Chapter 4

"There was a photo of mommy," Jake suddenly said, on their way back to Jay's apartment. "She worked with you?"

"Yes," Jay answered. "Mommy worked with us for four years, before she went to New York and you came."

"I miss mommy."

"I know, Jake," Jay softly said. What else could he say? He couldn't bring her back.

Hailey sat in the back next to Jake, she caressed his cheek. "Of course you miss her, honey. And I know she would want to be here with you."

Jake hugged the stuffed shark tight, buried his face in the soft toy. Hailey's hand remained on his face, but she didn't say anything, just wanted to show him he was not alone.

Clearly Jake was exhausted. When they arrived at Jay's place, he lay down on the couch right away and curled up in a ball, closed his eyes.

"I want my mommy," he wept quietly.

"I know you do," Jay said, caressing Jake's hair. "I know."

"Daddy, don't go away."

Jay caressed his hair, placed a soft kiss on his head. "I'm not going anywhere, son."

Jay and Hailey sat down in the kitchenette, so that they wouldn't disturb the sleeping child.

"Thank you, Hailey," Jay whispered. "Thank you for being here. I'd be lost without you."

"Jay, you're doing great," Hailey replied. "I wouldn't have expected it, but you're a great dad."

"I don't know," he said. "It's been barely 24 hours, I hardly know my son, and I know I can't replace Erin. How could I?"

"You don't need to replace her," Hailey answered. "Nobody can. But you're his dad, you can be there for him. Let him remember Erin, give him time and a home."

"And what do I do now?" Jay asked. "I mean – right now? There's so much to do, I don't know where to start."

Hailey smiled, welcoming the opportunity to jump into action. "We can clean up the spare room. And I can buy some paint."

Before they could start, however, Jay's phone rang. Voight.

"Sarge," Jay answered the phone.

"Jay, Erin's boyfriend called. He wants you to pick up Jake's stuff from their apartment."

"Me? How should I do this? I won't take Jake to New York right now, that would be too exhausting – and too much for him to cope with. And I won't leave him alone here."

"Right," Voight agreed. "The guy wants it done asap. He'll throw everything out if we don't get it within 3 days."

"What a nice guy. Well, I cannot go."

"Okay," Voight was thinking. "Would you like me to go? If I leave right now, I can be back for the funeral. There are no big cases on the table, so the guys should be able to run the unit without me for a while."

"Yes, please," Jay breathed a sigh of relief. Was that Voight's way of apologizing? Jay didn't care. "Thanks, Sarge."

"Would you ask Jake if there's anything specific he wants? Anything I shouldn't forget?"

"I will ask him when he wakes up and will call you back. No need to bring furniture, I'll get new things. Just his toys and clothes and stuff. And," he paused for a second. "And perhaps photos for him to remember, if there are any. Something from his mother." It wasn't easy to say that, Jay didn't really want Erin's photos in his apartment, but he knew he owed this to his son. Whatever had happened between Jay and Erin, Jake should have good memories of his mother, and he should have something to remember her by.

"Okay, that and Jake's birth certificate and any other documents I can find," Voight confirmed.

Hailey had already left to buy paint and brushes, so Jay was left alone with his sleeping son. Before he went into Jake's future room, he crouched on the floor right next to Jake, watched him and softly caressed his hair. "I promise, I will do all I can for you, I promise. I will make sure you know you're loved and safe, always."

When Hailey returned, Jay was busy in Jake's room, had taken out his things, and was now pondering if he should disassemble the shelves or wait until they had proper, new furniture.

"Leave it," Hailey simply suggested. "At least for the moment. I'm sure Jake will be more than happy to decide."

Jake slept for more than two hours, and when he woke up, his mood had improved. He was excited to see his room empty, wanted to help Jay and Hailey. It was early in the afternoon, so Jay put a fresh layer of paint on the walls right away.

Hailey had a few ideas of how to decorate the plain walls, and she asked Jake a lot of questions. What did he like other than baseball? Would he like any specific pictures on the walls? She showed him some examples online as well. Jake almost seemed to forget his sorrows, he was so busy, and he clearly enjoyed that Hailey cared for what he said, listened to his ideas, as wild and chaotic as they might be.

They decided to go furniture shopping in the morning, having already selected the best store online. Jay didn't want to drag Jake through several stores without at least a faint idea of what they wanted, that would surely be too much for a five-year-old. They had some basic ideas, a basic layout; that would be sufficient to find all they needed, that was Jay's hope. Toys and decoration would be much more important than the bed or wardrobe they chose. Making Jake feel safe and loved, that was the most important task.

"Why doesn't Hailey sleep here?" Jake asked his father, as Jay put him to bed that night.

"Because she lives in her own house, Jake," Jay explained. "And because the bed is too small for all three of us anyway," he added with a grin. He knew he shouldn't have said that out loud, he shouldn't even think that, but he couldn't help himself. Fortunately Jake didn't comment on that last bit.

"But why? She's here during the day. Isn't she your girlfriend, daddy?"

Jay raised his eyebrows, then smiled. "No, she's my best friend, and my partner, Jake. We work together."

"But... why isn't she your girlfriend, daddy? She's so nice. So much nicer than mommy's boyfriend. And she's pretty."

Jay smiled, briefly lost in thought. "Yes, she is," he whispered. "But you know – let's not discuss this at bedtime, okay?"

"Okay," Jake agreed. "Then tomorrow."

Jay shook his head. This boy was clearly Erin's son too. He couldn't suppress a grin. "Go to sleep now, Jake. Good night."

"Good night, daddy."

Back in the living room, Jay sat down on the couch next to Hailey with a big sigh.

"What?" she asked with a grin. "Did this sweet kid wear you out already?"

He laughed quietly. "He's clever, and clearly his mother's son."

"I see, doesn't give in easily."

"Yeah. That too... "

Both had one small drink, just to unwind, before Hailey left.

Jay didn't mention what Jake had said, and Hailey didn't mention that she had heard what he had said.

Now was not the right time – just like the last few years. It was never the right time to discuss their relationship.

Before shopping for furniture, Jay and Jake had another appointment in the early morning. With the help of Trudy they got an appointment for a paternity test. The lab would make sure to get the results back to Jay as quickly as possible, so that Jay would have the evidence he needed to become Jake's legal guardian. Jay himself had no doubt at all, he knew Jake was his son. Frankly, nobody who knew Jay could have any doubts. Jake looked exactly like him, even displayed the same gestures, facial expressions, which sometimes was more than funny in a child. Will had sent Jay an old photo of the two brothers, and it was all too clear that Jake was the spitting image of five-year-old Jay Halstead. But even without this proof, Jay knew – he just knew.

Nevertheless he explained the testing procedure to his son, wanted to make sure he understood what it was about, wanted to make sure Jake knew that Jay didn't have any doubts. Jake seemed a bit intimidated in the lab, and it was clear that he was afraid of the result, despite Jay's explanation. His mom was gone, how could he be sure of anything right now?

Jake was timid, the new situation was still too much for him to take in. So, when they were out shopping for new furniture, he was very quiet at first, didn't say what he liked or what he didn't like. It took both Jay and Hailey a lot of patience to get his opinion. It was clear that Jake wanted to be good, was too afraid Jay might leave him if he made a fuss, so he didn't object when Jay suggested any piece of furniture, or the ugliest carpet in the store.

Jay and Hailey exchanged a few glances, then Hailey stepped in, trying to make it easier for Jake. Whatever Jay suggested, she disliked, or so she said, just to reassure Jake that it was okay to speak his mind. And slowly Jake opened up again. It was easier this way, he could take sides, could agree with Jay or Hailey, instead of simply disagreeing with his dad, whom he wanted to please so bad.

Jay noticed what Hailey did, and once again he thanked the gods that she was there, that she was his best friend.

In the end they had selected a bed, wardrobe, a desk and chair, and some decorative bits and pieces, and Jake was genuinely happy with the choice.

Hailey already had a few ideas of what images to paint on the walls, all she needed was some time alone, because she wanted to surprise him. It meant a lot to her that Jay trusted her enough to let her help him, and that Jake seemed to like her.

In the evening, when he lay in his bed, next to his son, Jay realized that he hadn't dealt with one thing at all so far.

So much had happened, he had been so busy, that he hardly had the chance to realize that Erin was gone. His former girlfriend, the woman he once had loved.

Despite the way the relationship had ended, despite the fact that he was in fact over her, didn't love Erin anymore, and despite the fact that he was so angry that she hadn't told him about Jake – despite all that, he still cared, and it was still a terrible thought that she was gone.

Tomorrow he would have to attend her funeral, and he couldn't understand it.

A wave of sadness hit him, for the loss of a relationship, of chances, of a life. He felt unexpected tears in his eyes, and he wrapped his arms tightly around his sleeping son, burying his nose in Jake's soft hair.