Ranma 1/2 characters and situations are copyright 1987, 1999 by
Takahashi Rumiko. Publishing rights (Japan) by Shogakukan Inc.
Publishing rights (North America) by Viz Inc. This work is not
intended to infringe those rights.

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Pagliacci - A story of the world of Ranma 1/2

Chapter 7

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It was quiet. Too quiet.

Anyone who has ever served in the military knows the unease that this phrase causes. When the situation is normally chaotic, sudden silence is a sign that things are about to go drastically wrong.

There's even a set of military acronyms for it.

1) SNAFU: Situation Normal - All F***ed Up.

2) TARFU: Things Are Really F***ed Up.

and

3) FUBAR: F***ed Up Beyond All Recognition.

Seamus was dead certain that they were already well into TARFU, and headed quickly for FUBAR.

Happosai hadn't been seen for over a week since he'd vanished with his new apprentice desperately trying to follow him.

That wasn't unusual. Happi would often leave Nerima for reasons of his own. But when he did, the number of panty thefts in the neighborhood would drop to zero. At the moment, panties were still being stolen, but Happi was nowhere to be seen. Worrisome. Happi NEVER stole panties without allowing himself to be seen doing it. (The old pervert seemed to enjoy the commotion as much as he enjoyed the panties.)

So, if Happosai was the thief, why didn't he show himself to take credit? And if Happi wasn't the thief... who was?

It worried the Master of Martial Arts Construction to the point that he'd made a few phone calls, inviting a few old friends to come visit his new home in Japan.

As for the chaos that usually followed them? He shrugged it off. This was Nerima. Who'd notice?

* * *

"Once you mess around with magic, it'll always pull you back in. So don't start unless you really want to make a career of it."
- Park Cooper in 'Everything I Needed To Know About Life I Learned From DC Comics'.

Rin came running down the stairs, her face white. Ran followed close behind, clutching her san jeh gwun (three link staff).

"Elder Lilac! Elder Lilac! There are monsters on the roof!"

Lilac blinked. "Seamus, I thought you said your friend and his students were practicing up there."

"That's what *I* thought," said Seamus, scratching his head in a puzzled manner. He stuck his head out the window and shouted up to the roof. "Splinter? You seen any monsters up there?"

A wizened voice replied calmly "I have not, old friend. Although we appear to have startled two children a few moments ago."

Seamus nodded. "Thank you. I'll take care of things. Sorry to bother you." He pulled his head back in. "Don't bother Master Splinter, Rin. Or his students. That goes for you too, Ran."

The young Amazon stared at the American grandmaster. "But... but... there's a giant RAT on the roof!"

McGyver frowned. "Child, don't parade your ignorance. Don't you know a Master of the Hidden Ways school when you see one?"

"But it's a RAT! A GIANT RAT! We need to get hot water! Or an exterminator! Or SOMETHING!"

Seamus rolled his eyes in frustration at the younger generation. "Lilac? If you would?"

The Amazon elder smirked, and began to herd her two charges downstairs. "I'll explain. Doubt it'll help, though."

"Thanks, Lilac. I owe you."

"Flattery will get you almost anything," grinned the healer. "But they're YOUR guests, and you're STILL paying for all the okonomiyaki they eat."

Seamus snapped his fingers ruefully. "Damn."

Right about then, he heard a knock at the side door. Frowning, he went to answer it. The back door was for deliveries, the front for business. But the side door was the personal entrance that he, Lilac and the girls used. No one else SHOULD be using it.

Opening it, he received a pleasant surprise. Standing there was someone he recognized, indirectly.

"Sarugakure-san? What are you doing here? Last I heard, you were working for the Kuno family."

The small ninja winced slightly, then nodded. "I still am, Sensei McGyver." He pointed to the young lady accompanying him. "May my companion and I enter? We wish to speak with you."

Seamus nodded, curious. "Be welcome to this house." He grinned. "Columbian, or Kona Gold?"

Sasuke's eyes lit up. "You have Kona Gold? HERE?"

Seamus laughed. "Think I'd even set FOOT on a plane without arranging for a steady supply of the good stuff, my friend?"

Sasuke shook his head slightly. "A very foolish question, of course. My pardons."

"None needed." The master of Construction Martial Arts waved them into the hallway. "And who is this young... lady...?" Seamus cocked an eyebrow, then extended his senses, passively reading the chi faintly emanating from Sasuke's companion. He was mildly surprised at what he detected.

"Forgive me, McGyver-sensei. I am the Kunoichi Konatsu Kenzan."

"I ... see. Forgive me for staring, Konatsu-san." Seamus waved the pair to a table. "Kona Gold for me and the Runt, and what would you have, Konatsu?"

"Green tea, if I am not imposing?"

Seamus nodded in Konatsu's direction, then poured two western style mugs full of steaming coffee. He offered one to Sasuke, who accepted gratefully.

"Ahhh.. I've missed this," sighed the Kuno family retainer.

Passing a delicate cup of green tea to the younger ninja, Seamus continued on. "Working for those tightwads? I'm not surprised," he stated. "Never did understand why you returned to work for the Macadamia Nut."

"Family honor, McGyver-san. That, and I did promise Mistress Kuno that I would do my best to care for her children." Sasuke shook his head sadly. "I fear I have failed her in that charge."

"Sasuke, you forget that I KNOW him. The fool ruined my last vacation with his haircut fetish."

"I am sorry about that. Perhaps you will permit me to somehow make amends. But for now, there is something more important that we must speak of." The short ninja hunched down over his coffee mug. "Please forgive me for being so forward at this time, but the matter is urgent."

"Please, go ahead."

"Sensei, we have important information. Information that must be given to the last student of Hamato Yoshi."

* * *

The rooftop was empty and silent. A normal person would have insisted that this was true.

A normal person would have been absolutely wrong. Silent, it was. But FAR from empty.

Even the ninja and the kunoichi could sense no signs of life present. Both were quietly impressed.

Sasuke bowed deeply. "Splinter-sensei, I bring you greetings, and a warning."

There was a flicker, and the elderly rat suddenly appeared out of empty air. He held no weapons, yet only a fool could mistake the aura of skill and total confidence that clung to him like a royal mantle.

"And you are?"

"Sarugakure Sasuke, Master Splinter. Konatsu and I are two of the last ninja left in Nerima."

"Indeed," rasped the rat. "You have said that you bring greetings, and a warning. I have heard the greetings."

Sasuke nodded. "You are the last of the original Foot, Master. All that otherwise remain of the Foot clan are the corrupt who follow Oroku Saki."

Splinter stood there, impassive.

The diminutive ninja let out a weary sigh. "He has returned, Master. He was injured, badly injured. But he has returned to Japan to heal. And he has brought new recruits with him. Gaijin that he has recruited from the street scum in America."

Splinter gestured for him to continue.

"The other clans have declined to deal with him. But neither do they oppose him, Master. They feel they need not. It is their belief that circumstance will serve to remove him without any effort required on their part."

"And why do they believe this, Sarugakure-san?"

Sasuke felt his control slip slightly, and decided that, for once in his life, he didn't GIVE a damn. Taking a deep breath, and trying to swallow the lump in his throat, he delivered the final part of his message, and surrendered to the emotion bubbling up from his soul.

"He's trying to rebuild his faction of the Foot clan... in Nerima, Master Splinter!"

And with that statement the little ninja, who'd loyally served the Kuno family for so long, totally lost it. He fell down on his butt, shaking with uncontrolled laughter at the utterly dumbfounded look on the face of the mutated rat.

* * *

The four brothers were unshockable.

At least, that's what they thought.

They'd faced off with bodiless alien brains from Dimension X, giant robot killing machines, megalomaniacal ninja warlords desiring to rule the world with hordes of semi-ept ninja, and fellow mutants of every shape and sort. They'd even journeyed through time to medieval Japan, becoming minor figures of legend in the progress.

They'd seen and/or done it all. They were tough, they could take it.

However, watching their Master and father laughing helplessly, pounding his fists on a rooftop air vent while trying to catch a breath of air between whoops... this went a little beyond what they were used to.

Four brothers had a single thought.

'I wanna know what the HELL is going ON!'

* * *

"Power is an illusion, maintained by persuading people that you are powerful. Mirrors help, but self-delusion helps even more. Self-delusion fed by the desire to wield power." - Alexis Gilliland, "Long Shot For Rosinante".

Three ninja and one master of Construction Martial Arts were enjoying a drink together in the kitchen below while four other ninja attempted to eavesdrop.

"If it is not too intrusive, McGyver-san?" Sasuke looked over at Seamus curiously.

"Ask away," Seamus nodded.

"I have often wondered... why Combat Engineering Martial Arts?"

"You mean besides the fact that large wandering lizards, enraged martial artists and deranged supervillains tend to ignore little things like stone walls, skyscrapers, and large natural terrain features when those things get in their way?"

Sasuke blinked while Splinter suppressed what might have been a small laugh.

"I... ah, I had not quite thought of it that way, McGyver- sensei. But now that you mention it, it DOES make a great deal of sense."

Seamus grinned. "If you think it's bad in Nerima, you should visit Gotham City or Metropolis if you get the chance. I'm not the sort who's happy in a city, but if I were, I'd be so rich, I could probably be able to BUY the Kuno family."

"That is a pleasant thought." Sasuke closed his eyes for a moment, savoring the vision it brought to him.

Seamus refreshed the drinks. "The question that confronts us is, I believe, two-fold. What can we do about the throng of idiots that will soon flood into Nermia? And SHOULD we do anything about it? Besides sell tickets, that is?"

Konatsu looked at the older man sharply. "I do not understand, McGyver-sensei. They are ninja. Are they not a threat? I would not abide anyone or anything that might present a threat to my mistress."

"Threat?" snorted Seamus. "Konatsu-san, the only threat these mooks present is to themselves and, perhaps, to the people at large. When Saki arrives in person, HE will be a threat. As will his personal bodyguard. But the dregs he's recruiting for the Foot?" McGyver shook his head. "They're cannon fodder. No offense, Konatsu, but even having been trained by Saki's shadow, they still aren't much of a threat to the average NERIMAN martial artist."

"Don't underestimate Tatsu, old man," noted Lilac as she toddled into the room to join them. "He may be Saki's shadow, but he's an excellent sensei in his own right. Brutal, ruthless and cruel, but highly skilled."

"Point taken, Lil. But the average member of the Foot could be taken down by any one of us. Without breaking a sweat. In our sleep. Even the Academia Nut could probably mow down half a dozen or so, and do it before his morning tea."

Sasuke snickered. "Academia nut... I'll have to remember that one."

"What is known about those who will arrive here?" asked Splinter.

"Saki is said to be sending a dozen of his rank and file followers, Master, along with a single member of his Elite to command them until he and Tatsu arrive," the little ninja noted. "They're to establish a base to work from, then more will be sent to hold it and to 'take control' of Nerima before he arrives."

Seamus laughed. "And you were able to say that last bit with a perfectly straight face, too."

"Wasn't easy," Sasuke reluctantly admitted before sniggering.

The elderly rat shook his head. "I cannot believe Saki being so foolish. I knew he was without honor. I did NOT think he was stupid."

"It wasn't entirely his fault, Master. For some reason, the Clan Elders of the other families seem to have forgotten to brief Saki on the... ahh.. difficulties of serving in Nerima."

"Ouch!" winced Seamus. "They're that pissed with him?"

"Somewhat irritated might be a good description, McGyver-san," interjected Konatsu. "Perhaps they feel that a period spent in Nerima would be educational for him, after his part in the destruction of the original Foot clan."

"Oh, he'll get an education, all right," Lilac snorted. "I doubt it will stick, though. Never does, with that sort."

"How do you wish to handle this, Seamus?" Splinter asked.

McGyver hmmm'ed thoughtfully. "Konatsu has a point there. It might not stick, just as Lil says, but I think Saki has a lesson or three coming to him." He grinned evilly. "Let's educate him as to the facts of life in Nerima."

He turned to Sasuke. "Is Tatewaki still caught up in that delusion of his?"

Sasuke frowned sadly. "I fear he is even worse, Seamus-san. His obsession with being a samurai has grown even stronger."

"But his skills with the sword haven't lapsed, have they?"

"To the contrary, they have only grown with time, and his near constant battles with the young Saotome lad. Despite his problems with the watermelons."

"Watermelons? What on Earth.. Oh, forget it. I'm sure I don't want to know. Okay, then let's USE that," grinned Seamus. "Konatsu, if you would be so kind, I'd like you to inform your mistress of the upcoming arrival of the Foot clan. Sasuke? Tell Tatewaki the same thing, but phrase it in terms he can understand. Evil ninja, come to challenge the might of the Magnificent Whatever that he's calling himself these days, yadda, yadda..."

Lilac's face wrinkled up in a cruel smirk. "Oh, you're being NASTY, old man."

"And why not?" Seamus pointed out. "If anyone deserves a hefty dose of Nerima-sized insanity, it's Oroku Saki."

"You're suggesting that we deliberately point the most violent members of the Nerima Wrecking Crew at Saki?" wondered Sasuke slowly. "That's so... so... so hideously appropriate."

"Ayep. In fact, come to think of it... Happi is still in town, even if we can't find him. Has anyone seen his godson lately?"

Sasuke choked on his coffee. "Taro? I believe he was spotted about two or three weeks ago, Seamus-san. Just shortly before you arrived."

"Be a damned shame if someone happened to drop a hint that beating Saki to a pulp would earn him a name change, wouldn't it now?"

The two ninja from Nerima were now staring at Seamus with wide eyes.

"Truly, Seamus, you are a MASTER at this. You should have been a ninja yourself," said Sasuke, shaking his head slowly.

"Nah. I don't look good in black."

* * *

At the moment, Ryouga was experiencing something very rare.

He wasn't quite lost.

Oh, he didn't know EXACTLY where he was, but he knew he was in Nerima, and reasonably close to the Tendo dojo. This was highly unusual for Ryouga, and it was all thanks to Nabiki Tendo.

When Akane led him back to the Tendo residence (admittedly, at the end of a rope), Nabiki had been waiting and had gotten all of the facts the two of them possessed. Quickly adding them to what her assistants had already gathered, the middle Tendo daughter had quickly formulated a plan.

The Furinkan High School Literary Club swiftly wrote up a short, condensed version of the Happosai/Norton incident, and what it would mean to Nerima. The Art Club had turned the write-up into an easily printed flyer. To that, Nabiki had added her own advice, and had hundreds of the fliers distributed across the various neighborhoods of Nerima.

The thought of another, younger pervert, one actually trained by Happosai himself, had horrified every female in Nerima. So, as if of a single mind, they'd acted on Nabiki's suggestion.

Now, whenever any woman spotted Ryouga wandering AWAY from Nerima, he was taken by the hand and either gently guided back in the direction of the Tendo dojo, or - if the woman in question didn't have the time - bundled into a taxi-cab with instructions to the driver to take him there.

Normally, the second choice would have been impossibly expensive. Tokyo taxi drivers were among the most predatory, rapacious, money-hungry creatures on the face of the planet. They were one of the few life forms Nabiki respected. (Sharks and piranha also figured highly on that list.)

But now the cabbies faced an insurmountable threat. Their own wives and daughters. The threats they'd received from the female members of their families had reduced them to quivering masses of fear willing, even eager, to give free rides to Ryouga.

In fact, the cabbies - quickly realizing that not only was this protective of their own personal females, but could be a service to their female customers - independently began to keep a watch out for Ryouga. When a woman wasn't leading him, a cabbie was there to offer him a ride. At any moment, Ryouga could be certain of hearing one of two phrases...

From the ladies, "Let me show you the way home."

From the cabbies, "Want a ride? MY treat."

The result was, in fact, slightly embarrassing. He couldn't leave the Tendo compound if he WANTED to for much more than five minutes at a time... although he DID once, in those five minutes, get as far as the Ginza.

And he couldn't leave Nerima at all.

Not that he was complaining.

He'd eaten more home-cooked meals in the past few days than he'd usually eat in an entire month. After weeks, sometimes months, of nothing but rice and instant ramen with the occasional rabbit or fish (and he had to be damn careful around all that cold water) this was culinary heaven! He was stuffed.

And the clothes!

Once Akane had led him to her home, Kasumi had struck with all the speed and ruthlessness of a trained ninja. Before he'd realized what was happening, he'd been thrust into the bathroom with an armful of bath supplies and one of Ranma's spare "Chairman Mao" suits while Kasumi dragged his pack off to the laundry room with the aid of Akane's strong arms.

By the time he'd gotten cleaned up and dressed, every stitch of clothing he owned (except for what he'd stripped off in the bathroom and his bandanna) was undergoing the cleaning of its life at Kasumi's determined hands. She'd washed, patched and mended everything even vaguely cloth like - even his pack itself - then cleaned up his cooking pots and utensils. Her tenacity gave Ryouga mild chills.

At the moment he was somewhere outside the Tendo home, and had asked one of the very polite women to lead him to Fred Yamada's Genuine American Hamburgers yattai. He wasn't hungry, though. He had a plan.

There was one side effect of his directional curse that he didn't find too much of an annoyance. Few people knew about it. Ranma had found out quickly, of course. Nabiki might have discovered it, and Konatsu was certainly sharp enough to have noticed.

His curse might keep him from finding places, but people were another matter entirely. When Ryouga first found himself becoming regularly lost, he'd discovered that the harder someone tried to avoid him, the harder the curse would work to place Ryouga directly in their path. In some cases, he'd literally dropped out of the sky onto the person trying to hide from him.

It didn't work when HE wanted to find someone, mind you, which Ryouga found damned irritating. But when someone else was desperate to stay away from him, the curse just seemed to kick into overdrive.

And that's exactly what it was doing now.

As long as he was careful to avoid wandering out of Nerima entirely (easy enough to do at the moment, thanks to all the extra help he had), his curse seemed determined to throw him at those people who most desired to avoid him. At the moment, this included a certain young American pervert and his new sensei in lechery.

Ryouga grinned and laughed, a nasty, gloating laugh. He couldn't CATCH that bastard, not without getting lost. But that didn't stop him from standing his ground and firing off a few dozen bandannas, after chi-charging them with the Iron Cloth technique. He didn't get lost that way, and the woman-molesting punk was quickly learning that a bandanna capable of slicing through solid brick was also capable of slicing HIM into ground meat.

And that was certainly putting a crimp in Happosai's attempts to train Norton.

He turned to Fred. "One triple cheeseburger with extra onions and pickles, Yamada-san. To go, please. But NO bacon."

Fred smiled, and began to work his own Art with skilled hands. He was a martial artist too, and the burger slowly began to take shape. Slowly, because Fred understood the Rules of Life.

If you wash your car, it rains. If you get into the shower (or tub), the phone will ring. And if you try to order some fast food, something (or someone) will interrupt.

Which promptly occurred.

"Woooohooooo! Girlies!"

"NO, Apprentice! Panties first, THEN you may grope. The basics, always."

"Right on time," mused Fred. "Your burger's almost finished."

"Yep," said Ryouga. "Keep it warm for me, please?" He checked his position as Fred put his burger on a warming tray. Butt firmly seated on one of Fred's stools? Check. Bandanna? OK. Battle aura? Hot. Chi reserves? Full to the brim. Time to make the doughnuts, as that silly American commercial put it. Only one thing left.

"NORTON! PREPARE TO DIE!"

Didn't have quite the same ring as his usual battle cry, thought Ryouga, but it did have a certain pleasant sound all its own.

* * *

Norton was feeling put upon. All he was doing was gracing the lovely ladies of Nerima with his gloriously manly presence, and people kept attacking him! It was SO totally unjust.

"NORTON! PREPARE TO DIE!"

"Eeeep!" he screamed, as he leapt up the side of a building, to cling to the bottom of a balcony. "Don't DO that!"

Ryouga blinked. "Why not?"

"Because, you idiot, I can't stea.. err.. LIBERATE panties with people shouting that they're going to kill me! It really breaks my concentration!"

Ryouga had a sudden intense headache. "That is the most STUPID thing I've heard anyone say since the last speech Kuno gave."

"Kuno?"

"Ahh, never mind. Drop the panties and surrender now. If you do, I'll beat the snot out of you."

"That's supposed to be an offer?" goggled Norton.

"Well, the other choice is, you don't drop the panties, and I simply kill you." Ryouga idly twirled a bandanna in one hand. "Your choice, I don't mind."

"I think I'll choose... TORT TOSS!"

Norton threw the blazing pieces of paper faster than he'd ever thrown them before. And the gunpowder he'd taken to wrapping inside the folded papers would CERTAINLY knock this person out, leaving him in peace to plunder panties!

Ryouga had recently been experimenting with a combination of Martial Arts Origami and his traditional "Iron Cloth" technique. With a snap of his wrist, he'd shake a bandanna into the proper shape, then quickly infuse it with enough chi that it remained frozen in that shape, as hard as iron.

He ripped a second bandanna from his head, and a split-second later, both had taken a form not unlike that of traditional Japanese war fans.

"Try THIS, you cowardly trash!" shouted the Lost Boy. The fans blurred for a second, and a small blizzard of shredded paper fell at Ryouga's feet like confetti from a parade.

"HEY! You're not supposed to do that!"

"And why not?"

"Uhh... because I don't want you to?"

Even FRED was starting to get a headache at this point. How stupid could this American boy possibly BE?

* * *

A handsome young man with thick blond hair was trying to hold on to his temper as he shepherded nearly a dozen teenagers through the Los Angeles International Airport and onto a JAL flight to Tokyo.

He was proud of the fact that he'd recently become a member of his Master's Elite Guard, but understood quite clearly that as the newest rookie of that group, he'd be stuck with all the jobs and scutwork that the more experienced Elite didn't want to do.

Getting a light dozen of the his Master's ninja across the USA and into Tokyo, unnoticed by the law enforcement officials of either nation was apparently one of those jobs. (It also got him out of New York city and away from a certain TV reporter who could identify him to the police, a useful side effect.)

Not that the ninja, all newly recruited, were disobedient. No. They followed orders to the letter, with all the precision of a machine. And all the personality of one.

"I told you, you are tourists," he hissed. "Tourists do NOT glare at the people around them as if they expect to be attacked at any moment. You fools will make the police suspicious. You WILL relax, or at least pretend to. That is an ORDER. Otherwise, you will be sent back to our master in disgrace!"

The troop, dressed as a vacationing tour group, nodded in unison. This made Freddy want to flinch again. They might as well be wearing neon signs reading "ATTENTION! DANGEROUS NINJA!"

Could there POSSIBLY be any ninja in the world as inept as those he had to lead to Nerima?

* * *

Several dozen locations across Japan experienced an epidemic of sneezing. The Ministry of Health made note of this, and decided to investigate the possibility of a new variety of flu developing.

* * *

Happosai leapt down from a nearby rooftop and bounced over to Fred's yattai. Reaching up one sleeve of his robe, he pulled out a fistful of yen and handed it over to the mildly surprised chef.

"Chili-cheese fries, double cheese with some sour cream on the side. And a cola."

Fred blinked, looking from Happi over to the (small) battle raging just yards away in the middle of the street. "Shouldn't you be.. I don't know.. assisting your student or something along those lines? He seems to be getting his butt kicked."

This didn't stop Fred from accepting the yen from Happi, and his spatula-chucks swiftly moving into action. Frozen sliced potatoes were shoveled into a small frier, cheese and chili were readied, and a paper basket prepared.

The senior statesman for lechers across the planet smiled. And oddly enough, it wasn't a perverted smirk, it was a warm and friendly smile between comrades.

"Come now, Fred... you're a martial artist too. Not as skilled as Ranma, perhaps, but then again, who is? You should know that there are times when you have to let your student try things on his own, and damn the bruises. Otherwise, they won't learn. It's the CHALLENGE that builds the martial artist, Yamada-san."

Carefully lifting the fries from the hot oil, lightly dusting them with spices and sliding them into the paper basket, Fred gave a thoughtful nod.

"True, true. You don't do that, they don't become independent. So... what? When he gets his minimum daily requirement of bruises from Hibiki-san, you'll carry him off to heal?"

Happi watched eagerly as Fred ladled red chili over the fries, then covered both with shredded cheddar cheese which quickly melted into a gooey, tasty mess that was topped with a generous dollop of sour cream.

"More or less, Fred. More or less. Don't want him DEAD, mind you, just bruised and humbled. He was getting a tad uppity."

The chef grinned as he passed the order, along with a western style plastic fork, over to the aged martial artist. A can of cola accompanied the paper tray. "Let me guess... he's in a hurry, wants to do it ALL, and do it NOW, and damn what the sensei says, he KNOWS he has what it takes?"

Happosai almost choked on his soda, spilling a little of it on the yattai's counter. Grabbing a paper napkin, he wiped both the counter and his own lips. "Got it in one, Fred. Good fries, by the way!"

"Thank you, Master Happosai. It's an Art, you know."

The old man gave Fred a respectful nod. "Indeed."

* * *

Oddly enough, while Ryouga was angry, he wasn't feeling ANGRY. The usually incendiary rage that consumed him during his battles with Ranma simply wasn't there. Instead, he was feeling like... like...

He was feeling a lot like Ranma, actually.

For once in his life, HE was the faster, more agile combatant. And even more important, the more CUNNING one.

Norton, despite his newly acquired skills, seemed less focused, less able, and Ryouga was leading him through the battle as if by the nose.

Ryouga found he enjoyed it.

This must be how Ranma feels like when he pulls a fast one on me, thought the Lost Boy. I like it! I could get to enjoy this! Let's see, what would Ranma do next? Something flashy? Yeah!

"Okay, you perverted little gaijin, take this! HIBIKI BANDANNA BLITZKRIEG!"

He began to rip bandannas from his head with both hands, wadding them into tight balls, rapidly forcing ki into them, and throwing the glowing spheres of cloth at Norton in a near continuous stream.

"OUCH! HEY! THAT HURTS! STOPPIT!"

Norton rapidly discovered that, when imbued with enough ki, cloth could not only become as hard as iron, it could also become as heavy. The damned things felt like baseballs, and hit like them too. They hurt a LOT!

He ducked, he dodged, he sidestepped, but the flow of rock-hard cloth lumps continued to pelt Norton until the lech collapsed with an agonized groan.

"I recommend you stay down," Fred commented from his position of relative safety. "It will hurt less that way."

Norton merely groaned as he tried to struggle to his feet.

"I don't think so, Fred," noted Happosai, watching Ryouga stalking towards his student. "I've seen that stance before. This is probably going to hurt." He slipped from the stool and quickly scurried towards his student.

Ryouga had decided to end this fight with a new technique, one that he'd adapted from a friendly American who'd helped him find his way off of a golf course he'd gotten lost in. He hadn't intended to use it on Ranma, even Saotome didn't deserve it. Well, not yet, anyway. But this piece of trash certainly did.

I really should send Palma-sensei a nice 'Thank You' card, mused the Lost Boy. Maybe a nice bottle of sake, as well. It's the proper thing to do.

He stopped next to Norton, made certain his feet were placed properly, adjusted his grip on his umbrella, and swung.

"FORE!"

Norton went flying through the air, clutching his groin and moaning softly.

* * *

Ryouga looked about, uncertainly. "Someone help me follow him! It's not completed until I follow him!"

A woman - one of many that hovered around Ryouga recently - nodded. "Well, I can help - I saw where he landed. But why?"

"I have to make the putt!"

"The what?"

"And I'll need someone to open a manhole or something..."

* * *

Norton looked up at the evil that harassed him. Oh, great. The freaking umbrella again. And now was more intense pain- huh?

Odd. That was almost gentle. Hardly painful at all. What was the crazed bandanna boy doing... and why was he in freefall? Oh, that was why. He was falling into a- DAMMIT, THAT'S NOT FAIR!

* * *

Back at the yatai, Fred was distracted by his cell phone (a nearly universal feature of Japanese life these days.) He answered, listened, nodded, and disconnected. And then coughed.

"Ladies, no need. Hibiki-san got a hole in one."

The women cheered. One of them kissed Ryouga on the cheek. Which caused him to collapse onto one of Fred's chairs, sporting a small nosebleed.

* * *

One of the Nerima sanitation workers heard the splash and set down the manhole cover he'd just pulled up. Going over to check, he looked down the hole.

"Damn. Somebody just threw away a perfectly good white boy..."

His partner wandered over to take a look.

"Oh, crap. Give me a hand, we have to drag this guy out of the pipe before he contaminates the sewage."

"Huh?"

"That's the new pervert in town. Happosai's new apprentice."

"Oh. Do WE have to clean him up?"

"Nah. He's probably cleaner now."

"I heard that, you know," Norton said, weakly.

"You were meant to," retorted the sewer worker.

* * *

The Ambush Bug stood for the first time in Nerima, shining with an inner light. Well, he thought he was, anyway. He prepared to find his foes, his friends, his hero, his--

And then for no reason he could tell there was a sudden shock of agony to his face and he fell backwards, onto his proverbial ass, as his nose started to bleed. It might have been broken. It hurt too much to tell.

As he dizzily started to stand, an angry girl's voice was complaining in Japanese - which, actually, he DID speak - a little bit--

"RANMA! Why did you hit that man? Even if he was dressed stupidly, there was no reason to--"

"Yes there was, Akane. I dunno know what. I dunno know WHY. But I know I had to hit him now to get it out of the way. And I'll do it a lot. It's fate."

As the two passed, arguing, Irwin decided that it might be... more exciting than he'd thought.

(Yes! I already have an arch enemy!)

And for once... Irwin had NO idea.

"Yes there WAS, Akane. There's only one reason why ANYONE around here would be dressed like that, and it always - ALWAYS - means trouble for me.

Akane blinked. "And that is?"

"To challenge me in some weird martial art. And that's ALWAYS trouble."

What worried Akane at this point was the fact that what Ranma was telling her - made sense.

"And besides... he just FEELS wrong."

Akane thought about the appearance of the man Ranma had just decked. "You don't think it's some silly Insect-Fu or something like that, do you?"

"Nah, we got that _last_ month, remember?"

"Oh, yes! That silly little man who said he was King of the Moth People? Or was it the Butterfly People?"

"Don't remember. B'sides, he looked more like the Shobijin, anyway. But he sure got a lesson when he tried to kidnap Kasumi for his bride."

Butterfly people? I have relations in Japan?, was Irwin's mildly confused thought as the two passed beyond his hearing. That, and that he should perhaps find a hospital somewhere and have his nose checked out.

* * *

Ryouga smiled as one of the helpful women led him back to the Tendo dojo. It was kinda fun to play Ranma's role for once... which reminded him. Where exactly HAD Ranma been for the last week? Except for meals at the Tendos' and school, he kept vanishing.

Ryouga would never know the answer... or believe it.

Then again, only one person would... Tenorioh Wan.

* * *

Happosai gave a good-natured grumble as he headed towards his student's 'splashdown point'. While he found the extra effort to be something of an annoyance, he was certain that Norton had learned an important lesson about crawling before you learn to walk, and walking before you learn to run.

They never learn, he thought to himself. Though I shouldn't expect too much. After all, I was over-eager and greedy once myself.

Of course, Happosai, BEING Happosai, failed to recognize the crushing irony in that thought.

Bounding over to where the sanitation workers were fishing his student out of the muck, he perched atop a fire hydrant, and waved to them.

"Over here, boys! I'll take care of him!"

Both workers rolled their eyes, but they were Neriman born and bred. They realized the futility of trying to argue with Happosai unless you possessed at least a dan ranking in some martial art. (And even then, you were likely to get badly beaten. Unless Happi was in a good mood at the time.) So they dragged the younger lecher over as Happi directed, and laid him out on the street near the hydrant.

"Thanks, boys! Here, have a panty. My treat!" Happosai tossed each of them a pair of cheap rayon panties. (He'd already drained them dry, but hey, it was the thought that counted, right?) Both workers reluctantly accepted the gift - it's never a good idea to insult a Grandmaster of the Anything Goes School - and found other places that they needed to be at the moment. Places where Master Happosai wasn't.

Happi took a long drag from his pipe, knocked out the coals, and blew through it to make certain it was out. Then he hopped straight up into the air, swinging the pipe beneath him, to strike the hydrant.

The locking nut on the hydrant spun free, and a powerful jet of water surged forth, soaking Norton from head to toe in an instant, cleansing him of the assorted bits of sewage still clinging to his body.

"GLARG!" Norton spat as some of the water went up his nose.

"Good to see you're awake, m'boy. Now, come along. We have more training to do."

"But Maaaaaaaster..."

"But NOTHING! Hibiki kicked your ass, and did it without any real effort. And if HE can defeat you, you certainly have no chance whatsoever against my OTHER heir, boy. Now! MORE TRAINING!"

Norton groaned.

"But as you ARE exhausted, we'll stop by the Tokyo Playboy Club for a quick recharge. I expect that will pep you up, eh?"

"WOOHOO!"

"Thought so."

* * *

Ninja are not normally known for letting grass grow under their feet. Neither Konatsu nor Sasuke did so.

At the Ucchan's, the male kunoichi was explaining to his mistress who Oroku Saki was, and the danger that he represented. Though at first, Ukyou had a SLIGHT bit of difficulty taking the matter seriously.

* * *

"He dresses like a CAN OPENER?"

* * *

Sasuke, on the other hand, found much more fertile ground upon which to spin his tale. Granted, it was a story that had only the most tenuous connections with reality, but that was all right. It was for the consumption of Tatewaki Kuno, after all.

"You say this vulgar assassin seeks to challenge the righteous glory and might that is the Blue Thunder, most loyal Sasuke?"

"Indeed, Master. Stories of your martial prowess have reached even the furthest reaches of the lands across the Pacific, and this self-proclaimed 'Master of the Foot' seeks to do combat with you. Even now, he sends forth his minions to do battle with you, in hopes of weakening you so that he might come upon you, unawares."

"No doubt the vile creature will essay to make common cause with the foul sorcerer Saotome, thinking to divert my attention at some vital moment. Set a watch upon the evil magus, loyal Sasuke, and thus we will discover the moment at which they would attempt to strike!"

"Indeed, my master." If medals were awarded for self-control, Sasuke was certainly going for the silver, if not the gold.

"And properly reward the commoner who has revealed to you the dark presence of this loathsome creature," Kuno continued in a portentous manner. "You may inform him that he may revel in the thought that he has assisted the Powers of Light in some small and unimportant degree."

"Most generous of you, Master."

"Generosity is, after all, the hallmark of a samurai, my most faithful retainer. Now, go. Discover for me when the despicable lackeys of this noisome manslayer will arrive, that I might confront them with the might that is the BLUE THUNDER!" Lightning flashed in the distance behind Kuno.

"Yes, Master! Right away!" I really wonder how he does that, mused the short ninja as he scurried away.

* * *

Two figures departed the train. One, female. One, male. The male, a staggeringly handsome example of the breed, knelt and began to kiss the cement of the station's platform. "I was inside the train! THANK you sensei, for letting me be inside the train!"

"You earned it, teishi. Now, we both should get home, and prepare. Who knows what challenges the morning may bring?"

"And you're really serious about that, aren't you?"

"I always am, when it comes to battle," the woman responded. Her beauty matched the man's comeliness. "Now, go home and rest. Tomorrow is another day."

And they parted ways.

***************************************************************

Author's notes:

Again, I find myself well behind schedule.

Aili's cancer has returned, and her doctors find that they cannot subject her to the levels of chemotherapy that they would choose, as often as they'd like, as she is having reactions to the most commonly used drugs. Her bone marrow shuts down under their impact, and her platelet levels drop, leaving her hemophiliac and in danger of bleeding seriously from even the most minor of injuries.

They are, thereby, forced to delay her chemo in order to give her bone marrow time to recover.

I am worried.

Additionally, her father has been diagnosed with cancer himself, esophageal cancer in his case. As this is a throat cancer, and reasonably easy to reach, his doctors have high hopes, or so Aili tells me. She's more worried about her father than she is about herself. Is it any wonder I care for her?

The "Hibiki Bandanna Blitzkrieg" is from the fanfic "Hotaru 1/2", by Gregg Sharpe and is used with his permission.

The Shobijin are, in English, the twin fairies that appear in the Japanese monster movie "Mothra", whose singing summons Mothra to Tokyo in his giant caterpilar form.

I'd like to thank Robert "Kenko" Haynie, who contributed outright many of the scenes in this chapter, and spent a lot of time online helping me to get the humor just right. He also allowed me to borrow the character of Fred Yamada, and his All-American Hamburger yattai from the wonderfully hilarious story, "Girl Days".

Thanks again, Kenk.

All characters, including the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, are copyrighted to their creators and owners. They are used (with the exceptions noted above) without permission or intent to profit.