A new happy disclaimer!!!!
Laura: I loathe anyone who says that they own LOTR... yes, even Tolkien, for I am jealous.
Lauren: You really scare me, you know that?
Laura: Of course I do... I'M LAURA!!! I AM THE ROOT OF EVIL!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *cough cough* HAHAHAA!!!
Legolas: Dear Eru, save me!!! *tries to run away... again...*
Lauren and Laura: NEVER, MY DEAR ELF!!!! *lunge at Legolas*
Laura: YOUR dear elf?
Lauren: YOUR dear elf?
Both: *attack each other*
Aragorn: *walking in* What's going on? *sees the two freaks fighting*
Legolas: *braggingly* They're fighting over me... popcorn? *holds out big big BIG tub of popcorn*
Aragorn: Don't mind if I do. *shoves popcorn in his mouth; both sit back and watch Laura and Lauren wrestle*
~*~*~*~*~*~
Chapter 1: Leggy poo and the Giggles of death
~Laura POV~
Ah, so you've come back? Good good. I'm happy that you have. If you're reading this and haven't read Ladies of the Onion Rings, you'll be in the dark. So, I suggest that you read that first... unless you want to be completely confuzzled. *big stupid grin*
So anyways, picking up from the last time that we had our nice discussion about something that you don't really care about...
We were running along behind Aragorn, following the big herd of orcs that held Merry and Pippin captive. I was, quite frankly, pissed. Yes, it WAS "that time of the month"... again. I couldn't believe it! Why oh why did the Valar make "that time of the month"? WHY?? WHY??
*ahem* Anywho, we were trotting along behind Aragorn in this order: Aragorn, Legolas, Lauren, me, and Gimli, who was about twenty feet behind us at all times. Damned fat old dwarves... they're so out of shape. Mind you, Lauren and I had been out of shape, too, just a few weeks ago, when we were running to Lothlorien. But that was a few weeks ago. By now, we were in tip-top shape, trotting happily behind a stinky Ranger and a hot Elf.
"Yes... *pant*... We Dwarves are natural runners... *huff*... Very dangerous over short distances... *collapse*..." Gimli would explain. And, for some reason, it was always me who had to go and help him up when he fell and/or passed out.
After running for about four hours straight, Lauren and I were getting bored.
"I'm bored," I proclaimed.
"So am I," she would answer.
"Let's use the Giggles of Death to annoy a certain trio of men," I suggested.
Lauren cackled evilly. "Let's."
"*giggle giggle*" I said. "*giggle giggle giggle*"
"*chuckle chuckle*" Lauren replied. "*chuckle giggle chuckle*"
"*Snort chuckle giggle*. *giggle giggle chuckle*"
"What in the Valar's name ARE you doing?" Legolas turned around with a very pissed expression.
"Giggles. Of. DEATH!!!" I yelled. He jumped two feet in the air and landed with a soft "plop" on the hard ground.
"Oopsie doopsie!" Lauren and I said at the same time. We both ran and knelt next to him. "*giggle snort chuckle giggle snort*"
~Lauren POV~
Ah, yes... the famed Giggles of Death. We're renowned for them in our high school... perhaps that's why everyone runs away from us when we're laughing... hmmm...
So there we were, slowly killing Princess Puff with our death giggles, when suddenly Laura cried out. "Lookie at what I found!!!" she said happily.
"The brooch of an Elven cloak!" Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas all said at the same time.
"Oooh... shiny..." Laura said, holding it up and staring at it.
"Laura, you fruitcup, you have one, too." I pointed at the pin holding her cloak on.
"Ah, yes... erm... I knew that..." She tossed the brooch to Aragorn and stared at her own. "Shiny..."
"Laura... I think you need therapy," I said simply.
"I do not!!! I already go to Dr. Fosnizzlemaizzle!!! I don't think I need two!!!" She pouted and crossed her arms over her chest.
"Whatever... let's just go!" I took off like a rocket, quickly overtaking Legolas and Aragorn. "Weeee! Lookit me! I'm fast!!"
I heard silent footsteps behind me. Legolas came up on my right, grinning impishly. "You are fast... but I'm faster." He seemed to be having absolutely no trouble... in fact, it looked like he was barely jogging. Suddenly he broke into what I'm guessing was a sprint, and in less than two seconds was nearly twenty feet in front of me.
I stopped and my jaw dropped. Big mistake.
FWAM!!!! Laura ran into me, knocking us both to the ground. "Aw yeah... that's gonna leave a mark..." I heard her mumble.
"Will you two PLEASE stop fooling around?!" Legolas had somehow appeared next to us, and was pulling Laura off of me. "Honestly, I thought that perhaps you might have matured by now."
Laura and I looked at each other, and a smirk formed on our faces. A silent message passed between us. He wants mature? We'll give him mature.
~Legolas POV~
Uh-oh... I knew that smirk. That was the Lauren-and-Laura Smirk of Evilness. (cue evil music here) To be quite honest, I was terrified. That smirk meant nothing good.
I helped both of them up, and then we kept running. I rolled my eyes when I heard the two demon teenagers talking behind me.
"Laura, darling, what do you think about this whole experience, hm?" I heard Lauren ask.
"Oh, dearest Lauren, I DO think it is utterly FASCINATING," Laura answered in an odd accent. (A/N: It's supposed to be a British accent, 'k? Okay, just making sure!!) "Dear Legolas, what is YOUR opinion about this whole experience, hm?"
"I think you should just shut up," I growled.
Lauren gasped. "Legolas, darling! Don't tell me that you don't like our new mature side? My goodness, and it was even YOU who suggested it!" Lauren smacked me gently. "Good gracious, men these days!"
"I DO know what you mean, Lauren darling! I declare, these men! They are such hypocrites!!" Laura exclaimed.
"Hush!" Aragorn said suddenly. I looked up. A large group of horsemen were approaching. I grabbed Laura and Lauren and pulled them behind a boulder.
"Legolas, dear, you're wrinkling my tunic!" they said at the exact same time.
"Will you SHUT THE HELL UP!?" I yelled as loudly as possible without the riders hearing me. I had no idea what "hell" meant... I only used it because whenever Lauren said it to Laura, she would shut up immediately.
Laura and Lauren's eyes grew to be the size of dinner plates. "Leggsie!!! YOU CUSSED!!!" Laura squealed happily. "I'M SO PROUD!!!" She "sobbed" into my shoulder. "My little boy has grown up so fast!!!"
I pushed her away as the riders passed. Aragorn stepped out from behind the rock. "What news of the North, Riders of Rohan?" he called.
~Laura POV~
My little elfy boy!!! He CUSSED!!! I was so proud.
"What news of the North, Riders of Rohan?" Aragorn called after the riders had passed. Faster than I thought possible, they had spun their steeds around and surrounded us in a tight circle. One of the soldiers stuck a spear in my face.
"Will you PLEASE take your over-sized kitchen knife out of my face?" I growled. The soldier glared and lightly stuck me with it. "OW!!!!!" I screamed, even though it didn't even hurt. "THAT'S CHILD ABUSE!!!! CHILD ABUSE, I'M TELLING YOU!!!!"
"Laura!!!" Legolas clapped a hand over my mouth. I was seriously pissed at that point in time.
"What business does an Elf, a Man, a Dwarf and two girl children have in Riddermark? Speak quickly!" one of them men, whom I knew was Eomer, said harshly.
"I am Strider, ranger of the north. My companions are Legolas the elf, Gimli the dwarf, and Laura and Lauren," Aragorn answered.
"Why do you have two children, Ranger?" he asked coldly.
"They are our prisoners," Aragorn answered quickly.
"Hey!" Lauren said angrily. "We are NOT-!" Legolas clapped his other hand over her mouth. We both pouted.
"You need to learn how to hold your tongue, girl!" Eomer said angrily. "You should never speak to your elders, especially ones who have taken you prisoner, in such a tone!"
We both rolled our eyes, and earned another jab from the spears. "YUFF HERMMIFNF UFFINN AFFHOE!!!" I tried to scream. (You heroine using asshole!)
"I say again, what are you doing in the Riddermark?" Eomer asked with a tone of finality.
"We are here representing the Lady Galadriel. We are hunting a band of Orcs."
"Few have escaped the Lady of the Golden Wood. If you have freed yourselves of her, then you may be sorcerers and net-weavers as well," Eomer said, his voice still cold.
"I assure you we are not," Aragorn said, sounding formal. (Yeesh, that's SO annoying.) "The orcs took two of our friends hostage. They are hobbits: mere children to your eyes."
"Hobbits? I thought that those only existed in children's tales." Eomer looked at us like we were insane. (Well, excluding two of us, we weren't.) "But I believe we have already taken care of the orcs for you. They are all dead, and their carcasses are burning." He pointed to a pillar of smoke about three miles away.
"Did you see any small folk?" Gimli asked.
"Nay, we did not. No children, or hobbits, as you call them. I'm sorry to hear of your loss. But you," he said, pointing his spear at Legolas and Gimli. "Why do you not speak? Even your prisoners seem outward."
"Give me your name, horse master, and I will give you mine, and more besides that," Gimli growled.
"The stranger should declare himself first, but I am Eomer, son of Eomund, Third Marshal of Riddermark," Eomer announced grandly.
"Yeah, and you look like a mating bird of paradise," I muttered. Lauren tried SO HARD to not laugh, but she failed miserably.
"Then Eomer son of Eomund, Third Marshal of Riddermark, let Gimli the Dwarf Glóin's son warn you against foolish words. You speak of evil of that which is fair beyond the reach of your though, and only little wit can excuse you," Gimli replied.
"I would cut off your head, beard and all, Mast Dwarf, if it stood but a little higher off the ground," Eomer said, a furious look on his face.
"He stands not alone!" Legolas and I said at the same time. Legolas glared at me and I grinned. He bent his bow, and I drew my sword. "You would die before your stroke fell," we both growled.
"Will you CUT THAT OUT!?" he yelled at me. But I didn't notice, considering the dude that had poked me before dug his spear harshly into my neck.
"Can't... breathe..." I gasped. It was true; his spear had somehow blocked my windpipe.
"Dude!!! She can't breathe!!!" Lauren said angrily. She swatted the spear away from my neck. The man drew back, surprised that someone should be so open.
"Forgive my companions, Eomer," Aragorn said quickly. "We are friend with the Lady of the Wood, and some of our number don't take lightly to offensive words." He glared at Legolas and I.
"What?" I said innocently. Out of nowhere a halo appeared over my head. "Oooh, shiny..." I quickly became distracted, trying to grab it.
"I'm not even gonna ask..." Legolas said, amazed that a golden circlet could appear out of thin air.
"You are forgiven. Go and look for your friends," Eomer said carefully. "But do not let your minds fill with hope. 'Tis forsaken in these lands. I will grant you these two horses." He beckoned, and a servant brought forward a black and a gray horse. "Their names are Arod and Hasufel. Be wary of Arod, Elf, for he is wild." He looked at Legolas, who glared back.
Suddenly, at the back of the group, I heard an angry neighing. I leaped into the air, trying to see over the horses. I saw a gelding* rearing and bucking. He was gorgeous!! He was a chestnut color, with two white feet and a blonde mane and tail. A star, the shape of a tornado symbol (like the ones on the Weather Channel) was on his forehead, right under his forelock.
*For all you people who know nothing about horses, a gelding is a male horse that's been... erm... neutered. Heheh... yes, they cut off the horse's balls. Ouch...
"My lord, what of that horse?" I asked excitedly.
"Ah, child, I don't think you want that horse. We found him galloping freely over the plains. I highly doubt you could handle him."
"Can I at least look at him?" I asked. And then, I gave him the look no adult can ignore. The PUPPY EYES OF DOOM!!!
Eomer melted under my gaze. "Of course. Bring forth the wild one."
Two men dragged a frightened, angry horse to the center of the circle. I slowly approached it.
"Laura! What are you doing!?" Legolas exclaimed angrily, trying to hold me back.
"Lay off, you pelican!" I said angrily. I held out my hand slowly and let the horse sniff it. He looked me in the eyes, and immediately became extremely calm.
"Oh my god..." I muttered.
"What?" everyone else said.
"Duke?" I said, disbelieving. The horse neighed happily.
"OH MY GOD!!!! DUKE!!!!" I threw my arms around the horse's neck. It was Duke!! My horse!! My very own horse that my parents had bought for me!!! "HOW DID YOU GET HERE, YOU SILLY WALNUT HEAD!?" I sobbed happily into his neck. Duke nuzzled my back, nickering.
~Legolas POV~
I stared, disbelieving. How had Laura done that?
"Do you know this horse, child?" Eomer asked, an incredulous look on his face.
"Oh my god, yes! He's mine! My parents bought him for me!!" Laura cried, her arms still around the horse's neck. "The reason he was acting so wild is because he hates being around other horses!"
"Well, child, since the horse obviously knows you, you may keep him."
"Well, DUH!" Laura said angrily. "He's MY horse! Why wouldn't I keep him?"
"Laura! Oh my god!! Hi Duke!" Lauren approached the horse, holding out her hand.
"WEEEEHHEEE!!" the horse trumpeted angrily. Lauren stepped back, terrified.
"Um, Lauren? Maybe you shouldn't get near him," Laura suggested. Duke snorted with a tone of finality.
"Yeah... that sounds like a great idea," Lauren said, her eyes wide with terror.
"Farewell, friends!" Eomer cried. He pointed towards the direction we had come from, and soon the Riders of Rohan were gone, leaving just the three horses and us.
Aragorn, Laura and I mounted our horses. "Come, Gimli! You may ride behind me!" I called to him. He looked up at me, an angry expression on his face.
"God-forsaken beast," he muttered. Arod laid his ears back angrily. I sighed and pulled Gimli up behind me.
"Lauren, you may ride behind me," Aragorn said. Lauren leapt up onto Hasufel's back.
"Yay! I get to ride the pretty black horse!" she said, sticking her tongue out at Lauren.
"Yeah, well I get to ride the prettier chestnut horse which happens to belong to me," Laura retorted. She whispered something into Duke's ear. I swear that horse got a smirk on its face.
Faster than lightning, he lashed out and bit Lauren's leg. "OWEEEE!!!!" she screamed, clutching her knee. "GODDAMNED HORSE!!!" she cried angrily.
Laura and Duke laughed (if it's possible for a horse to laugh). "Serves you right," Laura answered calmly. Duke snorted and shook his head. "Hey, Legolas, you're a good rider, right?" She turned to me.
"I would say so, yes," I answered, becoming a bit scared.
"I thought so," she said offhandedly. "Well, then, wanna race?"
"Laura, you would fall off your horse faster than I could say Elbereth," I shot back.
"Um, actually, I'm one of the best riders at my stable," she said.
"Indeed. Well, I'll race you to the orc pile." I grinned evilly. No way could she beat me.
"Fine!"
"Fine!"
"When I say go, okay?" She glared at me. "Ready... set..." She started galloping. "GO!!!" she called from twenty feet ahead of me.
"YOU LITTLE-!!!" I cried. "Noro lim, Arod!!!" I yelled to my horse.
"NO LEGOLAS!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Gimli wailed as we galloped after her. "OWOWOWOWO!!!!" he said after every bounce.
~Lauren POV~
"GO LAURA!!!" I called from behind Aragorn. "C'mon, Aray!! Let's go!!!" I pleaded, giving him THE PUPPY EYES OF DOOM.
"Oh, fine! Hi-yah!" Aragorn said, kicking into Hasufel's ribs. The horse rocketed off behind the others. "WEE!!! WE'RE GONNA WIN!!!" I screamed happily.
~*~*~*~ Who will win the race? Will Laura and Lauren EVER stop bugging Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli? How exactly did Duke get to Middle-Earth? Will the author ever stop asking these pointless questions? Find out in the next chapter of:
THE TWO FOOLS
Well, my dear peanut-butter eggs, that's the first chapter!!! R & R, please!!!
~Lorenzo the elf girl (alias: LAURA)
Laura: I loathe anyone who says that they own LOTR... yes, even Tolkien, for I am jealous.
Lauren: You really scare me, you know that?
Laura: Of course I do... I'M LAURA!!! I AM THE ROOT OF EVIL!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *cough cough* HAHAHAA!!!
Legolas: Dear Eru, save me!!! *tries to run away... again...*
Lauren and Laura: NEVER, MY DEAR ELF!!!! *lunge at Legolas*
Laura: YOUR dear elf?
Lauren: YOUR dear elf?
Both: *attack each other*
Aragorn: *walking in* What's going on? *sees the two freaks fighting*
Legolas: *braggingly* They're fighting over me... popcorn? *holds out big big BIG tub of popcorn*
Aragorn: Don't mind if I do. *shoves popcorn in his mouth; both sit back and watch Laura and Lauren wrestle*
~*~*~*~*~*~
Chapter 1: Leggy poo and the Giggles of death
~Laura POV~
Ah, so you've come back? Good good. I'm happy that you have. If you're reading this and haven't read Ladies of the Onion Rings, you'll be in the dark. So, I suggest that you read that first... unless you want to be completely confuzzled. *big stupid grin*
So anyways, picking up from the last time that we had our nice discussion about something that you don't really care about...
We were running along behind Aragorn, following the big herd of orcs that held Merry and Pippin captive. I was, quite frankly, pissed. Yes, it WAS "that time of the month"... again. I couldn't believe it! Why oh why did the Valar make "that time of the month"? WHY?? WHY??
*ahem* Anywho, we were trotting along behind Aragorn in this order: Aragorn, Legolas, Lauren, me, and Gimli, who was about twenty feet behind us at all times. Damned fat old dwarves... they're so out of shape. Mind you, Lauren and I had been out of shape, too, just a few weeks ago, when we were running to Lothlorien. But that was a few weeks ago. By now, we were in tip-top shape, trotting happily behind a stinky Ranger and a hot Elf.
"Yes... *pant*... We Dwarves are natural runners... *huff*... Very dangerous over short distances... *collapse*..." Gimli would explain. And, for some reason, it was always me who had to go and help him up when he fell and/or passed out.
After running for about four hours straight, Lauren and I were getting bored.
"I'm bored," I proclaimed.
"So am I," she would answer.
"Let's use the Giggles of Death to annoy a certain trio of men," I suggested.
Lauren cackled evilly. "Let's."
"*giggle giggle*" I said. "*giggle giggle giggle*"
"*chuckle chuckle*" Lauren replied. "*chuckle giggle chuckle*"
"*Snort chuckle giggle*. *giggle giggle chuckle*"
"What in the Valar's name ARE you doing?" Legolas turned around with a very pissed expression.
"Giggles. Of. DEATH!!!" I yelled. He jumped two feet in the air and landed with a soft "plop" on the hard ground.
"Oopsie doopsie!" Lauren and I said at the same time. We both ran and knelt next to him. "*giggle snort chuckle giggle snort*"
~Lauren POV~
Ah, yes... the famed Giggles of Death. We're renowned for them in our high school... perhaps that's why everyone runs away from us when we're laughing... hmmm...
So there we were, slowly killing Princess Puff with our death giggles, when suddenly Laura cried out. "Lookie at what I found!!!" she said happily.
"The brooch of an Elven cloak!" Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas all said at the same time.
"Oooh... shiny..." Laura said, holding it up and staring at it.
"Laura, you fruitcup, you have one, too." I pointed at the pin holding her cloak on.
"Ah, yes... erm... I knew that..." She tossed the brooch to Aragorn and stared at her own. "Shiny..."
"Laura... I think you need therapy," I said simply.
"I do not!!! I already go to Dr. Fosnizzlemaizzle!!! I don't think I need two!!!" She pouted and crossed her arms over her chest.
"Whatever... let's just go!" I took off like a rocket, quickly overtaking Legolas and Aragorn. "Weeee! Lookit me! I'm fast!!"
I heard silent footsteps behind me. Legolas came up on my right, grinning impishly. "You are fast... but I'm faster." He seemed to be having absolutely no trouble... in fact, it looked like he was barely jogging. Suddenly he broke into what I'm guessing was a sprint, and in less than two seconds was nearly twenty feet in front of me.
I stopped and my jaw dropped. Big mistake.
FWAM!!!! Laura ran into me, knocking us both to the ground. "Aw yeah... that's gonna leave a mark..." I heard her mumble.
"Will you two PLEASE stop fooling around?!" Legolas had somehow appeared next to us, and was pulling Laura off of me. "Honestly, I thought that perhaps you might have matured by now."
Laura and I looked at each other, and a smirk formed on our faces. A silent message passed between us. He wants mature? We'll give him mature.
~Legolas POV~
Uh-oh... I knew that smirk. That was the Lauren-and-Laura Smirk of Evilness. (cue evil music here) To be quite honest, I was terrified. That smirk meant nothing good.
I helped both of them up, and then we kept running. I rolled my eyes when I heard the two demon teenagers talking behind me.
"Laura, darling, what do you think about this whole experience, hm?" I heard Lauren ask.
"Oh, dearest Lauren, I DO think it is utterly FASCINATING," Laura answered in an odd accent. (A/N: It's supposed to be a British accent, 'k? Okay, just making sure!!) "Dear Legolas, what is YOUR opinion about this whole experience, hm?"
"I think you should just shut up," I growled.
Lauren gasped. "Legolas, darling! Don't tell me that you don't like our new mature side? My goodness, and it was even YOU who suggested it!" Lauren smacked me gently. "Good gracious, men these days!"
"I DO know what you mean, Lauren darling! I declare, these men! They are such hypocrites!!" Laura exclaimed.
"Hush!" Aragorn said suddenly. I looked up. A large group of horsemen were approaching. I grabbed Laura and Lauren and pulled them behind a boulder.
"Legolas, dear, you're wrinkling my tunic!" they said at the exact same time.
"Will you SHUT THE HELL UP!?" I yelled as loudly as possible without the riders hearing me. I had no idea what "hell" meant... I only used it because whenever Lauren said it to Laura, she would shut up immediately.
Laura and Lauren's eyes grew to be the size of dinner plates. "Leggsie!!! YOU CUSSED!!!" Laura squealed happily. "I'M SO PROUD!!!" She "sobbed" into my shoulder. "My little boy has grown up so fast!!!"
I pushed her away as the riders passed. Aragorn stepped out from behind the rock. "What news of the North, Riders of Rohan?" he called.
~Laura POV~
My little elfy boy!!! He CUSSED!!! I was so proud.
"What news of the North, Riders of Rohan?" Aragorn called after the riders had passed. Faster than I thought possible, they had spun their steeds around and surrounded us in a tight circle. One of the soldiers stuck a spear in my face.
"Will you PLEASE take your over-sized kitchen knife out of my face?" I growled. The soldier glared and lightly stuck me with it. "OW!!!!!" I screamed, even though it didn't even hurt. "THAT'S CHILD ABUSE!!!! CHILD ABUSE, I'M TELLING YOU!!!!"
"Laura!!!" Legolas clapped a hand over my mouth. I was seriously pissed at that point in time.
"What business does an Elf, a Man, a Dwarf and two girl children have in Riddermark? Speak quickly!" one of them men, whom I knew was Eomer, said harshly.
"I am Strider, ranger of the north. My companions are Legolas the elf, Gimli the dwarf, and Laura and Lauren," Aragorn answered.
"Why do you have two children, Ranger?" he asked coldly.
"They are our prisoners," Aragorn answered quickly.
"Hey!" Lauren said angrily. "We are NOT-!" Legolas clapped his other hand over her mouth. We both pouted.
"You need to learn how to hold your tongue, girl!" Eomer said angrily. "You should never speak to your elders, especially ones who have taken you prisoner, in such a tone!"
We both rolled our eyes, and earned another jab from the spears. "YUFF HERMMIFNF UFFINN AFFHOE!!!" I tried to scream. (You heroine using asshole!)
"I say again, what are you doing in the Riddermark?" Eomer asked with a tone of finality.
"We are here representing the Lady Galadriel. We are hunting a band of Orcs."
"Few have escaped the Lady of the Golden Wood. If you have freed yourselves of her, then you may be sorcerers and net-weavers as well," Eomer said, his voice still cold.
"I assure you we are not," Aragorn said, sounding formal. (Yeesh, that's SO annoying.) "The orcs took two of our friends hostage. They are hobbits: mere children to your eyes."
"Hobbits? I thought that those only existed in children's tales." Eomer looked at us like we were insane. (Well, excluding two of us, we weren't.) "But I believe we have already taken care of the orcs for you. They are all dead, and their carcasses are burning." He pointed to a pillar of smoke about three miles away.
"Did you see any small folk?" Gimli asked.
"Nay, we did not. No children, or hobbits, as you call them. I'm sorry to hear of your loss. But you," he said, pointing his spear at Legolas and Gimli. "Why do you not speak? Even your prisoners seem outward."
"Give me your name, horse master, and I will give you mine, and more besides that," Gimli growled.
"The stranger should declare himself first, but I am Eomer, son of Eomund, Third Marshal of Riddermark," Eomer announced grandly.
"Yeah, and you look like a mating bird of paradise," I muttered. Lauren tried SO HARD to not laugh, but she failed miserably.
"Then Eomer son of Eomund, Third Marshal of Riddermark, let Gimli the Dwarf Glóin's son warn you against foolish words. You speak of evil of that which is fair beyond the reach of your though, and only little wit can excuse you," Gimli replied.
"I would cut off your head, beard and all, Mast Dwarf, if it stood but a little higher off the ground," Eomer said, a furious look on his face.
"He stands not alone!" Legolas and I said at the same time. Legolas glared at me and I grinned. He bent his bow, and I drew my sword. "You would die before your stroke fell," we both growled.
"Will you CUT THAT OUT!?" he yelled at me. But I didn't notice, considering the dude that had poked me before dug his spear harshly into my neck.
"Can't... breathe..." I gasped. It was true; his spear had somehow blocked my windpipe.
"Dude!!! She can't breathe!!!" Lauren said angrily. She swatted the spear away from my neck. The man drew back, surprised that someone should be so open.
"Forgive my companions, Eomer," Aragorn said quickly. "We are friend with the Lady of the Wood, and some of our number don't take lightly to offensive words." He glared at Legolas and I.
"What?" I said innocently. Out of nowhere a halo appeared over my head. "Oooh, shiny..." I quickly became distracted, trying to grab it.
"I'm not even gonna ask..." Legolas said, amazed that a golden circlet could appear out of thin air.
"You are forgiven. Go and look for your friends," Eomer said carefully. "But do not let your minds fill with hope. 'Tis forsaken in these lands. I will grant you these two horses." He beckoned, and a servant brought forward a black and a gray horse. "Their names are Arod and Hasufel. Be wary of Arod, Elf, for he is wild." He looked at Legolas, who glared back.
Suddenly, at the back of the group, I heard an angry neighing. I leaped into the air, trying to see over the horses. I saw a gelding* rearing and bucking. He was gorgeous!! He was a chestnut color, with two white feet and a blonde mane and tail. A star, the shape of a tornado symbol (like the ones on the Weather Channel) was on his forehead, right under his forelock.
*For all you people who know nothing about horses, a gelding is a male horse that's been... erm... neutered. Heheh... yes, they cut off the horse's balls. Ouch...
"My lord, what of that horse?" I asked excitedly.
"Ah, child, I don't think you want that horse. We found him galloping freely over the plains. I highly doubt you could handle him."
"Can I at least look at him?" I asked. And then, I gave him the look no adult can ignore. The PUPPY EYES OF DOOM!!!
Eomer melted under my gaze. "Of course. Bring forth the wild one."
Two men dragged a frightened, angry horse to the center of the circle. I slowly approached it.
"Laura! What are you doing!?" Legolas exclaimed angrily, trying to hold me back.
"Lay off, you pelican!" I said angrily. I held out my hand slowly and let the horse sniff it. He looked me in the eyes, and immediately became extremely calm.
"Oh my god..." I muttered.
"What?" everyone else said.
"Duke?" I said, disbelieving. The horse neighed happily.
"OH MY GOD!!!! DUKE!!!!" I threw my arms around the horse's neck. It was Duke!! My horse!! My very own horse that my parents had bought for me!!! "HOW DID YOU GET HERE, YOU SILLY WALNUT HEAD!?" I sobbed happily into his neck. Duke nuzzled my back, nickering.
~Legolas POV~
I stared, disbelieving. How had Laura done that?
"Do you know this horse, child?" Eomer asked, an incredulous look on his face.
"Oh my god, yes! He's mine! My parents bought him for me!!" Laura cried, her arms still around the horse's neck. "The reason he was acting so wild is because he hates being around other horses!"
"Well, child, since the horse obviously knows you, you may keep him."
"Well, DUH!" Laura said angrily. "He's MY horse! Why wouldn't I keep him?"
"Laura! Oh my god!! Hi Duke!" Lauren approached the horse, holding out her hand.
"WEEEEHHEEE!!" the horse trumpeted angrily. Lauren stepped back, terrified.
"Um, Lauren? Maybe you shouldn't get near him," Laura suggested. Duke snorted with a tone of finality.
"Yeah... that sounds like a great idea," Lauren said, her eyes wide with terror.
"Farewell, friends!" Eomer cried. He pointed towards the direction we had come from, and soon the Riders of Rohan were gone, leaving just the three horses and us.
Aragorn, Laura and I mounted our horses. "Come, Gimli! You may ride behind me!" I called to him. He looked up at me, an angry expression on his face.
"God-forsaken beast," he muttered. Arod laid his ears back angrily. I sighed and pulled Gimli up behind me.
"Lauren, you may ride behind me," Aragorn said. Lauren leapt up onto Hasufel's back.
"Yay! I get to ride the pretty black horse!" she said, sticking her tongue out at Lauren.
"Yeah, well I get to ride the prettier chestnut horse which happens to belong to me," Laura retorted. She whispered something into Duke's ear. I swear that horse got a smirk on its face.
Faster than lightning, he lashed out and bit Lauren's leg. "OWEEEE!!!!" she screamed, clutching her knee. "GODDAMNED HORSE!!!" she cried angrily.
Laura and Duke laughed (if it's possible for a horse to laugh). "Serves you right," Laura answered calmly. Duke snorted and shook his head. "Hey, Legolas, you're a good rider, right?" She turned to me.
"I would say so, yes," I answered, becoming a bit scared.
"I thought so," she said offhandedly. "Well, then, wanna race?"
"Laura, you would fall off your horse faster than I could say Elbereth," I shot back.
"Um, actually, I'm one of the best riders at my stable," she said.
"Indeed. Well, I'll race you to the orc pile." I grinned evilly. No way could she beat me.
"Fine!"
"Fine!"
"When I say go, okay?" She glared at me. "Ready... set..." She started galloping. "GO!!!" she called from twenty feet ahead of me.
"YOU LITTLE-!!!" I cried. "Noro lim, Arod!!!" I yelled to my horse.
"NO LEGOLAS!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Gimli wailed as we galloped after her. "OWOWOWOWO!!!!" he said after every bounce.
~Lauren POV~
"GO LAURA!!!" I called from behind Aragorn. "C'mon, Aray!! Let's go!!!" I pleaded, giving him THE PUPPY EYES OF DOOM.
"Oh, fine! Hi-yah!" Aragorn said, kicking into Hasufel's ribs. The horse rocketed off behind the others. "WEE!!! WE'RE GONNA WIN!!!" I screamed happily.
~*~*~*~ Who will win the race? Will Laura and Lauren EVER stop bugging Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli? How exactly did Duke get to Middle-Earth? Will the author ever stop asking these pointless questions? Find out in the next chapter of:
THE TWO FOOLS
Well, my dear peanut-butter eggs, that's the first chapter!!! R & R, please!!!
~Lorenzo the elf girl (alias: LAURA)