Title: Dark Thoughts

Genre: Angst/Drama

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I no own

NO BETA. BEWARE OF ERRORS.

Summary: I cut myself and put pressure on it, waiting for it to stop bleeding. But it doesn't. A sick feeling washes over me, the cut won't stop, and now I'm getting scared

I swore underneath my breath as my team lost yet another basketball game. I may as well just quit the team, we sucked.

"TK!" Kari called out from the sidelines as I begun to walk out of the gym with the other team mates. A few stopped to look back at us, but I just waved them off.

She and Davis came up to me, looking the cutesy couple that they weren't. Much to my goggle headed friends disappointment.

"I didn't realize how bad our basketball team was. We need a better coach." Davis stated once I was within hearing distance from them.

"Davis!" Kari scolded.

He shrugged, "What? I'm telling the truth!"

I grinned at him. That's what I've always liked about him, he was always honest about whatever was on his mind. Even if it go him into trouble. Sometimes, I wish I were more like that.

Matt approached our trio casually, an easy smile on his face. "The game wasn't too bad." He assured me.

I shrugged, "It's okay. I was thinking of quitting the team anyway."

"What?" Matt asked, surprised.

"Why?" Kari demanded at the same time.

"I just don't like it anymore." Was my honest reply, "Listen, let me get changed and I'll meet you guys outside of the gym."

They were treating me to ice cream, something that was promised whether the team won or not. The other digidestined were meeting us there. A group hang out sounded nice, it was rare when all of us could get together like this.

On one long table there sat the twelve of us sat, Davis's sister, Jun, came up to use to take our orders. And because she worked there she usually gave us discounts, which was pretty nice of her. She didn't do it because of her feelings for my brother; she had gotten over him a while ago and had begun to date Joe's older brother.

After ice cream we all went our separate ways.

I walked with Tai, Kari, and Matt since I was going to dad's place for dinner.

Kari kept giving me sideways glances, blushing every time. Truth be told, I wasn't really attracted to her. At one point of time I might have been, but now she's just a childhood friend. And even then she's not a close friend. It's a little sad, weren't light and hope supposed to go hand-in-hand? My crest and I were always going to be alone.

People say that everything goes with hope. Hope never dies. Although in my opinion, hope just stands on the sidelines, waiting until it's no longer needed.

I couldn't help but crake a smile at these thoughts.

Matt once caught me verbally berating myself while looking into a mirror, into my own eyes. He hated it when I talked like this. It's kind of another reason why I continue doing it. No one knew what type of torture that I endured in the digital world. And, sadly, no one ever tried to find out.

I stayed at Matt's for a while, made some small talk with dad, watched some TV. Now I'm going home.

I hate my life, loathe it with a passion.

Mom wasn't home when I got there, which meant that I was alone. Good.

After placing what little leftovers I had into the mini fridge I had in my bedroom, I mosey on over to the bathroom.

Raising my sleeves, I stared down at the scars littering my pale arms. The newer ones were still pink, the old ones a shade paler than my flesh.

Turning on the water in the sink, I took out a razor.

Once, when I was little, my great-uncle told me that you never knew you were alive until you bled. Still, I don't feel as if any of this is real.

Morning came too soon, just like every day. But I didn't feel like getting up. There was no knock on my bedroom door. Which meant that mom didn't come home last night.

Good. Life's better without her.

My mother was a sad person, and I hated her. Don't tell me that it's impossible to hate one's own mother. She never raised me, she was just there. I basically took care of myself, with my father and brother being there only a third of the time.

Mom's a drunk. And I've always had this feeling that she was a whore as well, but nothing has been proven yet. When I was little she used to get into these drunken rages and beat me. She only stopped when I began to hit her back. Now she barely acknowledges my presence, unless I'm late for school. Honestly, I've always thought that it was during that time I was away from the house in those regulated hours that she brought her Johns over.

School drags on slowly.

Throughout the day I had to deal with Kari giggling beside me at her desk. Needless to say this was extremely annoying. However, ever since I had let it slip that the world was going to end to Cody, back in the digital world when Angemon was fighting Dark Wargreymon, I've learned better than to share my thoughts. Because of that one comment, almost everyone keeps their distance. Especially Cody.

Kari poked me lightly, brining me out of my trance. I gave her a brief look which she shrugged off, "Class is over."

We walk down to the first floor of the school together and separate once we get to our lockers. As I put my street shoes on, Davis flops against the lockers beside me.

"Where have you bee these last few days, man? You've been so out of it, the rest of us are pretty worried."

A teacher than called his attention away from me, sternly reminding him that he had detention. As Davis is forced to leave my side, he called out a flippant 'Later!' over his shoulder. I stood in shock, a slight well of hope swelled up in my chest. Maybe someone actually cared? But before that thought spirited me away, I squashed it.

I hated my stupid crest.

On the way home I go into Yolei's family's shop.

"Hey TK," Yolei chirped at me with a glowing smile.

I attempted to smile back; it felt awkward on my face. How did she manage to do it? Why did it seem as if she were always so happy? Her life isn't perfect either. But, then again, she wasn't the one mentally tortured, or physically abused.

Cody bumped into me while I was leaving the shop. His smaller frame jumped back and he gave me a strained smile.

"Sorry TK, I'm really late!" He readjusted his kendo bag and rushed passed me.

I sighed, heading into the elevators. I just had some sort of charm which attracted people to me, hm?

Mom was home, asleep on the couch in a drunken stupor. She disgusted me.

Ignoring her, I placed my snacks into my bedroom before entering the bathroom.

The water began to run again, and I dutifully brought the razor onto my used skin. Halfway through my ritual, my mother decided that it was a good time to stumble into the bathroom and vomit into the toilet. Once she was done she noticed what I was doing and snorted at me.

"Don't stain the sink," Is all she said before she left.

I rolled my eyes at her while cleaning myself up and heading back into my bedroom. The phone rings just as I was about to lie down.

Gropping for the cordless, I pressed the talk button.

"Yeah?"

"Hey TK," It was Ken.

"What's up?" I asked as I changed into pajamas.

Ken hesitated for a moment before taking in a deep breath, "I was wondering if you'd like to come over on Saturday. That is, if your mother doesn't mind."

I held in a snort, my mother was more than likely passed out on the kitchen floor next to a bottle of Jack Daniels. I seriously doubted she'd mind I if I went to the other side of Tokyo for a day.

"It's no problem, I'll be there. What time?" Any excuse to get away from here.

Ken gave me the specifics and then hung up with me.

Something in the back of my mind nagged me that Saturday was important. It bothered me that I couldn't remember.

On Friday I quit the basketball team, and then had decided to skip the rest of the school day.

So here I was, on Anime Street. I had money in my pocket to blow, as long as I was mindful to keep enough on me for the trip home.

Mom wasn't home again. Thank God.

I proceeded to do my daily habit in the bathroom. Don't ask my I did it, it just made me feel better.

The phone rang once I was done. As soon as I answered, Matt's voice is yelling at me from the other line.

"What?" I asked, aggravated.

"Where the hell have you been all day?" He demanded. Anger colored his voice.

"Out," I replied, "What's it matter to you?"

"Are you kidding me?" He sounded as if he were about to lose his temper. "Did you forget that Dad was going to pick you up early from school today? When we found out you weren't there, we contacted Mom, but she was no help. So you better tell me where the hell you were." Toward the end of it, his voice reached a deadly calm.

A small part of me feared this side of my brother. "I was out on Anime Street all day. Are you happy now? It's not like you really care anyway." Before he had a change to reply, I hung up on him.

The conversation left me agitated. So I went back into the bathroom to cut myself again. I hated my life.

I woke up Saturday half tempted to cancel on Ken. Although something told me not to, that this was too important to bail out of. Not that it really mattered to me. Honestly, I didn't want to go.

The doorbell rang sometime in mid-afternoon, just as I was going to gather everything needed for a shower.

Mom was asleep underneath the kitchen table. Sleeping like the dead.

I scooted the chairs back into the table so as to hide her from someone's view a bit better. She was such an embarrassment.

Smoothing my hair down, I opened the front door only to be confronted by the sight of my brother and Tai.

"Well this is a surprise. You two came all the way over here to visit me?" I asked sarcastically.

Matt rolled his eyes, "We're here to make sure that you actually go to Ken's."

"So I get an escort to the party? You guys really shouldn't have." I stated, allowing them into the apartment and hoping that they wouldn't notice mom.

My brother's eyes narrowed in on her, he stared for a moment before ignoring her. Tai remained silent.

"I was just about to hop into the shower, so let me just get ready. Feel free to grab whatever you want to drink or whatever from the fridge." I told them as I headed back into the bathroom. "I'll be out in a minute."

As soon as I closed the door and locked it, I allowed a deep breath to escape me. This room was my sanctuary.

Getting out the razor, I moved my sleeves up again. This was like a drug, and I was an addict.

Positioning the blade, I slashed quickly, staring at the green vein I had snipped before the blood began to bubble up. After a few seconds I applied pressure on it, waiting for the bleeding to stop. Only, it didn't. The blood soaked the hand towel, and I felt cold fear wash over me.

"Matt!" I called out. Being careful with my bleeding appendage, I flung open the bathroom door. Blood dripped onto the floor and down my arm. "MATT!"

I'm not sure how I managed to stay calm, maybe it was because I knew I couldn't bleed out from a cut like that. Or at least I didn't think I could. I would need stitches for sure. Maybe the paramedics would be able to do that on the ride over.

While in the hospital, I tried to convince everyone that it wasn't a suicide attempt. Though, with the scars which littered my arms, shoulders, and the top of my thighs, everyone had their doubts. The doctors asked me why I did it, and I refused to answer them. They told my dad to send me to a psychiatrist, and even recommended one that took his insurance. They told him that I might've had a mental disorder, it irks me.

The stitching up of my arm only took a few minutes. The psychiatric evaluation however, those took longer. In my opinion it was a waste of time. And half of me feels as if I should've just killed myself, it would've been a lot quicker than all this. Especially since everyone seemed to believe that this was a botched attempt anyway.

The doctors had wanted to keep me overnight for observations, in a padded cell no doubt. Luckily my father managed to talk them out of it. Instead they told him and Matt to keep a close eye on me. Dad told me that I would be staying with them for a little while. It's just after midnight when we finally leave the hospital.

On the drive to dads, Matt finally decided to speak to me. "That party at Ken's was supposed to be a surprise birthday party."

"For who?" I couldn't help but ask, curiosity taking over.

At this my brother snorted, "Happy Birthday." He glared at me through his visor mirror.

I blinked. Was today already the twenty-ninth? Yes. Today was my birthday. That meant that if I had really been trying to off myself, it would've been on the exact same day as when I was born. A sardonic smile spreads across my face.

Cool.

Fin

MoonLLotus: God, I read this over to revamp it, and I was such a moody 13 year old. I mean, seriously, emo much? Although I have to admit, it was written pretty well considering my age at the time. Anyways, please review, flames are always welcome.

Originally posted: 5/29/03
Revamped: 1/19/12