A/N: Hello! I'm Yoshimi Gakusha Takahashi. This is my pointless Golden Sun newspaper. The Original Pointless Golden Sun Newspaper! For this week, I'll cover Vale and Sol Sanctum.

The Weyard Weekly

The Original Pointless Golden Sun Newspaper

Isaac Forgets Tunic, Fights Saturos And Menardi In Underwear

VALE- In today's news, Isaac, one of the fleeing villagers of the Boulder, forgot his tunic in his rush to get to the Plaza and safety. The sad thing is, no one noticed!

No one? No, two Technicolor trespassers noticed. These two attacked our lingeried hero and his friend, a Valean named Garet, but hesitated after the shock of seeing him in his underwear, allowing Isaac to strike first. The two hesitated again when realising that a Fire Psynergy could in fact burn off the rest of his clothes. Menardi suggested that they do so, but Saturos talked her out of it.

NOTE: We at Weyard Weekly are almost certain that this was a joke, but readers may draw their own conclusions...

Man Abandons Companions To Boulder!

VALE- Today, the Weyard Weekly puts the blame squarely where it belongs!

Yes, after exhaustive research, we have found the reason for the Boulder falling on Vale!

Our two eyewitnesses, Isaac and Garet, claim they saw one of the four men holding the Boulder suddenly stop using Psynergy and look around for an escape route! This criminal man saw our eyewitnesses and quickly recovered, acting like he was encouraging them onward. They decided not to make a scene, but told Weyard Weekly about it later.

Prox Challenges Superman's Claim

PROX- Today, a council in Prox filed a challenge to Superman's claim at being "faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap over tall buildings in a single bound!"

"Our warriors undergo extensive training," the leader of the Fire Clan of the North told our reporter. "They can leap up and down cliffs! I'm sure that some of our warriors (Agatio, for example) are much more powerful than this warrior, Loco Motive, and what's a bullet, anyway?"

An example that our Valean readers may remember was the Technicolor people bounding up and down cliffs during today's storm.

The court case with Jerry Sieggel and Joe Schuster is ongoing.

Alex Fails "Being An Adept" Test

IMIL- There was shock in Imil today when Alex, a promising young Adept, fails his "Being An Adept" test with a mark of 50%.

"The test is very simple," the town elder said. "It is based on the best-selling book, Being An Adept. There are two parts: hone your Psynergy and do not use it for evil. He did pass the first with some of the highest marks ever seen in Imil, but...he had trouble with the second part, failing it miserably."

The police are worried about this and are considering questioning Alex why he failed the "do not use it for evil" part.

NEWS FLASH: Alex has disappeared from Imil before the police could apprehend him.

"This is very annoying," the chief of police told our reporter. "I fear the worst."

Classified

WANTED- Sneak thief! Goes by the name of Isaac. Once accused of walking into people's houses and stealing from boxes and barrels, the case was dropped due to lack of evidence. Now proved guilty when caught trying to pick the lock on Garet's chest of valuables. Warning: the suspect is armed and dangerous. Approach with extreme caution.

NOTICE- New educational show, Isaac and the Technicolor Trespassers, will be opening in the Vale Theatre on Friday. The message is "Never talk to Technicolor strangers. Unless you live in Prox." Refreshments will be served after the show is complete.

HELP WANTED- The high elders of Vale are asking for someone to clean the graffiti off of the Sanctum. Some vandal wrote things such as "Elders are high!" among other such offensive things. Small reward.

A/N: So, what do you think?

Isaac: It's terrible.

Yoshimi: What?

Jenna: *sotto voice* He's mad about the underwear incident.

Yoshimi: Ah. I understand. However, you have to admit, it was funny! It was a gem.

Isaac: It was not! Garet, stop laughing!

Yoshimi: Wait a second...! What are you doing here?

Garet: *through laughter* Well, we're just here...

Yoshimi: Out! Out! Out!

Jenna: Hey! What are you doing?

Yoshimi: *slams door* You're probably muses in disguise! I've seen what happens to people with muses...

Jenna: Well, that was unfair.

Isaac: Well, what do you expect? He's a jerk.

Jenna: Come on, Isaac. You can't still be mad about the underwear incident.

Isaac: It's not just that! He also called me a sneak thief! And I told you, Garet, stop laughing!

Garet: *snickering*

Isaac: *casts Ragnarok*

Garet: Ow...

Jenna: *snickering*

Isaac: Hmm...I think we should give him a muse.

Jenna: Well, he is rather hopeless. He didn't even remember the disclaimer (and he doesn't own Golden Sun, etc.)!

Isaac: Well, there were nine muses in Greek mythology...what are there nine of?

All: Hmm...

???: Excuse me, but could you direct me to the Prancing Pony?

Garet: Ack! A Ringwraith! Something else he doesn't own!

Jenna: Wait! That's it! Would you like a job?

Ringwraith: What do you mean?

Jenna: Come this way...