Chapter 1: Guardian of Miscommunication

The raucous laughter that bellowed into the hallway could have led Bilbo to the room blindfolded. He stepped into the private dining room, and stopped in the entrance way, fixing the image of his dwarves in his brain. A small, fond smile found its way to his lips as he thought back to his first dinner with these dwarves almost five years ago in his Bag End.

In a lot of ways, nothing had really changed. Food was being thrown about, ale spilling down beards, smacking lips, truly just atrocious table manners. However, if you knew where to look, there were little things that spoke of the mountain's prosperity. Looser belt buckles, full cheeks, well-cared for beards and hair, and the sparkle of wealth all the "heroes of Erebor" carried.

After what came to be known as the Battle of the Five Armies and Thorin, Fili, and Kili's truly miraculous recoveries, each member of the company was honored in title and gold. Most declined a council position, but were still highly respected by the people of Erebor. Bilbo, of course, was included on that ridiculous pedestal, but he had been unable to decline his council position due to both Thorin and Balin's insistence.

Even his return to the Shire hadn't really stopped them. For months, he had been plagued with letters and missives asking when he would return and if he could weigh in on certain policies. It took him a year and a half to realize, there was no place he would rather be than Erebor.

Bilbo wasn't sure exactly what was being discussed. His Khuzdul was very minimal even though he did get permission to learn. However, he could tell from the sulky expression on Thorin's face that it was something at the king's expense. His heart swelled as he allowed himself a few moments of unabashed staring.

Thorin's beard was getting longer with a few braids here and there now that he stopped shearing it short. The silver seemed heavier in it, but Bilbo constantly had to tell him that it made him look distinguished and not like'an addled old codger'. More important to Bilbo, his sapphire blue eyes finally shone freely. There was no shadow of hurt. He smiled and laughed more, and Bilbo knew even if he ever did leave again he would do so head held high that he was able to ease the burden from this soul.

Almost as if he was aware of his gaze, Thorin's eyes slid over to Bilbo. His smile grew almost immediately as his heart stuttered away inside his chest. Similarly, Thorin's cheeks pinked and he seemed to sit up straighter as he smiled and nodded at him in return.

"Master Burglar." He greeted affectionately.

"Your Majesty." Bilbo answered with their usual bout of unnecessary formality.

Bilbo found his way to his usual seat just to the right of the king. Shouts and various greetings were sent Bilbo's way as the rest of the company became aware of his presence as well.

"Sorry I'm late. Dear Gwen says 'one more thing', but really she means twenty. What did I miss?" He addressed the table.

"Lad, you really don't have to go down there and settle every dispute that comes through Bag's Corner." Balin patted his shoulder.

"I know I don't have to." Bilbo bristled. "That is my duty and my joy as a landlord."

"Don't let him puff you up. He's just upset you missed diplomatic training with us today." Fili whispered conspirtually from across the table.

"And today's lesson was so fascinating." Kili added before pretending to sleep.

A roll flew to hit Kili in the face. Bilbo looked over at Thorin as the younger dwarf started to splutter, but his eyes were down on his plate with his fork in hand. Only the barest upturn of his lips gave him away.

"Well, unlike some people, I can probably get away with it and be just fine." Bilbo stared at the brothers with a pointed look.

They instantly started protesting, and Bilbo turned his gaze back to Thorin to shoot him a wink. Bilbo was rewarded with a flash of teeth as his grin spread too wide to be hidden away.

"I do apologize, Balin." Bilbo turned back to the white bearded dwarf. "I really did intend to make it down there today."

Balin patted his shoulder again. "We'll just try again later this week. Not a problem at all, Ushmar uzbâd."

"Guardian of kings? What's that supposed to mean?" Bilbo huffed.

The table erupted in laughter again as Thorin slumped against the back of his chair. His good humor from a moment ago vanishing instantly.

"Can we not talk about this anymore?" He complained.

"Let the ushmar uzbâd have his moment." Dwalin teased the pouting king.

"Aye, he deserves to hear the tale the way it really happened." Nori smirked.

Bilbo found himself looking back and forth between all of their mischievous faces before Bofur just couldn't take it any longer.

"You see, it's like this, Bilbo. All good stories stretch the truth in them as I'm sure you know."

Bilbo nodded, regretting not for the first time, telling the story of Bullroarer to them. He was too curious about what had riled his dwarves up so much to make a sour face though.

"Well, of course as our quest has spread around the mountain, more and more interpretations have come out that are exaggerated. And the latest…"

Bofur had to stop himself when a chuckle bubbled up in his words.

"Uncle is a damsel who had to be rescued by his hobbit." Kili blurted out causing the table to roar once more.

"Thorin is a...I'm afraid I don't understand." Bilbo murmured his cheeks having colored at his hobbit.

"Well, it's just that you saved us from so much." Fili tried to spell out.

"Azog, spiders, elves, dragon sickness." Dwalin listed out.

"That our people see you as some sort of storybook hero, which leaves Uncle as…"

"The princess in the tower?" Kili unhelpfully supplied.

Bilbo was afraid most of them were going to pass out from the way mirth rolled through their bodies. He snuck a glance at Thorin whose face was in his hands, the mere picture of mortification. A few soft chuckles escaped Bilbo at this as he patted his arm, and Thorin was quick to shoot him a glare for the effort.

"Not you too."

"It is just a little funny, Thorin." Bilbo tried to ease.

"It is not funny." Thorin emphasized with a hiss.

"Come on." Bilbo insisted. "There is a fair amount of truth to it. Besides, where would you be without me?"

"Uh, Bilbo…" Balin tried to warn.

However, it came too late. Bilbo clearly had underestimated the level of ire Thorin had been placed in by this whole affair prior to him getting there, and that his teasing, if not flirtatious, comment was the pick to collapse the mine.

"Not only is largely inaccurate, but insulting to assume I need to be rescued by anyone." Thorin growled. "And you wouldn't have made it over the mountains if not for me. So who truly is the helpless damsel here?"

Bilbo's jaw dropped as he puffed up affronted. "You would have been eaten by trolls if it wasn't for me."

"I wouldn't have even been captured by trolls if you hadn't decided to try and burgle our ponies out!" He declared standing up.

"I'm sure you're right. Having had the bright idea to camp fifty paces from said trolls, I'm sure things would have been different."

"GOBLINS!" Thorin roared, waving his hands.

"I didn't face any goblins!" Bilbo was quick to counter. "I had fallen down the side of the mountain which NONE of you were quick to come looking for me, I might add."

At this point, the table had gone silent leaving the only sound being Thorin and Bilbo's harsh breathing as they glared at each other, neither willing to be the first to back down in their rather pointed argument. To think, Bilbo had thought it was going to be such a pleasant evening. Finally, Thorin gave him a bitter smirk.

"Hold true to your version of history, no matter how skewed it may be. As for me, I'd rather depart now before the ballads paint me from warrior to maiden."

With that, Thorin gave the company a single nod before leaving the dining room making sure to slam the door on his way out. Bilbo felt rather hollow as he slowly returned to his seat staring after where Thorin left him.

"What just happened?" He complained, turning his glare onto the roasted chicken he regretted not filling his cheeks with.

"Don't worry about him, lad." Balin attempted to cheer him up. "I imagine tonight has been more than just a bruise to our dear king's ego. He'll get over it soon enough."

He didn't. Bilbo went from seeing the king at least once a day to hardly seeing him at all the following week. Even Dis made a comment on the sparsity of their king which her sons were quick to fill her in on. She had much to say at that point on Thorin's particular flavor of idiocy, and how he should feel honored that Bilbo was so revered. Bilbo didn't know if he would go that far.

If anything, he usually tells the story of their quest from the perspective of humble, lucky hobbit in way over his head. Certainly a more accurate portrayal than the story from the other night. It was just...after everything that happened, he didn't want to go back to being useless which is why Thorin's barb hurt so bad. Still, Bilbo found the whole incident to be among the dumbest reasons to ignore someone.

At one point he thought to catch him just outside the audience chambers before court. Bilbo marched down the hall, Thorin caught his eye, and immediately moved into the side entrance. It was very clear at that point that Thorin Oakenshield, King Under the Mountain, wanted nothing to do with him. Which was painfully aggravating and maybe just a little heart wrenching.

Well, if that was the case, Bilbo would just have to attend court and petition to the king in front of everyone. If he can handle Lobelia outside his smial with a pocketful of his silver spoons, then he can surely talk to Thorin without it erupting into much of a scandal. Besides, Balin has been encouraging him to get more involved in this aspect of politics. Maybe not from the side of petitioner, but he should definitely know all the nuances of the job. With that settled, he spun around and marched himself to the public entrance of the chamber. The dwarves that were headed that way as well were quick to give a polite nod and offer him a place ahead of them.

It was moments like these that he was thankful of his status as lone hobbit of Erebor as he made it to the front of the crowd with hardly any elbows thrown. A dwarf with five different pleats running down his back was already petitioning before the king and based on his stance and Thorin's rigid grip on his throne, Bilbo didn't think this was going to be the usual request.

"Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror, known Oakenshield." The dwarf spat with his thick accent.

Months of Balin's etiquette classes burned through the forefront of Bilbo's mind, and he bristled knowing this dwarf was challenging Thorin by not acknowledging him as king. Not outright offering him insult, but clearly making a point. Bilbo felt his jaw tighten, and he could tell from the muttered curses and tightened fists around him that most of Thorin's subjects were displeased as well.

"Heor, son of Freon. This is your fifth time to appear before me this month. I grow weary of your face. Speak plainly so that I may deny your request swiftly." Thorin assessed cooly.

The dwarf spat on the floor before him. The guards all went for their weapons, but Thorin held up a hand. Bilbo could see Dwalin was especially displeased with this order.

"Your refusal to open the mines will starve all of us out!" The dwarf, Heor, bellowed.

"My refusal to open the mines has to do with a sea of riches in our vault, a prosperous economy, and overly friendly neighbors. We don't need to bleed the mountain to earn our way anymore."

"And what am I supposed to do with that? I'm a miner!"

"And after that you were a woodsman just as I was a blacksmith. I did not bring about our return to Erebor just to see us fall back into the old ways."

"Fall back to the OLD WAYS?! YOU WILL HAVE US FALL TO RUIN ONCE MORE! MENU SHIRUMUND (YOU ARE BEARDLESS)!"

There were quite a few outspoken words at this as even Thorin rose to his feet. However, none were faster than the hobbit whose outrage on behalf of his friend warred against the impropriety of his actions.

"Now see here!" Bilbo demanded. "This is not a place for you to whine like an ill behaved faunt. This is a place for legitimate problems to be heard and dealt with. Furthermore, your king has more honor than your feeble brain can even begin to comprehend and deserves your respect."

Bilbo faintly heard his name called, but all he was aware of was the eerie quiet settling over the crowd he left behind and the purple faced dwarf advancing towards him. He should have probably been fearing bodily harm at that point, but Bilbo raised himself up to his perfectly respectable three and a half feet and stood his ground against the other.

"The Halfling. I might have guessed." Heor growled. "Am I to take it that you speak for the king's character?"

It seemed like forever ago, and yet the memory was summoned so swiftly when Bilbo stood before the entire town of Esgaroth to vouch for Thorin's honor then. Just as before his answer did not waver.

"Yes."

"NOOO!" Thorin roared.

Bilbo shot him a perplexed look wondering why in the world Thorin looked ready to commit murder as the crowd erupted around him. Well, this definitely wasn't happening the same way it did the first time. What exactly did he do wrong?

"A fortnight. Then the Akrâg Azgha (Honor Battle) begins." Heor grinned gleefully.

He turned and skulked off through the crowd that was still much too shocked by what was happening to do more than let him go. Bilbo stared after him with his eyebrows raised. Wait. What about a battle?

I don't intend for this to be longer than about a five-shot. Just a little plot bunny I had that I wanted to get down inbetween other works. If you are following my other WIP Once Upon a Dream, I haven't given up on it. I'm just trying to build some chapters while I get it caught up on AO3. I'll have the new chapter for it up in the next few weeks. As always, thanks for the support!

-Sunny