In Defense of "Tragedienne/Tragedian"
Disclaimer: I still don't own Final Fantasy X or its characters. Squaresoft does.
Note: This is not a continuation of the story, simply an essay I wrote for the reason the above title suggests. Enjoy!
*****
I finally finished my little Auron/Yuna vignette, and I must say I am incredibly proud of it. I think one of the greatest things about this story is that I find it incredibly revealing and lovely, and yet a little creepy at the same time. And I think that's what I had been aiming for to begin with. I also love it because of its dual nature, in that how the reader views it will totally change their perspective of me as both a person and an author. Because I happen to find that if you take it for what it is on the surface, I'll probably be thought of as a sick pervert who gets off on having an old man taking advantage of a vulnerable girl young enough to be his daughter. However, if you give me the benefit of the doubt in having some intelligence, then the story is brilliant, in a disturbing sort of way. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to call my own work brilliant, but I'm going to anyway.
Basically, even I was unsettled after writing this, unsure of which of the two was more correct. I'd like to think that it's the latter, and that I'll be thought of as intelligent, but even I question the twisted way in which my brain operates sometimes, so who's to say which is correct, or whether they both are correct?
When I first started writing this story it was meant to be an experiment, a means by which I got some practice writing vignettes and small scenes just for the sake of improving my writing skills, pushing my own boundaries and limitations, and letting the flow of the writing process take the story to places I might not have previously expected or planned for. That being the case, I certainly succeeded where all these aforementioned goals were concerned.
Primarily my purpose for writing this piece was to hopefully bring something new to the table. I've always felt that the FFX promo shot of Yuna staring at the ruined Zanarkand on the right and Tidus gazing on the thriving Zanarkand on the left, with Auron looming large in the foreground along the seam that binds the two, one foot in each Zanarkand, was very telling of their relationships. They form a triangle. Most people who have played FFX will know that Yuna and Tidus are the couple of the game (though I always felt it was forced and unbelievable, but that's just me), and things such as that usually lead to people only seeing Yuna as compared to Tidus, or Tidus in relation to Auron, given their mentor/apprentice, father/son relationship. But I wanted to shed light on the connections between Auron and Yuna, as they represent the third relationship pair in that triangle.
The story was inspired by the concept of masks. I don't remember how exactly the idea of masks came to me, perhaps because Auron's face is mostly hidden, his glasses almost serving to hide his scar, and how that was no doubt intentionally symbolic of the secrets he kept hidden, as well as his pain and inner turmoil, all buried behind his apparel. But his tragic past and secrets were something he was forced to hide, as it wouldn't serve him well on Yuna's quest or in his status as a legendary guardian to show his weaknesses and vulnerabilities.
Then it occurred to me that Yuna seems to wear the same mask, her story a tragedy when you think about it, how she is basically on a journey to make a noble sacrifice and how everyone is counting on her to succeed and be strong. She can't let them down, can't show them her doubts and fears because they need the hope. And that's when I began to see the similarities between her and Auron, as well as the differences (the concepts of experience and inexperience, the faithless and the faithful, the jaded and the optimistic, etc., all of which I feel serve to drive the wedge between the two of them, in that they all underscore the things that Auron knows, but that Yuna never learns, even when she does break through his barrier - the things that he doesn't want her to see or become, a fatherly sort of protection on his part).
So right from the very start, I knew that a lot of the story was going to be symbolic, that everything would have some meaning beyond what could be seen on the surface. It started with the metaphor of the masks that both Auron and Yuna wear in public, the thing that unites them. That is where the title comes from, in that they are two tragic figures, vulnerable and wounded on the inside, but forced to act as if they are not because that is what the public expects of them. Tragediennes and tragedians are stage actors known mostly for their portrayal of tragic characters, and the concept of masks brought in the whole symbolism of the white mask of tragedy (as opposed to the one of comedy) often associated with theater, opera, and ballet.
That metaphor in turn led to the most important similarity between the two of them, which was the death of Yuna's father, Braska, a hero of Spira for sacrificing himself ten years previously to defeat Sin. In the game, Yuna remarks about how it took her a while to realize that Sin's death meant her father was also dead. That until Kimahri found her and took her to Besaid, she was an orphan, without a family, and I figured that if there were a time when Yuna would have decided that she also wished to become a summoner, even if it were just a thought taking root, it was then. At the moment of her father's death she was alone, without a family, the world she had known no longer existing, and therefore had already resigned herself to death. Auron was the same way. He had already lost his connection to the Yevon ministry before he undertook Braska's pilgrimage, having been excommunicated for his choices. Losing Braska and Jecht meant his only family was gone, his world now destroyed given his newfound lack of faith in the teachings of Yevon because of their hypocrisy and the betrayal that ultimately destroyed his two friends in a meaningless manner. In his hurt and anger, he too wished for death, attacking Yunalesca the deceiver and dying as a result of it. So again, Braska's death caused both Yuna and Auron to lose their families and their worlds, to be alone, and left them dead (Auron literally, Yuna metaphorically), or as I imagine Auron would see it, the walking dead. This was to be the key to the story, the open wound they both shared that bound them. I wanted to make it clear, but at the same time I wanted to allude to it in a more creative manner. So Yuna realizes their similarities because she has a mental image of the young Auron instead of herself standing on the bridge where she had been when she realized her father was dead and she was alone. They were interchangeable in that context because at that moment they were the only two people in all of Spira that didn't have the same reason to rejoice as everyone else did.
However, beyond that, things started going in directions I had not quite expected. Symbolically and metaphorically, everything in this story makes some sort of sense, even if it still makes it a little unsettling to the reader. A lot of things came about subconsciously, which is an aspect of my writing style that I have come to love. But it begs the question as to whether I am far cleverer than I realize, or whether I only see the symbolism in hindsight so as to make myself seem cleverer than I really am.
Take for example the whole idea of Auron's armor being his wall, the shield he hides behind, and when Yuna insists he take it off, he is suddenly vulnerable and she can read him easier. That had always been intended from the beginning. But Yuna's scandalous outfit is just as revealing (no pun intended). At first, I had put her in the scandalous clothing because I wanted to portray her sexuality, her feelings that even though she is marching towards her death, a part of her still clings to basic human needs and desires. And like her doubts and fears, these things only come out when she is alone. But I realized that subconsciously I had probably added it in for a more important reason, and I only realized this the moment she invites Auron into her room. She dons such apparel only in private, just as she only allows her vulnerabilities to come out when she is alone. However, her nightgown is see-through, and Auron is the only one who sees her wearing it, just as he is the only one that can see that she has doubts. So her apparel is instantly transparent to Auron and Auron alone, but it still provides a thin layer of protection, just as her feelings are transparent to him alone, yet he cannot see all of them. Auron, conversely, is fully guarded when the conversation begins, but by the end, Yuna has stripped him of all his protection, exposing the wounds and vulnerabilities they hid.
Then there is her father. It is not coincidence that she spends a lot of time talking about her father with Auron, or that she thinks of him quite a lot. It is an important element to her character, no doubt, but it's played up in my story for a reason. It is not a fluke that her response to Auron's query about what troubles her is simply "my father". Nor is it coincidence that the man she is speaking with is her father's age and her father's closest friend, just as it is not coincidence that she seems to harbor feelings for him, or that she begs for him to comfort and protect her while she sleeps - commonly a paternal thing to do. Smelling the hints of the Elektra Complex* yet? I certainly did, though admittedly not knowingly at first, not until the moment Yuna kissed Auron.
* The Elektra Complex is basically the female version of the Oedipus Complex, in which a young female has a subconscious desire to marry her father and kill/remove her mother.
I think the idea of fathers was an important aspect of FFX. Yuna and Tidus had a connection through their fathers, despite being from different worlds. Both had lost their fathers at around the same age, only their feelings for them were different. Tidus hated his father, while Yuna loved hers, enough to follow in his footsteps, perhaps as a means of connecting with the father she had lost and not really known; though I also tend to think she had certain unconscious issues with him for orphaning her to save the world, issues that are not brought up within the context of the game. Then there's Auron, the critical link between all of them, as he is the only surviving member of the group consisting of himself, Tidus' father, and Yuna's father, and therefore the only one who knows what became of them. Not to mention he serves as Tidus' foster father as a promise to Jecht, and comes back to watch over Yuna on her pilgrimage, as part of his promise to Braska. So I think that Yuna could easily see Auron as a father figure, but also as the sole connection to her father, as Auron knew him better than anyone else. She is seeing her father in Auron, and is acting on it in a very Freudian manner, whether she realizes it or not.
Then there's the infamous creepy yet beautiful make-out scene. I must admit, the symbolism here was completely sub-conscious on my part, especially seeing as how it was never meant to happen. They were meant to kiss, but it was supposed to be something chaste, something healing. But as most authors know, characters tend to have a habit of doing things you hadn't planned for. And the passion that erupted was a result of that, especially since the writing came out on its own naturally and quickly, waking me at three in the morning to jot it down, the underlying Elektra Complex subconsciously guiding me towards an ending I hadn't planned on. So sure was I of what naturally flowed from my mind that very little of this particular scene has changed since the first draft, save for the occasional adjective here and there.
But the symbolism is there in spades if you can see it. Auron's hands go under Yuna's nightgown, getting through her last barrier of protection; their tongues dance, symbolic of verbal sparring and sharing of information in a very intimate manner. And even though she initiates the kiss, he is the one that takes control. It juxtaposes their differences, he being experienced, she being inexperienced, just as they are on the pilgrimage. He knows what is ahead, what's coming; she does not, she can only react to what happens. But they do not have sex, meaning neither one penetrates beyond the surface, neither one gets inside the other (yeah, kind of sick, but there it is). Their respective walls still keep their roots, so that they can be rebuilt stronger the next day.
I feel it important to bring up the idea of necrophilia, wherein a person has certain sexual fetishes involving dead people. In the case of this story, this was certainly not anything that was either consciously or subconsciously added in. There should be no hints that I was alluding to this at all, though if there are, it was completely unintentional and accidental (or something your sick mind put there). Granted, my sick mind is here explaining away something that isn't supposed to be in this story, so I guess I shouldn't cast stones. I suppose I felt the need to bring the subject up because I can see where it might be construed given that Auron is, for all intents and purposes, dead. However, I defend against necrophilia having anything to do with Yuna's frame of mind since Yuna is oblivious to the fact that Auron is dead, though I do make several allusions to the fact that she feels that there is something different or unnatural about him (his unnaturally slow beating heart, "seemed he still lived", Auron and Tidus' mystical connection in that both of them don't really exist in a certain realistic sense, Kimahri fulfilling the wish of a dead man, etc.). However, none of those things have anything to do with her feelings for him, so the idea of necrophilia should never come into play in regards to her romantic or physical yearnings for the man.
The inclusion of Kimahri at the beginning was also intentional. He is the other connection between Yuna and Auron besides Yuna's father. Yuna is Kimahri's redemption; just as preventing her death by changing the outcome of the battle with Sin is part of Auron's, the moment she frees the world of Sin permanently becoming the moment which he finally allows himself to be sent to the Farplane, symbolically passing the reigns of Spira over to her, the death of the ways of old and the beginning of the new. Kimahri became Yuna's protector only because he happened to cross paths with a dying Auron just outside of Bevelle ten years before. The two of them shared a bond, both disgraced by their respective worlds. Both were in need of some sort of redemption. And both are the same in many respects: strong and silent, large and honorable, loyal to a fault. I always felt their relationship, unspoken and unknown until the very end, was very touching, Kimahri being the only one Auron goes out of his way to acknowledge (in a non-verbal manner, naturally) just before he allows himself to be sent to the Farplane. But I think the silent aspect of their personalities is also important, and certainly why I made a note of that in the story, because what is never spoken aloud in the game is the fact that Kimahri has known the entire time that Auron was dead and unsent, yet he never reveals this fact to anyone.
So as you can see, there are many aspects of symbolism and deeper meaning that I included throughout the story, whether consciously or unconsciously. My hope was that readers would get that impression (if I ever allow anyone to read it, that is!), and not think that I was simply getting my jollies by writing this story just so I could imagine what it would be like to have two of my favorite characters hook up. Truth be told, while Auron is my favorite character, Yuna is actually one of my least favorite characters in the game, right behind Tidus and Rikku. Which I find makes it that much more interesting that I wrote the story from Yuna's point of view first, with the intention of writing Auron's later (though I eventually opted not to). You'd think it would have been the other way around.
So in conclusion, having left you with my defense of my story and breaking it down symbolically, I leave it to you to decide: Disturbingly brilliant or shamefully disgusting?
Disclaimer: I still don't own Final Fantasy X or its characters. Squaresoft does.
Note: This is not a continuation of the story, simply an essay I wrote for the reason the above title suggests. Enjoy!
*****
I finally finished my little Auron/Yuna vignette, and I must say I am incredibly proud of it. I think one of the greatest things about this story is that I find it incredibly revealing and lovely, and yet a little creepy at the same time. And I think that's what I had been aiming for to begin with. I also love it because of its dual nature, in that how the reader views it will totally change their perspective of me as both a person and an author. Because I happen to find that if you take it for what it is on the surface, I'll probably be thought of as a sick pervert who gets off on having an old man taking advantage of a vulnerable girl young enough to be his daughter. However, if you give me the benefit of the doubt in having some intelligence, then the story is brilliant, in a disturbing sort of way. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to call my own work brilliant, but I'm going to anyway.
Basically, even I was unsettled after writing this, unsure of which of the two was more correct. I'd like to think that it's the latter, and that I'll be thought of as intelligent, but even I question the twisted way in which my brain operates sometimes, so who's to say which is correct, or whether they both are correct?
When I first started writing this story it was meant to be an experiment, a means by which I got some practice writing vignettes and small scenes just for the sake of improving my writing skills, pushing my own boundaries and limitations, and letting the flow of the writing process take the story to places I might not have previously expected or planned for. That being the case, I certainly succeeded where all these aforementioned goals were concerned.
Primarily my purpose for writing this piece was to hopefully bring something new to the table. I've always felt that the FFX promo shot of Yuna staring at the ruined Zanarkand on the right and Tidus gazing on the thriving Zanarkand on the left, with Auron looming large in the foreground along the seam that binds the two, one foot in each Zanarkand, was very telling of their relationships. They form a triangle. Most people who have played FFX will know that Yuna and Tidus are the couple of the game (though I always felt it was forced and unbelievable, but that's just me), and things such as that usually lead to people only seeing Yuna as compared to Tidus, or Tidus in relation to Auron, given their mentor/apprentice, father/son relationship. But I wanted to shed light on the connections between Auron and Yuna, as they represent the third relationship pair in that triangle.
The story was inspired by the concept of masks. I don't remember how exactly the idea of masks came to me, perhaps because Auron's face is mostly hidden, his glasses almost serving to hide his scar, and how that was no doubt intentionally symbolic of the secrets he kept hidden, as well as his pain and inner turmoil, all buried behind his apparel. But his tragic past and secrets were something he was forced to hide, as it wouldn't serve him well on Yuna's quest or in his status as a legendary guardian to show his weaknesses and vulnerabilities.
Then it occurred to me that Yuna seems to wear the same mask, her story a tragedy when you think about it, how she is basically on a journey to make a noble sacrifice and how everyone is counting on her to succeed and be strong. She can't let them down, can't show them her doubts and fears because they need the hope. And that's when I began to see the similarities between her and Auron, as well as the differences (the concepts of experience and inexperience, the faithless and the faithful, the jaded and the optimistic, etc., all of which I feel serve to drive the wedge between the two of them, in that they all underscore the things that Auron knows, but that Yuna never learns, even when she does break through his barrier - the things that he doesn't want her to see or become, a fatherly sort of protection on his part).
So right from the very start, I knew that a lot of the story was going to be symbolic, that everything would have some meaning beyond what could be seen on the surface. It started with the metaphor of the masks that both Auron and Yuna wear in public, the thing that unites them. That is where the title comes from, in that they are two tragic figures, vulnerable and wounded on the inside, but forced to act as if they are not because that is what the public expects of them. Tragediennes and tragedians are stage actors known mostly for their portrayal of tragic characters, and the concept of masks brought in the whole symbolism of the white mask of tragedy (as opposed to the one of comedy) often associated with theater, opera, and ballet.
That metaphor in turn led to the most important similarity between the two of them, which was the death of Yuna's father, Braska, a hero of Spira for sacrificing himself ten years previously to defeat Sin. In the game, Yuna remarks about how it took her a while to realize that Sin's death meant her father was also dead. That until Kimahri found her and took her to Besaid, she was an orphan, without a family, and I figured that if there were a time when Yuna would have decided that she also wished to become a summoner, even if it were just a thought taking root, it was then. At the moment of her father's death she was alone, without a family, the world she had known no longer existing, and therefore had already resigned herself to death. Auron was the same way. He had already lost his connection to the Yevon ministry before he undertook Braska's pilgrimage, having been excommunicated for his choices. Losing Braska and Jecht meant his only family was gone, his world now destroyed given his newfound lack of faith in the teachings of Yevon because of their hypocrisy and the betrayal that ultimately destroyed his two friends in a meaningless manner. In his hurt and anger, he too wished for death, attacking Yunalesca the deceiver and dying as a result of it. So again, Braska's death caused both Yuna and Auron to lose their families and their worlds, to be alone, and left them dead (Auron literally, Yuna metaphorically), or as I imagine Auron would see it, the walking dead. This was to be the key to the story, the open wound they both shared that bound them. I wanted to make it clear, but at the same time I wanted to allude to it in a more creative manner. So Yuna realizes their similarities because she has a mental image of the young Auron instead of herself standing on the bridge where she had been when she realized her father was dead and she was alone. They were interchangeable in that context because at that moment they were the only two people in all of Spira that didn't have the same reason to rejoice as everyone else did.
However, beyond that, things started going in directions I had not quite expected. Symbolically and metaphorically, everything in this story makes some sort of sense, even if it still makes it a little unsettling to the reader. A lot of things came about subconsciously, which is an aspect of my writing style that I have come to love. But it begs the question as to whether I am far cleverer than I realize, or whether I only see the symbolism in hindsight so as to make myself seem cleverer than I really am.
Take for example the whole idea of Auron's armor being his wall, the shield he hides behind, and when Yuna insists he take it off, he is suddenly vulnerable and she can read him easier. That had always been intended from the beginning. But Yuna's scandalous outfit is just as revealing (no pun intended). At first, I had put her in the scandalous clothing because I wanted to portray her sexuality, her feelings that even though she is marching towards her death, a part of her still clings to basic human needs and desires. And like her doubts and fears, these things only come out when she is alone. But I realized that subconsciously I had probably added it in for a more important reason, and I only realized this the moment she invites Auron into her room. She dons such apparel only in private, just as she only allows her vulnerabilities to come out when she is alone. However, her nightgown is see-through, and Auron is the only one who sees her wearing it, just as he is the only one that can see that she has doubts. So her apparel is instantly transparent to Auron and Auron alone, but it still provides a thin layer of protection, just as her feelings are transparent to him alone, yet he cannot see all of them. Auron, conversely, is fully guarded when the conversation begins, but by the end, Yuna has stripped him of all his protection, exposing the wounds and vulnerabilities they hid.
Then there is her father. It is not coincidence that she spends a lot of time talking about her father with Auron, or that she thinks of him quite a lot. It is an important element to her character, no doubt, but it's played up in my story for a reason. It is not a fluke that her response to Auron's query about what troubles her is simply "my father". Nor is it coincidence that the man she is speaking with is her father's age and her father's closest friend, just as it is not coincidence that she seems to harbor feelings for him, or that she begs for him to comfort and protect her while she sleeps - commonly a paternal thing to do. Smelling the hints of the Elektra Complex* yet? I certainly did, though admittedly not knowingly at first, not until the moment Yuna kissed Auron.
* The Elektra Complex is basically the female version of the Oedipus Complex, in which a young female has a subconscious desire to marry her father and kill/remove her mother.
I think the idea of fathers was an important aspect of FFX. Yuna and Tidus had a connection through their fathers, despite being from different worlds. Both had lost their fathers at around the same age, only their feelings for them were different. Tidus hated his father, while Yuna loved hers, enough to follow in his footsteps, perhaps as a means of connecting with the father she had lost and not really known; though I also tend to think she had certain unconscious issues with him for orphaning her to save the world, issues that are not brought up within the context of the game. Then there's Auron, the critical link between all of them, as he is the only surviving member of the group consisting of himself, Tidus' father, and Yuna's father, and therefore the only one who knows what became of them. Not to mention he serves as Tidus' foster father as a promise to Jecht, and comes back to watch over Yuna on her pilgrimage, as part of his promise to Braska. So I think that Yuna could easily see Auron as a father figure, but also as the sole connection to her father, as Auron knew him better than anyone else. She is seeing her father in Auron, and is acting on it in a very Freudian manner, whether she realizes it or not.
Then there's the infamous creepy yet beautiful make-out scene. I must admit, the symbolism here was completely sub-conscious on my part, especially seeing as how it was never meant to happen. They were meant to kiss, but it was supposed to be something chaste, something healing. But as most authors know, characters tend to have a habit of doing things you hadn't planned for. And the passion that erupted was a result of that, especially since the writing came out on its own naturally and quickly, waking me at three in the morning to jot it down, the underlying Elektra Complex subconsciously guiding me towards an ending I hadn't planned on. So sure was I of what naturally flowed from my mind that very little of this particular scene has changed since the first draft, save for the occasional adjective here and there.
But the symbolism is there in spades if you can see it. Auron's hands go under Yuna's nightgown, getting through her last barrier of protection; their tongues dance, symbolic of verbal sparring and sharing of information in a very intimate manner. And even though she initiates the kiss, he is the one that takes control. It juxtaposes their differences, he being experienced, she being inexperienced, just as they are on the pilgrimage. He knows what is ahead, what's coming; she does not, she can only react to what happens. But they do not have sex, meaning neither one penetrates beyond the surface, neither one gets inside the other (yeah, kind of sick, but there it is). Their respective walls still keep their roots, so that they can be rebuilt stronger the next day.
I feel it important to bring up the idea of necrophilia, wherein a person has certain sexual fetishes involving dead people. In the case of this story, this was certainly not anything that was either consciously or subconsciously added in. There should be no hints that I was alluding to this at all, though if there are, it was completely unintentional and accidental (or something your sick mind put there). Granted, my sick mind is here explaining away something that isn't supposed to be in this story, so I guess I shouldn't cast stones. I suppose I felt the need to bring the subject up because I can see where it might be construed given that Auron is, for all intents and purposes, dead. However, I defend against necrophilia having anything to do with Yuna's frame of mind since Yuna is oblivious to the fact that Auron is dead, though I do make several allusions to the fact that she feels that there is something different or unnatural about him (his unnaturally slow beating heart, "seemed he still lived", Auron and Tidus' mystical connection in that both of them don't really exist in a certain realistic sense, Kimahri fulfilling the wish of a dead man, etc.). However, none of those things have anything to do with her feelings for him, so the idea of necrophilia should never come into play in regards to her romantic or physical yearnings for the man.
The inclusion of Kimahri at the beginning was also intentional. He is the other connection between Yuna and Auron besides Yuna's father. Yuna is Kimahri's redemption; just as preventing her death by changing the outcome of the battle with Sin is part of Auron's, the moment she frees the world of Sin permanently becoming the moment which he finally allows himself to be sent to the Farplane, symbolically passing the reigns of Spira over to her, the death of the ways of old and the beginning of the new. Kimahri became Yuna's protector only because he happened to cross paths with a dying Auron just outside of Bevelle ten years before. The two of them shared a bond, both disgraced by their respective worlds. Both were in need of some sort of redemption. And both are the same in many respects: strong and silent, large and honorable, loyal to a fault. I always felt their relationship, unspoken and unknown until the very end, was very touching, Kimahri being the only one Auron goes out of his way to acknowledge (in a non-verbal manner, naturally) just before he allows himself to be sent to the Farplane. But I think the silent aspect of their personalities is also important, and certainly why I made a note of that in the story, because what is never spoken aloud in the game is the fact that Kimahri has known the entire time that Auron was dead and unsent, yet he never reveals this fact to anyone.
So as you can see, there are many aspects of symbolism and deeper meaning that I included throughout the story, whether consciously or unconsciously. My hope was that readers would get that impression (if I ever allow anyone to read it, that is!), and not think that I was simply getting my jollies by writing this story just so I could imagine what it would be like to have two of my favorite characters hook up. Truth be told, while Auron is my favorite character, Yuna is actually one of my least favorite characters in the game, right behind Tidus and Rikku. Which I find makes it that much more interesting that I wrote the story from Yuna's point of view first, with the intention of writing Auron's later (though I eventually opted not to). You'd think it would have been the other way around.
So in conclusion, having left you with my defense of my story and breaking it down symbolically, I leave it to you to decide: Disturbingly brilliant or shamefully disgusting?