HERMIONE: I figured it out! The Sorcerer's Stone is down the trapdoor!
RON AND HARRY: [blank expressions]
HERMIONE: It makes people immortal and turns metal to gold.
RON AND HARRY: Neat-o!
HARRY: I met Voldemort in the forest. He's probably planning like, a return or something.
RON: Well that sucks.
HERMIONE: But what are you going to do?
HARRY: Well Snape's mean and nasty and therefore must be in cahoots with Vol--
RON: Did you just say cahoots?
HARRY: It's a Muggle say--
HERMIONE: Continue.
HARRY: Well, Snape's obviously going to go down the trapdoor, so I figured I'd head him off.
HERMIONE: You're eleven.
HARRY: So?
HERMIONE: Let's go then.
------------
HARRY: Hey look, a bunch of tests set up by the teachers that we, as average 11 year olds can pass!
HERMIONE: So were they expecting to block Dark Wizards?
HARRY: Maybe if said Dark Wizards were 6.
HERMIONE: Hey, by some COMPLETELY unexpected plot twists, you have to go face Snape and Voldemort alone! Have fun!
HARRY: I will! See you in a bit.
--------
HARRY: Quirrell? What'd you do with Snape?
QUIRRELL: Well nothing too serious, there was a closet and----oh. I'M THE BAD GUY, you silly! You couldn't tell from my aggressive demeanor?
HARRY:.....
QUIRRELL: Stunned into silence! MUAHAH! It is working!
HARRY: No, I'm just still thoroughly squicked out at the thought of you and Snape.
QUIRRELL: Hold on, my Master wants to talk to you. [unwraps turban]
HARRY: Wow. Someone has distance issues!
VOLDEMORT: Find me the Sorcerer's Stone!
HARRY: Don't have it.
VOLDEMORT: Oh damn.
HARRY: Oh look a mirror! Ugh, my hair is SUCH a mess...
[HARRY'S REFLECTION slips the Sorcerer's Stone into Harry's pocket]
HARRY: Hoo, that tickles!
VOLDEMORT: What does?
HARRY: When--uh...your great sense of evil overwhelms my goodhearted tendencies.
VOLDEMORT: You flatter.
HARRY: [tittering laugh]
VOLDEMORT: So you're sure you don't know where the stone is?
HARRY: No idea.
VOLDEMORT: Oh well. You know, Quirrell's really ugly. Gonna go.
HARRY: So I see how it is! Use em and leave em! COMMITMENT PHOBIC!
QUIRRELL: Feeling.......faint.........too much.....angst.....
HARRY: Need a tissue?
QUIRRELL: [breaks out into boils]
HARRY: Ugh what is that SMELL? I feel...[passes out]
-------
DUMBLEDORE: Wake up Harry!
HARRY: Ooh baby I like the way you mo--Oh. Where am I?
DUMBLEDORE: The hospital ward. You won!
HARRY: Won what?
DUMBLEDORE: The Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes!
HARRY: No way! No one ever wins those!
DUMBLEDORE: You're right. Just kidding!
HARRY:...
DUMBLEDORE: Anyway, your mother died to save you and so you were marked with her love, marking you untouchable to Quirrell.
HARRY: Nice way to wrap up the storyline! Hey I'm hungry, any food in this castle?
DUMBLEDORE: There's a feast.
HARRY: WOO!
[HARRY and DUMBLEDORE go to the feast]
DUMBLEDORE: It is now time to arbitrarily hand out points thus ensuring Gryffindor wins the House Cup!
GRYFFINDORS: Hurray!
DRACO: No!
HARRY: Whee!
-------
THE DURSLEYS: Oh god, you.
HARRY: Oh god, you.
RON AND HERMIONE: Byee!
HARRY: See you next year!
RON AND HARRY: [blank expressions]
HERMIONE: It makes people immortal and turns metal to gold.
RON AND HARRY: Neat-o!
HARRY: I met Voldemort in the forest. He's probably planning like, a return or something.
RON: Well that sucks.
HERMIONE: But what are you going to do?
HARRY: Well Snape's mean and nasty and therefore must be in cahoots with Vol--
RON: Did you just say cahoots?
HARRY: It's a Muggle say--
HERMIONE: Continue.
HARRY: Well, Snape's obviously going to go down the trapdoor, so I figured I'd head him off.
HERMIONE: You're eleven.
HARRY: So?
HERMIONE: Let's go then.
------------
HARRY: Hey look, a bunch of tests set up by the teachers that we, as average 11 year olds can pass!
HERMIONE: So were they expecting to block Dark Wizards?
HARRY: Maybe if said Dark Wizards were 6.
HERMIONE: Hey, by some COMPLETELY unexpected plot twists, you have to go face Snape and Voldemort alone! Have fun!
HARRY: I will! See you in a bit.
--------
HARRY: Quirrell? What'd you do with Snape?
QUIRRELL: Well nothing too serious, there was a closet and----oh. I'M THE BAD GUY, you silly! You couldn't tell from my aggressive demeanor?
HARRY:.....
QUIRRELL: Stunned into silence! MUAHAH! It is working!
HARRY: No, I'm just still thoroughly squicked out at the thought of you and Snape.
QUIRRELL: Hold on, my Master wants to talk to you. [unwraps turban]
HARRY: Wow. Someone has distance issues!
VOLDEMORT: Find me the Sorcerer's Stone!
HARRY: Don't have it.
VOLDEMORT: Oh damn.
HARRY: Oh look a mirror! Ugh, my hair is SUCH a mess...
[HARRY'S REFLECTION slips the Sorcerer's Stone into Harry's pocket]
HARRY: Hoo, that tickles!
VOLDEMORT: What does?
HARRY: When--uh...your great sense of evil overwhelms my goodhearted tendencies.
VOLDEMORT: You flatter.
HARRY: [tittering laugh]
VOLDEMORT: So you're sure you don't know where the stone is?
HARRY: No idea.
VOLDEMORT: Oh well. You know, Quirrell's really ugly. Gonna go.
HARRY: So I see how it is! Use em and leave em! COMMITMENT PHOBIC!
QUIRRELL: Feeling.......faint.........too much.....angst.....
HARRY: Need a tissue?
QUIRRELL: [breaks out into boils]
HARRY: Ugh what is that SMELL? I feel...[passes out]
-------
DUMBLEDORE: Wake up Harry!
HARRY: Ooh baby I like the way you mo--Oh. Where am I?
DUMBLEDORE: The hospital ward. You won!
HARRY: Won what?
DUMBLEDORE: The Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes!
HARRY: No way! No one ever wins those!
DUMBLEDORE: You're right. Just kidding!
HARRY:...
DUMBLEDORE: Anyway, your mother died to save you and so you were marked with her love, marking you untouchable to Quirrell.
HARRY: Nice way to wrap up the storyline! Hey I'm hungry, any food in this castle?
DUMBLEDORE: There's a feast.
HARRY: WOO!
[HARRY and DUMBLEDORE go to the feast]
DUMBLEDORE: It is now time to arbitrarily hand out points thus ensuring Gryffindor wins the House Cup!
GRYFFINDORS: Hurray!
DRACO: No!
HARRY: Whee!
-------
THE DURSLEYS: Oh god, you.
HARRY: Oh god, you.
RON AND HERMIONE: Byee!
HARRY: See you next year!