Tupelo Jack
A Will and Grace fanfic by Pjazz
2003
INT. GRACE'S DESIGN STUDIO.
PHONE RINGS. KAREN ANSWERS.
KAREN
Grace Adler's.....whatever whatever.
GRACE MOUTHS - DESIGN STUDIO.
KAREN
Grace Adler's De...vine....voodoo. (BEAT) What am I wearing? Funny you should ask, honey. Saks had a sale on. I bought the entire stock. Yeah. What else can you do?
(BEAT) What panties am I wearing? Black, stringy and transparent.
Just the way I like my men. (BEAT) What's that, honey? - Oh oh oh you're coming?
Coming where? Here? Honey, you're not making any sense. (HANGS UP)
GRACE
Obscene caller?
KAREN
No, hon. It was your father.
JACK ENTERS
JACK
Omigod! You'll never guess what.
I've been chosen to play the lead role in 'Tupelo Tales',
a new off-off-off-off Broadway show.
GRACE
Off-off-off-off Broadway? Where's that?
KAREN
It's a lockdown garage in Scranton, New Jersey.
JACK
'Tupelo Tales' is a show about Elvis Presley growing up in Tupelo, Mississippi.
I play the part of the teenage King of Rock and Roll.
GRACE AND KAREN CRACK UP WITH LAUGHTER
JACK
What, pray tell, is so funny about that?
GRACE
Oh so many things. Where to start? One, you as a teenager.
KAREN
Two, you as a teenager.
JACK
I can pass for 18.
GRACE
In a dress size!
KAREN
C'mon, Jack, honey, you can't be serious.
Elvis was fat, wore nappies and died on the can.
But gay? Don't take away his dignity.
JACK
Obviously I play the role straight.
GRACE AND KAREN CRACK UP
JACK
I can play straight. Grace, nice buns. Karen, great rack.
I'd really like to do you. Both.
KAREN
Honey, I've been hit on by more manly ballerinas.
GRACE
What songs do you sing? 'Love Me Bender?'
KAREN
'Gay Down?'
GRACE
'That's Alright, Papa?'
KAREN
'Heartbreak Hottie?'
GRACE
'Return to Bender?'
KAREN
Tie me up and spank me sideways?
GRACE
That's not a song.
KAREN
Honey, I was thinking out loud.
JACK
You'll see. My Elvis will be the toast of Broadway.
KAREN
I'll drink to that, honey. Hell, I'll drink to anything.
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.
JACK AND HIS UNDERSTUDY, JOSE, A VERY HOT HISPANIC, ARE REHERSING 'TUPELO TALES'.
WILL AND GRACE ENTER
THEY SPOT JOSE.
WILL/GRACE
Whoa!
JACK
Hey, guys. This is Jose. He's my understudy in 'Tupelo Tales'.
WILL/GRACE
Delighted to meet you, Jose.
WILL
Grace, a quick word in the kitchen.
W AND G HUDDLE
WILL
Hands off. He's mine.
GRACE
The hell he is.
WILL
I saw him first.
GRACE
The hell you did.
WILL
He's obviously gay.
GRACE
The hell he is.
WILL
Will you stop saying 'the hell' after everything I say.
GRACE
The hell I will. And how is he gay?
WILL
Look how firm his ass is.
GRACE
Oh yeah. That is the firmest ass in the history of......ass.
WILL
See those tight pants. They hug his butt like the smooth caress of an intimate lover.
GRACE
I see. I want. I'm having.
WILL
We'll see about that. Let battle commence.
(TO JOSE) Jose, can I get you anything to drink?
Mineral water? Beer?
GRACE
Coffee? Tea? Me?
WILL
Cookies? Tortilla chips?
GRACE
Care for some nipples? - sorry - some nibbles?
JOSE
We really should press on. Opening night's a few days away.
JACK
I'm so excited!
WILL
Me too. More than I can say.
GRACE
And me. I haven't been this excited since......I was last this excited.
INT. WILL'S AAPARTMENT.
JACK AND JOSE ARE REHERSING DANCE MOVES.
WILL AND GRACE WATCH FROM THE COUCH.
GRACE
God, look at him move. He's like a feline cat, only with male bits.
WILL
It's like Nureyev meets Brando, in tight denhim pants.
GRACE
I'm so wet I feel like I'm melting.
WILL
I haven't uncrossed my legs in 2 hours.
GRACE
Why not?
WILL POINTS AT HIS GROIN
GRACE
Seriously, why not? --OH! Two hours? A new record for you.
JACK TRIES A MOVE AND CLUTCHES HIS BACK
JACK
Damn! I think I've just popped a disc.
JOSE
Easy, man. Perhaps you'd better lie down. Get some rest.
WILL
Good idea, Jose. Use my bedroom.
JACK EXITS
WILL
Like a beer, Jose?
JOSE
Beer would be great, thanks.
BENT DOUBLE, WILL SCUTTLES TO THE KITCHEN
JOSE
You ok?
WILL
Fine. Little muscle spasm of my own.
GRACE
Will gets it all the time. He's so old and out of shape.
WILL
Well at least I'm not shrewish and overbearing.
GRACE
You take that back!
WILL
Shan't!
GRACE
Shall!
JOSE
Actually, I think Grace looks nice. Very supple.
GRACE
Score!
JOSE
Sorry?
GRACE
I said...are you sure?
JOSE
Absolutely. Can you touch your toes?
GRACE
I can touch anything you want me to touch. I'm very bendy.
WILL
I used to study ballet.
GRACE
Oh please. The only thing you studied was Nureyev's groin.
WILL
At least I didn't stuff tomatoes down my bra at High School Prom dance.
GRACE
You promised never to tell! And they weren't tomatoes they were....cantaloupes.
WILL
At swim meet Grace forgot to bikini wax and all the girls called her Grace the Gorilla.
And the teachers.
GRACE
Will likes Barry Manilow records!
WILL
Hey! I think the words to 'Copacabana' are lyrically very clever.
GRACE
(MOCKS) 'Lyrically very clever!'
Will split his pants in the chorus line of 'Guys and Dolls'.
WILL
They were a size too small!
GRACE
Oh they all they that, Mr pantsplitter. And he got an erection in Religious Studies'.
WILL
Father Thomas was hot. For a man of the cloth.
JOSE
Perhaps I better go.
WILL?GRACE
NO!
WILL
No, please stay and continue rehersing.
GRACE
We'll behave. Promise.
KNOCK ON DOOR. KAREN ENTERS.
KAREN
Hi, Wilma. You seen Jack?
WILL
He's in the bedroom. He's put his back out.
JOSE
Well well. Karen Walker.
KAREN
That's me, honey. Who are you? I never forget a face.
Especially one I'd like to sit on.
JOSE
You don't remember me, do you?
KAREN
Can't say that I do.
JOSE
Jose Menendez. Your maid Rosario is my aunt.
KAREN
You're little Jose? Why I remember you.
You used to run around our house in the hamptons.
JOSE
She remembers now. Do you remember what you used to shout at me?
'Who let that little wetback in here? Someone call immigration.'
KAREN
Ah, happy days.
JOSE
Once I went swimming in the Sound. You shouted - 'Look at that kid go.
Just what the world needs, a Cuban who can swim.'
KAREN
Stop it, honey, you're bringing tears to my eyes.
JOSE
There were times I wanted to tie you up and thrash you.
KAREN
Maybe later, honey. Give me a call. You've got my number.
JOSE
Where is my aunt? Out doing your drudgery on the lickspittle pittance you pay her?
KAREN
That's right, hon. Rosario's getting her mustache waxed.
Then she's got prescriptions to forge and street dealers to meet. Same old same old.
JOSE
You're the reason I'm doing this show.
To earn enough money to go to law school and rid the world of parasites like you.
WILL
I went to law school. I'm an attorney.
JOSE
Do you help my people throw off the shackles of oppression?
GRACE
No. He helps rich white guys get even richer.
JOSE
Then you are no friend of mine.
GRACE
Score!
JOSE
I despise being in the same room as you.
GRACE
Score!
JOSE
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with my girlfriend.(EXITS)
WILL
Score!
GRACE
Damn! I did so not see that coming.
INT. THEATRE BACKSTAGE.
JACK IS PREPARING TO PREFORM 'TUPELO TALES'
HE HAS A FAKE ELVIS WIG ON.
JACK
Is my wig straight?
WILL
Don't worry. It's as gay as the rest of you.
GRACE
Good luck, Jack.
JACK
Thanks, Grace. Where's Jose?
He's my understudy. He's meant to be here.
GRACE
I don't know. I haven't seen him anywhere.
JACK
It's very unprofessional of him.
GRACE
I know. I'm sorry.
JACK
God, I'm so nervous.
WILL
You'll be fine.
JACK
There's my cue. Wish me luck.
WILL
Good luck. Break a leg.
JACK WALKS ON STAGE, TRIPS, AND FALLS FLAT ON HIS FACE.
WILL
Not literally, you idiot!
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT. NEXT MORNING.
WILL AND JACK SEATED ON THE COUCH
JACK
Omigod! I can't wait to read the reviews. Where are the papers?
WILL
Grace has gone out to buy them.
JACK
I hope the critics like we as much as the audience.
WILL
Jack, half the audience left during the interval. Didn't you notice?
JACK
I thought it was a fire drill.
WILL
One guy from Memphis stood up and yelled if you ever set foot in his
home town he'd see you hung. Didn't you hear him?
JACK
I thought he was telling me I was well hung.
GRACE AND KAREN ENTER
WILL
Karen? What are you doing here this early in the morning?
KAREN
What d'you mean, honey? The night is still young.
WILL
It's 8 0'clock.
KAREN
Like I said, the night is still young.
JACK
Read the reviews! Read the reviews!
WILL
Ok. Here's one.
'Post'. 'In Tupelo Tales Jack McFarlane played the King of Rock and Roll as a mincing, talentless fairy. This critic was appalled.'
JACK
Appalled? Does that mean he liked me?
GRACE
'Times' 'If Elvis wasn't already spinning in his grave, he sure is now.'
WILL
'Clarion' 'Jack McFarlane didn't so much sully Elvis's reputation
as drag it through an open sewer.'
GRACE
'Bugle' 'Jack McFarlane is to showbusiness what pigs are to sh---'
JACK
Stop! Enough. It's official. I sucked.
WILL
It wasn't that bad.
But perhaps it was a mistake to stuff the microphone down the front of your pants
when you sang 'Love Me Tender'.
JACK
I was being ironic.
GRACE
It was ironic that you sounded better.
JACK
I wish Jose was here. He'd know how to cheer me up.
GRACE
I wonder what happened to him.
KAREN
Honey, I had Jose deported.
WILL
What? Why?
KAREN
He was an illegal alien, honey. We can't have them stealing all our jobs.
WILL
Karen, you've never worked a day in your life.
KAREN
Your point being?
GRACE
Look, here's one. 'Sun' 'In the lead role, Jack McFarlane was adequate.'
JACK
Adequate? Then I'm not a failure. I'm adequate.
WILL
High praise indeed.
THE END
***
Enjoy the script? Let me know at [email protected]
Or post a review at fanfiction.net
***
A Will and Grace fanfic by Pjazz
2003
INT. GRACE'S DESIGN STUDIO.
PHONE RINGS. KAREN ANSWERS.
KAREN
Grace Adler's.....whatever whatever.
GRACE MOUTHS - DESIGN STUDIO.
KAREN
Grace Adler's De...vine....voodoo. (BEAT) What am I wearing? Funny you should ask, honey. Saks had a sale on. I bought the entire stock. Yeah. What else can you do?
(BEAT) What panties am I wearing? Black, stringy and transparent.
Just the way I like my men. (BEAT) What's that, honey? - Oh oh oh you're coming?
Coming where? Here? Honey, you're not making any sense. (HANGS UP)
GRACE
Obscene caller?
KAREN
No, hon. It was your father.
JACK ENTERS
JACK
Omigod! You'll never guess what.
I've been chosen to play the lead role in 'Tupelo Tales',
a new off-off-off-off Broadway show.
GRACE
Off-off-off-off Broadway? Where's that?
KAREN
It's a lockdown garage in Scranton, New Jersey.
JACK
'Tupelo Tales' is a show about Elvis Presley growing up in Tupelo, Mississippi.
I play the part of the teenage King of Rock and Roll.
GRACE AND KAREN CRACK UP WITH LAUGHTER
JACK
What, pray tell, is so funny about that?
GRACE
Oh so many things. Where to start? One, you as a teenager.
KAREN
Two, you as a teenager.
JACK
I can pass for 18.
GRACE
In a dress size!
KAREN
C'mon, Jack, honey, you can't be serious.
Elvis was fat, wore nappies and died on the can.
But gay? Don't take away his dignity.
JACK
Obviously I play the role straight.
GRACE AND KAREN CRACK UP
JACK
I can play straight. Grace, nice buns. Karen, great rack.
I'd really like to do you. Both.
KAREN
Honey, I've been hit on by more manly ballerinas.
GRACE
What songs do you sing? 'Love Me Bender?'
KAREN
'Gay Down?'
GRACE
'That's Alright, Papa?'
KAREN
'Heartbreak Hottie?'
GRACE
'Return to Bender?'
KAREN
Tie me up and spank me sideways?
GRACE
That's not a song.
KAREN
Honey, I was thinking out loud.
JACK
You'll see. My Elvis will be the toast of Broadway.
KAREN
I'll drink to that, honey. Hell, I'll drink to anything.
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.
JACK AND HIS UNDERSTUDY, JOSE, A VERY HOT HISPANIC, ARE REHERSING 'TUPELO TALES'.
WILL AND GRACE ENTER
THEY SPOT JOSE.
WILL/GRACE
Whoa!
JACK
Hey, guys. This is Jose. He's my understudy in 'Tupelo Tales'.
WILL/GRACE
Delighted to meet you, Jose.
WILL
Grace, a quick word in the kitchen.
W AND G HUDDLE
WILL
Hands off. He's mine.
GRACE
The hell he is.
WILL
I saw him first.
GRACE
The hell you did.
WILL
He's obviously gay.
GRACE
The hell he is.
WILL
Will you stop saying 'the hell' after everything I say.
GRACE
The hell I will. And how is he gay?
WILL
Look how firm his ass is.
GRACE
Oh yeah. That is the firmest ass in the history of......ass.
WILL
See those tight pants. They hug his butt like the smooth caress of an intimate lover.
GRACE
I see. I want. I'm having.
WILL
We'll see about that. Let battle commence.
(TO JOSE) Jose, can I get you anything to drink?
Mineral water? Beer?
GRACE
Coffee? Tea? Me?
WILL
Cookies? Tortilla chips?
GRACE
Care for some nipples? - sorry - some nibbles?
JOSE
We really should press on. Opening night's a few days away.
JACK
I'm so excited!
WILL
Me too. More than I can say.
GRACE
And me. I haven't been this excited since......I was last this excited.
INT. WILL'S AAPARTMENT.
JACK AND JOSE ARE REHERSING DANCE MOVES.
WILL AND GRACE WATCH FROM THE COUCH.
GRACE
God, look at him move. He's like a feline cat, only with male bits.
WILL
It's like Nureyev meets Brando, in tight denhim pants.
GRACE
I'm so wet I feel like I'm melting.
WILL
I haven't uncrossed my legs in 2 hours.
GRACE
Why not?
WILL POINTS AT HIS GROIN
GRACE
Seriously, why not? --OH! Two hours? A new record for you.
JACK TRIES A MOVE AND CLUTCHES HIS BACK
JACK
Damn! I think I've just popped a disc.
JOSE
Easy, man. Perhaps you'd better lie down. Get some rest.
WILL
Good idea, Jose. Use my bedroom.
JACK EXITS
WILL
Like a beer, Jose?
JOSE
Beer would be great, thanks.
BENT DOUBLE, WILL SCUTTLES TO THE KITCHEN
JOSE
You ok?
WILL
Fine. Little muscle spasm of my own.
GRACE
Will gets it all the time. He's so old and out of shape.
WILL
Well at least I'm not shrewish and overbearing.
GRACE
You take that back!
WILL
Shan't!
GRACE
Shall!
JOSE
Actually, I think Grace looks nice. Very supple.
GRACE
Score!
JOSE
Sorry?
GRACE
I said...are you sure?
JOSE
Absolutely. Can you touch your toes?
GRACE
I can touch anything you want me to touch. I'm very bendy.
WILL
I used to study ballet.
GRACE
Oh please. The only thing you studied was Nureyev's groin.
WILL
At least I didn't stuff tomatoes down my bra at High School Prom dance.
GRACE
You promised never to tell! And they weren't tomatoes they were....cantaloupes.
WILL
At swim meet Grace forgot to bikini wax and all the girls called her Grace the Gorilla.
And the teachers.
GRACE
Will likes Barry Manilow records!
WILL
Hey! I think the words to 'Copacabana' are lyrically very clever.
GRACE
(MOCKS) 'Lyrically very clever!'
Will split his pants in the chorus line of 'Guys and Dolls'.
WILL
They were a size too small!
GRACE
Oh they all they that, Mr pantsplitter. And he got an erection in Religious Studies'.
WILL
Father Thomas was hot. For a man of the cloth.
JOSE
Perhaps I better go.
WILL?GRACE
NO!
WILL
No, please stay and continue rehersing.
GRACE
We'll behave. Promise.
KNOCK ON DOOR. KAREN ENTERS.
KAREN
Hi, Wilma. You seen Jack?
WILL
He's in the bedroom. He's put his back out.
JOSE
Well well. Karen Walker.
KAREN
That's me, honey. Who are you? I never forget a face.
Especially one I'd like to sit on.
JOSE
You don't remember me, do you?
KAREN
Can't say that I do.
JOSE
Jose Menendez. Your maid Rosario is my aunt.
KAREN
You're little Jose? Why I remember you.
You used to run around our house in the hamptons.
JOSE
She remembers now. Do you remember what you used to shout at me?
'Who let that little wetback in here? Someone call immigration.'
KAREN
Ah, happy days.
JOSE
Once I went swimming in the Sound. You shouted - 'Look at that kid go.
Just what the world needs, a Cuban who can swim.'
KAREN
Stop it, honey, you're bringing tears to my eyes.
JOSE
There were times I wanted to tie you up and thrash you.
KAREN
Maybe later, honey. Give me a call. You've got my number.
JOSE
Where is my aunt? Out doing your drudgery on the lickspittle pittance you pay her?
KAREN
That's right, hon. Rosario's getting her mustache waxed.
Then she's got prescriptions to forge and street dealers to meet. Same old same old.
JOSE
You're the reason I'm doing this show.
To earn enough money to go to law school and rid the world of parasites like you.
WILL
I went to law school. I'm an attorney.
JOSE
Do you help my people throw off the shackles of oppression?
GRACE
No. He helps rich white guys get even richer.
JOSE
Then you are no friend of mine.
GRACE
Score!
JOSE
I despise being in the same room as you.
GRACE
Score!
JOSE
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with my girlfriend.(EXITS)
WILL
Score!
GRACE
Damn! I did so not see that coming.
INT. THEATRE BACKSTAGE.
JACK IS PREPARING TO PREFORM 'TUPELO TALES'
HE HAS A FAKE ELVIS WIG ON.
JACK
Is my wig straight?
WILL
Don't worry. It's as gay as the rest of you.
GRACE
Good luck, Jack.
JACK
Thanks, Grace. Where's Jose?
He's my understudy. He's meant to be here.
GRACE
I don't know. I haven't seen him anywhere.
JACK
It's very unprofessional of him.
GRACE
I know. I'm sorry.
JACK
God, I'm so nervous.
WILL
You'll be fine.
JACK
There's my cue. Wish me luck.
WILL
Good luck. Break a leg.
JACK WALKS ON STAGE, TRIPS, AND FALLS FLAT ON HIS FACE.
WILL
Not literally, you idiot!
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT. NEXT MORNING.
WILL AND JACK SEATED ON THE COUCH
JACK
Omigod! I can't wait to read the reviews. Where are the papers?
WILL
Grace has gone out to buy them.
JACK
I hope the critics like we as much as the audience.
WILL
Jack, half the audience left during the interval. Didn't you notice?
JACK
I thought it was a fire drill.
WILL
One guy from Memphis stood up and yelled if you ever set foot in his
home town he'd see you hung. Didn't you hear him?
JACK
I thought he was telling me I was well hung.
GRACE AND KAREN ENTER
WILL
Karen? What are you doing here this early in the morning?
KAREN
What d'you mean, honey? The night is still young.
WILL
It's 8 0'clock.
KAREN
Like I said, the night is still young.
JACK
Read the reviews! Read the reviews!
WILL
Ok. Here's one.
'Post'. 'In Tupelo Tales Jack McFarlane played the King of Rock and Roll as a mincing, talentless fairy. This critic was appalled.'
JACK
Appalled? Does that mean he liked me?
GRACE
'Times' 'If Elvis wasn't already spinning in his grave, he sure is now.'
WILL
'Clarion' 'Jack McFarlane didn't so much sully Elvis's reputation
as drag it through an open sewer.'
GRACE
'Bugle' 'Jack McFarlane is to showbusiness what pigs are to sh---'
JACK
Stop! Enough. It's official. I sucked.
WILL
It wasn't that bad.
But perhaps it was a mistake to stuff the microphone down the front of your pants
when you sang 'Love Me Tender'.
JACK
I was being ironic.
GRACE
It was ironic that you sounded better.
JACK
I wish Jose was here. He'd know how to cheer me up.
GRACE
I wonder what happened to him.
KAREN
Honey, I had Jose deported.
WILL
What? Why?
KAREN
He was an illegal alien, honey. We can't have them stealing all our jobs.
WILL
Karen, you've never worked a day in your life.
KAREN
Your point being?
GRACE
Look, here's one. 'Sun' 'In the lead role, Jack McFarlane was adequate.'
JACK
Adequate? Then I'm not a failure. I'm adequate.
WILL
High praise indeed.
THE END
***
Enjoy the script? Let me know at [email protected]
Or post a review at fanfiction.net
***