The Doc Hunter

By Flaming Trails

A Back To The Future Parody

Disclaimer: I don't own BTTF. Any real products used in this fic are also not my property. But trust me, I would love to go on this trip.

Dedication: To everyone who loved and consented to be in "Catfight", and all the Doc Lovers.

(We focus in on a suburban lawn, with thick bushes. Something rustles within. A moment later a girl's head, brown-haired and blue-eyed and wearing a safari hat, pokes out. She sees the camera and smiles.)

HOST: Hello! I'm Josephine Caroline Jones, better known as Josie or J.C. You may know me as the famous adventurer who single-handedly conquered a rampaging T-1000 with no weapons. (Strikes a valiant pose) Now, I'm hunting even bigger and cuter game. I'm hunting the hardest to capture animal in the world. (Pulls out a picture, which we cannot yet see.) The rare Doculus Brownis.

(J. C. shows us the picture. It is a picture of Doc and Marty, posing in front of the DeLorean. Einstein is with them, waving his paw.)

J. C.: (proudly) It took me many years to even get this far. Now I'm finally on his trail. I want to be the first female adventurer to have taken down a Doculus Brownis. But, I know I cannot do it alone. Please meet my assistant in this endeavor, Gina Sarah Lloyd.

(Gina steps out of the brush. She's a short thing, with dark hair and eyes. She smiles at the camera, waves, then turns to J. C. eagerly.)

GINA: (over-excited) Come on, J. C.! I've been waiting for this moment all my life! The chance to actually capture Doc! Remember, you promised to share him.

J. C.: Yes, yes, of course Gina. Your house Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. My house Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. We take him to a public place on Sundays. (To audience) Don't worry, he'll be perfectly safe. We're going to take very good care of him while he's in our custody.

(Both girls sigh. Cut to a dream-scape in which both girls are frolicking among many Docs, all in different states of dress. And undress. Then back to reality.)

J. C.: So, let's be on our way. The first thing to do is to look for--

OFF-CAMERA VOICE: Hey! What are you two girls doing in my yard?! Get out of here!

J. C.: (sternly) Sir, we are conducting a hunt for a very rare animal, and -- put the broom down! We're going, we're going! Sheez! Can't even film a wildlife documentary here.

(Cut to the street a few blocks down from the off-camera man's house. Gina is armed with binoculars, scouring the skies, while J. C. narrates.)

J. C.: This is the natural territory of the Doculus Brownis. However, this area is filled with other species too, so we'll have to be careful. Especially if we meet up with the dreaded Biffican Tannenus, which can be distinguished by it's call. I have it on audiotape here.

(She pulls out a mini tape recorder and plays back the tape inside.)

TAPE: Butt-head! Butt-head!

J. C.: (turning off the tape) As you can probably tell, it's a very aggressive species. The only animal it will accept into its territory is the family McFlyis. Coincidentally, that's exactly the species we're looking for. Doculus Brownis is know to bond with McFlyis young. (looking at her faithful assistant) How goes the search, Gina?

GINA: He doesn't seem to be here, J. C. Where are we anyway?

J. C.: (surprised) I thought you had the map of Hill Valley.

GINA: I thought you did! You were supposed to carry it!

J. C.: (indignant) It was not! I carried all the important equipment! The food, the water, the traps, the supplies! You were in charge of the map! No wonder we ended up in some guy's backyard!

GINA: (Rex Banner impression) You're getting me angry. I don't think you're gonna like me when I'm angry.

J. C.: (quickly backing down) Okay, Gina, calm down. There's an easy way to fix this. (pulls out a cellphone and dials.) Bonjour? Marty français est-il là-bas? Salut, ce m'est, Josephine. Nous avons besoin de quelque aide. . . . *Translation: Hello? Is French Marty there? Hi, it's me, Josephine. We need some help. . . .*

(A hop, skip, and a jump later, J. C. and Gina are looking over a simple map provided by French Marty. J. C. traces her finger along an imaginary path.)

J. C.: (authoritatively) Okay, this is the route we must take to get to the Clock Tower, a frequented spot by the Doculus Brownis and his close companion the McFlyis Martin. Any questions?

GINA: Aren't you holding the map upside-down?

(J. C. pauses, then flips the map over. She examines it again.)

J. C.: What say we just use Plan B? (sticks out her thumb) Taxi!

(Cut to the Town Square, bustling with life. J. C. is over-excited, yanking out her field guide and trying to identify all the people as different species. Gina continues searching for Doc with her binoculars. Naturally, this is starting to draw attention from the vaguely unsettled residents of Hill Valley.)

J. C.: (flipping through her guide) By crikey, I think that one over there is a Extraen Nonameus! Gina, I can't believe--

(Gina suddenly freaks, leaping up and down.)

GINA: IT'S HIM, IT'S HIM, IT'S REALLY HIM!

J. C.: (looking around wildly) Where, where?!

(She grabs Gina's binoculars and looks around again, pulling Gina's head with her. She finally spots the DeLorean parked near the hardware store. She gasps in delight.)

J. C.: He's gone to hunt! What a rare opportunity! Come on, Gina!

(She dashes across the square, dragging Gina by the binoculars. Gina doesn't seem to mind at all, too busy drooling over the idea of being near her idol.)

(Cut to inside the hardware store. Pan over long trays of screws, nuts, bolts, and other objects. Gina is examining the products while J. C. narrates.)

J. C.: (softly) This is the natural hunting ground of the Doculus Brownis. If he doesn't manage to bring down something here once a week, his general health declines.

GINA: How many ways can you sort nails? Jesus, five different sorts here. . . .

J. C.: Now, let's see if we can find the common Doc -- I'm getting sick of that fake Latin name. We'll have to be stealthy though. I hear that he's jittery. Gina, have you got the camouflage?

GINA: Huh? Oh, yeah!

(She pulls out a pair of hats covered with screws, nails, and the like. They don them and begin skulking around, freezing at the slightest sound. A clerk walks by them and gives them an odd look.)

CLERK: Er, can I help you girls?

J. C.: Have you seen a Doculus Brownis anywhere?

CLERK: (perplexed) I don't know if we carry that. . . .

(Gina spots a white head of hair. She squeaks and pulls on J. C.'s arm. J. C. turns and sees the shock of white hair too. Her eyes widen with delight.)

J. C.: (quietly) I think we've found him. Slowly now. . . .

(The girls approach the white-haired man carefully, eyes bugging out, drool running down their jaws. They paused just inches from the man's feet, crouching. J. C. looks nervously at the camera.)

J. C.: We've never seen the common Doc in a state of rage, so we have to be careful not to anger it. (pulls out a strange-looking band) This is a tracking bracelet that will allow us to follow his every move back to his nest. Then we can capture him and take him home with us.

GINA: (shivering) With me, you mean. Today's a Monday.

J. C.: Right, right.

(She begins to attack the tracking bracelet. The man feels her touch and looks down.)

MAN: (shocked) HEY! What are you doing?!

(The girls look up. Turns out it's not Doc, just some old guy with white hair. He's staring at them like they're going to beat him up or something. They smile sheepishly.)

J. C.: (moving away, apologetically) So sorry, so sorry, thought you were someone else. . . .

MAN: (scared) Security!

J. C.: (Monty Python impression) RUN AWAAAAAY!

(They bolt from the hardware store, followed closely by a few clerks. The clerks yell after them as they run.)

CLERK 1: Yeah, don't come back! Freaks!

J. C.: (protesting) Hey, I'm a famous explorer! My great-uncle was the adventurer Captain Spaulding!

CLERK 2: Who?

J. C.: You know, Captain Spaulding! The great African Explorer! Jeffery Spaulding!

CLERK 1: Who cares! Just stay out of this store!

(They go back inside. Gina pouts.)

GINA: Nice going, J. C.

J. C.: Hey, you're the one who thought he was Doc.

(Just then, the real Doc emerges from the store, whistling a tune and carrying a bag. The girls drool as he tosses the bag in and gets back in the DeLorean. J. C. looks at the camera with heart-pupiled eyes.)

J. C.: That was the greatest experience of my life. And we were so close too! We got to see him taking his kill back to his nest. (eyes go back to normal) His nest! Gina, we've got to get to his nest! That's the perfect place to observe his natural behavior. Where's our transportation?

(The DeLorean starts to drive away. J. C. and Gina stomp their feet in frustration, then spot a few kids on scooters nearby. J. C. runs up to them and pulls out $40.)

J. C.: Hey, hey kids, stop! Stop! You guys willing to sell those scooters?

(Cut to Gina and J. C. scooting along, following the DeLorean as discreetly as possible. Once again they are subject to strange looks from most of the general populace. Gina gives them a disarming smile.)

GINA: Nature documentary.

(They follow the DeLorean up to a nice farmhouse on the outskirts of town with a big garage. Doc pulls in, still oblivious to the fact he's being followed. The girls park their scooters and sneak into the garage. Doc gets out, holding the bag. Einstein runs up to greet him.)

DOC: Hey, boy! (ruffles Einy's fur) Look what I got here. A wireless web modem for the computer, a new motor for the lawnmower, and some new tools. (pulls out a screwdriver and caresses it) Oh, I can't wait to use you.

(He happens to glance at the window. J. C. and Gina are there, staring at him with their tongues lolling out. He screams and drops his bag, recoiling violently. The girls quickly disappear. J. C. looks at the cameraman nervously.)

J. C.: I think we scared him. Damn, that's exactly what I didn't want to do. But still, what a great photo-op! We got to see him interact with a Canis familiaris, and now we know how to lure him into one of our traps. What did you think, Gina? (no reply) Gina?

(She looks over at her trusty assistant. Gina is still rolling up her tongue.)

J. C.: (stunned) Gina, how much tongue do you have? (to cameraman) You know, that sounded vaguely naughty.

GINA: (muffled) Thut up.

(Suddenly the sounds of two boys fighting waft over to them. The pair look to see a dark haired young man yelling at a younger blond.)

DARK: Dammit Verne, your brains must be made of pure cytoplasm! How many times do I have to tell you I don't want you hanging around me!

VERNE: You never want to do anything with me, Jules! I hate you!

JULES: Well, I -- (suddenly notices cameraman) Who in the name of Benjamin Franklin are you?

J. C.: (off-camera) We're making a nature documentary. Could you direct us to the location of the Doculus Brownis?

VERNE: (confused) The whatsis?

JULES: I don't think I've ever heard of a Doculus Brownis.

J. C.: Then how about the local McFlyis Martin?

JULES: (puzzled) You mean Marty McFly? He should be coming over to see Dad later.

GINA: Dad? Wait a minute. . . . J. C., I think these are Doc's kids!

J. C.: Offspring? Well, what an opportunity! How do the genes get passed on? (grins at Jules and Verne) Keep your schedules open, we'll be looking for you later.

VERNE: (backing up) Uh, sure. No problem, Miss.

GINA: Soooo -- what's our first plan, J. C.?

J. C.: (thoughtfully) Well, I was thinking that we should --

OFF-CAMERA VOICE: Boys! Where are you going?

(Camera pans to show a early middle-aged woman with long brown hair and dishwashing gloves standing in the doorway. Gina's and J. C.'s faces darken.)

J. C.: (soft growl) The Dark One.

VERNE: Huh?

J. C.: (quick save) Your mother?

JULES: (teenage groan) Yeah. (To Clara *who else?*) I'm off to Science Club! I don't know where Verne's going.

VERNE: (nasty look to his brother) I think I'll go to the Town Square. Start my own club.

J. C.: Don't forget, I'll be looking for you both later!

(Her over-cheerfulness encourages Jules and Verne to exit the scene quickly. Clara looks at J. C., obviously confused at to what these girls are doing in her yard.)

CLARA: Can I help you?

GINA: (softly) Yeah, go throw yourself off Eastwood Ra–

J. C.: (quickly silencing Gina) We're doing a nature documentary. A rare species lives on your property, and we're filming it.

CLARA: (puzzled) Is that legal?

J. C.: (charming smile) Oh, yes, as long as we don't destroy your property or harass you. We'll be careful, promise.

CLARA: (still looking a touch uncertain) Well. . .all right, but don't do anything drastic until I talk it over with Emmett.

J. C.: (heart-pupilled eyes again) Oh, no, I promise we won't do anything to upset Doc.

GINA: (heart-pupilled eyes) Cross our hearts and hope to become Tannens.

(They sigh deeply. Clara regards them suspiciously and goes back inside the house. Gina snarls at her back, then turns to J. C. excitedly.)

GINA: How are we gonna catch Doc?? Being this close to him without having him is TORTURE!

J. C.: I can relate. Well, my first idea is--

OFF-CAMERA VOICE: Hey, can I take a break? My arms are getting tired.

J.C.: (impatiently) Oh, all right. But make it fast.

(Brief cut to black)