Chapter 1: I am hugely confused, but by now it's normal.

Disclaimer: Percy Jackson and the Olympians belongs to Rick Riordan. Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling. The insanity, however, is my own.

I genuinely thought this whole debacle was over, but apparently my name applies to my normal life as well as my enemies. Wow, thanks, Lord Thunderpants, as if saddling with a weird name wasn't bad enough, it appears to have become a physical manifestation of my being, and to top it off, I'm thinking like Wise Girl. Who does that? Apart from Wise Girl. But really?

No, after years of having titans, primordials, monsters, prophecies, and assorted catastrophes thrown at me, Lou Ellen's mom just had to go and drop this bomb on us all. I'm not the only one confused, which is nice, for once – Piper has her eyebrows raised, Katie's frowning, and Annabeth looks downright – what's the word? Dis-com-bob-u-lated. Apparently it means emotionally confused, and I should know, because Annabeth won't stop using it. That describes the look on her face.

Leo hasn't even cracked a joke yet, which is impressive, especially since one of the Stolls slipped him Skittles. I'm worried he might explode, though. Like, physically explode. He's twitching, but maybe that's just the news? If he's been drinking coffee again… ah, crap, that'll be bad.

Come to think of it, Lou Ellen looks confused too. Everyone else sits somewhere between what's-going-on to no-way to this-had-better-not-interrupt-my-peace. It's going to interrupt the peace, though. Really.

"Er," Annabeth says eventually. "You're telling us we're all magical?"

Hecate rolls her eyes slightly, nodding her head. "Yes." And before you ask, she currently only has one face, and one set of eyes. She does have a polecat, though, and it looks like it wants to bite legs. I don't like the polecat, and I don't think it really likes me.

"Why?" Leo asks, and the goddess looks like she wishes she could turn us all into mini-polecats. Or maybe just Leo. A lot of gods feel like that around him.

"Magic is just godly power, but heavily diluted," Hecate explains, as if she's telling us two plus two is four. "These wizards and witches are descendants of ours who use already magical objects to channel their power. You can all do the same thing. You're just more powerful, and have higher affinities for certain magics depending on your parents."

"Like wands?" I ask.

"Yes, Perseus, like wands," Hecate grinds out. I think she hates me now. Oops.

"Is this another quest?" someone calls out from the back.

"Yes," the goddess says, and everyone groans. It makes enough noise that Calypso pokes her head in to check we're all alive. Or maybe she was just checking that Leo hadn't gone nuts and set something on fire. That might have been it too.

"Just tell us where we're going, already," Nico grumbles. "It had better not be Alaska."

Will looks perturbed that Nico, like the rest of us, appears to harbour suicidal tendencies when talking to gods. Honestly, he ought to be used to it by now. If Annabeth can put up with me, then it can't be that bad.

"Britain, actually," Hecate says.

Is that worse, or better than Alaska?

"Why Britain? The focus of the Western world is America," Annabeth says.

"Yes, but we're running into problems. We're running low on power, and one of the last enclaves of worship happens to be magical Britain, along with magical America. Unfortunately, magical Britain is eating itself alive, and after it eats itself alive, it will probably start eating our other enclaves, so we're sending you to fix it."

"Can't you just zap them or something?" I ask.

"It's always more complicated than that," Katie huffs.

"Well, yes, it is," Hecate says. Is that smugness in her voice. Oops. Again. "The people who are worshipping us are a little… murder happy. On the other hand, the so-called good guys are ignoring us. It's your job to find a middle ground."

"We're going to get skewered from both sides," Piper groans.

"Maybe," Hecate agrees.

"I'll go get Rachel," Cecil sighs.

"No! It's not a normal quest. I'll be picking you myself."

I'm very tempted to start hitting my head against the table. So much so, that I try it out. It hurts, so I stop. Today is going to be messy.

I did not anticipate how messy. I was a really scrawny eleven-year-old, but I guess that's good, since I wasn't being chased by gods-know-what at that point. Annabeth still looks pretty, I guess. Cute, actually. Huh. Last time around, I didn't think cute. Maybe it's because my memories are older.

"Have you got your trunk?" Dad asks me in Ancient Greek. Yep. My real dad. Because apparently Zeus gave up when someone told him the gods were in danger of fading if we screwed this up. He's currently with Artemis and a remarkably irate Thalia. Thalia doesn't appreciate having to wear robes, and I'm pretty sure she's wearing jeans underneath. I know I am. Come to think of it, Zeus and Artemis are supposedly Thalia's parents – eugh. No. Don't need to think of that. Yuck.

"All here. Thanks, Dad," I reply, as he smiles. Why are we talking in Ancient Greek? Our cover story involves being foreign pure-bloods emigrating to the Isles, and has nothing to do with time-travelling back into young bodies from America. Hence, my name is now Perseus Poseidon Thalassas. It's horrible. Wise Girl got saddled with Cassiopeia Athena Annabeth Sofos, so I guess I got off okay. I can barely pronounce the name Cassiopeia. It's all wiggly.

Dad sighs. "Have fun in Hogwarts, son. I expect much of you."

I nod as Ares and Aphrodite walk past with Clarisse and Piper in tow. They're going to have to pretend to be sisters. That's not an accident waiting to happen.

Wait, yes it is. We're all doomed.

I already miss Grover.

"Orion."

Dad and I turn around. Leo appears to have dragged his father over to us. Poor Hephaestus. As much as he is like his son, Leo is difficult to deal with, especially when he's eaten three bags of Skittles and stolen half a cup of coffee. "Vulcan. I trust you and Leonidas are well?"

Leo grimaces at me. He doesn't like the name Leonidas much, though he likes the apo Fotia bit a lot, mostly because it means from fire, and Leo likes fire.

"We are, thank you," Hephaestus responds. He looks happier than usual. It could be because he gets to keep his real name. Dad doesn't, he took one of his children's because apparently it would get too obvious if all our parents had the names of gods. "And you and Perseus."

"Wonderful. Well, off you go, sons." Dad claps me on the shoulder once, and shoos us off. "Before the train leaves."

"Come on, Percy!" Leo grabs my hand and drags me off. "Let's see what this place makes of the McShizzle!"

This school is doomed. If we don't blow it up, they'll blow us up. Oh well. At least it'll be an interesting death.

A.N.

I hope I did Percy's voice sort-of justice. The train and sorting are up next. I did not put everyone in the same year - Thalia and Frank will be in Year 2, while Hazel and Nico are pretending to be in Year -1, as a sort of Carter-Sadie sibling pair. Poor Ginny. Luna will probably love them, though.

Actually, poor Snape. He's going to be stuck with a potions prodigy... who's ADHD, sassy, and a genuine menace.