~FawkesRises
AN: I have no idea where this came from. I suppose you can blame it on Trapt. I've been listening to their CD all week. This started out as Jesse's POV, but somewhere along there Brennan took over. He's very persistent. This hasn't got anything to do with Little Infinity but it's more Jesse/Brennan! Hurrah!
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…the most immense thing about beauty
is finding it gone.
~Charles Bukowski
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I left.
You might think I'm a coward and he'll probably hate me or something. But I don't know what else to do. I don't even know where to go. I wanted to disappear into the city, to melt back into the noise; but I could go back to Sanctuary. True, it would be weird for a while, but it has to be better than wandering around on the street feeling guilty. It's not that Shal or Emma were freaked out about us. It's just that they both gave me the "Take care of him, Brennan" speech the day we left. And now, I've hurt him. What will they think of me?
What will he think? I mean I didn't say goodbye. He's off in town or at Sanctuary or something, and when he comes home I won't be there. I didn't write one of those dopey 'Dear John' letters either. I just locked the door and walked away. But I was scared, I'm still scared. That's a major confession for me.
It's not that I don't love being with him. Hell, I love him more than anyone else I've ever been with. But…
Maybe we shouldn't have moved so fast. Maybe we should have never moved out of Sanctuary. Adam shouldn't have let us. But he was trying to be supportive. We were still Mutant X, it was just we were a little further from home now. At the time, I thought it was great. Now I can see a thousand 'maybes' and 'should haves.' Maybe I'm just looking for excuses to justify my actions to myself. That sounds like something Adam would say.
It's not like living together wasn't great. It was. We even got a cat. I think he liked her so much because he missed Shal. That first week, I could tell he missed having his "big sister" around. So I went to the animal shelter and found this cat. I figured if we couldn't have Shalimar, we could still have a feline running around. (Shal would kill me if I told her that.) Anyway, I brought her home and I've never seen him so happy. He sat for hours that first night and listened to her purr. Today, I told her goodbye and asked her to watch out for him. Yeah, me talking to a cat.
My favorite part though, was waking up beside him, my arms wrapped around him. The white sheets and the sun through the window. And the quiet. That's what I'll miss the most. But that's what started all this…
Yesterday, in that early morning quiet he said "I love you."
It might not seem to be such a big thing. But this was different. The way he said it, he was speaking straight from the core of himself. It was pure Jesse. And I knew that he thought I was something special, someone different from everyone else he's been with. I've never been that to anyone. Sure, I've heard "I love you" from other people. But they didn't come anywhere near what he said. And truthfully, it scared the hell out of me.
God, I wish I could rewind my life. Back to that moment, to play things out a thousand different ways and see which one works out the best.
Because right now, I don't know if I can be what Jesse thinks I am. I have no idea how to live up to so much love.
The End