Chaos! To win Tidus, Kimahri takes on a job as a famous professional rapper with Rikku's help, Yuna goes on an eating binge, Lulu has her head shaved by Kinoc, Seymour decides to become an underwear model,Tidus sets off to find a mysterious woman... in the Thunder Plains, Wakka has a walk-off with Seymour, an adventure in the Farplanes, FFX meets FF1, and MORE!
Seriously. You have to have played the game before to get this story. If you've never played you won't get it.
First paragraph and third paragraph suck. But the story gets much better.
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Tidus walked by, and Kimahri pushed him. But, what you do not know is that Kimahri pinched Tidus' nipples when he pushed him. "Hey! What's YOUR problem!?" Tidus yelled. Kimahri crossed his arms. If he could smile, he'd be grinning like a fool. Tidus moped away and Kimahri turned to Wakka. Wakka crossed his arms, and shook his head in disapproval. Kimahri turned away. "umm.. let's continue on the pilgrimage, my friends!" Yuna said happily, chomping down on a donut. Lulu stared at her. "Yuna. You must stop... you've been eating a week straight of tons and tons of extra fattening food. Look at you! You've gained 190 pounds! Tidus doesn't even think you're hot anymore!" All eyes turned to Tidus, who shook his head. "Uh-uh." he said.
"There's an inn just over there. Let's go sleep, ya?" Wakka asked. Everyone nodded in agreement, except Auron and Kimahri who stood silent.
(The goodnight theme is heard, along with some buzzing)
the next morning....
Kinoc leaped in front of Maester Mika. "YO MAESTAH!!!" Mika jumped back, almost having a heart attack. "Kinoc, what has gotten into you? Wha-- OH YEVON!!" Kinoc had braids and tons of black hair messily glued to his bald head with his dumb little beanie on top. "HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW MAESTER MIKA? HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW!?" He began to do the monkey. "What have you done to your head, Kinoc?" Kinoc pondered. "hmm. You're just JEALOUS." he started. "Well, you want this Kinoc? Do ya, Maester?" "Ki--" "WELL YOU CAN'T HAVE THIS KINOC! You can't handle this Kinoc!!" Kinoc walked away like a model with his hands on his waist. "Oh, Yevon!" Mika cried.
Lulu woke up screaming at the top of her lungs over and over again, stirring everyone out of their sleep except for Yuna, who was drooling a little bit with a huge box of glazed donuts under her arm. Lulu fell off of the bed and screamed, and so did everyone else. "OH MY GOD!!" She cried, her head shaved with a few tufts of hair left. Everyone started screaming too. "My hair!!!" She cried. "Rikku meekly held out a hat. "Lu, I have this rainbow afro clown wig.." Lulu backed off. "Oh, no way..." "Lu, it's either that or she run around with a shaved head with some tufts of hair." Lulu hung her head. "I... I guess... so...." Lulu took the wig and placed it on her head. Everyone (including Auron and Kimahri) stood silent, before bursting into an absolute fit of laughter. Tidus was distracted. Kimahri took this as an advantage, and grabbed his left buttock from behind. "KimahrilikeTidusbuttocks." He growled. Tidus screamed and turned around. "Oh, you FREAK! What's your problem ?!" He walked away. Eventually they again began traveling.
Seymour was bored with his life. His love life was ruined, now that Yuna was a 200 pound slob. He was bored in his mansion, with his ugly green servant Tromell in Guadosalam. "I`m tired of this!" He said as he went through a catalog. "What's this!!" Seymour cried in shock, seeing a Calvin Klien ad. A man stood in his underwear with a serious expression. "What is this? This.... this... I MUST DO THIS!" He cried. "TROMELL!" He yelled. Tromell moped in "Yes master?" "Here. Sign me up for an audition." He said, handing Tromell the book. "You wish to become an underwear model?!" "Is there a problem?" Seymour snapped back. "No... not at all..." Tromell groaned, before walking away.
Yuna sat on the couch watching TV, helping herself to some 10 pounds worth of candy and a big bottle of soda. Commercials came on. The music was hyper and upbeat, and there was a flash of a camera on this commercial, then flashing a pair of white underwear. "Don't be VAIN!" a man said, the screen showing a close-up of Seymour's forehead, which was all scary and veiny. Then, it showed Seymour in a pair of underwear floating around with strobe lights flying over him.
Yuna spit soda and candy everywhere, her eyes going wide.
"These are the best underwears in the world. In the back there is a comfortable type of plastic, which prevents skidmarks. Seymour stopped and closed one eye, clenching his fists as his face tensed. He turned around after sighing. The camera closed in on the back of his underwear. "See? No skidmarks!" There was a flash of a camera and it showed Seymour, with his hands behind his head. "Don't be VAIN," the camera again closed in on his forehead, and then zoomed out, "Purchase a pair today!" And it went onto the next commercial.
Yuna burst into laughter. She couldn't STOP laughing. She laughed so much she burned away 20 lbs a minute! Wowzas! She laughed hard and fell to the floor, rolling around, her face bright red. Auron walked in and saw Yuna becoming thinner and thinner. He turned and walked out. "I hate this place."
Kimahri walked by Tidus and slapped his ass. Tidus jumped into the air before turning around. "Ew man! Whats your problem!? You, you you, YOU HO-MO!" Kimahri winked at Tidus. Tidus walked away. "hmm." Kimahri began thinking. "Kimahri tactics not working. Kimahri must impress Tidus. Kimahri must... become... PROFESSIONAL RAPPER." Kimahri ran to Rikku. "Rikku. Kimahri need write song." Rikku looked at at him. "Um, so?" "Rikku. Kimahri come to you for help. Help. Kimahri want be professional rapper." Rikku sighed. "Well, I guess...." "Kimahri forever thankful for Rikku sacrifice. Kimahri can now impress Tidus. Kimahri and Tidus for life." He said in his scary monotone voice. Rikku looked at him. "Oh my Gawd! Kimahri, you're g--" Kimahri covered her mouth. "Fall silent." He said. Rikku giggled. "Oh my God, Kimahri, I can't believe you love the c--" Kimahri punched Rikku in the head, knocking her out cold.
Wakka stood behind Kimahri. Kimahri looked back as Wakka slowly shook his head in dissaproval. Kimahri then looked away.
Tidus sat bored on the ground outside, looking up. He'd just dismissed Kimahri, who watched from afar. Tidus looked at Kimahri and Kimahri winked at him. Tidus rolled his eyes and looked away, shaking his head slightly. Sitting here was excruciatingly boring. They were now camping in the Macalania Woods. Wakka was talking to Yuna. Kimahri (now) sat with Rikku, the two writing something down on papers, crumbling them up, erasing. Auron stood against a tree and Lulu was sitting on the ground covering her head. Tidus hung his head before looking up into the tree above him after hearing some rustling. A woman dressed like a Ninja lingered up there, obviously watching him. "Hey!" He stood up, still looking up until the ninja-chick darted off of the tree and toward the Thunder Plains.
"Who was that?" Rikku said, looking up. Tidus shook his head. "Don't know." but curiousity got the best of him. "Um, I`m gonna go find that person-- I`ll be back soon."With that he stood and ran off toward the Thunder Plains.
Tidus arrived, looking out on the Thunder Plains. But one thing he forgot was the lightning that could hit him. Almost on queue there was a bright flash, and it hit. Tidus jumped back, narrowly being hit. "Whoa!" He started running, and took shelter under one of the lightning absorbers. He looked around and didn't see the woman. "Oh look..." He said, walking toward a big rock. " A cactuar sto--"FUCK!!!!" Lightning hit him, causing him to fly back. He sat up brushing himself off. "God damn it!" He said. He stood up and saw the woman atop one of the absorbers. "you!" he cried, before she darted off, hopping from one to another. Tidus began to chase, before again being hit. "SHIT!" He screamed. "GOD DAMN FUCKIN' THUNDER PLAINS! I HATE YOU!!!" As soon as he finished he was again hit. "FAAAAHHK!" He screamed. That was it, he was going back. He was running like hell back toward the woods, getting struck again. "AAHH!!" He screamed loudly. As he entered the woods he screamed, "FUCK YOU, THUNDER PLAINS!!" Before a HUGE bolt of lightning, bigger than any other hit Tidus. Tidus fell over, blackened here and there, sizzling. He crawled toward the woods in pain.
Wakka was talking to Yuna, still. "Well, actually, I like baking cookies. It's fun." He started. "Plus, you get to..." A loud groan of pain. "Waaaaaaaaaaaaghh...." Wakka looked over and saw Tidus crawling toward them, sizzling and blackened in all different spots on his body. "Uuuugh...." He groaned. Wakka and Yuna jumped up, as well as Rikku. They all ran over and knelt down to Tidus. "Oh my gosh, are you okay!?" Rikku cried. "Man! What happened to ya!" Wakka said. Tidus rolled over on his back. "fuck.... thunder... plains..." he said before passing out.
When Tidus woke up Kimahri sat at his side, stroking his hair. "Tidus it will be okay." He said in a quick monotone voice. "OH MY GOD! GET OFF OF ME!!!" Tidus screamed. Kimahri jumped back and walked off, giggling. Tidus groaned in pain, looking around. "Where am I...." he said meekly. "Oh! Tidus you're awake!" Yuna cried joyfully. Tidus shook his head. "Paaaaiiinn. Where am I..." "We're in the Thunder Plains." Auron stated. Tidus started screaming. "NOO!! GET ME THE HELL OUT OF THIS GOD FORSAKEN PLACE!! AHGG!!!!" "Relax!" Wakka said. "We're at the inn. You're safe here." "Oh God THANK YOU..." Tidus said, relieved. "We're leaving soon." Tidus screamed again. "I DONT WANT TO GO OUT THERE!!"
Kimahri and Rikku stood together, Wakka sitting on the ground. No one else was around. "Okay Kimahri. For Tidus!" Kimahri said in his frightening, deep monotone voice: "Fashizzle my nizzle." Rikku backed off. "Ready? Set.... Go!" Kimahri jumped up and down. "Yo" A record scratched, and again without emotion: "yo." Rikku winced at the camera, with one gold tooth, sunglasses, and a sideways visor as she spinned the discs. He grabbed his crotch and spun around. "yo yo yo." The beat stopped and some record scratching was heard before it ended. Rikku leaped out and grabbed Kimahri by the arm. "Kimahri you were GREAT!!" Wakka sat there with his arms crossed and looked at the two, who looked at him. "You spent three days coming up with THAT, ya?" He said, unimpressed. Rikku and Kimahri became straight faced... well.. not Kimahri. He was always straight-faced. Rikku looked angry. "Screw you Wakka! If you don't appreciate our work then screw you!" She yelled at him angrily. Wakka laughed, before Rikku took out a grenade. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!! ya?" Wakka screamed (except for the ya), running off into the woods. Rikku looked at Kimahri and laughed. "We'll show him. Come! Let's go show Auron!" She tugged him by the arm and they walked off to where Auron was standing, at the camp yards away. "Hey Auron!" Rikku cried excitedly, leaping in front of him. Auron stared. "What?" He said. "Wanna see Kimahri's dance routine? It's to impress Tidus." Auron stared at her for a second or two. "No." he said. "Alright! Great!" Rikku cried, running over to the boombox and starting it. Again, Kimahri did the dance. When it was over Rikku ran up to Kimahri's side. "So whatdja think, Auron? Wasnt it GREAT!?" Auron stared at her for a moment or two. "No." He began to walk away from them. Rikku looked at Kimahri. "Kimahri, don't look so discouraged!" Kimahri looked at her, with the SAME expression he ALWAYS has on. Rikku sighed. "I guess we'll need help. But... who can help us make a rap?" Kimahri shrugged silently. Rikku gasped. "Oh my Gosh! I know EXACTLY WHO. Come!" They ran.
(Corny, stupid, silly music plays, nothing else heard.) Rikku is next to Kimahri, talking to Isaaru. He shakes his head. Rikku looks angry, and then storms away.
Kimahri and Rikku are at Guadosalam, at the door of Seymour's mansion. They knock, and Seymour comes out in underwear. There are tons of photographers in his mansion. Rikku and Kimahri look at eachother before bursting into a fit of laughter, stumbling away. Seymour yells something, and then slams the doors shut.
Rikku and Kimahri stand before Rin. Rikku smiles, knowing Rin cause he's an Al Bhed, like her. Unfortunately, he shakes his head and then offers them a bean worth 50,000,000 gil. The music fades. "I`ll take it!" Rikku handed him a HUGE bag of gil. "So what does it do?" "Just rub it while making a wish. And it will hatch, containing something to solve your problems." Rikku jumped up and down. "You're great Rin! COME ON!!" Kimahri and Rikku ran out the door and back to the Macalania Woods.
They sat by the lake, everyone else at the camp. "Alright.... here we go...." Rikku closed her eyes and rubbed the big kidney bean. "We need help making rap!" She opened her eyes and stepped back. "Nothing is happening..." she said, before it burst into blinding light. Kimahri and Rikku shielded their eyes as a figure emerged from the bean. Kinoc burst out and flew in mid air before gracefully landing. He stood silent, looking down. Rikku and Kimahri watched, Rikku leaning forward in anticipation. Kinoc slowly pulled a pair of sunglasses out of his pockets, before, in one motion, flipping them on and spinning in a circle. "YO YO YO! KINOC'S HERE! And now that I`ve got my mad phat hair--" "YOOOOUU!!! YOU DISGUSTING, GREASY PIG!!!" Everyone turned to Lulu, who was marching toward Kinoc with fire in her eyes. "Yo! why you be so grimey Lulu?" She looked VERY serious, and very angry. Kinoc gasped, before gulping. "I-- I-- UMM... I... you see... I DIDN'T MEAN TO! Sin did it!" He cried. Lulu didn't even flinch.
(the screen went black then, screams of agony, cursing, screams of terror, things smashing, things burning and thunder hitting, along with more gruesome sound effects.)
The screen faded in, showing a pile of Ash with Kinoc's beanie on top on the floor. Lulu fixed her hair, smiling before kicking the ash, which flew away with a gust of wind. Kimahri and Rikku looked at eachother.
A small envelope flew around Tidus, circling him before landing in his hands. He opened it. It was an invitation to Seymour's Mansion in Guadosalam. He and Wakka were both invited to a walk-off. "What the hell? Walk-off?" Tidus said, walking over to Wakka and showing him. "Hah! Dat Seymour thinks he's so great." Wakka laughed, sitting back. Tidus sighed and crumbled up the envelope, tossing it aside. A box fell from the sky and hit Tidus in the crotch. "GAAHHH!!!" He held his crotch and fell to his side, screaming in pain. Wakka opened it. Another envelope was inside. "Haha! Gotcha! Hey Wakka, you think your so cool, ya?" Wakka gasped. "HE MOCKED MY YA!! ya?" He continued reading, Tidus slowly lifting himself to read it with his hands on his crotch. "So Wakka, I`m challenging YOU specifically. Be there, or be square. And bring your BOYFRIEND Tidus with you. HOMO!" Wakka screamed, infuriated. "From, Seymour." It finished, with a small heart. "PS: It'll be at my mansion. Bring your best moves, or I`ll make grooves all over your FACE! HAHAHAHAH!" Wakka jumped up. "THAT'S IT!! Tidus! We're going to Seymour's! NOW!!" He grabbed Tidus by the arm the dragged them. "Why?" "Me and Seymour have a score to settle, ya." "LIKEICARE." Tidus yelled, before being slapped.
As they walked down the path to Guadosalam, a really big box fell out of the sky, hitting Tidus in the head. "OWWWW!!" He screamed, grabbing the back of his head and collapsing. Wakka opened the box. "It must be from dat idiot, Seymour." An envelope was inside, Wakka read it out loud: "Hey Wakka, don't forget to bring your best lingerie. I`ll beat you anyway, so WHUT-EVA." Wakka looked up, throwing the envelope down as Tidus stood up.
O'aka was approaching. "O'akas the name. Illegally selling lingerie and cocaine is my game." He stopped in front of them, setting down his big green bag. "Hey man, I need some help, I need your best lingerie." Wakka said. "Can do, can do. Here, we have the Super Duper Sexy M.O.N.K.E.Y. thong." "What's the MONKEY stand for?" "I don't know. I just don't know." He said firmly. He pulled it out. There was a plastic monkey face attatched to a red lacey thong with bananas hanging off the sides, and a tail in the back hanging almost to the floor. "I`ll take it!!" Wakka screamed, handing over the money. Tidus looked at Wakka. "Oh my Gosh, Wakka. You're SICK." He said seriously.
When the two of them arrived, Seymour awaited them inside. "Greetings, Wakka and Tidus." He said with a grin on his face, standing with his arms crossed in the center of a catwalk. "YOU!" Wakka yelled, in his new outfit, storming to the stage. There was an audience of celebrities, and photographers; as well as reporters. Seymour gracefully hopped off the stage, landing in front of Wakka. His groupies (AKA Tromell, Mika, and a few random midgets and toothless homeless people) stood behind him. Tidus, Rikku, Lulu, Auron, Kimahri, and Yuna stood behind Wakka. "Then..." Seymour threw his arms in the air. "LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!" He disappeared in a poof of smoke.
"Hit it, Eminem!" Seymour cried. Eminem stood up in a DJ booth, as Seymour strutted out from backstage-- the entrance being a huge picture of Seymour laughing. The doorway was his mouth. He began to strut his stuff. "I HATE MY LIFE! I HATE MY DOG! I HATE MY MOM! I HATE STANDARDIZED TESTING! I HATE TROMELL! I HA--" "STOP!!!" Seymour screamed, outraged. "What is this GARBAGE?!" He cried. "Can't you do any better, Eminem!?" He yelled. The music began again, and Seymour continued. "I HATE SEYMOUR! I HATE YOU ALL!!" He screamed, as he began to break stuff. "WHAT IS THIS GARBAGE!!!!!!! I SAY!!" Seymour screamed. "Guards!!" Guados began to restrain the retarded wigger, before taking him down from the booth and bringing him out of the mansion.
Wakka laughed at Seymour. "Haha! Oh Yevon, are you stupid!" Seymour's eyes widened. "..STUPID...? GUARDS!!!! KILL THEM!!" A wave of countless guards ran at them. "LET'S MAKE LIKE BANANA AND SPLIT." Kimahri said loudly. Everyone burst into laughter, before running. "To the Farplanes!" Yuna cried. They ran like hell up the grassy ramp, nearing the entrance to the Farplanes. "Matrix!" A deep echoey voice screamed. Everyone looked around before leaping, finding themselves moving in slow motion with a fading image of themselves behind them. "What the..." They all jumped, screaming in slow motion. Lulu began to run across the heads of the guards, her heels smashing into their skulls. Also in slow motion, they collapsed.
Suddenly, a huge green hand with humongous nails erupted from the crowd and grabbed Lulu by the ankle. She screamed, flailing her arms as she was yanked into the crowd. Everything went into fast motion again, and since nobody on the cast had noticed her, they kept running. Tidus was the first to notice. "Where did Lulu go!?" Everyone stopped, at the staircase to the Farplanes. There was an eruption of lightning outside, before Lulu staggered in. She collapsed on the stairs, and Yuna ran to herlp her. "Are you alright!?" "Yes..." Lulu coughed. Suddenly, a new wave of guards poured in.
"Damn!" Wakka screamed. "Let's be going!" Auron said, sounding irritated. They ran, and leaped through the barrier that would lead them into the Farplanes.
Tidus awoke, lying on a grassy field. "...?" He slowly sat up, seeing Wakka standing along and looking around, confused, as he was. Lulu and Kimahri, as well as Rikku were approaching. Auron stood alone, and Yuna was talking to her parents.
"Are you Chappu?" Both Wakka and Lulu gasped in horror and surprise, as the ghost of Wakka's brother stood before them. "Ya!" He jumped to Wakka. "What's crackalackin Chappu!??!" Wakka shouted, grabbing him by the shoulder excitedly. "Nothing! Check it out! It's Lulu!" Lulu stood in silence, looking down. "You been cheating on me?" He turned to Wakka and shoved him. "Keep your hands off my bitch, ya!" He shouted angrily. Wakka put his hands out. "Whoa brotha! I ain't doin' nothin' with Lu! And you guys broke up anyway!"
Chappu looked back and forth before turning around. Wakka turned with him, so their backs were facing the group. Chappu slung an arm around Wakka's neck. "She has a nice rack, ya?" "...!" Wakka didn't want to respond. So, his brother nudged him. "Admit it!" Wakka giggled. "Well... ya... I guess so! Ya!?" They both burst into hysterical laughter.
Everyone watched, confused. Lulu stood in silence, with her head bowed, not sure what to say. "Ah!" Wakka cried, grabbing Tidus by the arm. "Hey! He looks just like you, Chappu!" Tidus was torn over, and looked at Chappu in silence. They both looked at eachother critically. "We don't look nuttin alike!" "Yeah! Why do you always say that!?" Tidus said. Chappu basically looked a lot like a younger Wakka. Absolutely NOTHING like Tidus.
"There's so many babes in here, da Farplanes!" Chappu cried, before looking at Lulu wide-eyed, who looked at him wide eyed. "What.. did you... SAY!!!?" Lulu said, pissed. "Oh no!" Chappu cried, hiding behind Wakka. "I didn't mean it! Well, I mean, I still love you, and... I DIDN'T MEAN IT MAN!" Chappu cried. Lulu looked extremely pissed off. "FIRST I get my HEAD SHAVED and I have to WALK AROUND WITH A RAINBOW AFRO ON! After finally getting my hair back from a fat psycho priest, I`m forced to go to this CRAZY walk-off!" Chappu stepped back and looked at Wakka. "What the hell you wearin', bro!?" he said. Wakka covered himself up. "Ahh... ah... do-- don't ask." Lulu continued. "THEN we have to run! THEN! I get caught by guards!! Then I almost kill myself trying to get away! AND NOW THIS!!!" She screamed. "DOES ANYONE CARE!!! DOES ANYONE CARE ABOUT LULU?!?!!!!" She screamed up dramatically to the sky, falling to the ground and reaching up.
Tidus, Wakka, and Chappu all watched, wide-eyed. Yuna was talking to her father yards and yards away. Auron stood beneath a tree, and Kimahri monitored Yuna. Rikku was talking to everyone who had died when her home was attacked, especially her brother.
Tidus paced around, alone. He looked down, before hearing a voice with a British accent. "Hey there!" "Huh?" He looked up and screamed in horror, to see all of the twenty two O'aka's (the O'aka in the game is O'aka the 23rd) in a line, all completely identical with green bags slung over their shoulders. "Oaka's the name!" They all said at the same time. Tidus stumbled back, absolutely horrified beyond his wits. All of a sudden, they began surrounding Tidus. Tidus looked around, scared. "Buy stuff..." "Buy stuff..." They all chanted at different times. They also chanted at different times (as in not in synch), "Care to spare any change?" Tidus screamed and burst through the crowd of O'aka's, running toward Auron. "Auron! You won't believe what's happening!" "Uh?" Auron looked up, pushing his sunglasses down his nose, to see all of the O'aka's approaching, saying different things. "....Holy shit." He said, pushing his sunglasses up. "Just ignore them. They'll go away." He said. "Make no sudden movements..." Tidus and Auron didn't move at all. The O'aka's began to walk away in a crowd, before an apple fell out of the tree above them, hitting Tidus on the head. "YOWCH!!" Tidus screamed, jumping up a bit and grabbing his head as the 20 lb apple (don't ask... o.o;) rolled to the ground. All of a sudden the O'aka's turned around and began coming at Tidus and Auron. "Buy stuff..." "Care to spare any change?" "O'aka's the name..." they said over and over again at different times. Auron stood seriously, staring. "I hate this place." He said, before the "Hurry!" music started playing (it's the song that plays in the beginning of the game after Sin attacks Zanarkand and Tidus and Auron are running and fighting the Sin Spawns), Tidus and Auron running. They ran by Kimahri who began to be surrounded by the O'aka's, who were cloning themselves with their.. evil O'aka powers. More and more O'aka's leaped out of their green bags, until there were hundreds. Kimahri started running with them. Then Rikku, then Wakka, then Chappu, then Lulu.
Yuna looked over and gasped. "Mother, father, forgive me but I must go!" she cried, running with them from the continuously multiplying O'aka's, who said the same phrases over and over again as they gave chase. Lord Braska and his wife screamed. "It's those O'aka's again!!" They too began to run. All of the Al Bhed who perished when the city was attacked also ran like hell. The O'aka's were unstoppably multiplying and running after everyone by the thousands.. the number quickly going up.
"They went this way!" Seymour screamed, still in his CK underwear. He had five guards behind him and Tromell at his side. He saw smoke rising in the horizon-- which was in fact dust being kicked up from the running people. "There they are!" He put a hand out as to signal them to stop, the other hand on his waist. "Stop right ther-- huh?" "O'aka's the--" "Care to spare cha--" "Oaka--" "Buy stuff--" Seymour screamed in horror. "Run!!!" He cried. His guards, Tromell, and him all ran from the O'aka's with everyone.
"You FREAK! What are you doing here!" Tidus screamed as he ran beside Seymour. "Buzz off, you little playboy!" Wakka ran up at Seymour's side, glaring at him. Seymour glared at him too. "I see you're still in your walk-off outfit!" "I see you are, too." Wakka shot back. They narrowed their eyes at eachother before looking forward and continuing to flee from the countless O'aka's.
"What do we do!? There's a wall up ahead!" Rikku cried out. "We'll make a turn!" Tidus replied. "But dere's too many O'aka's!" Wakka yelled. "I think we'll just have to fight them!" Yuna said. There was a long silence before Lulu spoke. "Yuna's right." "It's the only way to get rid of them." Auron replied.
"But we can't kill them! They're already dead!" Seymour yelled. "SHADDAP YOU VEINY FREAK!" Wakka screamed at Seymour. Chappu, the Al Bhed, and Yuna's parents looked around. "Hey! We're dead too! Then that means..." Lord Braska started, "We can easily escape!" Chappu yelled. "Sorry bro!" He said, before he, the Al Bhed, and Yuna's parents all disappeared in poofs of rainbowy smoke.
"By Yevon's name, those unworthy bastards!" Lulu cried out in vain. They were about to approach the wall. "It's up to us!" Tidus yelled, before stopping and turning to the million O'aka's, everyone else (including Seymour and his Guados) stopping short and turning, in battle stance.
There were sounds of struggling and things hitting, people screaming and potions being used as a digital counter appeared on the screen. Slowly, the number (5,000,900) of O'aka's began to decrease, sometimes shooting up as they multiplied. Eventually, it reached zero.
"But I thought they'd be undefeatable 'cause they're already dead." Rikku said. Yuna shook her head. "They're only temporarily gone. But not for long, so we have to find a way out of here." She replied to Rikku. "Yuna, you should know how to get out...?" Tidus said. She nodded. "There's a station that will send us to Mount Gagazet. So... just follow me!" She began to run, and the large group ran after her. "There it is! Up ahead!" There was a small house, infested with O'aka's. "Damn!" Auron said. "They're already back." Lulu sighed.
The O'aka's turned to the group and began to approach them. "I know! I`ll call upon my Mother and Father! They'll get us out!"
There was a long silence before Yuna screamed: "DDDDDDDDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDD!!!!!!" Everyone stumbled back, covering their ears as the ground cracked and cliffs crumbled. Lord Braska appeared in front of them. "Yez?" "Can you get us outta here?" Yuna asked politely. "Sure! But I don't know where you'll end up!" He said. Before teleporting them. "Wai--!" Yuna screamed, being cut off.
Everyone fell out of the sky and landed on the S.S. Winno. "The ship! Of ship-ness! When I first turned up in Spira!" Tidus said. "Dats right. The S.S. Winno. 'Scuse me, while I go change my clothes." Wakka replied, before walking away. Thinking of Zanarkand, Tidus got depressed. He walked over to the end of the boat, standing on the edge and looking out into the vast ocean. "I wish I could fly home..." He sighed.
"Ya. I`d like to, too... (sigh)" Wakka said. Tidus swung around. "WAKKA!" Wakka burst into laughter, but Tidus got very serious. "Nobody believes me.." He sighed as he looked out into the ocean again. Tidus put his arms out to the sides as Wakka held him by the waist, "My Heart Will Go On" fading in. Tidus screamed in disbelief and disgust, swatting Wakka's hands off of his waist as the song stopped short with the scratch of a record. He leaped down. "Ew! I though you really weren't gay, Wakka!" He said. "Well.. I`m not. I just kind of got into the moment." He explained. Tidus walked away and sat on the other end of the boat.
"Excuse me, but where's this boat heading?" Yuna asked a crewmember. "Nowhere in particular as of now!" Yuna stared, and blinked twice. "But that... doesn't make sense."
Seymour walked around in his underwear, inside the S.S. Winno. "What's this?" He looked up and saw a sign: "Engine Room". "Ahh..." He slowly pushed the door open. The room was very dim... VERY dim. All of a sudden, someone pushed him in and locked the door. Seymour began to scream, slamming on the door. "Tromell! TROMELL!! GUADOS!"
Tromell and the Guados were slowly surrounded by countless O'aka's, cornered in the Farplanes.
He felt around for the lights. When he turned them on, he was horrified to see chocobos behind him running on wheels. "AHH! WHAT IS THIS!? CHOCOBOS? TROMELL! TROMMMEEELLL!!!!!"
Kinoc walked out onto the deck of the S.S. Winno. Yuna looked back over her shoulder before swinging around. Everyone else did so. "You!" Lulu cried, "I thought I killed you!" Kinoc crossed his arms and put on his sunglasses. "Didn't send me! WHORE!" Lulu gasped, offended and angry. "...Oh, Yuna. Just get rid of him while you still can." "Gladly." "NOOO!!" Kinoc cried, as Yuna began to send him. "YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!" His body began to fade as pyreflies surrounded him. He tried to run away, but couldn't!
"Well you'll never see Seymour again!" Kinoc laughed madly. There was a long silence, before Tidus said: "So?" And with that, Kinoc disappeared.
Suddenly, a few extremely short 2-d horribly designed people walked out, kinda screwed up, in front of Tidus, Wakka, Yuna, Lulu, Kimahri, and Rikku. A box popped up, the text reading: "Hey you!" Tidus looked down at the text box at his waist and read it. He looked up. "Um... yeah?" Another box popped up. "Who do you think you are, chump!?" It read. Tidus looked at the box, and then down on the horribly designed 2-d blocky characters. "Chump? What did I do?" Another box popped up. "Not what you did! What you all did!" It read. "What we all did!?" Tidus responded to the knee-tall people. Another box popped up at Tidus' waist. "You all think you're so good! With your voices, and your looks, and your amazing 3-d design!" The group again read the box.
"Naturally!" Rikku responded. One of the blocky digital characters walked up to Rikku like he had a wedgie, and kicked her in the knee. "OW! You little ugly digital elves! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!?" She cried out, holding her knee. A box popped up at her waist. "Who we are!? Has everyone forgotten ALREADY? WE ARE THE ORIGINALS YOU BITCHES!!!" Everyone again read the boxes at their waists. "Originals?" Tidus asked. Another box shot up and hit Tidus in the balls. He shrieked and fell over, twitching on the ground. "We are the originals! Final Fantasy 1 you whores! Don't you forget that! WE'RE THE KINGS AND QUEENS! If it weren't for us, YOU WOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN CREATED!"
Tidus crossed his arms, sighing. "Is that all?" Another box popped up at Tidus
waist. "Yes." "Great. Thanks." And with that, the FF1 characters walked away. Tidus looked at Wakka and snickered.
"Help! Help!" A woman cried, as she ran out from the back deck. "There is a veiny man in underwear molesting the chocobos!"
Everyone looked at eachother, before running toward the engine room.
Tidus was the first to burst in.. only to find Seymour, covered in yellow feathers and paint. "I have become one with the chocobos." Was all he said. He began to slowly spin around, slowly flapping his feathery arms. "Squak.... squak...." "Seymour is truly at the end of his wits." Yuna stated. "Been at the end of his wits, Yuna." Lulu responded.
Seriously. You have to have played the game before to get this story. If you've never played you won't get it.
First paragraph and third paragraph suck. But the story gets much better.
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Tidus walked by, and Kimahri pushed him. But, what you do not know is that Kimahri pinched Tidus' nipples when he pushed him. "Hey! What's YOUR problem!?" Tidus yelled. Kimahri crossed his arms. If he could smile, he'd be grinning like a fool. Tidus moped away and Kimahri turned to Wakka. Wakka crossed his arms, and shook his head in disapproval. Kimahri turned away. "umm.. let's continue on the pilgrimage, my friends!" Yuna said happily, chomping down on a donut. Lulu stared at her. "Yuna. You must stop... you've been eating a week straight of tons and tons of extra fattening food. Look at you! You've gained 190 pounds! Tidus doesn't even think you're hot anymore!" All eyes turned to Tidus, who shook his head. "Uh-uh." he said.
"There's an inn just over there. Let's go sleep, ya?" Wakka asked. Everyone nodded in agreement, except Auron and Kimahri who stood silent.
(The goodnight theme is heard, along with some buzzing)
the next morning....
Kinoc leaped in front of Maester Mika. "YO MAESTAH!!!" Mika jumped back, almost having a heart attack. "Kinoc, what has gotten into you? Wha-- OH YEVON!!" Kinoc had braids and tons of black hair messily glued to his bald head with his dumb little beanie on top. "HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW MAESTER MIKA? HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW!?" He began to do the monkey. "What have you done to your head, Kinoc?" Kinoc pondered. "hmm. You're just JEALOUS." he started. "Well, you want this Kinoc? Do ya, Maester?" "Ki--" "WELL YOU CAN'T HAVE THIS KINOC! You can't handle this Kinoc!!" Kinoc walked away like a model with his hands on his waist. "Oh, Yevon!" Mika cried.
Lulu woke up screaming at the top of her lungs over and over again, stirring everyone out of their sleep except for Yuna, who was drooling a little bit with a huge box of glazed donuts under her arm. Lulu fell off of the bed and screamed, and so did everyone else. "OH MY GOD!!" She cried, her head shaved with a few tufts of hair left. Everyone started screaming too. "My hair!!!" She cried. "Rikku meekly held out a hat. "Lu, I have this rainbow afro clown wig.." Lulu backed off. "Oh, no way..." "Lu, it's either that or she run around with a shaved head with some tufts of hair." Lulu hung her head. "I... I guess... so...." Lulu took the wig and placed it on her head. Everyone (including Auron and Kimahri) stood silent, before bursting into an absolute fit of laughter. Tidus was distracted. Kimahri took this as an advantage, and grabbed his left buttock from behind. "KimahrilikeTidusbuttocks." He growled. Tidus screamed and turned around. "Oh, you FREAK! What's your problem ?!" He walked away. Eventually they again began traveling.
Seymour was bored with his life. His love life was ruined, now that Yuna was a 200 pound slob. He was bored in his mansion, with his ugly green servant Tromell in Guadosalam. "I`m tired of this!" He said as he went through a catalog. "What's this!!" Seymour cried in shock, seeing a Calvin Klien ad. A man stood in his underwear with a serious expression. "What is this? This.... this... I MUST DO THIS!" He cried. "TROMELL!" He yelled. Tromell moped in "Yes master?" "Here. Sign me up for an audition." He said, handing Tromell the book. "You wish to become an underwear model?!" "Is there a problem?" Seymour snapped back. "No... not at all..." Tromell groaned, before walking away.
Yuna sat on the couch watching TV, helping herself to some 10 pounds worth of candy and a big bottle of soda. Commercials came on. The music was hyper and upbeat, and there was a flash of a camera on this commercial, then flashing a pair of white underwear. "Don't be VAIN!" a man said, the screen showing a close-up of Seymour's forehead, which was all scary and veiny. Then, it showed Seymour in a pair of underwear floating around with strobe lights flying over him.
Yuna spit soda and candy everywhere, her eyes going wide.
"These are the best underwears in the world. In the back there is a comfortable type of plastic, which prevents skidmarks. Seymour stopped and closed one eye, clenching his fists as his face tensed. He turned around after sighing. The camera closed in on the back of his underwear. "See? No skidmarks!" There was a flash of a camera and it showed Seymour, with his hands behind his head. "Don't be VAIN," the camera again closed in on his forehead, and then zoomed out, "Purchase a pair today!" And it went onto the next commercial.
Yuna burst into laughter. She couldn't STOP laughing. She laughed so much she burned away 20 lbs a minute! Wowzas! She laughed hard and fell to the floor, rolling around, her face bright red. Auron walked in and saw Yuna becoming thinner and thinner. He turned and walked out. "I hate this place."
Kimahri walked by Tidus and slapped his ass. Tidus jumped into the air before turning around. "Ew man! Whats your problem!? You, you you, YOU HO-MO!" Kimahri winked at Tidus. Tidus walked away. "hmm." Kimahri began thinking. "Kimahri tactics not working. Kimahri must impress Tidus. Kimahri must... become... PROFESSIONAL RAPPER." Kimahri ran to Rikku. "Rikku. Kimahri need write song." Rikku looked at at him. "Um, so?" "Rikku. Kimahri come to you for help. Help. Kimahri want be professional rapper." Rikku sighed. "Well, I guess...." "Kimahri forever thankful for Rikku sacrifice. Kimahri can now impress Tidus. Kimahri and Tidus for life." He said in his scary monotone voice. Rikku looked at him. "Oh my Gawd! Kimahri, you're g--" Kimahri covered her mouth. "Fall silent." He said. Rikku giggled. "Oh my God, Kimahri, I can't believe you love the c--" Kimahri punched Rikku in the head, knocking her out cold.
Wakka stood behind Kimahri. Kimahri looked back as Wakka slowly shook his head in dissaproval. Kimahri then looked away.
Tidus sat bored on the ground outside, looking up. He'd just dismissed Kimahri, who watched from afar. Tidus looked at Kimahri and Kimahri winked at him. Tidus rolled his eyes and looked away, shaking his head slightly. Sitting here was excruciatingly boring. They were now camping in the Macalania Woods. Wakka was talking to Yuna. Kimahri (now) sat with Rikku, the two writing something down on papers, crumbling them up, erasing. Auron stood against a tree and Lulu was sitting on the ground covering her head. Tidus hung his head before looking up into the tree above him after hearing some rustling. A woman dressed like a Ninja lingered up there, obviously watching him. "Hey!" He stood up, still looking up until the ninja-chick darted off of the tree and toward the Thunder Plains.
"Who was that?" Rikku said, looking up. Tidus shook his head. "Don't know." but curiousity got the best of him. "Um, I`m gonna go find that person-- I`ll be back soon."With that he stood and ran off toward the Thunder Plains.
Tidus arrived, looking out on the Thunder Plains. But one thing he forgot was the lightning that could hit him. Almost on queue there was a bright flash, and it hit. Tidus jumped back, narrowly being hit. "Whoa!" He started running, and took shelter under one of the lightning absorbers. He looked around and didn't see the woman. "Oh look..." He said, walking toward a big rock. " A cactuar sto--"FUCK!!!!" Lightning hit him, causing him to fly back. He sat up brushing himself off. "God damn it!" He said. He stood up and saw the woman atop one of the absorbers. "you!" he cried, before she darted off, hopping from one to another. Tidus began to chase, before again being hit. "SHIT!" He screamed. "GOD DAMN FUCKIN' THUNDER PLAINS! I HATE YOU!!!" As soon as he finished he was again hit. "FAAAAHHK!" He screamed. That was it, he was going back. He was running like hell back toward the woods, getting struck again. "AAHH!!" He screamed loudly. As he entered the woods he screamed, "FUCK YOU, THUNDER PLAINS!!" Before a HUGE bolt of lightning, bigger than any other hit Tidus. Tidus fell over, blackened here and there, sizzling. He crawled toward the woods in pain.
Wakka was talking to Yuna, still. "Well, actually, I like baking cookies. It's fun." He started. "Plus, you get to..." A loud groan of pain. "Waaaaaaaaaaaaghh...." Wakka looked over and saw Tidus crawling toward them, sizzling and blackened in all different spots on his body. "Uuuugh...." He groaned. Wakka and Yuna jumped up, as well as Rikku. They all ran over and knelt down to Tidus. "Oh my gosh, are you okay!?" Rikku cried. "Man! What happened to ya!" Wakka said. Tidus rolled over on his back. "fuck.... thunder... plains..." he said before passing out.
When Tidus woke up Kimahri sat at his side, stroking his hair. "Tidus it will be okay." He said in a quick monotone voice. "OH MY GOD! GET OFF OF ME!!!" Tidus screamed. Kimahri jumped back and walked off, giggling. Tidus groaned in pain, looking around. "Where am I...." he said meekly. "Oh! Tidus you're awake!" Yuna cried joyfully. Tidus shook his head. "Paaaaiiinn. Where am I..." "We're in the Thunder Plains." Auron stated. Tidus started screaming. "NOO!! GET ME THE HELL OUT OF THIS GOD FORSAKEN PLACE!! AHGG!!!!" "Relax!" Wakka said. "We're at the inn. You're safe here." "Oh God THANK YOU..." Tidus said, relieved. "We're leaving soon." Tidus screamed again. "I DONT WANT TO GO OUT THERE!!"
Kimahri and Rikku stood together, Wakka sitting on the ground. No one else was around. "Okay Kimahri. For Tidus!" Kimahri said in his frightening, deep monotone voice: "Fashizzle my nizzle." Rikku backed off. "Ready? Set.... Go!" Kimahri jumped up and down. "Yo" A record scratched, and again without emotion: "yo." Rikku winced at the camera, with one gold tooth, sunglasses, and a sideways visor as she spinned the discs. He grabbed his crotch and spun around. "yo yo yo." The beat stopped and some record scratching was heard before it ended. Rikku leaped out and grabbed Kimahri by the arm. "Kimahri you were GREAT!!" Wakka sat there with his arms crossed and looked at the two, who looked at him. "You spent three days coming up with THAT, ya?" He said, unimpressed. Rikku and Kimahri became straight faced... well.. not Kimahri. He was always straight-faced. Rikku looked angry. "Screw you Wakka! If you don't appreciate our work then screw you!" She yelled at him angrily. Wakka laughed, before Rikku took out a grenade. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!! ya?" Wakka screamed (except for the ya), running off into the woods. Rikku looked at Kimahri and laughed. "We'll show him. Come! Let's go show Auron!" She tugged him by the arm and they walked off to where Auron was standing, at the camp yards away. "Hey Auron!" Rikku cried excitedly, leaping in front of him. Auron stared. "What?" He said. "Wanna see Kimahri's dance routine? It's to impress Tidus." Auron stared at her for a second or two. "No." he said. "Alright! Great!" Rikku cried, running over to the boombox and starting it. Again, Kimahri did the dance. When it was over Rikku ran up to Kimahri's side. "So whatdja think, Auron? Wasnt it GREAT!?" Auron stared at her for a moment or two. "No." He began to walk away from them. Rikku looked at Kimahri. "Kimahri, don't look so discouraged!" Kimahri looked at her, with the SAME expression he ALWAYS has on. Rikku sighed. "I guess we'll need help. But... who can help us make a rap?" Kimahri shrugged silently. Rikku gasped. "Oh my Gosh! I know EXACTLY WHO. Come!" They ran.
(Corny, stupid, silly music plays, nothing else heard.) Rikku is next to Kimahri, talking to Isaaru. He shakes his head. Rikku looks angry, and then storms away.
Kimahri and Rikku are at Guadosalam, at the door of Seymour's mansion. They knock, and Seymour comes out in underwear. There are tons of photographers in his mansion. Rikku and Kimahri look at eachother before bursting into a fit of laughter, stumbling away. Seymour yells something, and then slams the doors shut.
Rikku and Kimahri stand before Rin. Rikku smiles, knowing Rin cause he's an Al Bhed, like her. Unfortunately, he shakes his head and then offers them a bean worth 50,000,000 gil. The music fades. "I`ll take it!" Rikku handed him a HUGE bag of gil. "So what does it do?" "Just rub it while making a wish. And it will hatch, containing something to solve your problems." Rikku jumped up and down. "You're great Rin! COME ON!!" Kimahri and Rikku ran out the door and back to the Macalania Woods.
They sat by the lake, everyone else at the camp. "Alright.... here we go...." Rikku closed her eyes and rubbed the big kidney bean. "We need help making rap!" She opened her eyes and stepped back. "Nothing is happening..." she said, before it burst into blinding light. Kimahri and Rikku shielded their eyes as a figure emerged from the bean. Kinoc burst out and flew in mid air before gracefully landing. He stood silent, looking down. Rikku and Kimahri watched, Rikku leaning forward in anticipation. Kinoc slowly pulled a pair of sunglasses out of his pockets, before, in one motion, flipping them on and spinning in a circle. "YO YO YO! KINOC'S HERE! And now that I`ve got my mad phat hair--" "YOOOOUU!!! YOU DISGUSTING, GREASY PIG!!!" Everyone turned to Lulu, who was marching toward Kinoc with fire in her eyes. "Yo! why you be so grimey Lulu?" She looked VERY serious, and very angry. Kinoc gasped, before gulping. "I-- I-- UMM... I... you see... I DIDN'T MEAN TO! Sin did it!" He cried. Lulu didn't even flinch.
(the screen went black then, screams of agony, cursing, screams of terror, things smashing, things burning and thunder hitting, along with more gruesome sound effects.)
The screen faded in, showing a pile of Ash with Kinoc's beanie on top on the floor. Lulu fixed her hair, smiling before kicking the ash, which flew away with a gust of wind. Kimahri and Rikku looked at eachother.
A small envelope flew around Tidus, circling him before landing in his hands. He opened it. It was an invitation to Seymour's Mansion in Guadosalam. He and Wakka were both invited to a walk-off. "What the hell? Walk-off?" Tidus said, walking over to Wakka and showing him. "Hah! Dat Seymour thinks he's so great." Wakka laughed, sitting back. Tidus sighed and crumbled up the envelope, tossing it aside. A box fell from the sky and hit Tidus in the crotch. "GAAHHH!!!" He held his crotch and fell to his side, screaming in pain. Wakka opened it. Another envelope was inside. "Haha! Gotcha! Hey Wakka, you think your so cool, ya?" Wakka gasped. "HE MOCKED MY YA!! ya?" He continued reading, Tidus slowly lifting himself to read it with his hands on his crotch. "So Wakka, I`m challenging YOU specifically. Be there, or be square. And bring your BOYFRIEND Tidus with you. HOMO!" Wakka screamed, infuriated. "From, Seymour." It finished, with a small heart. "PS: It'll be at my mansion. Bring your best moves, or I`ll make grooves all over your FACE! HAHAHAHAH!" Wakka jumped up. "THAT'S IT!! Tidus! We're going to Seymour's! NOW!!" He grabbed Tidus by the arm the dragged them. "Why?" "Me and Seymour have a score to settle, ya." "LIKEICARE." Tidus yelled, before being slapped.
As they walked down the path to Guadosalam, a really big box fell out of the sky, hitting Tidus in the head. "OWWWW!!" He screamed, grabbing the back of his head and collapsing. Wakka opened the box. "It must be from dat idiot, Seymour." An envelope was inside, Wakka read it out loud: "Hey Wakka, don't forget to bring your best lingerie. I`ll beat you anyway, so WHUT-EVA." Wakka looked up, throwing the envelope down as Tidus stood up.
O'aka was approaching. "O'akas the name. Illegally selling lingerie and cocaine is my game." He stopped in front of them, setting down his big green bag. "Hey man, I need some help, I need your best lingerie." Wakka said. "Can do, can do. Here, we have the Super Duper Sexy M.O.N.K.E.Y. thong." "What's the MONKEY stand for?" "I don't know. I just don't know." He said firmly. He pulled it out. There was a plastic monkey face attatched to a red lacey thong with bananas hanging off the sides, and a tail in the back hanging almost to the floor. "I`ll take it!!" Wakka screamed, handing over the money. Tidus looked at Wakka. "Oh my Gosh, Wakka. You're SICK." He said seriously.
When the two of them arrived, Seymour awaited them inside. "Greetings, Wakka and Tidus." He said with a grin on his face, standing with his arms crossed in the center of a catwalk. "YOU!" Wakka yelled, in his new outfit, storming to the stage. There was an audience of celebrities, and photographers; as well as reporters. Seymour gracefully hopped off the stage, landing in front of Wakka. His groupies (AKA Tromell, Mika, and a few random midgets and toothless homeless people) stood behind him. Tidus, Rikku, Lulu, Auron, Kimahri, and Yuna stood behind Wakka. "Then..." Seymour threw his arms in the air. "LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!" He disappeared in a poof of smoke.
"Hit it, Eminem!" Seymour cried. Eminem stood up in a DJ booth, as Seymour strutted out from backstage-- the entrance being a huge picture of Seymour laughing. The doorway was his mouth. He began to strut his stuff. "I HATE MY LIFE! I HATE MY DOG! I HATE MY MOM! I HATE STANDARDIZED TESTING! I HATE TROMELL! I HA--" "STOP!!!" Seymour screamed, outraged. "What is this GARBAGE?!" He cried. "Can't you do any better, Eminem!?" He yelled. The music began again, and Seymour continued. "I HATE SEYMOUR! I HATE YOU ALL!!" He screamed, as he began to break stuff. "WHAT IS THIS GARBAGE!!!!!!! I SAY!!" Seymour screamed. "Guards!!" Guados began to restrain the retarded wigger, before taking him down from the booth and bringing him out of the mansion.
Wakka laughed at Seymour. "Haha! Oh Yevon, are you stupid!" Seymour's eyes widened. "..STUPID...? GUARDS!!!! KILL THEM!!" A wave of countless guards ran at them. "LET'S MAKE LIKE BANANA AND SPLIT." Kimahri said loudly. Everyone burst into laughter, before running. "To the Farplanes!" Yuna cried. They ran like hell up the grassy ramp, nearing the entrance to the Farplanes. "Matrix!" A deep echoey voice screamed. Everyone looked around before leaping, finding themselves moving in slow motion with a fading image of themselves behind them. "What the..." They all jumped, screaming in slow motion. Lulu began to run across the heads of the guards, her heels smashing into their skulls. Also in slow motion, they collapsed.
Suddenly, a huge green hand with humongous nails erupted from the crowd and grabbed Lulu by the ankle. She screamed, flailing her arms as she was yanked into the crowd. Everything went into fast motion again, and since nobody on the cast had noticed her, they kept running. Tidus was the first to notice. "Where did Lulu go!?" Everyone stopped, at the staircase to the Farplanes. There was an eruption of lightning outside, before Lulu staggered in. She collapsed on the stairs, and Yuna ran to herlp her. "Are you alright!?" "Yes..." Lulu coughed. Suddenly, a new wave of guards poured in.
"Damn!" Wakka screamed. "Let's be going!" Auron said, sounding irritated. They ran, and leaped through the barrier that would lead them into the Farplanes.
Tidus awoke, lying on a grassy field. "...?" He slowly sat up, seeing Wakka standing along and looking around, confused, as he was. Lulu and Kimahri, as well as Rikku were approaching. Auron stood alone, and Yuna was talking to her parents.
"Are you Chappu?" Both Wakka and Lulu gasped in horror and surprise, as the ghost of Wakka's brother stood before them. "Ya!" He jumped to Wakka. "What's crackalackin Chappu!??!" Wakka shouted, grabbing him by the shoulder excitedly. "Nothing! Check it out! It's Lulu!" Lulu stood in silence, looking down. "You been cheating on me?" He turned to Wakka and shoved him. "Keep your hands off my bitch, ya!" He shouted angrily. Wakka put his hands out. "Whoa brotha! I ain't doin' nothin' with Lu! And you guys broke up anyway!"
Chappu looked back and forth before turning around. Wakka turned with him, so their backs were facing the group. Chappu slung an arm around Wakka's neck. "She has a nice rack, ya?" "...!" Wakka didn't want to respond. So, his brother nudged him. "Admit it!" Wakka giggled. "Well... ya... I guess so! Ya!?" They both burst into hysterical laughter.
Everyone watched, confused. Lulu stood in silence, with her head bowed, not sure what to say. "Ah!" Wakka cried, grabbing Tidus by the arm. "Hey! He looks just like you, Chappu!" Tidus was torn over, and looked at Chappu in silence. They both looked at eachother critically. "We don't look nuttin alike!" "Yeah! Why do you always say that!?" Tidus said. Chappu basically looked a lot like a younger Wakka. Absolutely NOTHING like Tidus.
"There's so many babes in here, da Farplanes!" Chappu cried, before looking at Lulu wide-eyed, who looked at him wide eyed. "What.. did you... SAY!!!?" Lulu said, pissed. "Oh no!" Chappu cried, hiding behind Wakka. "I didn't mean it! Well, I mean, I still love you, and... I DIDN'T MEAN IT MAN!" Chappu cried. Lulu looked extremely pissed off. "FIRST I get my HEAD SHAVED and I have to WALK AROUND WITH A RAINBOW AFRO ON! After finally getting my hair back from a fat psycho priest, I`m forced to go to this CRAZY walk-off!" Chappu stepped back and looked at Wakka. "What the hell you wearin', bro!?" he said. Wakka covered himself up. "Ahh... ah... do-- don't ask." Lulu continued. "THEN we have to run! THEN! I get caught by guards!! Then I almost kill myself trying to get away! AND NOW THIS!!!" She screamed. "DOES ANYONE CARE!!! DOES ANYONE CARE ABOUT LULU?!?!!!!" She screamed up dramatically to the sky, falling to the ground and reaching up.
Tidus, Wakka, and Chappu all watched, wide-eyed. Yuna was talking to her father yards and yards away. Auron stood beneath a tree, and Kimahri monitored Yuna. Rikku was talking to everyone who had died when her home was attacked, especially her brother.
Tidus paced around, alone. He looked down, before hearing a voice with a British accent. "Hey there!" "Huh?" He looked up and screamed in horror, to see all of the twenty two O'aka's (the O'aka in the game is O'aka the 23rd) in a line, all completely identical with green bags slung over their shoulders. "Oaka's the name!" They all said at the same time. Tidus stumbled back, absolutely horrified beyond his wits. All of a sudden, they began surrounding Tidus. Tidus looked around, scared. "Buy stuff..." "Buy stuff..." They all chanted at different times. They also chanted at different times (as in not in synch), "Care to spare any change?" Tidus screamed and burst through the crowd of O'aka's, running toward Auron. "Auron! You won't believe what's happening!" "Uh?" Auron looked up, pushing his sunglasses down his nose, to see all of the O'aka's approaching, saying different things. "....Holy shit." He said, pushing his sunglasses up. "Just ignore them. They'll go away." He said. "Make no sudden movements..." Tidus and Auron didn't move at all. The O'aka's began to walk away in a crowd, before an apple fell out of the tree above them, hitting Tidus on the head. "YOWCH!!" Tidus screamed, jumping up a bit and grabbing his head as the 20 lb apple (don't ask... o.o;) rolled to the ground. All of a sudden the O'aka's turned around and began coming at Tidus and Auron. "Buy stuff..." "Care to spare any change?" "O'aka's the name..." they said over and over again at different times. Auron stood seriously, staring. "I hate this place." He said, before the "Hurry!" music started playing (it's the song that plays in the beginning of the game after Sin attacks Zanarkand and Tidus and Auron are running and fighting the Sin Spawns), Tidus and Auron running. They ran by Kimahri who began to be surrounded by the O'aka's, who were cloning themselves with their.. evil O'aka powers. More and more O'aka's leaped out of their green bags, until there were hundreds. Kimahri started running with them. Then Rikku, then Wakka, then Chappu, then Lulu.
Yuna looked over and gasped. "Mother, father, forgive me but I must go!" she cried, running with them from the continuously multiplying O'aka's, who said the same phrases over and over again as they gave chase. Lord Braska and his wife screamed. "It's those O'aka's again!!" They too began to run. All of the Al Bhed who perished when the city was attacked also ran like hell. The O'aka's were unstoppably multiplying and running after everyone by the thousands.. the number quickly going up.
"They went this way!" Seymour screamed, still in his CK underwear. He had five guards behind him and Tromell at his side. He saw smoke rising in the horizon-- which was in fact dust being kicked up from the running people. "There they are!" He put a hand out as to signal them to stop, the other hand on his waist. "Stop right ther-- huh?" "O'aka's the--" "Care to spare cha--" "Oaka--" "Buy stuff--" Seymour screamed in horror. "Run!!!" He cried. His guards, Tromell, and him all ran from the O'aka's with everyone.
"You FREAK! What are you doing here!" Tidus screamed as he ran beside Seymour. "Buzz off, you little playboy!" Wakka ran up at Seymour's side, glaring at him. Seymour glared at him too. "I see you're still in your walk-off outfit!" "I see you are, too." Wakka shot back. They narrowed their eyes at eachother before looking forward and continuing to flee from the countless O'aka's.
"What do we do!? There's a wall up ahead!" Rikku cried out. "We'll make a turn!" Tidus replied. "But dere's too many O'aka's!" Wakka yelled. "I think we'll just have to fight them!" Yuna said. There was a long silence before Lulu spoke. "Yuna's right." "It's the only way to get rid of them." Auron replied.
"But we can't kill them! They're already dead!" Seymour yelled. "SHADDAP YOU VEINY FREAK!" Wakka screamed at Seymour. Chappu, the Al Bhed, and Yuna's parents looked around. "Hey! We're dead too! Then that means..." Lord Braska started, "We can easily escape!" Chappu yelled. "Sorry bro!" He said, before he, the Al Bhed, and Yuna's parents all disappeared in poofs of rainbowy smoke.
"By Yevon's name, those unworthy bastards!" Lulu cried out in vain. They were about to approach the wall. "It's up to us!" Tidus yelled, before stopping and turning to the million O'aka's, everyone else (including Seymour and his Guados) stopping short and turning, in battle stance.
There were sounds of struggling and things hitting, people screaming and potions being used as a digital counter appeared on the screen. Slowly, the number (5,000,900) of O'aka's began to decrease, sometimes shooting up as they multiplied. Eventually, it reached zero.
"But I thought they'd be undefeatable 'cause they're already dead." Rikku said. Yuna shook her head. "They're only temporarily gone. But not for long, so we have to find a way out of here." She replied to Rikku. "Yuna, you should know how to get out...?" Tidus said. She nodded. "There's a station that will send us to Mount Gagazet. So... just follow me!" She began to run, and the large group ran after her. "There it is! Up ahead!" There was a small house, infested with O'aka's. "Damn!" Auron said. "They're already back." Lulu sighed.
The O'aka's turned to the group and began to approach them. "I know! I`ll call upon my Mother and Father! They'll get us out!"
There was a long silence before Yuna screamed: "DDDDDDDDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDD!!!!!!" Everyone stumbled back, covering their ears as the ground cracked and cliffs crumbled. Lord Braska appeared in front of them. "Yez?" "Can you get us outta here?" Yuna asked politely. "Sure! But I don't know where you'll end up!" He said. Before teleporting them. "Wai--!" Yuna screamed, being cut off.
Everyone fell out of the sky and landed on the S.S. Winno. "The ship! Of ship-ness! When I first turned up in Spira!" Tidus said. "Dats right. The S.S. Winno. 'Scuse me, while I go change my clothes." Wakka replied, before walking away. Thinking of Zanarkand, Tidus got depressed. He walked over to the end of the boat, standing on the edge and looking out into the vast ocean. "I wish I could fly home..." He sighed.
"Ya. I`d like to, too... (sigh)" Wakka said. Tidus swung around. "WAKKA!" Wakka burst into laughter, but Tidus got very serious. "Nobody believes me.." He sighed as he looked out into the ocean again. Tidus put his arms out to the sides as Wakka held him by the waist, "My Heart Will Go On" fading in. Tidus screamed in disbelief and disgust, swatting Wakka's hands off of his waist as the song stopped short with the scratch of a record. He leaped down. "Ew! I though you really weren't gay, Wakka!" He said. "Well.. I`m not. I just kind of got into the moment." He explained. Tidus walked away and sat on the other end of the boat.
"Excuse me, but where's this boat heading?" Yuna asked a crewmember. "Nowhere in particular as of now!" Yuna stared, and blinked twice. "But that... doesn't make sense."
Seymour walked around in his underwear, inside the S.S. Winno. "What's this?" He looked up and saw a sign: "Engine Room". "Ahh..." He slowly pushed the door open. The room was very dim... VERY dim. All of a sudden, someone pushed him in and locked the door. Seymour began to scream, slamming on the door. "Tromell! TROMELL!! GUADOS!"
Tromell and the Guados were slowly surrounded by countless O'aka's, cornered in the Farplanes.
He felt around for the lights. When he turned them on, he was horrified to see chocobos behind him running on wheels. "AHH! WHAT IS THIS!? CHOCOBOS? TROMELL! TROMMMEEELLL!!!!!"
Kinoc walked out onto the deck of the S.S. Winno. Yuna looked back over her shoulder before swinging around. Everyone else did so. "You!" Lulu cried, "I thought I killed you!" Kinoc crossed his arms and put on his sunglasses. "Didn't send me! WHORE!" Lulu gasped, offended and angry. "...Oh, Yuna. Just get rid of him while you still can." "Gladly." "NOOO!!" Kinoc cried, as Yuna began to send him. "YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!" His body began to fade as pyreflies surrounded him. He tried to run away, but couldn't!
"Well you'll never see Seymour again!" Kinoc laughed madly. There was a long silence, before Tidus said: "So?" And with that, Kinoc disappeared.
Suddenly, a few extremely short 2-d horribly designed people walked out, kinda screwed up, in front of Tidus, Wakka, Yuna, Lulu, Kimahri, and Rikku. A box popped up, the text reading: "Hey you!" Tidus looked down at the text box at his waist and read it. He looked up. "Um... yeah?" Another box popped up. "Who do you think you are, chump!?" It read. Tidus looked at the box, and then down on the horribly designed 2-d blocky characters. "Chump? What did I do?" Another box popped up. "Not what you did! What you all did!" It read. "What we all did!?" Tidus responded to the knee-tall people. Another box popped up at Tidus' waist. "You all think you're so good! With your voices, and your looks, and your amazing 3-d design!" The group again read the box.
"Naturally!" Rikku responded. One of the blocky digital characters walked up to Rikku like he had a wedgie, and kicked her in the knee. "OW! You little ugly digital elves! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!?" She cried out, holding her knee. A box popped up at her waist. "Who we are!? Has everyone forgotten ALREADY? WE ARE THE ORIGINALS YOU BITCHES!!!" Everyone again read the boxes at their waists. "Originals?" Tidus asked. Another box shot up and hit Tidus in the balls. He shrieked and fell over, twitching on the ground. "We are the originals! Final Fantasy 1 you whores! Don't you forget that! WE'RE THE KINGS AND QUEENS! If it weren't for us, YOU WOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN CREATED!"
Tidus crossed his arms, sighing. "Is that all?" Another box popped up at Tidus
waist. "Yes." "Great. Thanks." And with that, the FF1 characters walked away. Tidus looked at Wakka and snickered.
"Help! Help!" A woman cried, as she ran out from the back deck. "There is a veiny man in underwear molesting the chocobos!"
Everyone looked at eachother, before running toward the engine room.
Tidus was the first to burst in.. only to find Seymour, covered in yellow feathers and paint. "I have become one with the chocobos." Was all he said. He began to slowly spin around, slowly flapping his feathery arms. "Squak.... squak...." "Seymour is truly at the end of his wits." Yuna stated. "Been at the end of his wits, Yuna." Lulu responded.