With many apologies to Lin-Manuel Miranda and Leslie Odom Jr., and no apologies to Disney whatsoever.

Brought to you by my local bubble tea shop, whose baristas keep giving me a large drink even when I order a small. Hello sugar high-induced productivity, RIP my sleep cycle.

How does an Irish, preteen, self-styled criminal
and genius, a lollipop disliker in a forgotten series
from twenty years ago, a kidnapper and structural
antagonist, end up as an incompetent protagonist?

This kid, temporarily without his father
Got a lot farther by working a lot harder
By being a lot smarter, by being a self-starter
At age ten, his family were not considered paupers

And every day, while books were being acquired and carted away
To the big screen, he struggled and kept his guard up
Inside, he was longing for a movie to be a part of
Our boy was ready to dart, steal, blackmail, and outsmart 'em

Then Harry Potter came, and record profits reigned
Each sequel made more money fly everywhere like rain
The author took his pencil, connected it to his brain
And he wrote some more adventures before fan interest waned

Well, the word got around. They said, these books aren't so lame, man
Took up a collection just to get the franchise to expand
Go get your adaptation, don't forget your claim to fame
And the world's gonna know your name

What's your name, man?

Artemis Fowl on Disney Plus
My name is Artemis Fowl on Disney Plus
And there's a ton of gold I need to get
But just you wait, just you wait

When he was ten his father left, setting out on a mission
But he was caught, he got lost, taken out of commission
Thought dead, his folks left to mourn him, in disbelief
Our boy stuck it out, his mother had no relief

Moved in with Miramax, but the studio got acquired twice
Left him with nothing but the rights stuck in production hell
A voice saying, Arty, you gotta do it yourself
He started retreating and reading every script on his dad's shelf

There would have been nothing left to do for someone less astute
He woulda been broke or destitute without a cent of restitution
Started writing, fighting with his old producer's corporate board
Recruiting Judi Dench & other actors who he can't afford
Pushing for every reshoot he can get his hands on
Throwing out the plot
See him now in the trailer for the movie from back when they still had a plan

The movie's not gonna get him new fans
The movie's not gonna have any fans (bis)

Just you wait!

Artemis Fowl on Disney Plus
We were waiting in the sequels for you
They could never back down
They could never learn to use the book

Artemis Fowl on Disney Plus
When the critics come for you
Will they know everything you did?
Will they know you weren't just some kid?

The series will never be the same, oh

The film is out on streaming now
See if you can spot him
Another YA lead coming up from the bottom
Disney destroyed his rep, all his fans forgot him

LEP: We fought with him
BUTLER: Me, I died for him
HOLLY: Me, I trusted him
JULIET: Me, I made a sandwich for him
ROOT: And me? I'm the damn fool who lost to him!

There's a ton of gold I need to get
But just you weigh —
What's your name, man?
Artemis Fowl on Disney Plus!