AN: Kikyo has been haunting my computer again. Shall I try to lay her to rest, to give her a peace she never had in life? She lends herself so well to tragedy. This will wrap it up for QR. I have too many other plot bunnies and this was supposed to be a one shot. However, I will do my best to give Kikyo and Sesshoumaru a quality farewell. I am sorry this took so long. T have to be depressed to write this. I like writing Kikyo. I think she gets slammed too much on ff.net. I am an avid Inu/Kag shipper, but if you've seen any of the later episodes with Kikyo you would understand that she is not as evil as she first appears. I've tried to maintain that flavor of bitterness tempered by honor and compassion. She'll never be as open as Kagome, but they had very different lives. Please drop me a review and let me know what you think.
Disclaimer: Hey, I can be depressed without having to admit that I don't
own Kikyo, Sesshoumaru, or the rest of the Inuyasha crew.
Involuntary,
I may live on
In the passing world,
Never forgetting
This midnight moon
-the Emperor Sanjo
Chapter 3: Left behind
She stood on the edge of a cliff. The last cool breath of winter softly tugged at her hair. Kikyo's serene gaze wondered aimlessly over the quiet woodlands beneath her. The soul-catchers danced through the sky, as idle as their mistress on this early spring morning.
"We came here once." She whispered softly. The images played fleetingly at the edge of her vision. It had been a day much like this one. A few brave birds had pierced the morning's stillness with their enticing songs. Her eyelids drooped. She could almost feel him, the wild strength beside her. She remembered how he had stepped cautiously from the forest's edge, hesitant as a doe. His golden eyes had been so filled with uncertainty.
Kikyo smiled softly. She brought a slim hand to her chest. "Such a timid wild boy. He had so much pain." She had seen the pain, understood it in a way she thought no one else ever would. The miko in her wanted to end it with a merciful arrow. The woman wanted to soothe it with a steady compassion. Despite their obvious differences, they had much in common.
We were kindred souls. His inner pain mirrored my own. We both tried to hide it, but ended up failing miserably.
Some souls were forever cursed, suffering during each lifetime. Others found balance, finding the greatest of joys only after the most heartrending experiences. This is what she had been taught. As a young miko-in-training she had soaked in the words along with every other lesson. She strove to be the best, not out of a sense of pride or to seek recognition, but to serve her village as her aunt had before her.
For the ten short years of her childhood she had witnessed firsthand the suffering of her village. She had watched as men were brought down by famine, illness, and youkai. In the end it didn't mater what the cause was, death took them from her.
Her father was the first to go. She could barely remember his gentle strength. He had been a simple man, content to stay near the village and his little family. A nest of snake youkai had taken him down as he returned from a neighboring town. She had been barely eight years old.
Her mother fell to disease only a few months afterwards, taking with her an unborn babe. The grieving widow had lacked the strength to fight her illness. She left behind two scared little girls. But fate had plans for the girls. Their aunt was the village miko. The tired woman, having no other family, took the girls in and started to train them in the shrine tradition.
I had been such a foolish child. I promised myself that I would end the suffering. I would be the best healer, the strongest protector. I did it for my sister, my village... my family.
Kikyo twisted her head away from the natural beauty before her. So, I followed my path, as a miko should. Then where did I go wrong? To end up like this. To die, to live again. Is my work not done yet? She turned back into the forest. Her sandaled stride made little sound.
I am not ready yet. To die, or to live? She had two options now, and when one was chosen then more questions would pop up.
If she choose to die then, would she take her own life? Would she go alone or insist on holding Inuyasha to his promise? Would her soul merge with the young miko or move on by itself? It had been separate for a long time now.
If she chose to live, where would she go? Would she be welcome among a village or be cursed to a wanderer's existence? She could never abandon her miko duties, this she knew. But would it be enough to keep her alive?
Perhaps she could choose both.
The last of the winter snows was just starting to melt as the sun-warmed air brought promises of an approaching spring. The small village outside of Inuyasha's forest was having a large feast. Today they were celebrating their heroes.
The huts and streets were decorated in colored paper lanterns and bright cloths. Winter vegetables and stores overflowed tables set out in the center of town. A casual visitor would be surprised to find strange silver packages and odd foodstuffs scattered liberally around the more traditional rice balls and bubbling soup pots. Whole deer and boars turned over roaring fires as giggling young women pulled feathers from a few winder birds.
The young future miko, fully recovered from her ordeal a few months ago was trying to instruct a village woman on the proper preparation of 'ramen noodles'.
A few yards away from her, the monk and the demon exterminator were helping to unload a crate of bowls and cups. The items were bright pink and seemed to be very thin. Yet when the monk carelessly dropped his armload, the bowls simply bounced, unharmed, along the ground around him. The growing Kitsune kit laughed about the properties of something called 'plastic'.
Kikyo watched the whole scene with some interest. It was hard for her to hide today. The barren trees offered little cover. She had to rely on her miko powers to fade her form as she stood in the shadow's of the shrine. She had watched Inuyasha disappear unaccompanied down the well earlier that morning. His companions had indicated that he would return soon, loaded with more foodstuffs from Kagome's mom.
This was the first day since Naraku's demise that Kikyo had sought him out. Did he think her dead? She watched the bubbly young miko before her. A small tendril of fear played at her heart. Does he even think about me anymore?
Once, not long after her resurrection he had claimed to think about her all the time. As the quest had gone on she had began to wonder about his devotion and the loyalty of his thoughts. Then she had seen his betrayal with her own eyes. He had cried for the other woman. He had given his heart completely to another. It still hurt. She tried to deny this.
The village bustled with life and activity. Kikyo felt out of place. This was my home. I grew up here, protected these people and their parents and grandparents. I gave my life to avenge the destruction of their town and prevent the jewel from causing them more pain. I shot an arrow through my heart that day. I did it for them; my honor, my duty, my life. But even here I have no place. She knew what would happen if the villagers saw her here. She had been seen before.
As long as humans didn't know that she was dead they treated her with respect and kindness. She wore the garb of a priestess after all. And even in this pitiful farce of a life she did her duty as such. She healed the injured, succored the weak, and battled the supernatural.
Then, inevitably, someone would discover her secret. The rumors were starting to slowly spread from village to village. 'There's a powerful miko.' They say in hushed whispers. 'But she is no longer living. They say she eats souls and conspires with youkai now.'
Every time people became suspicious they would turn on her. Fear, anger, it didn't matter what the reaction was. In the end it meant that her healings and good deeds went unacknowledged. So she would pick up and move on, to another village in need of a healer. It was her duty. At one point it had been her purpose for living.
Was it still her purpose now? Was she merely a tool of the fates; once broken, but brought back into use? The world reveled in cruelty.
Perhaps it was time to move on. To leave not only this former hometown, but this former life as well. She studied the future girl again. Kagome. Kikyo felt a small tug at her soul as she spoke the name in her mind.
Kagome. Her future life. The happier existence of her soul. Should she really just give up and fade back into that life? Can she forget being Kikyo?
That is what He wanted me to do. My poor confused Inuyasha. He asked
me to return to her, on that day when I was forced to live this lie. He held
my hand, preventing me from falling over the cliff face and asked me to go
to another oblivion. Her face hardened at the memory. I asked him
then if he wanted me to die. I have since had my answer. He wants me to die.
He wants me to find the so-called peace of death.
My Inuyasha. Would we have been this happy? Could I ever have trusted you
enough? Her unblinking gaze soaked in the life around her. She watched
with a twinge as the iny-hanyou returned to his companions. They all laughed,
his rare chuckle cutting through her heart. She watched because she could
not partake.
She stayed in her hiding spot, undetected as the villagers danced and played. She heard the sake-slurred speeches of gratitude for the odd group. She bowed her head with them when the Buddhist monk joined her sister in a prayer for the lost souls who fell victim to Naraku and the jewel. But it was with some surprise that she listened to the next speaker.
Kagome stood alone before the respectful crowd. She raised her voice only slightly as she called their attention to her. Kikyo felt her eyes grow wider and some more of her bitterness ease away.
"My friends, the victory we celebrated today was not won by ourselves
alone. It cost so many lives and wrecked even more homes. This village suffered
perhaps one of the earliest and greatest losses." The young miko paused and
took a deep breath. "As you know, we have searched for the past few months
to try and find Kikyo-sama. We couldn't find her or any rumors of a lone
miko." The villagers murmured softly amongst themselves as she paused again.
The girl turned to Inuyasha and a look passed between them. Kikyo looked
away from them.
So, I have lost him. She walked away then. Unnoticed, though apparently
not unlamented. The sorrowful words of the villagers' ceremony wafted over
her retreating form. She paused at the Goshinboku, feeling a familiar aura.
She fingered her bow, but did not bother to draw. "He'll be angry that
your smell is all over his tree." She spoke tonelessly to the leaves. A shadowy
figure stepped further from the branch. The sun's light throwing his face
into relief. He ignored her statement. His golden eyes colder than Inuyasha's
had ever been.
"You did not stay to hear what the mutt had to say." The wind lifted his
silver hair. She turned her head to look back towards the village.
"It doesn't mater. He would not say it to me." Her tone was as flawlessly
emotionless as his own. She did not fear death, but Sesshoumaru's hands would
not be the instruments of her destruction. A soft rustle of cloth drew her
eyes back to him. One clawed hand caressed the hilt of Tenseiga.
"You feel for him. You are still human." He continued to hold the sword.
When his eyes looked at her now they were not focused. He sees something
else. She thought. Despite herself, she shivered.
"Why are you here, Lord Sesshoumaru?" She snapped. He was unnerving her.
The barbed words hit her close to home. She laughed bitterly as he refused
to answer. "You want to kill your brother now?" His eyes narrowed. Once,
not too long ago he would have killed her where she stood. Instead he mocked
her.
"He'll be leaving you soon. Going with his new miko to her world." Kikyo
nodded. She had expected as much. Perhaps it was for the best after all.
The jewel would be safer there. Nor was she surprised that the demon lord
knew about Kagome. He was a crafty creature. If he was disappointed at her
lack of response he didn't show it. "I will see them again. Though I may
not care for it. I will live that long. But you...."
Kikyo's eyes narrowed. Why did he continue to torment her? They had spoken
a mere handful of times in the past. "I am frozen in time. I may yet outlive
you." Dispassionately, Sesshoumaru lifted the Tenseiga slightly from its
sheath. The exposed inches of blade glowed an erie blue. She took an involuntary
step back.
"They crawl over you. Yet, that witch worked her spells well." Though
his voice was even, Kikyo caught a hint of curiosity deep in his eyes. "Tell
me miko. What will happen if this Sesshoumaru does as Tenseiga asks?" Kikyo
flicked her gaze to the sword. She could hear it humming. What would it do?
Then he did not know.
Her eyes widened with indecision. It was a healing sword. Would it bring
her back to life? A real, complete body once more? Or would the sword merely
speed her descent to Hell as she had always assumed. Sesshoumaru's lips lifted
into a grim parody of a smile. Mockingly, he arched his eyebrow and allowed
the sword to slip back into its sheath.
"Someday, miko." In a flash and a rustle of leaves he was gone. Kikyo
regarded the Goshinboku warily. Casting one last look at the village, she
moved away. The haunting promise hung in the air. Soul catchers wove around
her, lifting her away. She would not linger here.
To live or to die? Which would that sword offer? Which would
she choose?
He left me again. Kikyo glided soundlessly through Inuyasha's forest. The late night air was alive with the calls of woodland creatures. Springtime, the time of birth, new life, a rutting time for many creatures just emerging from winter's brutality. Nature was following its cycle, obeying its strictest creeds. She walked outside of that.
And somewhere in the distant future, a hanyou and his pack were making a home. A home that had never included her. Now it never could.
Yet, here I am. Alone. Purposeless. A soul-catcher sensed his mistress's distress and it circled closer. Its smooth pale head caressed along her cool cheek, offering what comfort it could. Another of the ever-present creatures dipped in from overhead, releasing a collected soul from its grasp. Kikyo paused in her trek to allow the new soul to fully acclimate to its new host.
A new set of memories bubbled forth in fragments. This soul had belonged most recently to a middle-aged peasant woman. She had lived a simple life, married, had children, found happiness in a comfortable love. And now, the soul had found a new temporary home in Kikyo. In a few weeks, the quieter soul will move on, making the journey to a new, yet unknown, life.
Kikyo often envied the souls that she collected. They moved on. She stayed.
She borrowed their power and energies to keep herself bound to this world, tied to a life she hadn't wanted. Yet she had a hard time giving it up. Naraku was dead. Inuyasha was apparently beyond her reach in Kagome's world.... and yet she remained.
Unbidden, the image of a glowing sword came to her mind. She smiled wryly, once again finding herself in front of the Goshinboku.
"Someday" She promised.
~~Fin~~
AN: Confuse you? Good. I want you to think. What does it all mean? I have my own ideas, but I'll let you come up with them on your own. I also have some ideas for where it can go next. Life doesn't end for those left behind. But, if I decide to pursue it, it will be in a different format and a different story. This is it. Like the title says, I expect there to be remaining questions. Want to voice them? Leave me a review. I'd love to talk to you about it.
Depressed? Please read my one shot stab at WAFF (warm and fuzzy feelings) in "The Men in Her Life"
Thanks to Lady Penguin, lynnxlady, r y u kk u1, pruningshears, Jaid Skywalker, Tokyo Nightingale, lunemangelus, flamingBird, and Dia for giving this fic reviews. I know Kikyo is not popular, it is encouraging that other people can understand that she's not simpleminded scum. (I'm probably be flamed for this)