Title: Keepsake
Author: Diva Stardust
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Five graves in five years. Spike and Dawn spend a lot of time in the cemetery together. Sometimes that's how friendships are formed.
Distribution: Just ask first if you want to archive this somewhere, please. I will most likely say yes!
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, etc. I'm not making any money off of this.
Acknowledgements: Thanks to Spikeyvamp for the beta!
~*~*~*~*~
Spring 2001
Somehow lately she was always able to tell when he was behind her. Could sense the way he stood behind her, watching over her. Could hear the leather of his coat moving slightly from the breeze of the night air. Could hear the click of his lighter as he lit one of his many required cigarettes for the evening.
"Hi, Spike," she said without looking behind her.
He moved in front of her by the side of the tombstone. "Getting quick, nibblet. You didn't even look behind you that time."
She gave him a teasing grin. "Why would I have to do that? You're so obvious. I could smell your stinky cigarette a mile away."
He scoffed at her. "You'll probably want to try one some day."
"No I won't. I've seen the commercials about what they do to you. All that gross stuff it does to your lungs. So, yellow teeth and black lungs? No thanks."
He raised a doubtful eyebrow but she ignored him and went back to looking at her mother's grave. She remembered the last time she'd been there and looked up at him.
"Did you know that--?"
"You didn't mojo your mum back? Yeah, figured as much when I didn't hear anyone shouting and carrying on about someone coming back from the great beyond."
He looked at her seriously for a moment. "'S probably for the best, little bit. I helped you because I didn't want you getting hurt but I never thought it was a good idea. Not right to mess around with magic like that and bring people back. There's always a price."
She nodded. "I know. I didn't figure that out though until the very last minute. It would've been awful if mom would've come back and it wouldn't have been really her, you know? If there would've been something wrong or different about her."
He was silent and she concentrated on his boots in front of her. She had an urge to ask him how long he'd had them and if he ever took them off but decided against it. It seemed like a question Anya would ask and people were always giving her *looks* when she'd ask questions like that.
Looking back up to his eyes she remembered something else. It had only been a few days since he'd been tortured by Glory and the bruises were still all over his face. She didn't want to say anything, she felt guilty like it was all her fault but she willed herself to keep that all inside. Couldn't act like a little cry-baby in front of him. She remembered when Buffy had come back from the whole Buffybot fiasco with a look on her face she'd never seen before. Told her all about how Spike had protected her from that bitch Glory and hadn't told her she was the Key. She used to have a crush on Spike but that ended when she found out he went crazy for a little bit and chained Buffy up. Now she knew what Spike was to her. Her hero. She couldn't help it and beamed at him, giving him a bright smile.
He gave her a puzzled look. "Something funny, nibblet?"
She tried to cover. "I just remembered a joke a friend told me at school. Want to hear it?"
He rolled his eyes. "No thanks, platelet. Can just imagine the kind of jokes your mates at school tell. Probably involve some bloody chickens crossing the road."
Dawn became huffy. "They do not! Hello, I'm in 8th grade, remember? We've outgrown the chicken crossing the road jokes. We tell much more sophisticated jokes than that."
She could see his eyes twinkling in the darkness at her. "Oh, really? Sophisticated, you say? What fun is that, then?"
She wanted to punch him in the arm but settled for punching him lightly in the leg since she was sitting down. Looking up at the stars she started to get thoughtful again. Dawn had a feeling. Something deep down in her gut that everything that had been piling up was going to explode soon. That something big was going to happen in the next few days. She didn't know how she knew but she just *did*. Figured it was probably some sort of key thing. Or maybe just cramps.
"I'm kind of nervous," she said quietly.
Spike moved so he was crouched beside her. "What's that, little bit?"
"I'm worried about this stuff with Glory and everything that's going to happen. I just wish it were all over with already, you know? And I could go back to being normal like before." She paused. "Although I guess I never really was normal before, huh? Since I didn't actually exist and stuff." A bitter tone had crept into her voice.
He looked like he wanted to touch her but didn't. "Nothing to worry about. Big sis is looking out for you and so is everyone else. Things will work out."
"I hope you're right," she said softly.
They didn't say anything for the rest of the night, just sat there together by Joyce's grave. Dawn wanted him to stay but didn't ask him to and was glad when he didn't leave. He wouldn't have left if she asked him to anyways. He walked her silently home afterwards and they said their goodbyes with their eyes. There was a lot of understanding there behind their eyes.
~*~*~*~*~
Summer 2001
Dawn was getting used to staring at tombstones and sitting on the ground at night. Her butt becoming numb from sitting in one position so long, and the back of her pants getting dirty. Tara would always wash the grass stains and dirt out and never say anything about it; Dawn would simply find the pants clean and on her bed again the next day.
Spike no longer crept up behind her like he used to. Now he always came with her whenever she wanted to go visit Buffy or her mother's grave. Some nights they never said anything and would only sit in silence listening to the crickets chirp around them. Other times they would talk a lot but never about her. Never about the girl they both loved whose grave they were sitting on. But that night Dawn was thinking about her more than ever. She had so much guilt inside her that countless trips to her grave weren't taking care of. It was still there.
"It should've been me," she said softly.
Dawn's words threw him off balance. He thought at first that he'd said them since that's what he thought almost every minute of the day. That it should've been him. His head started to ache and the pain in his heart started feeling even worse. It wasn't right that Dawn should think that. He should be the only one thinking that thought.
"Don't say that, bit," he said gruffly but softly, his voice sounding tired and weary.
She couldn't understand why he didn't resent her. Or, if he did, he never showed it. She knew he loved Buffy, not her, and probably wished their places were reversed right now. Dawn didn't understand how he couldn't be thinking that.
But the only thing Spike was thinking about was not failing. He'd already failed once and he could never do that again, and now here the Bit was thinking and saying things she shouldn't. Hell of a lot of good he was doing her.
Dawn started talking again, her voice sounding more animated. "I tried to jump you know but Buffy wouldn't let me." She let out a bitter laugh. "Couldn't even let me be the hero once, could she?" She paused. "I wish she would've just let me do it. Just once let me take care of it and fix it instead of her coming to my rescue like she always had to do." She choked back a sob and stared straight ahead at the writing on Buffy's grave, not wanting to look at Spike.
"She only wanted to do right by you, nibblet."
She felt ashamed for the other thoughts she had about why Buffy did it. The thoughts that told her it wasn't just about saving her, or saving the world it was just about Buffy being ... tired. That it was some sort of weird suicide thing she had done. She'd never seen her look so happy or at peace than when she'd just been lying there on the ground, dead.
"She loved you," he said quietly.
Dawn knew Spike hadn't seen that look. He had been too busy sobbing his eyes out to notice much of anything and she didn't want to tell him. Besides, she thought, even if it had been about Buffy wanting to rest ... no one deserved it more than she did.
"I know," she simply said.
Getting up to go back home Dawn still couldn't figure it out. Why Spike was still here. Why he was with her so much. She knew he thought he had some sort of obligation to Buffy to look out for her, but she couldn't understand how he could bear to look at her. She must be a daily reminder of Buffy being dead. Of how her sister who wasn't even supposed to be here, was, and she wasn't.
"I don't know how you can stand to look at my face."
Spike turned and faced her, putting his hand under her chin to try and force her to look at him.
Her eyes looked tentatively upwards and his entire face looked grim. She was afraid of what he might say.
"That's the only thing that keeps me going, Dawn."
With that he took his hand away and started walking back home. Dawn stood and watched him go while she wiped away a few tears that had fallen down her face before she ran to catch up with him.
~*~*~*~*~
Autumn 2001
Dawn stared at Justin's grave with mixed feelings. She felt funny about even being there; she knew Buffy would kill her if she found out she snuck out of the house after Giles tried to give her some sort of *talk* that he only barely stumbled through. She wasn't sure what had possessed her but she knew she wouldn't be able to go to sleep that night unless she found his grave. Dawn also felt really stupid for not having known he had died in the first place, but so many kids in school died mysteriously that it was hard to keep track of who was dead and who just had a really bad flu.
"Haven't you had enough excitement for one night?"
Spike was beside her suddenly, pulling one of those popping out of nowhere stunts that she hadn't seen him do in a long time. He looked tired and a little bit upset.
He sighed when she didn't answer. "Right, off we go then," he muttered, taking her arm trying to pull her home.
"No!" she yelled. His hand dropped and he looked at her with wide bemused eyes at her outburst. "I mean, can't we just stay here for a little bit? Then you can take me home and tell Buffy on me and she can go all commando sister like I know she wants to about this whole thing but ... can we just stay for a few more minutes?"
He answered by not saying anything and just stood there with her. Dawn kept her arms folded over her chest just staring at Justin's name as if that would answer all her questions. It only made her more angry, confused, and sad.
It didn't take Spike long to catch on to who the grave belonged to. "Is that the wanker you were with tonight?"
She nodded. "Yeah." Then she realized what he'd just called him. "Hey, he wasn't a wanker!"
"He tried to kill you, remember? Or did that just happen to slip your mind?"
She sighed. "Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what I feel. Part of me hates him and part of me still likes him, you know? Even after everything that happened. I thought he liked me and he told me I was beautiful and it was just so nice to have someone paying attention to me like that ..."
The last part of her sentence caught Spike's attention and he began to feel guilty. He knew he hadn't been spending much time with the Bit since Buffy had come back, but he hadn't felt like there was any need. Her sis was back; things were as they should be. No need for him to be hanging about as much anymore. So he had backed off without realizing that Dawn might still want him around.
Dawn was happy to get this alone time with Spike again, even if it was over the grave of the first boy she'd kissed. She hadn't seen him for more than a few minutes at a time since Buffy had been back and she'd felt ... deserted. By everyone. She felt awful that what she'd wanted most in the world, for Buffy to be back, was making her feel like this. Lonely. When she should be happier than ever.
"Don't trust anything men tell you, nibblet. Not even the ones with a pulse. They're all only thinking with one thing."
"God, not you too! Giles already gave me this speech. Only his sounded a lot more stuffy and British and he cleaned his glasses and coughed a lot."
He snorted. "Don't be taking any advice from Rupes, pet. Doubt he's even shagged a woman in the last decade."
Although Dawn didn't want to go through another birds and bees speech tonight she was really happy that at least Spike wasn't tip toeing around her. Wasn't using baby words, was just talking to her like he would anyone else. She noticed he was about to light up a cigarette and decided to take a chance.
"Can I have one?" She tried to keep her voice light and casual like she asked for cigarettes all the time. Adjusting her posture so she looked cool. Just stand cool and act cool, she thought.
He raised an eyebrow and thought for a moment before speaking. "All right, but don't be telling Buffy about this, you hear?"
She nodded and he gave her the cigarette. Dawn held it for a moment before putting it in her mouth feeling cooler than ever before. Her coolness feeling went up a zillion notches when he lit it for her. She felt like she was in a scene from one of those old black and white movies she used to watch with her mom. She was a sexy dame, they were always being called dames in those movies, and Spike was some sort of dangerous man with a past and a nicotine addiction. Yeah, she felt real cool. Until she started coughing that is.
He chuckled lightly and took it away from her while she kept coughing. "Don't laugh at me! Geez, could this night get any worse? Can't even handle a cigarette and just because I can't doesn't mean I'm a little kid, okay?"
Spike looked at her, the way she'd grown in the last year. Didn't like the thought of his nibblet growing up. "You're not, bit. That's the problem," he said softly.
Dawn became still and she could feel something in her heart begin to soar. Was Spike calling her a woman? She didn't know but wasn't going to chance it by asking for details. Maybe he meant an almost woman? That would be okay too. Anything was better than being a little kid. Only she didn't know why Spike had to look at her with sad eyes when telling her that. Wasn't growing up a good thing?
~*~*~*~*~*~
Spring 2003
Dawn stood and stared at Tara's grave and felt somewhat guilty that she visited it so often not only to visit her, but to get away from all the noisy potentials. The house was always so loud and crowded lately that the cemetery made her feel calm. Part of her also felt bad that it seemed like everyone had forgotten about her. No one had mentioned her in such a long time and now even Willow rarely mentioned her, just gazed at Kennedy. Dawn couldn't understand what she saw in her, Kennedy was a total bossy bitch and Tara had been ... well, *Tara*. No one could take her place.
She tensed up when she sensed someone behind her. Dawn knew who it was. No one else ever snuck up beside her at night in cemeteries besides him.
"Get out of here," she growled. "You don't deserve to be here."
He was right beside her now and it was too much. Reminded her of other times with him ... before everything had gone wrong.
"Just came to pay my respects," he said quietly.
She laughed but still didn't look at him. "Yeah, like you actually cared about her. That's a laugh."
"She was a real nice lady. Funny too, when people weren't watching her."
"Stop pretending, okay, Spike? Just go home and follow Buffy around some more." She tried to make her voice sound as determined as possible, didn't want any cracks to get through.
He tried to touch her shoulder but she shrugged him off. "What's all this about, nibblet?"
The cracks were starting to show now. "Stop it! Don't call me that! You don't get to call me that anymore! Not after what you did."
Spike became awkward and moved around nervously. Wasn't sure what to do. "All right then, Dawn. So what's this all---"
But before he could finish the floodgates were opened and everything came out. She began to sob and all her words came out in a rush with them. "Stop pretending that you give a damn! Not after what you did to Buffy and not after leaving me and Tara died and you were always there for me when someone died. Always. And then you weren't and why'd you have to go get a stupid soul anyways? I liked you without a soul."
He grabbed her and pulled her into an embrace while she sobbed into his shirt and pulled at his coat. "I know. I know. Know I'm a bastard for everything I've done. No getting around that, is there? Nothing I can say to make it up to you either."
Sometimes Dawn wished Spike wasn't so honest. She wanted there to be something he could say that would make everything okay. That would make it so the last year never happened.
Christ, he hated himself right now. Hated himself for not speaking to her sooner. For being so caught up with the bleeding First, and the chip, and Buffy, and Wood that he hadn't made things right with Dawn a long time ago. He knew those things were important, yeah, but it hadn't been right not to notice how much pain his sweet bit was in.
Dawn detangled herself from him but continued to clutch at his coat. He let her. They stood in silence for awhile just looking at Tara's grave.
"I probably won't have to go to school much longer, did you know that?" She tried to make her voice sound perky and cheerful.
"Is that right? What, are you so smart they're just letting you graduate early?"
She smiled despite herself and continued. "All the kids in school are talking about what's been going on. For once it looks like everyone's actually waking up to the weirdness that is Sunnydale. They're all talking about how there's going to be this mass moving thing and everyone, and I mean everyone's going to be leaving. Probably won't be anyone left except us."
"Ah, town was getting too crowded anyway, bit," Spike said lightly trying to put some humor into the situation.
She noticed that he was back to using nicknames for her and was glad. Hadn't meant it when she said she wanted Spike to stop that.
Dawn clutched at his coat tighter. "You won't leave will you?"
"Course not. Going to be a big fight, yeah? Wouldn't want to miss that."
"No, I mean ... after. Please don't leave again, okay?" Everyone always left her eventually and she couldn't take anymore of it.
He had to take a breath to steady himself. Couldn't believe how much alike her and Buffy could be sometimes. Both so independent and needy at the same time. He didn't know if he'd make it through the battle but he wasn't going to tell her that.
"Course not, sweet bit. Always going to be with you."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Summer 2005
It was strange seeing Spike's name on a grave. Not his name, not Spike, but his name when he'd been human. That name. She'd never known him as William and it felt funny to be kneeling here, in England, looking at the faded letters of when he'd been born and died.
Her fingers twisted the necklace around her neck and she thought back to two years ago. That moment when she'd had to hold it all together when she'd leapt off the bus and Buffy had told them what Spike had done. Had saved them and obviously died because of it. It hadn't hit her at first that he was really gone; she had been in too much shock to be able to process it right away.
It wasn't until that night on the bus that it finally hit her. She'd quietly cried in her seat, not wanting to wake anyone up. And then part of her had wanted to wake them all up and loudly too. Wake them up and make them recognize what he'd done for them. Make them be grateful instead of snoring away like it was nothing.
She'd felt cold that night, really cold. So she'd found her jacket and put it on, trying to get warm, and when she reached her hand into a pocket she found something. A note.
A note from Spike.
He must've found her jacket and put it in there before they had gotten off the bus at the school. Probably way before that when they had been loading up the bus with supplies. He had surprisingly nice handwriting. Giles would probably be envious, not like she'd ever show it to Giles though. He'd said in the note that he was writing this to her in case he didn't make it. Didn't know what was going to happen now that he'd gotten that amulet thing and didn't want to take any chances if he didn't get to say goodbye to her. She'd cried while reading it because he said all the things she'd always wanted to know. That he loved her and Buffy, but didn't love her because of Buffy. Loved her because she was Dawn. Because she was his sweet bit.
Also in her pocket was a necklace. A simple gold chain with one of the rings he always used to wear around it. To wear around her neck in case he didn't make it, so he could be with her always like he had promised.
Dawn touched the necklace around her neck some more and reached her other hand out to touch the cool stone that marked Spike's grave. After graduation Buffy had promised her she could go to England for the summer. She'd known why she'd wanted to go. Buffy was so good about knowing nowadays.
She realized something. It was nice being here; being where Spike had lived and died, but she hadn't known him here. Hadn't known the William that was buried here. The Spike she'd known and loved had died in Sunnydale. It seemed right somehow that that should be his final resting spot. It had, somehow along the way, become his home.
Dawn smiled to herself when she got up to leave. She didn't need the cemeteries and gravestones for comfort anymore. She touched her necklace where the ring lay across her heart. She knew where her loved ones were.
Author: Diva Stardust
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Five graves in five years. Spike and Dawn spend a lot of time in the cemetery together. Sometimes that's how friendships are formed.
Distribution: Just ask first if you want to archive this somewhere, please. I will most likely say yes!
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, etc. I'm not making any money off of this.
Acknowledgements: Thanks to Spikeyvamp for the beta!
~*~*~*~*~
Spring 2001
Somehow lately she was always able to tell when he was behind her. Could sense the way he stood behind her, watching over her. Could hear the leather of his coat moving slightly from the breeze of the night air. Could hear the click of his lighter as he lit one of his many required cigarettes for the evening.
"Hi, Spike," she said without looking behind her.
He moved in front of her by the side of the tombstone. "Getting quick, nibblet. You didn't even look behind you that time."
She gave him a teasing grin. "Why would I have to do that? You're so obvious. I could smell your stinky cigarette a mile away."
He scoffed at her. "You'll probably want to try one some day."
"No I won't. I've seen the commercials about what they do to you. All that gross stuff it does to your lungs. So, yellow teeth and black lungs? No thanks."
He raised a doubtful eyebrow but she ignored him and went back to looking at her mother's grave. She remembered the last time she'd been there and looked up at him.
"Did you know that--?"
"You didn't mojo your mum back? Yeah, figured as much when I didn't hear anyone shouting and carrying on about someone coming back from the great beyond."
He looked at her seriously for a moment. "'S probably for the best, little bit. I helped you because I didn't want you getting hurt but I never thought it was a good idea. Not right to mess around with magic like that and bring people back. There's always a price."
She nodded. "I know. I didn't figure that out though until the very last minute. It would've been awful if mom would've come back and it wouldn't have been really her, you know? If there would've been something wrong or different about her."
He was silent and she concentrated on his boots in front of her. She had an urge to ask him how long he'd had them and if he ever took them off but decided against it. It seemed like a question Anya would ask and people were always giving her *looks* when she'd ask questions like that.
Looking back up to his eyes she remembered something else. It had only been a few days since he'd been tortured by Glory and the bruises were still all over his face. She didn't want to say anything, she felt guilty like it was all her fault but she willed herself to keep that all inside. Couldn't act like a little cry-baby in front of him. She remembered when Buffy had come back from the whole Buffybot fiasco with a look on her face she'd never seen before. Told her all about how Spike had protected her from that bitch Glory and hadn't told her she was the Key. She used to have a crush on Spike but that ended when she found out he went crazy for a little bit and chained Buffy up. Now she knew what Spike was to her. Her hero. She couldn't help it and beamed at him, giving him a bright smile.
He gave her a puzzled look. "Something funny, nibblet?"
She tried to cover. "I just remembered a joke a friend told me at school. Want to hear it?"
He rolled his eyes. "No thanks, platelet. Can just imagine the kind of jokes your mates at school tell. Probably involve some bloody chickens crossing the road."
Dawn became huffy. "They do not! Hello, I'm in 8th grade, remember? We've outgrown the chicken crossing the road jokes. We tell much more sophisticated jokes than that."
She could see his eyes twinkling in the darkness at her. "Oh, really? Sophisticated, you say? What fun is that, then?"
She wanted to punch him in the arm but settled for punching him lightly in the leg since she was sitting down. Looking up at the stars she started to get thoughtful again. Dawn had a feeling. Something deep down in her gut that everything that had been piling up was going to explode soon. That something big was going to happen in the next few days. She didn't know how she knew but she just *did*. Figured it was probably some sort of key thing. Or maybe just cramps.
"I'm kind of nervous," she said quietly.
Spike moved so he was crouched beside her. "What's that, little bit?"
"I'm worried about this stuff with Glory and everything that's going to happen. I just wish it were all over with already, you know? And I could go back to being normal like before." She paused. "Although I guess I never really was normal before, huh? Since I didn't actually exist and stuff." A bitter tone had crept into her voice.
He looked like he wanted to touch her but didn't. "Nothing to worry about. Big sis is looking out for you and so is everyone else. Things will work out."
"I hope you're right," she said softly.
They didn't say anything for the rest of the night, just sat there together by Joyce's grave. Dawn wanted him to stay but didn't ask him to and was glad when he didn't leave. He wouldn't have left if she asked him to anyways. He walked her silently home afterwards and they said their goodbyes with their eyes. There was a lot of understanding there behind their eyes.
~*~*~*~*~
Summer 2001
Dawn was getting used to staring at tombstones and sitting on the ground at night. Her butt becoming numb from sitting in one position so long, and the back of her pants getting dirty. Tara would always wash the grass stains and dirt out and never say anything about it; Dawn would simply find the pants clean and on her bed again the next day.
Spike no longer crept up behind her like he used to. Now he always came with her whenever she wanted to go visit Buffy or her mother's grave. Some nights they never said anything and would only sit in silence listening to the crickets chirp around them. Other times they would talk a lot but never about her. Never about the girl they both loved whose grave they were sitting on. But that night Dawn was thinking about her more than ever. She had so much guilt inside her that countless trips to her grave weren't taking care of. It was still there.
"It should've been me," she said softly.
Dawn's words threw him off balance. He thought at first that he'd said them since that's what he thought almost every minute of the day. That it should've been him. His head started to ache and the pain in his heart started feeling even worse. It wasn't right that Dawn should think that. He should be the only one thinking that thought.
"Don't say that, bit," he said gruffly but softly, his voice sounding tired and weary.
She couldn't understand why he didn't resent her. Or, if he did, he never showed it. She knew he loved Buffy, not her, and probably wished their places were reversed right now. Dawn didn't understand how he couldn't be thinking that.
But the only thing Spike was thinking about was not failing. He'd already failed once and he could never do that again, and now here the Bit was thinking and saying things she shouldn't. Hell of a lot of good he was doing her.
Dawn started talking again, her voice sounding more animated. "I tried to jump you know but Buffy wouldn't let me." She let out a bitter laugh. "Couldn't even let me be the hero once, could she?" She paused. "I wish she would've just let me do it. Just once let me take care of it and fix it instead of her coming to my rescue like she always had to do." She choked back a sob and stared straight ahead at the writing on Buffy's grave, not wanting to look at Spike.
"She only wanted to do right by you, nibblet."
She felt ashamed for the other thoughts she had about why Buffy did it. The thoughts that told her it wasn't just about saving her, or saving the world it was just about Buffy being ... tired. That it was some sort of weird suicide thing she had done. She'd never seen her look so happy or at peace than when she'd just been lying there on the ground, dead.
"She loved you," he said quietly.
Dawn knew Spike hadn't seen that look. He had been too busy sobbing his eyes out to notice much of anything and she didn't want to tell him. Besides, she thought, even if it had been about Buffy wanting to rest ... no one deserved it more than she did.
"I know," she simply said.
Getting up to go back home Dawn still couldn't figure it out. Why Spike was still here. Why he was with her so much. She knew he thought he had some sort of obligation to Buffy to look out for her, but she couldn't understand how he could bear to look at her. She must be a daily reminder of Buffy being dead. Of how her sister who wasn't even supposed to be here, was, and she wasn't.
"I don't know how you can stand to look at my face."
Spike turned and faced her, putting his hand under her chin to try and force her to look at him.
Her eyes looked tentatively upwards and his entire face looked grim. She was afraid of what he might say.
"That's the only thing that keeps me going, Dawn."
With that he took his hand away and started walking back home. Dawn stood and watched him go while she wiped away a few tears that had fallen down her face before she ran to catch up with him.
~*~*~*~*~
Autumn 2001
Dawn stared at Justin's grave with mixed feelings. She felt funny about even being there; she knew Buffy would kill her if she found out she snuck out of the house after Giles tried to give her some sort of *talk* that he only barely stumbled through. She wasn't sure what had possessed her but she knew she wouldn't be able to go to sleep that night unless she found his grave. Dawn also felt really stupid for not having known he had died in the first place, but so many kids in school died mysteriously that it was hard to keep track of who was dead and who just had a really bad flu.
"Haven't you had enough excitement for one night?"
Spike was beside her suddenly, pulling one of those popping out of nowhere stunts that she hadn't seen him do in a long time. He looked tired and a little bit upset.
He sighed when she didn't answer. "Right, off we go then," he muttered, taking her arm trying to pull her home.
"No!" she yelled. His hand dropped and he looked at her with wide bemused eyes at her outburst. "I mean, can't we just stay here for a little bit? Then you can take me home and tell Buffy on me and she can go all commando sister like I know she wants to about this whole thing but ... can we just stay for a few more minutes?"
He answered by not saying anything and just stood there with her. Dawn kept her arms folded over her chest just staring at Justin's name as if that would answer all her questions. It only made her more angry, confused, and sad.
It didn't take Spike long to catch on to who the grave belonged to. "Is that the wanker you were with tonight?"
She nodded. "Yeah." Then she realized what he'd just called him. "Hey, he wasn't a wanker!"
"He tried to kill you, remember? Or did that just happen to slip your mind?"
She sighed. "Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what I feel. Part of me hates him and part of me still likes him, you know? Even after everything that happened. I thought he liked me and he told me I was beautiful and it was just so nice to have someone paying attention to me like that ..."
The last part of her sentence caught Spike's attention and he began to feel guilty. He knew he hadn't been spending much time with the Bit since Buffy had come back, but he hadn't felt like there was any need. Her sis was back; things were as they should be. No need for him to be hanging about as much anymore. So he had backed off without realizing that Dawn might still want him around.
Dawn was happy to get this alone time with Spike again, even if it was over the grave of the first boy she'd kissed. She hadn't seen him for more than a few minutes at a time since Buffy had been back and she'd felt ... deserted. By everyone. She felt awful that what she'd wanted most in the world, for Buffy to be back, was making her feel like this. Lonely. When she should be happier than ever.
"Don't trust anything men tell you, nibblet. Not even the ones with a pulse. They're all only thinking with one thing."
"God, not you too! Giles already gave me this speech. Only his sounded a lot more stuffy and British and he cleaned his glasses and coughed a lot."
He snorted. "Don't be taking any advice from Rupes, pet. Doubt he's even shagged a woman in the last decade."
Although Dawn didn't want to go through another birds and bees speech tonight she was really happy that at least Spike wasn't tip toeing around her. Wasn't using baby words, was just talking to her like he would anyone else. She noticed he was about to light up a cigarette and decided to take a chance.
"Can I have one?" She tried to keep her voice light and casual like she asked for cigarettes all the time. Adjusting her posture so she looked cool. Just stand cool and act cool, she thought.
He raised an eyebrow and thought for a moment before speaking. "All right, but don't be telling Buffy about this, you hear?"
She nodded and he gave her the cigarette. Dawn held it for a moment before putting it in her mouth feeling cooler than ever before. Her coolness feeling went up a zillion notches when he lit it for her. She felt like she was in a scene from one of those old black and white movies she used to watch with her mom. She was a sexy dame, they were always being called dames in those movies, and Spike was some sort of dangerous man with a past and a nicotine addiction. Yeah, she felt real cool. Until she started coughing that is.
He chuckled lightly and took it away from her while she kept coughing. "Don't laugh at me! Geez, could this night get any worse? Can't even handle a cigarette and just because I can't doesn't mean I'm a little kid, okay?"
Spike looked at her, the way she'd grown in the last year. Didn't like the thought of his nibblet growing up. "You're not, bit. That's the problem," he said softly.
Dawn became still and she could feel something in her heart begin to soar. Was Spike calling her a woman? She didn't know but wasn't going to chance it by asking for details. Maybe he meant an almost woman? That would be okay too. Anything was better than being a little kid. Only she didn't know why Spike had to look at her with sad eyes when telling her that. Wasn't growing up a good thing?
~*~*~*~*~*~
Spring 2003
Dawn stood and stared at Tara's grave and felt somewhat guilty that she visited it so often not only to visit her, but to get away from all the noisy potentials. The house was always so loud and crowded lately that the cemetery made her feel calm. Part of her also felt bad that it seemed like everyone had forgotten about her. No one had mentioned her in such a long time and now even Willow rarely mentioned her, just gazed at Kennedy. Dawn couldn't understand what she saw in her, Kennedy was a total bossy bitch and Tara had been ... well, *Tara*. No one could take her place.
She tensed up when she sensed someone behind her. Dawn knew who it was. No one else ever snuck up beside her at night in cemeteries besides him.
"Get out of here," she growled. "You don't deserve to be here."
He was right beside her now and it was too much. Reminded her of other times with him ... before everything had gone wrong.
"Just came to pay my respects," he said quietly.
She laughed but still didn't look at him. "Yeah, like you actually cared about her. That's a laugh."
"She was a real nice lady. Funny too, when people weren't watching her."
"Stop pretending, okay, Spike? Just go home and follow Buffy around some more." She tried to make her voice sound as determined as possible, didn't want any cracks to get through.
He tried to touch her shoulder but she shrugged him off. "What's all this about, nibblet?"
The cracks were starting to show now. "Stop it! Don't call me that! You don't get to call me that anymore! Not after what you did."
Spike became awkward and moved around nervously. Wasn't sure what to do. "All right then, Dawn. So what's this all---"
But before he could finish the floodgates were opened and everything came out. She began to sob and all her words came out in a rush with them. "Stop pretending that you give a damn! Not after what you did to Buffy and not after leaving me and Tara died and you were always there for me when someone died. Always. And then you weren't and why'd you have to go get a stupid soul anyways? I liked you without a soul."
He grabbed her and pulled her into an embrace while she sobbed into his shirt and pulled at his coat. "I know. I know. Know I'm a bastard for everything I've done. No getting around that, is there? Nothing I can say to make it up to you either."
Sometimes Dawn wished Spike wasn't so honest. She wanted there to be something he could say that would make everything okay. That would make it so the last year never happened.
Christ, he hated himself right now. Hated himself for not speaking to her sooner. For being so caught up with the bleeding First, and the chip, and Buffy, and Wood that he hadn't made things right with Dawn a long time ago. He knew those things were important, yeah, but it hadn't been right not to notice how much pain his sweet bit was in.
Dawn detangled herself from him but continued to clutch at his coat. He let her. They stood in silence for awhile just looking at Tara's grave.
"I probably won't have to go to school much longer, did you know that?" She tried to make her voice sound perky and cheerful.
"Is that right? What, are you so smart they're just letting you graduate early?"
She smiled despite herself and continued. "All the kids in school are talking about what's been going on. For once it looks like everyone's actually waking up to the weirdness that is Sunnydale. They're all talking about how there's going to be this mass moving thing and everyone, and I mean everyone's going to be leaving. Probably won't be anyone left except us."
"Ah, town was getting too crowded anyway, bit," Spike said lightly trying to put some humor into the situation.
She noticed that he was back to using nicknames for her and was glad. Hadn't meant it when she said she wanted Spike to stop that.
Dawn clutched at his coat tighter. "You won't leave will you?"
"Course not. Going to be a big fight, yeah? Wouldn't want to miss that."
"No, I mean ... after. Please don't leave again, okay?" Everyone always left her eventually and she couldn't take anymore of it.
He had to take a breath to steady himself. Couldn't believe how much alike her and Buffy could be sometimes. Both so independent and needy at the same time. He didn't know if he'd make it through the battle but he wasn't going to tell her that.
"Course not, sweet bit. Always going to be with you."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Summer 2005
It was strange seeing Spike's name on a grave. Not his name, not Spike, but his name when he'd been human. That name. She'd never known him as William and it felt funny to be kneeling here, in England, looking at the faded letters of when he'd been born and died.
Her fingers twisted the necklace around her neck and she thought back to two years ago. That moment when she'd had to hold it all together when she'd leapt off the bus and Buffy had told them what Spike had done. Had saved them and obviously died because of it. It hadn't hit her at first that he was really gone; she had been in too much shock to be able to process it right away.
It wasn't until that night on the bus that it finally hit her. She'd quietly cried in her seat, not wanting to wake anyone up. And then part of her had wanted to wake them all up and loudly too. Wake them up and make them recognize what he'd done for them. Make them be grateful instead of snoring away like it was nothing.
She'd felt cold that night, really cold. So she'd found her jacket and put it on, trying to get warm, and when she reached her hand into a pocket she found something. A note.
A note from Spike.
He must've found her jacket and put it in there before they had gotten off the bus at the school. Probably way before that when they had been loading up the bus with supplies. He had surprisingly nice handwriting. Giles would probably be envious, not like she'd ever show it to Giles though. He'd said in the note that he was writing this to her in case he didn't make it. Didn't know what was going to happen now that he'd gotten that amulet thing and didn't want to take any chances if he didn't get to say goodbye to her. She'd cried while reading it because he said all the things she'd always wanted to know. That he loved her and Buffy, but didn't love her because of Buffy. Loved her because she was Dawn. Because she was his sweet bit.
Also in her pocket was a necklace. A simple gold chain with one of the rings he always used to wear around it. To wear around her neck in case he didn't make it, so he could be with her always like he had promised.
Dawn touched the necklace around her neck some more and reached her other hand out to touch the cool stone that marked Spike's grave. After graduation Buffy had promised her she could go to England for the summer. She'd known why she'd wanted to go. Buffy was so good about knowing nowadays.
She realized something. It was nice being here; being where Spike had lived and died, but she hadn't known him here. Hadn't known the William that was buried here. The Spike she'd known and loved had died in Sunnydale. It seemed right somehow that that should be his final resting spot. It had, somehow along the way, become his home.
Dawn smiled to herself when she got up to leave. She didn't need the cemeteries and gravestones for comfort anymore. She touched her necklace where the ring lay across her heart. She knew where her loved ones were.