True colours by BekaJWP

Summary: 'Of course he didn't insult Lily Evans. He didn't need to. If he ever chose to reveal the truth, that- well that would do far more damage than any insult'

Pairing: LE/SS and LE/JP

Rating: PG-13

" I'm on the outside,

I'm looking in,

I can see through you,

See your true colours

Cause inside you're ugly,

You're ugly like me,

I can see through you,

See to the real you "

Outside by Staind

*********************************************

What had he expected? On a precious free afternoon during exam period, he was left to his won thoughts. Something he had been avoiding so far, due to having exams to concentrate on.

The stone was sun-warmed in the hazy afternoon light. Not somewhere he would generally choose to come, but avoiding Lily was hard. They had been together (ha!) for months, she knew pretty much all of his regular spots.

Lily.

Just her name made his stomach churn. He had to stay away from her. He knew his morals were pretty screwed- that he would cheat with someone's girlfriend but not their fiancée. And was that even it? Or was it just jealousy?

Thought he hated to admit it to himself, he was jealous of Potter. She was his Lily. Potter had no right. Though it was Lily who had said yes, of course.

Yes, he was jealous. But he was also angry with her. Somehow he had thought that she might have changed her mind. He had told her that he loved her! Not spoken…but on a note, one of their notes, arranging to meet when their potions has to be cancelled for one reason for another.

She hadn't said anything. He had just presumed….presumed what? That she cared for him too. He was such an idiot. He sighed deeply, leaning his head back against the wall and momentarily closing his eyes, feeling the heat bathe his face.

Footsteps.

Damn her! Hadn't she done enough already? Lily, having turned the corner, looked down at him. She seemed tense, maybe slightly nervous. He stared at her blankly. He wouldn't let her know what she was doing to him. The Ring twinkled on her finger.

"Look…"

She made to say something, to break the uncomfortable silence.

"I have a plan for after school"

He announced it to her abruptly. She wasn't the only one sorting out her life.

"Oh…that's good. But I wanted-"

"Potions. Making them for Voldemort."

She stopped dead in what she was trying to say, paling suddenly.

"Voldemort? The murderer??"

"Please, don't believe everything you hear. Nothing's ever been proven has it?"

"Severus you mustn't! I know you're angry with me, but,"

He snorted disbelievingly. Did she think everything revolved around her or something?

"I've been offered a place under a famous Master, with a wage and all the equipment and ingredients I can use. And for your information, it was before you…changed things."

That wasn't strictly true but how would she know? Some foolish part of him had put Lily into his future, but now that little daydream was gone, it was time to think seriously.

"You'll become a Death Eater? Don't try and kid me Sev, we both know there's more to the reports than coincidence."

He stood swiftly, glowering back at her.

"Some of us don't have our futures all mapped out in ink. Do you suppose the anti-Slytherin bias extends only as far as Hogwarts? I'll tell you for a fact that it doesn't. This is the best offer I'll ever get. Whether you approve of my choice- well that's none of your business anymore, is it Ms Potter?"

He didn't want her pity, her sympathy. She was out of this and it had been her own choice. He could see he had struck a nerve, mentioning how she had written out her own future. Before she could retort, he bowed mockingly.

"Good afternoon."

As he strode off, he knew that she would catch up with him later to finish this. He really didn't care.

**********

As evening drew in, he tried to get some peace at the library, only to find her there, waiting. Without missing a beat, he turned around and went straight back out, heading outside. There must be somewhere she didn't know about.

He had only just got outside, when she arrived behind him. She looked pale in the dusk- almost as pale as he did. Or maybe she had looked pale for weeks. Maybe she was even more unhappy with Potter now than before. Or perhaps he really was an idiot.

"Severus, you knew this was what I wanted."

His anger from earlier returned. Wanted? She had told him a hundred times she didn't want this. Every time she had complained about Potter, Black, the girls she hung around with.

"You knew this was how it would end"

"The why us Lily? Why for that long? You made me think…"

He couldn't finish. He had to keep some pride. He wouldn't tell her he loved her, beg her to come back to him. If she had ever been with him at all. She guessed anyway.

"I never said that I loved you Severus"

Denying it? Now? He sneered at her to hide the hurt.

"I wouldn't have believed you if you had! Everything you do is a lie. Look at you right now, convincing yourself that a life with Potter is what you really want. That you can ever be happy with him, love him!"

Her expression was bewildered. Then she sighed.

"You're such a romantic Sev. I'll have the money, the home, the status. I don't need love"

"All you need is love"

"Please, don't start that again. When has love alone ever helped anybody?"

She was wrong. People thought he was cold, unfeeling perhaps. But he loved and hated passionately, he couldn't help it, it was a part of who he was. True he hid it well- except around certain people. How could people call him cold, having seen the hate in his eyes when he was near Black? He tried to make her see.

"It helped me. For 12 years the only thing that kept me going was my love for potions. Through things worse than I've told you and certainly things worse than you can imagine. Voldemort is offering me the best chance I have of extending my Potions knowledge."

The cooler she acted, the more impassioned he was becoming. She may not have ever verbally spoken, 'I love you' but she had said it in other ways. He could tell she was lying to hurt him, trying to push him into hurting her as much. Her mouth twisted.

"It's just as well I am marrying James then- I hardly think a mudblood girlfriend would go down well."

He smirked bitterly, pushing aside his qualms about hurting her as best he could. If that was what she wanted to make herself feel better about this. Fine.

"You were never my girlfriend. We were…we were fuck-buddies. That's what you call two people who sleep together but have no feelings for each other, right? But don't feel guilty, you can make up for it by 'making love' to Potter for the rest of your life"

She sneered at him, and then a thought obviously came into her mind.

"So you're not going to tell James?"

Of course- that would really spoil things. That's why she was here. He sneered right back, only with more skill- he did have the benefit of many years of practice.

"I've lasted seven years in this damn school…"

"-aww, you think James would actually kill you for this. You're probably right."

He looked at her in disbelief for a moment. Well, insulting his skill wasn't the lowest of blows in this argument, now he thought about it.

"Please. Like I said, I've lasted seven years at this damn school, and I'm not going to risk being expelled for doing grievous bodily harm to a fellow student."

He felt suddenly drained of energy. They stood glaring at each other, each so tense it seemed as if they might actually start throwing punches. She was only inches away, but he felt that if he tried to touch her, then he wouldn't be able to reach. For want of something to do in the silence, she folded her arms expectantly. The engagement ring flashed in the flickering light from the castle window, and anger surged through him again. He turned his back on her to leave, throwing a cutting parting shot over his shoulder.

"Do think of me when you're performing your marital duties with Potter, won't you dear?"

Right on cue, she snapped back immediately.

"Do think of me when you're murdering innocent muggles, won't you dear?"

He heard her wheel around, and the sound of her footsteps clashed against the stone pathway as she stormed back into the cheerful light of the nearest entrance.

Well that was that. His future was decided, yet anything but certain. The lights of the castle seemed friendly, the last thing he wanted, and he needed to think anyway. A walk would do him good. He walked slowly across the empty grounds, dark-clad figure melting into the growing darkness.

~~ The End ~~

And done!

Millions of thanks to everyone who reviewed, you encouraged me to keep going, which I need because I'm lazy! Hope enjoyed the ending. Sadly they had to split up, according to canon…*mutter mutter*

I'm considering a sequel, so if anyone's interested tell me so in the review.

Reviews very happily accepted, I assure you!

Bye for now!

Sugared Fructose – Youch! *cries* *shrugs* *gets over it* Plenty of people enjoy it. I emailed you exactly what I think of your comments. Now I dust my hands of the whole matter.

Steph – thanks! Sorry about that error, but thanks for pointing it out so nicely :D When I get a chance I'll go back and edit the story to make it right.

Kateri1- Once again, thanks for reviewing! Glad you enjoyed the chapter, hope you like this one. Thanks for keeping my lazy self writing :)

PinkJen – thanks for defending me hun! Here's the last chapter- enjoy ^_^

Andi – wow! You sure can rant, thanks! Hope you enjoy the final chapter as much as the rest.