The Hulk
By weirdDAR
(Before the movie starts...)
voice: Yes, this is how it should of been done.
(Credits start. And it was how everyone expected...long.
Eventually, they stop. A man, David is in a lab, taking blood samples. A
soldier walks in.)
Soldier: What are you doing?
David: Uh...Shooting up heroin?
Soldier: Oh okay! (Turns around to walk out, then he stops...
and turns back around.) Wait a minute...you're heroin is in the other
lab room! The boys were playing with it. You're taking blood samples!
David: Look, it's my blood...I'll do whatever I want to do with it.
Soldier: (Stops) Hey. That's a good point. I never thought of it that
way before. Gee...if only the writers did...maybe the final cut wouldn't
of turned out like it did.
David: May I take my blood in peace now?
(Cut to David in the kitchen, with Cindy Crawford.)
Cindy: I have wonderful news.
David: Oh thank God. I thought my dildo order would never get here!
Cindy: No...not that. I'm pregnant.
David: Holy Shit.
Cindy: Yeah, I know.
David: So my dildo didn't come?
(Cut back to the lab. The next year. The same soldier walks back in.)
Soldier: What's going on here?
David: What do you mean?
Soldier: I found traces of your blood with a secert formula that would
cause you to turn powerful if exposed to radiation.
David: Not just radiation. GAMMA radiation.
Soldier: Don't play smart scientist with me, Banner. I want answers.
David: To what?
Soldier: Coffee. How is it made?
David: Well...
(Cut to David walking down a hallway. He passess a button that is
labeled "Unnecessary self explosion button." For fun, he presses it.
An alarm goes off. David runs out of the lab and head home. His car
is a 99' Tarus. Don't forget this is the 50s. David gets out of his
car and runs in the house. Cindy Crawford and Baby Bruce are playing
with toys.)
David: Don't you hear the alarm? This place is going to explode!
Cindy: David...we live three towns away from that lab. That's about
700 miles. I don't think it's going to come anywhere near us.
David: Shut up! (He grabs her and throws her in the bedroom. He follows
and closes the door. You hear screaming and screaming. Then you hear
moaning and moaning. Baby Bruce stares in confusion. Then he continues
to play with his toys.)
Seventeen years later...
(Bruce is now 18. [I do math] He's packing his clothes in a black garbage
bag. An old woman walks in. This isn't Cindy Crawford.)
Bruce: What do you want?
Old woman who isn't Cindy Crawford: I know I'm not your mother, and I
only adopted you after that mysterious incident which will not be
revealed until later on in the film, but I love you. I know you're
going to become something great one of these days. Something... everyone
will remember. You'll probably be remembered for your mind...not your
power.
Bruce: Power?
Old woman who isn't Cindy Crawford: Nothing. Just nothing.
(They hug and he leaves, with his garbage bag over his shoulder.)
Eight years later...
[I not want to do math today]
(Bruce is riding his bike on a freeway, people pass by...honking
and cursing at him for being in the way. Bruce parks his bike in a
staff parking spot labeled "Security guard #1: Original Hulk". Lou,
the original Hulk, arrives in his car...but is disgruntled by this.
He begins to turn green, but Ang Lee appears in the back seat.)
Ang Lee: Sorry, Lou, I don't believe in a real hulk. You're gonna have
to stay white. I don't like you.
(Ang Lee disappears.)
(Bruce walks inside, where he meets up with Betty Ross. Betty Ross is
wearing a skimpy white tank top and a very short skirt. Doesn't she
remind you of a scientist?)
Betty: Ready, Bruce?
Bruce: Maybe.
Betty: Common, Bruce. We play this game every morning. Will you just
tell me if you're ready?
Bruce: Maybe.
Betty: God, you're creepy. I don't even see how you landed this gig in
the first place.
Bruce: I guess when people found out Ang Lee was directing, it was hard
to find any one who was crazy enough to go for it.
Betty: That makes sense. Well, let's go into the radiation testing room.
(The two walk into the test room...at three diffrent angles thanks to Ang
Lee's BEAUTIFUL artistic directing.)
To be continued...
Next chapter: (Coming soon) Bruce is exposed to gamma radiation. Then
a bunch of people piss him off. Then he changes into the...
oops, we're out of time. Guess you'll have to wait and find out.
By weirdDAR
(Before the movie starts...)
voice: Yes, this is how it should of been done.
(Credits start. And it was how everyone expected...long.
Eventually, they stop. A man, David is in a lab, taking blood samples. A
soldier walks in.)
Soldier: What are you doing?
David: Uh...Shooting up heroin?
Soldier: Oh okay! (Turns around to walk out, then he stops...
and turns back around.) Wait a minute...you're heroin is in the other
lab room! The boys were playing with it. You're taking blood samples!
David: Look, it's my blood...I'll do whatever I want to do with it.
Soldier: (Stops) Hey. That's a good point. I never thought of it that
way before. Gee...if only the writers did...maybe the final cut wouldn't
of turned out like it did.
David: May I take my blood in peace now?
(Cut to David in the kitchen, with Cindy Crawford.)
Cindy: I have wonderful news.
David: Oh thank God. I thought my dildo order would never get here!
Cindy: No...not that. I'm pregnant.
David: Holy Shit.
Cindy: Yeah, I know.
David: So my dildo didn't come?
(Cut back to the lab. The next year. The same soldier walks back in.)
Soldier: What's going on here?
David: What do you mean?
Soldier: I found traces of your blood with a secert formula that would
cause you to turn powerful if exposed to radiation.
David: Not just radiation. GAMMA radiation.
Soldier: Don't play smart scientist with me, Banner. I want answers.
David: To what?
Soldier: Coffee. How is it made?
David: Well...
(Cut to David walking down a hallway. He passess a button that is
labeled "Unnecessary self explosion button." For fun, he presses it.
An alarm goes off. David runs out of the lab and head home. His car
is a 99' Tarus. Don't forget this is the 50s. David gets out of his
car and runs in the house. Cindy Crawford and Baby Bruce are playing
with toys.)
David: Don't you hear the alarm? This place is going to explode!
Cindy: David...we live three towns away from that lab. That's about
700 miles. I don't think it's going to come anywhere near us.
David: Shut up! (He grabs her and throws her in the bedroom. He follows
and closes the door. You hear screaming and screaming. Then you hear
moaning and moaning. Baby Bruce stares in confusion. Then he continues
to play with his toys.)
Seventeen years later...
(Bruce is now 18. [I do math] He's packing his clothes in a black garbage
bag. An old woman walks in. This isn't Cindy Crawford.)
Bruce: What do you want?
Old woman who isn't Cindy Crawford: I know I'm not your mother, and I
only adopted you after that mysterious incident which will not be
revealed until later on in the film, but I love you. I know you're
going to become something great one of these days. Something... everyone
will remember. You'll probably be remembered for your mind...not your
power.
Bruce: Power?
Old woman who isn't Cindy Crawford: Nothing. Just nothing.
(They hug and he leaves, with his garbage bag over his shoulder.)
Eight years later...
[I not want to do math today]
(Bruce is riding his bike on a freeway, people pass by...honking
and cursing at him for being in the way. Bruce parks his bike in a
staff parking spot labeled "Security guard #1: Original Hulk". Lou,
the original Hulk, arrives in his car...but is disgruntled by this.
He begins to turn green, but Ang Lee appears in the back seat.)
Ang Lee: Sorry, Lou, I don't believe in a real hulk. You're gonna have
to stay white. I don't like you.
(Ang Lee disappears.)
(Bruce walks inside, where he meets up with Betty Ross. Betty Ross is
wearing a skimpy white tank top and a very short skirt. Doesn't she
remind you of a scientist?)
Betty: Ready, Bruce?
Bruce: Maybe.
Betty: Common, Bruce. We play this game every morning. Will you just
tell me if you're ready?
Bruce: Maybe.
Betty: God, you're creepy. I don't even see how you landed this gig in
the first place.
Bruce: I guess when people found out Ang Lee was directing, it was hard
to find any one who was crazy enough to go for it.
Betty: That makes sense. Well, let's go into the radiation testing room.
(The two walk into the test room...at three diffrent angles thanks to Ang
Lee's BEAUTIFUL artistic directing.)
To be continued...
Next chapter: (Coming soon) Bruce is exposed to gamma radiation. Then
a bunch of people piss him off. Then he changes into the...
oops, we're out of time. Guess you'll have to wait and find out.