Title: Driving Disasters aka Why the
Slam Dunk Cast Do Not Drive
Chapter: 3/3 (Kageyama: Finally! The end of my torments!)
Genre: Non-yaoi (A/N: Is it too hard to believe?), Humour,
General
Warning: Mild OOC (I think…), nonsensical matter, attempted humour, some
grammatical mistakes, poor English
DISCLAIMER:
Here's the
million-dollar question…Who's the rightful owner of Slam Dunk? Is it (A) Inoue
Takehiko, (B) Inoue Takehiko, (C) Inoue Takehiko, or (D) Inoue Takehiko?
Kageyama:
I think the author's a bit crappy at the moment…
Intro: Why they don't drive cars? No, aside from their
age factor, I mean. It's simply because they fail their driving test! And now,
I leave it to their driving instructor, Mr. Kageyama Hoshi (He truly made it to
chapter 3! Not bad, not bad indeed…), to tell his painful story…I know I should
be sorrowful, but why am I laughing?
- - - - - - - - - - -
Kageyama: Hey, we've met! Aren't you the girl with her cousin brother—Aya-chan, right?
Ayako: *grimaces* I'd prefer you to call me Ayako.
Kageyama: *looks at her details on her form* Ano…you haven't filled in your surname.
Ayako: *looks around to make sure no one else is listening, then whispers to the tester* I can't tell you.
Kageyama: Wha—?
Ayako: I'll have to kill you after that…if you know what I mean.
Kageyama: Is this girl a national spy or something…? Oookay…
To shorten the story…
Kageyama: Go left at the next turn. That's it…Very good…
Ayako: Is it okay if I switch the radio on?
Kageyama: Just make sure it won't distract you.
Ayako: You need not to worry about that. *switches it on*
Deejay: We have the next caller on the line! Hello, who is this?
Caller: Miyagi Ryota.
Ayako: RYOTA????
Kageyama: That BOY???
Deejay: Any dedication, Miyagi-san?
Miyagi: Yeah. I'd like to dedicate this poem to the love of my life, Aya-chan.
Deejay: *stiffening chuckles* Let's hear your poem.
Ayako: *blushing, changes the station*
Kageyama: *changes it back for he is curious to listen to Miyagi's poem*
Ayako: *click*
Kageyama: *click*
Miyagi: You are the wind beneath my wings…
Ayako: *click*
Kageyama: *click*
Miyagi: The air that I breath…
Ayako: *click* Can't we listen to something else?
Kageyama: I want to hear what he's saying. *click*
Miyagi: The rainbow in my sky…
Ayako: *click* But I don't want to. It's abashing.
Kageyama: Only for a moment. You should appreciate the effort he has put in just so to prove his undying love for you. *click*
Ayako: *eyebrow twitching, she takes her tessen out* THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!
Kageyama: *comatose*
Miyagi: Nobody folds a paper-fan the way you do…
Ayako: ……
Notes: Never allow students to listen to the radio while driving.
Further Notes: Deposit bottles of aspirin in the car to relieve frequent headaches.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Why Aida Hikoichi Fails His Driving TestHikoichi: *genki mood* Kageyama-sensei! I've studied your notes!
Kageyama: Maybe this kid will succeed… Very good, I'm very happy to hear that. So you know everything by heart?
Hikoichi: *confident expression, nodding his head excitedly* Hmm!!
On the road…
Kageyama: You're doing fine. Turn to the left. Don't forget to signal.
Hikoichi: Signal?
Kageyama: Yes. You know, when you're turning right, you light the right-side front light…
Hikoichi: Oh no! I forgot about that! I have to check! Yo check ya! *rummages inside his backpack*
Kageyama: Oi! Oi! Keep your eyes on the road!
Hikoichi: Oh, right, I forgot. *stares ahead, but his hands are still in his bag, searching for his book*
Kageyama: *panicking* BAKA~!!!!!!!! *attempts to grab the steering wheel* We're heading straight for that signboard!
Hikoichi: *his hands now are clutching his head* AAAHH! We're going to die!!!! *grabs the driving instructor in fear*
Kageyama: Let go of me! I can't see!
Hikoichi, Kageyama: NOOOOOOO….!!!!!!
Needless to say, they crash into the poor road sign that says, "Drive carefully. Think of your loved ones".
Notes: Student relies heavily on notes.
Further Notes: 'Genki' means trouble.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Why Fukuda Kicchou Fails His Driving TestKageyama: If you keep this up, you'll pass for sure.
Fukuda: *tiny smile*
Kageyama: We've come to a roundabout.
Fukuda: I know that.
Kageyama: …
For some unknown reason, Fukuda keeps on orbiting the roundabout.
Kageyama: *impatient* Just what are you thinking you're doing?
Fukuda: Driving.
Kageyama: Yeah, but why must you circulate over and over again? We're wasting time!
Fukuda: I feel like it.
Kageyama: *eyebrow twitching* Why must you busy yourself with his absurd and superfluous act??
Fukuda: *is not amused*
Fukuda enters one road, much to Kageyama's relief. The latter is getting nauseous with all the circling. They pass a notice board that says "Bridge Under Construction. Road Closed."
Kageyama: *now terrified beyond words* What the hell are you trying to do?
Fukuda: Driving this godforsaken car.
Kageyama: Turn back! NOW!!
The car leaps in the air, off the incomplete overpass, and plunges down into the river.
Notes: Student is suffering from mental disorder. Had to fail him for the safety of innocent motorists.
Further Notes: Contact psychiatrist immediately for help.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Why Koshino Hiroaki Fails His Driving TestKoshino: So how am I doing so far, Kageyama-sensei?
Kageyama: So far so good. Keep it up, Koshino-kun.
Koshino: *pleased* Saa na…that's because you're a good teacher…
Kageyama: *also pleased*
Koshino: We're stuck in a traffic jam…
Kageyama: It's all right. We're in no hurry. Wait patiently.
Out of the blue, a car skids in their direction, nearly running into them
Kageyama: *sighs in relief* Lucky we're not hit…
Motorist #1: OI! Don't you know how to drive you @#$&#%+???!!!
Koshino: *enraged, he unwinds the window screen open* NANI??? What'd you just say?? I don't like people calling me names!
Kageyama: *worried* Err, Koshino-kun…
Motorist #1: You're the one who's blind! You're in my road!
Koshino: EXCUSE ME??? YOUR road? Since when?? My car was not moving at all!
Motorist #1: Ho! Are you blaming me, boy??
Koshino: YEAH! How'd you get your driving license anyway?
Motorist #2: Hora! Will you two stop it?
Koshino, Motorist #1: Mind your own business, you busybody!
Motorist #2: I RESENT THAT! *gets out of his car and slams the door shut*
Other motorists: *shaking their fist in anger, blowing their horn in irritation, shaking their head, while some are betting on who will win the argument*
Motorist #1: You stink!
Koshino: Good for nothing imbecile who doesn't know how to drive!
Kageyama: *tapping his fingers in exasperation, not daring to interfere*
Notes: Student has a very short temper. Remember to teach students about ethics.
Further Notes: Apprehended again by the same policeman for causing disturbance on the road. Recognized by the cop instantly.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Why Sendoh Akira Fails His Driving TestSendoh: *driving* This is one of my favourite spots for fishing.
Kageyama: Ah, Sendoh-kun, I see you fish too?
Sendoh: *smiles* You don't say, sensei? You fish as well, I take it? Have you tried fishing around here?
Kageyama: No. I usually go fishing with my friends in Osaka, and sometimes Nagoya.
Sendoh: Sou desu ka. Shall we take the car closer to the water?
Kageyama: Sure, why not?
Sendoh: *drives nearer to the sea* Perhaps we should stop awhile to enjoy the invigorating breeze, sensei?
Kageyama: I'd like that.
Sendoh: Superb!
Abruptly the car speeds forward, and into the water.
Sendoh: Blub… (Translation: Oops…)
Kageyama: Blub blub blub blub!!?? (What did you just do!!??)
Sendoh: Blub blub blub blub… (I didn't step on the brakes) …blub blub blub, blub! (It's an accident, honest!)
Notes: Keep the seaside out of the driving test.
Further Notes: Report to the authorities about a shark seen swimming nearby.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Why Uozumi Jun Fails His Driving TestKageyama: *gulps in fear* Sugoi…so tall…
Uozumi: Sensei? What are you staring at?
Kageyama: *looks away* Iie, it's nothing. Follow me, if you please.
Kageyama brings Uozumi to the car. Not just any car, but a rather small one.
Uozumi: *an odd expression on his face* You're asking me to drive that puny, little car? There's no way I'm going to fit in there!
Kageyama: *guilty look* I'm sorry, Uozumi-kun, but this is the only car available at the moment. All the other cars are with the mechanics…and one in particular is at the bottom of the sea. *flinches*
Whether Uozumi likes it or not, he still has to take the test—and that means he has to settle for the car, even if he's oversized for it. Already Kageyama has that disturbing feeling, a scary premonition, but as Uozumi starts the engine and begins driving, the hapless driving instructor knows it is too late to back away.
Uozumi: *feels very uncomfortable, very cramped, and discontented*
Kageyama: *praying raptly to push away any misfortune*
They come to a junction. Uozumi rotates the car without making sure if it is indeed safe for him to do so.
Kageyama: *reproachfully* You didn't look to the sides to check for incoming vehicles.
Uozumi: *incensed* I can hardly turn my head! Eh…what's that?
Kageyama: *leans forward to get a better view* It's a cow crossing the road. *realizes a tremendously obvious fact* You're going to hit it!
Uozumi: *tries to turn the steering wheel, but since it's awfully compacted in the car, the steering wheel remains stationary*
Kageyama: We're done for!!!
Cow: Moo…MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Notes: Make sure the vehicle is suitable for the student to use.
Further Notes: WHY WAS THAT GODDAMNED, BLASTED COW LOITERING ON THE ROAD?!?!?!?!?!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - [owari desu] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Kageyama:
*in crutches and bandages* And so, that's how the story ends. The authoress
would like to express her gratitude to the reader for reading and she's hoping
for reviews…
Authoress: *whacks Kageyama mercilessly*
Kageyama: *passes out*