Notes: Domina Mortis comes from the Latin and is roughly translated from 'Lady of Death'

0o0

When Snape woke up in the hospital, he had been so appalled that he survived - that he sneered at the boy, who was now the man who lived to torment him another day - until he finally went away and left him alone.
The healer scolded him, saying that Harry Potter had been visiting every day for all the two weeks that he took to recover and wake up.
It had been the trauma of being bitten by the bloody snake that made him lash out - as always - and even though the boy irritated him to no end, he felt a little bad for pushing him away.
As expected, the boy didn't appear again while he remained in for 2 months. No one came to visit - as he expected - but at least Aurors were not waiting to take him to Azkaban. It seems that after the war, the first thing that the boy who lived tried to do with his influence was to have Snape pardoned and everyone was content to do as the boy wished.

When he was about to leave the hospital, however, he found that Potter kept an eye on his recovery and was already there, ready to take him home.
Uncomfortable and humiliated, Snape wanted to lash out again on their way back to Spinner's End through a muggle mean he never used before - a taxi. Potter had said that he was still too wounded to apparate and that it would be safe.
Not knowing how to say thank you - a sour bastard as he was and feeling so embarrassed to be seen in his tattered robes and in such a weak state - Snape ended up closing the door with a bang on Potter's face when he asked hopefully 'Can I help you settle down, Professor?'

He just wanted a minute to himself, but he was so frantic that instead of making an excuse or going to another room, he had done that. He didn't actually want to be by himself but was also embarrassed to have Potter seeing in what state he lived in.
He cleaned his house with magic as best as he could, trying to see how a visitor would perceive his habitation - Pettigrew hadn't counted, he couldn't care less about what the rat thought, and the Black sisters only visited his living room - but didn't have enough energy to do a thorough job.
The next day, he was slightly disappointed that Potter didn't come, although he didn't blame the boy.

As the months went by, Snape feared for his savings that were dwindling and he didn't know what he would do to survive. If McGonagall had forgiven him, she surely would have let him know that he could get either of his jobs back. As she never wrote or visited him, he thought he knew the answer. He felt a pang every time he thought of her because she had been one of the few people who had liked him for himself.
Snape also didn't know what was happening to him, but sometimes tears would blurry his vision, no matter how much he tried to repress it. As an introverted who prided on knowing himself, he soon realized that without the masks that he had put on for decades, the constant stress and demands from two masters stronger than him (one was a tyrant, the other was only a little better), he was free to grieve. And he couldn't hold his sadness back anymore. Even his occlumency shields were weaker now. If he still had to be a spy, he would have been doomed.
He heard somewhere that a traumatic event like the bloody snake bite could do that to someone.

Snape felt like he had paid his dues by protecting the god damn boy who lived, he didn't plan on surviving, neither he wished to. He felt that it was actually a terrible thing to be alive and probably hated by everyone. He didn't even have enough galleons to move to another country.

An idea started brewing in his mind and the more he grieved - like a ghost haunting his house as if he was already dead - the better the idea sounded.
He never forgot a certain potion called Domina Mortis because he came upon it after Lily stopped talking to him and definitely decided to use it again when he himself caused her death. Thanks to Dumbledore - who knew exactly what he needed, a reason to live - he ended up forgetting the potent potion. Domina Mortis would first put you in dreamless sleep, then it would embrace you in the best memories you had in life, making you relieve it while you wasted away without any suffering.

He had no one in this world. Maybe he never did. Even his mother hadn't been strong enough to leave his father and end both of their torment from his father.

He was lonely.

And very sad.

The problem was that Domina Mortis took exactly three months to be ready. Not even a bloody poly juice potion took that long, something that he always had in hand, just in case when he had been a spy. Even Wolf's Bane - the most troublesome potion Albus forced him to brew for an old, hated enemy didn't take that much time.
He had felt a twinge when he heard the werewolf had died. Snape had saved Lupin's life, ending up hitting one of the Weasley's twins instead, adding to his long list of regrets.

He wanted to end his suffering now but muggle means like taking their crazy drubs or jumping off the bridge two streets beyond his house sounded messy... And undignified. As a Potion's Master (or maybe the Association would even revoke his license), he thought that those muggle drugs would kill the person in tremendous agony. It's just that no one survives to say that it is a terrible method of suicide.

With his isolation, he had a lot of time to think. He realized that Albus had been his only friend in his entire life. Maybe not even Lily had really liked him because she didn't forgive him in the end.
Albus was sometimes tough as a general and at other times, a little exploitive but that was because Snape had been a spy. The Headmaster always seemed in pain when asking him to do something dangerous or that required courage. When he came back from Death Eater meetings, he could swear sometimes that the damned old man wanted to hug him or something. Obviously, no one who knew him would dare to do something so foolish and that would get them hexed, but Albus seemed to care for him.
Snape had opened up about somethings he never told anyone, like how he pretended to not care how hated he was but that in fact, he did. When not being able to say things that would sound like pity, Albus would just give him a beautiful glass of his best fire whiskey - which became Snape's favorite.
He dreaded doing what his friend asked of him all the way and when he finally killed Dumbledore, part of him was destroyed forever. Since then, it was extremely difficult to wake up in the morning and just... live. He really counted on not surviving the war. He never, for a second, thought that something so terrible like his survival would happen.
If only he had Albus, he would be able to go on. He didn't realize how much he cherished Albus' friendship and support - despite all of the sentimental Gryffindor's flaws - until he was gone. By his own hands.

And now he would have to wait for three months until he could finish what the war refused to do.

After he came back from the hospital and he slammed the door at Potter's face, it was with surprise that he heard a knock at his door, a week later. The doorbell had been broken long ago and he didn't know how to fix it, neither he had the galleons to do so. He wondered for a few seconds if he should remain on his favorite old chair, staring at a wall - pretending to read - and ignore the knock. Maybe it was just a rare neighbor coming to see who was there as the lights were lit at night lately when he was usually away for most of the year. Just the thought of getting up and walking five steps to the door was really draining.

It was Potter.
'Hello, Professor Snape.'
He stared at the boy who lived and then at what he was carrying. Potter had a paper bag with him and was smiling up, hopefully. Then he wrinkled his nose a bit and tried to cover it up.
Immediately, Snape became aware that he hadn't bathed for... dear gods, hopefully, only two days but he was afraid that it could be longer than that. He had just gone through some grieving episodes and when he came out of his misery, many days have passed.
He hadn't eaten either and the smells coming from the packet made his stomach come alive.
'What do you want?' He asked in his blunt way, already regretting his attitude. He resolved to breathe before being rude or shoving the door on Potter's face again. Maybe talking to someone, even James bloody Potter's son could help him not to drawn in his own misery.

Potter raised his bag. 'I brought food. I am sorry, I just wanted to talk to you for a while. I hope I am not asking too much.'
So the man-boy comes here and pretends that he is the one needing help. Maybe Potter will never learn to be subtle. The boy sounded like he has been instructed by Granger. At least it gave him the dignity to pretend that he was indeed, making the boy a favor.

'Ah... I... Well, come in. But I can't entertain you for long.'
'Oh, it's fine.' Potter smiled brightly with Lily's eyes shining up at him, making his stomach flip. 'I am really hungry too so we just share a meal together, and then I'll be on my way.'
Snape just nodded stiffly, wondering where they could sit in a way that he could keep Potter far away from him. There was the kitchen but he was brewing there so unfortunately, they would have to eat in the living room, making his books smell of takeaway curry.

After bringing two cups of water from the kitchen, Snape indicated Potter should sit on the other chair - not his favorite - with a stiff gesture of his chin - and then moved to his own place.
Silently and smiling like a loon, Potter brought up the food, talking nonsense about how it was from his favorite place and how he almost spilled everything when he apparated with the food.
'You can't apparate carrying liquids... or a baby with you, for that matter.' Snape snorted.
The boy grinned sheepishly. 'You know how I was in school, never paying attention to the lessons. Maybe because there was a maniac after me. But I've learned my lesson. And they really wrap the food well in this Pakistani restaurant, see? There are no spills.'
'You were just lucky this time.' Snape said, taking a bite of rice and having to stop a groan of pleasure. He was really, really hungry.
They ate in silence and Snape peeked at Potter to see if he was being observed. He was very self-conscious about eating and showing his crooked and yellow teeth, but he didn't have to worry. The boy was devouring his food and only had eyes to it like he was starving and with very little manners. Snape scrunched his face in disgust and stopped looking.
Snape finished eating first, even though Potter had been swallowing his food at light speed. He rested his back in his comfortable but very old chair, crossed his legs, then his fingers in a majestic gesture, and then asked. 'What is this visit about, Potter?'
The boy raised his thick eyebrows, took a swallow of water to wash away the food - making Snape cringe in disgust - and then said. 'Hum... I was just curious. We never talked since I got your memories.' And like he suddenly remembered about them, he looked worried. 'The healers returned them to you, I trust?'
Snape nodded briefly.
'Curious about what?'
'Well... everything.' Potter gestured with his hands exaggeratedly. 'First of all, I want to thank you for everything you did for me. I was crushed when I found out how much you helped me only when I thought you were dead. And how did you even survived? Even if for me, you were still a Death Eater that killed...'
At Snape's wince, Potter's face scrunched and he shifted his words with no subtlety at all. '...anyway, I believed in what I was supposed to of course, you were a great spy and hero all along...'
'If you think I am a hero, then you are the only one, .' Snape snorted.
Harry looked at him, stricken. 'Is that what you think? The Weasleys would love to have you for dinner but...but being the way you are, they are just afraid that you would close the floo on their faces. And Professor McGonagall...'
'Don't even start with me, Potter.' Snape interrupted angrily. 'Minerva had a long time to visit me at the hospital or in here, and no one tried. Like I would believe in any of this nonsense. I was hated even before all I've done... After murdering Al...'
Potter approached and put his hand over his knee, stricken. Snape jerked away, making the boy raise his hand and step back to his creaking chair.
'Believe me, Headmistress McGonagall feels awful because she dueled you. She feels guilty and thinks that she should have known you would never have betrayed us. When she talks about you, her eyes fill with tears. She thinks that you hate her for having so little faith in you.'
Snape looked away, wavering. All he wanted was for McGonagall - the only one he still cared about - to forgive him. To have the Weasleys too... He peered at Potter. The boy wasn't cruel enough to invent lies like that. Albus had been right, Potter was much more like Lily than his father. He tried to help Snape when he was dying, even though he had killed Dumbledore and Potter thought he was a traitor.

'Anyway.' He said, breathing faster. He knew he was about to kick Potter out. He was overwhelmed by his brilliant presence, full of hope, and a life ahead of himself. With so many friends, unlike Snape. He doubted that his life could be any different. 'Even if it is true, I just want to be alone.' He raised his voice despite his initial decision. 'Get out.'
Potter thinned his lips but then nodded. At the door, however, he turned a little and murmured. 'I'll be going now but I'll always be back.'

0o0

This time he seemed to have really done it because Christmas was approaching and there was no sign of Potter. He was the only one who tried to talk to him and Snape had pushed him away. It had been three weeks (more than last time) and Snape had lost himself in long flashbacks of pain and torment and there was no one to stop him and bring him back to this world.
Still, the potion would take as long as it would and he kept to his decision.
There was really nothing to him in this world, there never was.

0o0

Only one more chapter to /

Review is fuel, thank you!br /

Be well.

I hope to meet you on my tumblr. Link in bio.