"Well. Now that everyone's here . . . finally . . ." Batman gave the Flash a Look. "We have a problem."
"Ah . . . this problem wouldn't happen to wear a red bustier and star-spangled panties, would it?" Wally ventured with a nervous grin.
"How did you guess?" Green Lantern answered drily.
"I'm a mind-reader? No, wait, that's J'onn--"
"I don't know if it's accurate to say there's a 'problem'," Superman objected. "Wonder Woman's just been going through some difficult times lately and--"
"Oh, please," Hawkgirl snapped. "When we have someone lecturing us day and night on the shortcomings of the Amazons, there's a problem. When our UN ambassadors cut their tour short so they won't have to hear any more rants about Themysciran history, there's a problem. When we can't to the common area without someone jumping out of nowhere to complain about how her mother never let her imaginary friend have a seat at the table, there's a goddamn problem!"
"Shayera!" Superman gasped. "Language!"
"Hawkgirl's right," GL interjected, crossing his arms. "We can't do a damn thing without having Diana ambush us with some rant about her mother or Themyscira. And I, for one, am sick of it. I say we tell her enough is enough."
"Agreed," nodded Hawkgirl.
"But guys . . . it's like Supes said, she's just going through a tough time," Flash protested, feeling somewhat guilty. "I mean, I'm sure if we just give her some space--"
"How are we supposed to give her space when she won't leave us alone?" Hawkgirl demanded, gripping her mace in a white-knuckled fist.
"Well . . . Yeah, but . . . I mean--" Flash fidgeted. "You want to help her, right? And, um, don't you think she needs to, like, get all this stuff out in the open?"
"Is that what you thought, Flash?" Batman asked, his white eyes slitting as he focused on the Scarlet Speedster.
The Flash froze for a second under the Bat's narrowed gaze. "What, uh, what d'you mean, Bats?"
"I was just wondering if you'd been helping Diana with her problems lately."
"Well . . ." Wally laughed nervously. "We all have, right?"
Batman slowly reached into his utility belt and pulled out a white piece of paper folded neatly into eighths. Flash watched with confusion and not a little apprehension as the dark gloves slowly unfolded it, smoothing out the creases.
"I found this," Batman tapped the piece of evidence with one finger, "on the fridge. Held in place with magnets. Power Puff Girl magnets." He subjected Superman to a minor glower as the Man of Steel shrugged helplessly.
"They were on sale!"
"Hn . . ."
"What does it say?" Green Lantern asked, all business as usual.
"It's funny you should ask that, Lantern," Batman said in a tone of voice that insinuated that it was not AT ALL funny. "It seems to be a list of sorts. And it seems to be written in a language based heavily in ancient Greek--"
"So we don't know what it says?" asked Hawkgirl.
"--in which I happen to be fluent--"
"Ah, yes, silly me," she muttered.
"And the title seems to translate roughly into . . ." He paused, staring down at the paper. "Reasons My Mother 'Sucks'. She put 'sucks' in quotation
marks."
"Oh dear," J'onn murmured.
"Now, who do we know who relies heavily on this word in his somewhat limited vocabulary?" Batman looked around. "Can YOU think of anyone, Flash?"
"Hey now . . ." Flash laughed nervously. "Let's not be hasty--"
"The irony is just sickening," John Stewart muttered, crossing his arms.
"YOU!" Hawkgirl howled, swinging towards the Flash. "I knew it! I KNEW this was somehow your fault!"
Superman caught her wrist before she could fling her mace at the speedster. "Now Shayera, I'm sure he has a perfectly reasonable explanation for--"
"Thought you'd sit back and snicker while the rest of us had to deal with Diana, huh? Reeeeeeal cute, kid." John Stewart crossed his arms. "Nice trick to play on someone going through tough times, too."
"Hey, no, that's not it at all," Wally protested, holding up his hands. "I was just trying to--"
"Send us over the edge?" Hawkgirl growled.
"No, I wasn't thinking of you at all. Wait, wait, that didn't come out right." He spread his hands in appeal. "I was just trying to help out Diana, okay? She was keeping everything all bottled up and I could see it was driving her crazy, so I thought--"
"--that she should drive us crazy too?"
"No." He have Shayera a glare. "I thought I could help her . . . you know . . . loosen up a little. I didn't know that she'd take the whole thing to extremes."
The Martian Manhunter, who had floated closer as he silently followed the exchange, suddenly spoke up in his soft, alien waver. "Flash was only trying to help," he said kindly, putting a green hand on Wally in a show of support.
"Thank you, J'onn."
"In his own inept way."
Flash scowled. "Forget the thanks."
"I was not serious; that was a 'joke'," J'onn explained, smiling gently as he patted Flash on the shoulder. "I am working on my 'sense of humor' so that I will be a more 'happening guy.'"
"That's . . . um . . . great," Superman said as the other Leaguers exchanged dubious glances. "But getting back to this business with Diana--"
"The Flash was correct in thinking she needed to let her feelings out--"
"HA! Hear that? I was RIGHT about something!"
"--although obsessing over the inadequacies of her homeland in general and her mother in particular may prove equally unhealthy."
"Shoot." Wally's face fell. "Well, I didn't know she had so many . . . issues."
"'Issues' does not BEGIN to cover it," Hawkgirl snorted.
"We all want to help the princess, but this is ridiculous," John Stewart agreed.
"What happened to Diana is . . . unfortunate," Batman said, and everyone tensed a little, having half-forgotten him as he stood gathering shadows. "But she needs to deal with her . . . situation. She is a weak point in the Justice League right now, a fracture point. She is distracted. She is causing us distractions. And we cannot afford to be distracted, gentlemen--"
"A-HEM!"
"--and lady," he said, as if he'd meant to include that all along, and maybe he had. "We are the Justice League. We are all that stands between Earth . . . and that." He pointed, and no doubt it would've been more impressive in one of the outer ring rooms with windows peering out into the starry expanse of blackness. Still, everyone got the idea. "Infinite space; infinite threats. Not to mention villains of the earthbound variety."
"Um . . . don't you think it's a little conceited to say that we're the only thing standing between Earth and certain doom?" Superman smiled.
Batman gave him a look.
"No, of course you don't," Superman sighed. "Silly me."
"If you think we're . . . superfluous . . . maybe you shouldn't be here," Batman said. "More to the point, maybe Diana shouldn't be here."
An uncomfortable silence spread over the heroes.
"Well, I don't know if I'd go that far," John Stewart said at last. "After all, she has been with us since day one . . ."
"She fought bravely against the Imperium," Hawkgirl admitted.
"She is a noble soul," J'onn murmured.
"She's all those things," Batman said. "She's also a liability right now."
"Maybe Br--BATMAN--" Superman corrected himself quickly as the Dark Knight swiveled to send a Bat-glare seering into his soul, "is right. Obviously we aren't going to kick her out of the League, but maybe an extended leave of absence, just until she can get herself sorted out . . ."
"A leave of absence to WHERE?" Wally demanded. "She's been exiled, for cryin' out loud! This is her home and we're her friends and I cannot believe you're suggesting that we just . . . abandon her like that. You think she's screwed up now? How's she gonna feel when the Big Bad Bat skulks up and tells her she's not good enough to be in the clubhouse."
"This isn't a clubhouse and we're not here to play games, Flash--"
"You don't understand what I'm saying, it would be for her own sake--"
"You guys can spin-doctor all you want," the Flash said. "Me, I'm going to go to the root of the problem." And he shot through the door in a crimson blur.
Somewhere, angels trembled; Wally West had an idea.