Dear Diary,

A black cat starred in my dreams last night, Chat Noir will be delighted to never ever know. In it, I was transformed too. And during an akuma battle, a girl in an eskimo outfit flung water at us like a whip, knocking us on top of each other.

As per usual, the sly cat took the moment of close proximity to grin down at me and look absolutely chuffed.

His elbows rested on either side of my head, and he closed his eyes and puckered his lips, leaning down towards me.

And in my dream, I did something I've never even THOUGHT about doing before.

I closed my eyes.

And I kissed him back.

And Dream Chat Noir is a damn good kisser.

AHHHH THESE ARE TRAITOROUS THOUGHTS. My Adrien! My date with Luka tonight….

Can one be blamed for their dreams? It isn't cheating if it didn't happen, right?

Cinderella is wrong. A dream is NOT a wish that your heart makes.

I'm going to have a fantastic date with Luka. We're gonna party it out at the Clara Nightingale concert - Tikki's been looking forward to it all week. It'll be great!

It was great.

The date was wonderful. Luka complimented my outfit - Chat Noir was right, it was perfect. Luka offered to carry me on his shoulders so I could wave my flashing phone light around to Big Bang. We were bopping along to the beats, screaming out lyrics - well, I was screaming, he was harmonising. He's got a really beautiful voice. I didn't know he was into Clara Nightingale and when I asked him, bending over to almost yell in his ear to be heard over the din of eager concert-goers he shrugged at me and replied, "You can't escape pop." Anyway, I was having a great time.

And then the familiar sound of panicking civilians in danger drew that to a stuttering halt.

An akuma rose up from a seat in the stalls.

And Clara Nightingale went from crooning about her first kiss to screaming out in terror.

Turns out some girl was upset at the seats her boyfriend got for her.

It was Ladybug time and I had to swerve away from Luka. He's really attentive so it was really hard to shake him. He followed me to the restroom to make sure I was okay. And then believed me when I told him I had stomach cramps which kept me in there for the forty minutes it took for me to defeat the akuma.

Chat Noir helped - NO KISSING INVOLVED! He came bounding into the scene pretty early on. Maybe he was at the concert too.

When I got back to Luka, one tiring battle and a "Lucky Charm!" later, he was still waiting by the bathroom, a leg raised and resting on the wall behind him, listening to some music.

And I…

I was grateful that he had waited for me.

But I felt guilty that he had to.

Guilty that this happened on our first date, and could happen at any future date.

Guilty that I could never tell him the truth behind why.

And I know deep in my heart, that it isn't fair to expect this from him. Or from me. How can the basis of a relationship be built with such a significant part of my life missing?

It reminded me of Marianne Lenoir. Whom Master Fu left behind to fulfill his duty as Guardian. Who waited more than fifty years for him. And when she finally reunited with him, at the Eurostar station in Paris, she reunited with a man who no longer even remembered who she was.

Master Fu sacrificed his love for the Miraculous.

I would do the same.

So when Luka asked whether I'd like to hang out with him again… I told him. I told him yes, but not like this. I told him that he was wonderful, that he was the most considerate person that I know and that some girl would be so lucky to be with him. But that girl could not be me. Would not be me.

He nodded, mouth crinkling into an easy smile as he offered to hug me.

(I may or may not have been crying at this point.)

(Even when I'm rejecting him he tries to comfort me.)

Luka Couffaine deserves the absolute world.

I hope he finds it. I hope he finds someone that he loves, someone who gives him their all.

Life isn't fair.

Never has being a superhero extracted such an emotional toll from me. Late nights, a flaky reputation, the pressure of a city depending on you… those all mean nothing compared to the beating organ inside my chest preparing itself to wither with disuse while I uphold the Ladybug mantle.

Love is a luxury that I can't afford.

Not with Luka. And not with… Adrien either.

Tikki's giving me really concerned looks right now. Her eyes are as big as the dot on her forehead with worry.

She just came over to me and nuzzled against my cheek.

"You're a good Guardian, Marinette," she said, patting dry the tear trails on my face. "Master Fu would be proud of you."

I hope so.

I'm trying my best.

Bug out.