Disclaimer: I do no own Inuyasha nor any characters related to him. That honor and privilege belong to Rumiko Takahashi. I am, however, the master of my own Fate and keeper of my own Destiny. We should all be so fortunate.
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Regrets
Chapter one: Losing Her
Regret is a basic human emotion. It teaches us to take chances, and to cherish those moments that we hope will last forever. It also teaches us humility and, sometimes, strengthens us for the path ahead. Missed chances, things left unsaid, issues unresolved; these are the tools of regret. Fate is not always kind, but sometimes missed chances can be regained. When this happens, wise is he who takes a chance, and reaches out to grasp it firmly in both clawed hands.
Inuyasha's POV
It's been a year. A year since the Jewel was completed and our journey ended. A year since my heart slipped through my claws, jumped in the well, and never returned; a year full of loneliness and pain, a year of deep sorrow and soul-shattering regret. They say that regret is a human emotion. They have said the same about love. Yet, even though I am neither, I fell them both; feel them strongly. I feel them so strongly, in fact that those two emotions drown out everything else in my life.
Indecisiveness is also a Human feeling, and it was my own indecisiveness that drove the wedge between us, even if I didn't notice at the time. It was still my inability to make a clear choice, the almost overpowering need to not be hurt again, that caused me to hurt the one most precious to me; Kagome. I guess that side of my nature, that Human side that I hated so much, will always show through-when I think of her. And that's okay. She taught me that.
My life no longer holds the meaning that it used to. Fights are only for survival. Survival of me, my companions, and the village we settled in and agreed to protect. I no longer have the heart to go in search of the battles that used to heat my blood and send my heart racing. My brother no longer pursues me for our father's sword. When last we met, he called me pathetic and weak. He said that it wasn't worth his time to fight someone with no spirit. Oddly, it didn't bother me as it once would have. I no longer have anyone to be strong for and protect, so what was the point. If it would have brought her back, I would have given him want he wanted, but it won't. She is gone, and it is entirely my fault!
How could I have let this happen?! How could I let the one person who means more to me than life itself slip away?! If anyone ever tells you that regret is a sweet emotion, they are very wrong. It's bitter-a bitter so harsh that the taste and smell of it drive you to distraction forever.
I remember vividly the day she left us. We were fighting again, her and me. Well, sort of, for this was unlike any fight we had ever had; except maybe for when I told her that I had chosen Kikyo. Truthfully, though, it was my fault we were fighting. Damn my stubborn pride and arrogance! If I had left well enough alone, if I had had the guts to tell her what was in my heart, she probably would never have left us…Never have left me.
~Flashback-The Day She Left~
"Please, don't," she said simply. There were so many emotions in those deep brown eyes that, at the time, I couldn't put a name to. Looking back I realize, they were emotions that I shared; I was just too damn stubborn to admit it. There was pain there, and sorrow. Pain and sorrow for what had been and what she thought would never be; but also a muted joy for a quest fulfilled and, I realize now, an unflinching love for the one most unworthy of her.
"Please, Inuyasha. Don't go to her."
"I have to, Kagome. Damn it, you know that, and you know my reasons," I snapped at her. I remember thinking how tired I was of this argument. We'd been having it a lot lately- ever since we defeated Naraku, in fact. "I promised her that I would see that she found peace. I have to, even if it means going with her to Hell."
"But, I…," she trailed off. She had something on her mind, I could tell. I wish now that she had voiced what she was thinking. I guess now I'll never know what was going through that wench's head.
"…I need you." She said that last so softly that I would never have heard her if I were Human. I didn't answer her. She knew how good my ears were and it was pretty obvious to me that I wasn't meant to hear her last admission.
I wasn't prepared for what happened next. I should have been, but I wasn't. None of us were.
"Fine," she said, as though she had come to some sort of decision. Had I known what she was thinking, I would have stopped her. That is yet another regret to add to the rather lengthy list. "If you want to throw away the rest of your life, who am I to stop you? It's obvious that she is the only one that you care about! I was a fool to think…" she stopped whatever she was going to say, a sob in her voice. I was too stunned to wonder at it as she continued. "Go! Go and find Kikyo! Go to Hell with her, for all I care!" She was screaming by this time and tears flowed unnoticed down her face. I really hated it when she cried. "Just know, Inuyasha that I will not be here to see it! I'm going home, and this time I won't be coming back!"
Before I could react to her tirade, she had grabbed her bag and all but flew down the trail that led to the well. As I stood there, stunned and unable to summon the thought to go after her, the rest of our wayward band came out of Kaede's hut. They heard the whole thing. They couldn't help but hear it; we had been standing in front of the hut. They were as shocked as I was; even the kit was silent. Then the voice of reason, in the form of the monk, broke me out of my shock.
"Inuyasha! Are you not going after Lady Kagome? I think she meant it this time; I would not care to think that your last words to each other were said in anger."
Last words...? What? Oh, shit! She … She was serious. She meant it. I can't let her go without telling her…Without telling her that… That I…
With these thoughts still ringing in my head, I took off after her. She had a pretty good heads start, but I ain't half-demon for nothin'. I caught her as she was about to jump into the well. I mean that literally. I reached down and caught her pack as she cleared the top. I pulled her out; and said to her what she had said to me, hoping that these words would make her think, "Please, don't."
Big mistake.
"Put! Me! Down!" She was angry. Very angry. "I told you. I'm going and you can't stop me."
She was right, of course. It only took one word and I would be eating dirt. I used to hate it, but she didn't say it that much anymore. Lately, though, when she did say the word, I deserved it. Usually.
Her voice and expression softened, "Please, Inuyasha. Don't make this harder than it already is. I-I'm letting you go. Please, do the same for me."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing and all of a sudden, it made me very angry. Here I was, trying to stop her and tell her how I felt; and she was letting me go. I couldn't believe the bitch. So I dropped her on her ass beside the well. "Fine, then. Go. I won't stop you." You obviously don't feel the same way I do. And I turned my back on the best thing that had ever happened to me.
I heard her sob and when I turned to look, to comfort her-stop her, she was gone. The last thing I heard was "I loved you, Inuyasha."
What! Did she just say…? "Kaggoommee!"
It felt like my heart had broken into a million pieces. I jumped in to follow her-it had always worked before. But instead of the black/blue/purple glow that always heralded the transit, there was nothing. Absolutely nothing, and I landed on my ass at the bottom of the Bone-Eater's Well.
It hit me then that she hadn't been home since the Jewel was completed. Did she know this would happen? Had she been waiting for me to decide between her and Kikyo? I didn't know and now I never would, because it was obvious that the well no longer worked for me.
I spent that night in the God's Tree, the place where we met, the place where this raven haired wonder had changed my life forever. That night, for the first time in a long time, the tears flowed freely and I howled my loss and despair to the moon and the silent, uncaring forest.
~End Flashback~
I think it would please her to know that Kikyo was laid to rest by my hand. She came to me shortly after Kagome left and tried to take me to Hell. Tried. You see, I'd been thinking a lot about what Kagome didn't say; things that we both knew, but didn't speak of anymore, because they were too painful. I finally figured out that the one I should have been with was the one who had promised to never leave me; a promise she had kept faithfully until I drove her away. And that one sure as Hell wasn't Kikyo.
I was in the forest the night she came to take me. Not far from the well, in fact. I had gone there every day since Kagome left in the vain hope that she would be there, lugging that stupid bag of hers. I knew it was foolish; whatever magic the well possessed was gone and didn't seem to be coming back. You can't blame a guy for wishing, though.
A broken heart is a terrible thing. It does things to your mind. It makes ridiculous things seem rational and it can make the strongest among us weaker than a new born babe.
I knew that Kikyo was coming; I had seen the glow from her Soul-Gatherers, so I waited there by the tree she sealed me to so long ago. And sure enough, she came. I didn't know exactly what I was going to do or say, but I knew that she wasn't going to like it. One thing was for sure, I wasn't going to Hell with her.
"It is time to go to Hell, Inuyasha. You have defeated Naraku and completed the Jewel. Now fulfill your last promise and come with me."
I looked at her for a few moments without answering. I guess that was when it really hit me just how much Kikyo had changed, and just what my relationship with her really was. Obligation. That's all it really was. Obligation and guilt. I had called her back to this world, even though she had begged me not to. I was obligated to see that she found peace, or at the very least, to see that her soul could finally rest.
"No. My responsibility ends here. It's time that you listened to what I have to say."
Then I told her that I was in love with another; and that I was sorry. Sorry for all the pain that I had caused her. Sorry that it was my action, my voice, that called out and brought her back to a world she had left behind. Sorry that, in the end, it was myself that I could no longer protect her from; even though I had promised that protection always.
I held her close to me one last time and noticed again that she held no warmth. This was no longer the Kikyo that I had fallen in love with, no longer the kindred spirit that I had been drawn to all those years ago. Maybe being around Kagome and her loving, carefree spirit had changed me, Healed the wounds that had been inflicted by loneliness and loss. Kikyo had never been able to do that. Maybe if we had had more time together-I don't know, and I never will. All of these thoughts chased themselves through my mind as I held her. I pulled back and met her emotionless gaze for the last time and then I put my hand through her chest and pulled out what served as her heart, crushing it. I watched as her body crumbled back to the bone and ashes from which it had been made and shed a silent tear for what might have been. On the wind, I thought I heard a whispered "I forgive you", but I can't be sure. I stood there for a long time and just stared at the spot where she had been, then bent and collected her ashes and bones. Kaede would want them, I was sure. Perhaps this time we could scatter them in the river. I'm sure she would have wanted it that way.
Since then, I have continued to come here, to the clearing that holds the Bone-Eater's well, in the vain hope to catch again that beloved scent that had been so much a part of me for so long. I have never laid the blame for my situation on anyone but myself. Many would raise their hands to Heaven and rail at the cruelty of God; or curse Fate for bringing them to this pass, for allowing their decisions to go unchecked. But I don't. No, that fault belongs to me and me alone. She would be beside me still if I hadn't driven her away; if I hadn't been so stubborn and blind. And so, every day I come here, hoping that Fate will take pity and be kind to an unworthy half-breed; hoping that the well will reopen and bring back to me my heart, the other half of my soul; my Kagome.
A/N: This is my first attempt at fan fiction. I hope that you enjoyed it. Please, let me know what you think. If I get enough reviews, I'll post the next chapter. Thank you. Patch
Revised and Edited – 8/10/03