So the original concept of the story is strong in my opinion, but the earlier style was just so long and for no good reason. I want to look in depth with little lore bits here and there but, I don't need to fluff up my story to 7k words if that 7k isn't good. There's gonna be a lot of similarities with the original story, like characters and their arcs but I'm gonna add some new concepts and cut out stuff that doesn't need

Chapter 1

"You mother fucker!" she was struck across the face again and again as the pilot in front of her cracked her in the jaw.

"You militia assholes think your all *Crack* high *Crack* and *Crack* mighty!" He forced her to the ground while pulling an icepick to her throat. "You know the IMC fleet has all sorts of robots but never enough women *Crack* maybe I'll make this up to all those women you fuckers *Crack* killed on Demeter *Crack* " He pulled out his wingman and fired a round into her side, causing her to scream in pain. He stared her dead in the eyes.

"I'm going to make you suffer for every single one you kill- huh" A sound came off near the window causing the pilot to turn his head. He was met with a fist to the face by the female pilot who struggled for the icepick. They rolled across the floor until he fired another round into her chest causing her roll on the floor in pain. He stood while aiming at her with his pistol

"You little fucker" he stared her down with the sights of his pistol causing both of them to stare at one another, with the militia pilot bleeding and panting and the IMC pilot also panting.

The noise came back with greater speed, however the IMC pilot did not react, seemingly having learned his lesson, he kept his gun trained on her.

Well maybe he didn't learn the right lesson. A translucent figure only discernible from the rest of the room by a light grey outline tackled him and shoved a knife into his throat. The figure wrapped its hands and legs around the IMC pilot, holding him while slowly pressing the knife deeper into the pilots throat.

The female pilot sighed in relief. Her body gave out in exhaustion and allowed her head to crash against the concrete floor. She however lifted her head following the beeping sound of a cloak kit about to break.

The IMC pilot started coughing blood as the figure's cloak started to flicker away, a pilot with white armor, a black jumpsuit and a helmet similar to the SRS helmet the militia pilot wore….. She along with the currently dying IMC were stunned at the revelation that this figure was an IMC pilot.

"Why? I'm not *Cough* Militia *Cough* she is…..ahhh!" The knife drove deeper into the throat of the IMC pilot until he stopped moving. The pilot slumped to the ground as the other pilot moved the corpse off of himself. He pulled the Longbow DMR off the corpse of his 'comrade' and moved towards the window. He looked down the scope and scanned the area until he was satisfied. He walked back to the militia pilot laying against the wall.

"Take my hand" The words came as a shock to the militia pilot as he held the longbow in one hand and offered his other.

"I'm not leaving here a IMC prisoner" Her hand went behind her back looking for the icepick while the other pushed herself closer to the wall.

"I'm not taking you prison-" She slashed the icepick, the blade connected with his palm before he could react, causing him to drop the Longbow. She used her jump kit to kick him to the ground. She grabbed the Longbow and sat on top of him, aiming point blank at his head. He swiped the rifle as a round discharged from the barrel. He used his large frame and weight to throw her off of him, seeing his opportunity, he jumped on top of her and wrestled for the gun.

"I'm not taking you prisoner dammit!" He yelled as he grabbed her wrist in a attempt to get her to stop

She cracked her fist into the helmet of the IMC pilot over and over again to no avail. He was determined and the exhaustion from fighting the last pilot along with the two rounds currently stuck in her abdomen made even her enhanced body collapse, she finally gave in, her hands stopped fighting as she relaxed, almost accepting her fate.

The moment the militia pilot stopped moving her hands the IMC pilot kicked the longbow and icepick well out of reach. He along with the militia pilot both were stuck gasping for air as he rolled off of her. He laid next to her and began to speak in gasps.

"I'm not *Gasp* going to hurt *Gasp* you" He started to control his breathing enough to sit up. He moved closer to her and offered his hand again to her.

"I'll Get you out of here I promise"

Realizing she most likely wouldn't be able to resist him further, she relented and weakly took his hand. The IMC pilot pulled her up and wrapped his arm around her waist in order to support her. She was limping quite heavily causing the IMC pilot to put the Longbow on his back while scooping up the militia pilot into his arms. This caused her to make an audible yelp and a light shade of crimson to form on her cheeks, she moved her head closer to his chest to hide the embarrassment but it only made her cheeks burn brighter. He started moving until he reached the window, he looked down at the drop, causing her to grip to his front chest plate. He jumped down and engaged his jump kit, however with the added weight it did not slow down the fall quick enough, causing him to activate his jump kit again so he could rotate his body in between the ground and the militia pilot. They crashed into the ground.

"You *Cough* *Cough* ok?" She nodded in IMC pilot looked down at the militia pilot in his arms. He noticed the black hair and brown eyes of the pilot along with the SRS logo emblazoned on the shoulder guard. She looked weary and nervous but otherwise ok.

"I gotta get you out of here" The IMC pilot stood up still carrying the militia pilot and began to move until a forceful tug was felt on his jumpsuit

"Wait...I need something before we move on" She moved her head towards a destroyed titan, as the IMC pilot inspected further he realized that this was a Vanguard class titan. This made him uneasy, as only the best of the militias pilots operated those titans. He started carrying her towards the titan and she began to explain.

"There's a cylinder on the front of the titan, I need to get it if there's any way I'm going to get off world" The IMC pilot nodded as he laid her against the wall of the building they had just escaped while he grabbed the cylinder from the titan. The case opened as a smart pistol, an icepick, a cone shaped device and a small radio were all released. The IMC pilot grabbed all of them and walked back to the militia pilot who looked more emotionally stable at the sight of these devices. He handed the pistol, the cone shaped device and the radio, but kept the icepick for himself.

"If you don't mind, I would like to keep this as insurance so that you don't try to cut me again" He laughed. She didn't seem to take the joke as well but nodded nonetheless. After his unsuccessful attempt at humor he proceeded to kneel on one knee and offered his hand, she grasped it but instead of allowing him to scoop her up, she positioned herself on his back instead (basically a piggyback ride).

"If we were going to get out of here I would like it if both of us were combat effective" She pulled out the smart pistol and wrapped one arm around his neck for support while locking her legs around his waist. He nodded in agreeance as he used his now free arms to carry the Longbow.

They started to walk into the brush as the sounds of gunfire became more distant….

I think this is a lot better than my original start. It goes straight to the action and skips a lot of the boring dialogue that I can add later where it makes sense and is necessary, much of the plot will remain the same, however I'm gonna make some changes so it's a bit more enjoyable. I'm also going to write almost daily, so if you like this then check in every day or two cause i'll have something up.