A/N: A sort of continuation or answer to my other one-shot fic: UNFETTERED THOUGHTS, where Tsukushi voices out her thoughts. This takes place about four years after they have graduated. Kindly READ and REVIEW! Thanks!

What do you do when you finally realize you love someone, just when she's gone?

LOVING TOO LATE

By Toinks '03

I breathed in the familiar warm winds of my childhood. I could feel the wind ruffling my hair, the ends dancing carelessly. As I stepped out from the confinement of the airplane, I craned my neck to get rid of the cricks from the day-long flight. I drank in my surroundings with pleasure. Has it been this long since I was gone? Years have gone by and yet this feeling of belonging remained. Straightening my starched white polo, I smiled to myself as I descended the steps.

I'm home.

Barely two months after graduation, my grandfather sent me to America to handle the details of contracts and meet with several corporations with regards to our foundation. It was a hasty departure, but I left with a promise to return.

And that promise, I intend to keep.

There is only one reason why I came back even after four whole years, even after establishing a life in another country. The image of a petite brown-eyed girl floated in my head.

Yes, I returned for you.

I sat in the back of the car with thoughts running in my head. I wonder if you've changed, if you're any different from the girl that stole my heart. Are you less of the girl I knew back then and more of a woman now? Is the fire in your eyes still fiercely blazing or are they now subdued flames? Would you have kept your innocence or will the years have taught you more than I know?

What would I give to see you again?

Anything. And everything.

Soon, I found myself standing in front of Eitoku University. I was right back where it all began.

As I walked down the corridor leading to that too-familiar place, my steps echoed down the empty hallways. And like phantoms of the past, memories washed me as though the pages of life reversed to years back and the corridors were filled with the laughter and mindless chatter of rich students once again.

We ruled the school. Yes, we were the infamous and legendary F4. I, Soujiro, Akira and Tsukasa, the unbreakable group of childhood friends. No one dared to go against us for fear of a beating, expulsion, or even worse. How easy and carefree life was then. All I had to do was raise an eyebrow or show some kind of an expression and all those petty little irritations would flee even faster than I could say, "Shoo."

The girls stared, squealed, fawned at us and would have kissed the ground we walked on. The boys all wanted our approval, followed our every order, listened to every word we said. The teachers leapt at every opportunity to praise us, gave us glowing remarks and tolerated all our vicious habits.

And then you came, and everything changed.

Would you still remember that first encounter? The first time I saw you in the stairwell, you surprised me…and that was something, because nothing ever surprises me at all. You were annoyingly loud, disturbing me in that secret sanctuary of mine. But somehow, you struck me as different, like you had this special aura about you and an unmistakable penchant for trouble.

I couldn't get you out of my head for days, like an irritating song that kept playing its lyrics over and over again. Maybe it was because you were the only one who took the challenge and pointed out what no one dared say out loud before? Or maybe, I already felt the beginnings of my feelings for you.

I laugh at the thought of how petty, bothersome, obnoxious, conceited and capitally STUPID we were. Yes, you were absolutely right. We were all good-for-nothing parasitic idiots! How wrong we were in our thinking that we own the world. We were drowning in our own selfish desires, trying to escape through worldly means, jumping from one temporary "high" to another and in the process, dying little by little. You were the one who woke us to our senses, and for that, we are all forever grateful.

I paused as my hand touched the coldness of the door leading to our place. It still feels like not a day has passed. How I wish that I could go back to that time and change everything. I pulled the door and a light breeze passed me. I could feel my pulse quickening as my every step took me closer to where we met.

I could almost see you sitting there in deep thought once again. There you are, with that look of deep thought on your face, the breeze blowing through your hair, the sun warming your cheeks… Beautiful. It never ceases to amaze me how beautiful you are inside and out. Ah, you almost seemed real that I had to smile, like you were waiting for me once more, ready to disrupt my nap with your petulance and non-stop lectures. But somehow, that impression of you was different.

Then the vision of you turned around.

Is it you? I blinked repeatedly, raising my eyebrows. Tsu--

Your face broke into a wide smile as you ran and wrapped your arms around me. I can't believe it. My heart suddenly seemed to have been stuck in my throat. My palms suddenly felt clammy. And my expressionless mask failed me once again as I smiled and returned your embrace. I closed my eyes, breathing in the scent of your hair, the feeling of your embrace, the touch of your skin on my chest.

Tsukushi…I missed you.

Words spilled out before I could stop them. You were the only one who could make me say such things, to reveal my clogged emotions, to make me feel alive once more. It's as if your presence gives me the freedom to be who I am-not who I was nor who I want to be. I never want to let go. I want us to stay this way, frozen in this time and space.

Just you and me. Together…I hope…forever.

You looked up to my face with so much warmth and affection that I could feel all the years of accumulated stress slowly melting away. We stared at each other, just watching and studying the differences that years of change had done. You looked more mature; the features were a little more defined and yet still retained that kind softness around your face. I guess I looked different too. I had a light moustache to make me look less like a naïve teenage boy and I have more confidence in my stance now. We just stood there, just looking, staring, memorizing for I don't know how long.

We didn't need words. Silence has always been enough for both of us. It is in this companionable silence that I found comfort the most. You were the only one I could share this with and not feel awkward or strange. I almost felt like a carefree brat once again. The repressed feelings resurfaced from the depths of my heart where I pushed them so long ago. I felt the joyous release like I was being liberated from the chains of duty that held me back, chains of being an heir, a musician, and a loyal childhood friend.

As you smiled and lightly touched my face with your hand, I faltered once again, carried away by the joy emanating from your eyes. They were like magnets, forces that lifted my soul closer to yours. I almost bent my head and kissed you. But suddenly, something caught my eye and I forced myself to stop. I took a second look at your hand…and I was not mistaken. There it was, a sparkling diamond set in the center of an intricate gold band.

No…

Rui, Tsukasa just proposed to me last night. I want you to be the first person to know and I knew that you would come here first before anywhere else!

I think my heart stopped beating. My thoughts and emotions tumbled onto each other in a chaotic mess. It can't be, it just can't be. You seem to know me so well and yet…

Look at what he gave me, it must be terribly expensive and I didn't want to accept, but you know Tsukasa, he wanted nothing but the biggest and the best. Tsukushi had that look of wanting to reprimand someone, but it was different now. There was a touch of fondness and understanding in her voice, in her face.

He just refused to take it back to the store, saying he's had this made especially for me. Isn't it beautiful?

She twirled the ring on her fingers. The colors played and danced on the crystal clear stone as sunlight passed through it. The twinkling on the diamond was blinding, but so much more was the twinkle in her eyes. I was astonished by the light I was seeing through her eyes. There was nothing holding her back anymore. For the first time, I saw her truly happy.

I forced out a smile. The most genuine that I could muster, but somehow the smile didn't quite reach my eyes.

She smiled and hugged me again. I guess she was too happy to notice the dullness conquering that glint of happiness in my eyes. I realized her veneer has changed, because she no longer carried the burden on her own. She now has someone to lean on, to fully trust with her heart knowing that he would give everything to keep her safe. She has learned to let others take care of her at last.

She is happy, I told myself. That is what I want, right? Yes, I decided. This is exactly what I want.

I'm happy for you.

I could almost hear my heart shatter to pieces as I uttered those words. I almost wanted to take them back, tell her that I would be happier if she chose me. Had she noticed the quiver in my voice? She squeezed her arms even tighter around me, still smiling, still happy to have told me this news. After all, she just shared this experience with her soulmate.

I'm really happy for you.

I repeated those words, meaning them this time. Hard as it is to accept, I guess I am happy. I'm happy as long as she's happy. Isn't that what love is? To love is to be willing to offer and sacrifice everything for the one you love, without a moment of hesitation. Yes, everything, even your own happiness.

I looked at her face and she was beaming, as though a light was shining from beneath her skin. I could only smile at that look I know so well. You are in love beyond the shadow of a doubt.

You led me by the hand as we went to the rooftop and sat on the ledge, waiting for the sun to set as we used to do back then. You used to sit with your head on my shoulder, allowing the breathtaking sight to dissolve all your worries, so that in that brief moment, you felt completely at peace. It was that time of day that I looked forward to every single day. Just you and me, communicating in silence. The sunsets in Eitoku had always been ours.

It seems just like yesterday, isn't it?

The sun's strong yellow-orange colored rays weakened as it prepared for its dusky descent. The traces of light displayed across the horizon changed to hues of pink, purple and red. Slowly, the sun sank as its rays faded away and darkness overcame the skies. The light had succumbed. The sun had let go.

Yes, I figured, it is time for letting go.

It will not be easy. No, letting go is never easy. And perhaps, I will never truly learn to let go of "us." All I have are just the memories of the past, pages of memories I can only remember but never return to. There, where they can not be tampered with nor erased, is where I'll keep the memories we have.

How true is the saying, "Regrets come in the end."

I realized too late.

Speaking in barely a whisper, the wind carried my pain away. My hand grazed my cheek as soon as a tear fell from my eye. It is no use to cry now. I have loved and lost. But I lost to somebody better, my best friend who would give up the world in exchange for you. Tsukasa is a lucky guy to have you. I know, because even for just a few short-lived moments, you were mine. You never denied me the pleasure and comfort of a true friend. And I realize that that has been more than enough for me.

I can honestly say that I am glad you two ended up together. I know he will take care of you for the rest of your life. Tsukasa loves you that much, even so much more than he loves himself. And I know how much you love him too. Fate and other circumstances had tried to pry you two apart, but no matter what obstructions hindered your way, you went over, under and through it together. Nothing could've stood in true love's way. Perhaps, fate had been cruel to me. But I'm happy that she was kinder to you. You and Tsukasa deserve all the happiness in this world.

If you must leave me, I will not hinder thee… For loving means giving, I'm setting you free.

As I recited those poetic lines, you slowly closed your eyes, letting a mixed tear of joy and pain slide down your face and fall on your lips, mouthing 'Thank you.'

You placed your head on the familiar nook between my neck and shoulder, comforting me. I looked up to see the stars come out one by one, finding their places in the sky, twinkling jovially, ceaselessly, throughout the night. And as you sigh happily, I make a silent vow with the moon, the stars and the heavens as my witnesses.

I will still be here for you, Tsukushi…

Even if just as a shadow behind the man you truly love.

.

A/N: Comments, corrections and suggestions are all welcome. Please read and review my other fics too. Thank you!