Help Myself, an inuyasha fanfic

Disclaimer: I do not own his great fluffy-ness.

AN: This is one of my more poorly written pieces and revising it has been somewhat of a challenge. Nevertheless I think I have made it about as tolerable as a songfic can be. Please let me know what you think!

Help Myself

(I'm Still Holding Out For You)

Never thought I'd be in this place
It's someone else's life I'm living
Wish I were living a lie

It was morning in the western lands. Sesshoumaru felt the sunlight hit his face and with a grunt he opened his eyes. Half-heartedly, he prepared a list of reasons to stay in bed a little longer. Facing a new day no longer held any real appeal. But more and more now, all his bed did was remind him of how terribly alone his nights were.

The hardest part is when the bough breaks
Falling down and then forgiving
You didn't even kiss me goodbye

He'd never given credit to the little toad-demon, but Jaken had done an excellent job of making Sesshoumaru's morning routine as mechanized as possible. The first half of the day consisted of a quick survey of his lands, a light breakfast and writing correspondences to the other nearby demon lords.

It never mattered if it was pouring rain, blowing torrents of wind or if it was the most beautiful day – Sesshoumaru never paid it any mind. All he seemed capable of seeing was a contagious sort of melancholy in the air.

I'm choking on the words I didn't get to say
And pray I get the chance one day

After all this time her scent still clung to the walls of his fortress. Somewhere in the back of his mind he wondered if this wasn't the reason he had taken to spending all of his time indoors. The smell kept him calm as he quieted disputes among the other demon lords that visited his war room for mediation. It was only Sesshoumaru-sama that could cool the tempers of the powerful creatures long enough to get them all to agree.

I still run
I still swing open the door
I still think you'll be there like before
Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around
Some things a heart won't listen to
I'm still holding out for you

Spring was the season that he hated most. Every time it arrived the overwhelming smell of the season's blooms hit the air. When it caught his nose he'd find himself turning around towards the source of the smell only to be crushed by bitter disappointment. Oftentimes he thought his heart would break in two at the pain of the throbbing emptiness of it all.

I can hear ya smile in the dark
I can even feel your breathing
When daylight chases the ghost

Lately he had become more careless. When he took a bath he'd find himself throwing his head back to rest on the soft shoulder he'd come to know only to hit his head on the hard edges of the hot spring. Sometimes in his sleep he'd reach out to her and search for her in vain only to remember that she was no longer there. Sometimes…when he saw the eyes of the child he'd think they were hers.

I see your coat and I fall apart
To those hints of you I'm clinging
Now's when I need them most

Shamefully, he had avoided the child for most of her life. She had been well taken care of. She had never wanted for anything. It was only on the rare occasions that she caught up with him and he got lost in those eyes that he'd call for Jaken. It was only on those days that the three would leave the fortress.

I should get up, dry my eyes and move ahead
At least that's what he would have said

The tired dog demon walked along the worn path with his two companions. The first was the pretty young girl with dark hair and bright innocent eyes dressed in a clean, simple kimono. The other was a green, toddling toad demon. Both looked tired but the girl had a sweet smile on her face as she looked up at the indifferent dog demon.

"Sesshoumaru-sama, are we there yet?"

She didn't have to wait for his answer. They had already reached the field of wildflowers. Sesshoumaru nodded expectantly towards the child and she bounded off towards the middle of the field. Halfway there she turned around and bowed her thanks to her silent guardian.

"Thank you Sesshoumaru-Sama."

Faithfully I trace your name while you sleep
It's the only true comfort I feel

Both demons remained silent as the girl picked all the loveliest flowers. She seemed at home among the, a flower child herself. That familiar, dull ache hit Sesshoumaru again as she returned to his side. She carried with her two elegant bouquets and handed one to him. For an instant he was struck by her. They were so alike but it hurt him so much to remember. They had become family through association, he had never really been able to let her into his heart. He wasn't sure he had one anymore. That part of him was probably long gone…with her.

I still run
I still swing open the door
I still think you'll be there like before

They continued their journey into the sunset. It wasn't long before they reached the cemetery, if one could call it that. The marker was simple but it was clear that the area had been cared for tenderly. Suddenly more demure, the girl took her bouquet and placed it upon the stone. Her sad voice murmured into the air as she bowed respectfully,

"Hello Rin-mama"

The girl went over the recent events of her life as she always did on these visits. She'd grown such and such inches, Jaken had taught her this new trick, Sesshoumaru had smiled at her so and so number of times. When she was satisfied with her report she allowed Jaken to escort her back home. She knew that Sesshoumaru always stayed behind for a little longer, though she was never sure why.

"He wants time alone with your mother." Jaken would remark, whenever she asked.

As soon as they were out of earshot Sesshoumaru could take it no more. He dropped on his knees and let out an agonizing howl. Every living thing in the area scurried away; leaving Sesshoumaru alone with his grief. He'd known she was human. He'd known that their child would only ever remind him of her. But he'd never expected his heart to go with Rin when she died.

An: ~sniffs~ So sad. . . please review.