AN: Set after 3.18 when Claire realises she is in love Dr Melendez. Morgan has already left after having surgery on her hands and damaging them.

Chapter 1

"I think I'm in love with my boss."

There. Claire had admitted it out loud. But she was still having trouble accepting it herself. Sure, she had always felt an attraction to Neil. He was a handsome man, and a brilliant surgeon. How could she not? Even Shaun had pointed out once how she had been unintentionally flirting with Neil. So maybe it had always been there...

But he was her boss.

And her friend. She wasn't sure she could have gotten through these last few months without him. She had been so angry and so lost after losing her mother. And she felt so alone. She'd lost faith in everyone and herself. But he had restored it. He's listened to her when she needed to talk, been there for her when she needed someone, taught her to have fun, and that it was ok to be angry at her mother. He showed her how to believe in people again. To get help.

That's why she had been so angry when Morgan had complained about her relationship with Neil. She needed their friendship, and was so insulted that everyone thought he was being a good mentor to her because of sex, instead of her actually being a good doctor. Like it was the only reason. Which is why she'd been trying to ignore these rising feelings towards Neil. She didn't want to prove everyone right. Besides, he made it very clear how he felt about keeping things professional between them. There's no way he felt the same way about her.

She had to find a way to get rid of these feelings. She didn't want to lose him.

"You think?" Dr Sullivan said softly raising an eyebrow at Claire; "You're not sure?"

Claire rubbed her hands together chuckling nervously; "No."

When Claire didn't say anymore, Dr Sullivan continued; "Tell me about your relationship with Dr Melendez."

Claire looked at her confused for a moment, furrowing her brow as she turned her head thinking; "Um...well he's my friend and my boss."

"Go on."

"He's been a really good friend. He ran with me as a way to clear my head and have fun. He listened to me when I was upset and gave me advice." Claire paused; "He told me it was ok for me to be angry at my mom for leaving me, and he helped me believe in myself again. To believe in others." She shrugged smiling; "He's been there for me when I needed someone. And he's a good mentor."

Dr Sullivan nodded, her expression giving nothing to what she was thinking; "And how do you feel about him?"

"Like I said I'm not sure..."

"That's ok. Tell me what you do feel."

Claire opened her mouth, but nothing came out. Her heart raced and she was scared to say her feelings aloud. But she wasn't sure why.

"Take your time." Dr Sullivan said.

Taking a deep breath Claire looked away as she spoke; "I...I respect him. He's a brilliant surgeon and a good mentor. And like I said he's my friend, so I care about him." Then she quickly added; "Like I do all my friends." She glanced at Dr Sullivan unsure what she expected, but felt like she needed to know if that was the right answer. But Dr Sullivan showed no indication of what she thought, and didn't stop her, so Claire continued; "Um he challenges me. Making me want to be a better doctor, a better surgeon. He's funny." Claire said smiling; "He makes me have fun. In fact, I find sometimes I can't stop smiling around him. And I get this giddy sensation occasionally when I'm with him. It's kind of hard to explain. I've never felt this way about anyone else. It's kind of overwhelming and scary."

"So he means a lot to you?"

Claire lifted her head startled, and felt her cheeks heating up; "Well...yeah I guess he does."

"Have you ever felt the urge to kiss him?"

Her eyes widened and she looked away embarrassed really not wanting to talk about this.

"Claire it's ok. There's nothing to be ashamed of if you have."

"Maybe once or twice." Claire finally admitted; "But it was only for a moment and it passed. I assure you I would never cross that line with him."

"Why's that?"

Frowning, Claire looked at her surprised; "He's my boss. I can't..."

"What if he wasn't your boss?"

"But he is..." Claire said not following.

"Hypothetically, if he wasn't. What then?"

"Well he's my friend."

"And you don't date your friends?"

"What exactly are you trying to say? That I should tell him how I feel? Date him?"

"I'm not here to tell you what to do Claire. I'm here to help you understand your feelings and decide yourself what to do. Now I can't tell you how you feel about Dr Melendez, only you know how you feel. But I will say the root of your problems is that you run from your feelings, and keep people at arms length never letting them in."

Claire looked away and Dr Sullivan nodded sympathetically.

"You've been through a lot Claire. As a child, your mother failed to take care of you as a mother should. She hurt you, she ignored you, she left you alone, she tried to kill you. And you had to deal with that all alone, still continuing to care for your mother when she should have caring for you."

"She's my mother. I had to."

"You felt obligated to because you wanted her to get better, so she could be your mother again. So you could be a family again."

"She told me if I told anyone else, they'd take me away from her and I'd never see her again." Claire said closing her eyes at the painful memories.

"You were forced to take on enormous responsibilities Claire. You were only a child, and yet you had to act like a grow up to not only take care of yourself, but your mother as well. You've taken care of everyone else, and never let anyone take care of you. It's understandable why you became a doctor. But as a result, you've put up walls around yourself to make sure no one hurts you again. That's why you can't have any proper relationships with men. Why you used them only for sex. You don't let them get close to you, because you're afraid they'll hurt you like your mother did. Even now, you're afraid to let anyone else care for you. You didn't tell any of your friends or co-workers about your mother's death. Why?"

"I don't know." Claire shrugged but she did.

"Because you were trying to deal with it alone, like you have everything your whole life. You believed you had to."

"What could they have done?" Claire snapped waving her hands; "If I told them they'd just say how sorry they were and they'd look at me like..."

"Like what?"

"Like I was weak. They'd pity me. View me as emotionally compromised, that I couldn't do my job."

"Everyone has to grief Claire. And grieving means being vulnerable. There's nothing wrong with being weak. Everyone feels weak at one time or another. You lost your mother, I'd be more concerned if you weren't emotionally compromised. It doesn't make you any less of a doctor, or a person. The point is you don't have to go through something like this alone."

"I've been alone my whole life." Claire said tiredly; "I guess I've gotten so used to that, I still believe it."

"You're not going to be able to move on until you start letting people in Claire. Starting with Dr Melendez."

Claire looked at her in shock; "You think I should tell him how I feel?"

"Yes. But first I think you need to come to terms yourself with how you feel about him. You're confused and scared right now, and that's understandable. Your whole life you've had to supress your own feelings and needs to look after your mother. But it's time to start embracing them."

"So do you think I'm in love with him?"

Dr Sullivan took a breath; "I can't tell you how you're feeling Claire. Like I said only you can determine how you feel. But I will say that from the way you talk about him, that he must mean more to you than just your friend or boss. I think you need to take the time to figure out exactly what Dr Melendez means to you, and then decide what you want to do."

"What to do?" Claire frowned; "I can't do anything. Even if I was in love with him, I can't be with him. He's my boss."

"What about Dr Lim and Dr Melendez? They were together."

"They were both attendings, and they broke up when she became Chief because she became his boss." Claire shook her head frustrated; "I just...Can't you tell me how to make these feelings go away so I can go back to just being friends with him?"

"No Claire I can't. For one, because you have to stop running from your feelings. And two, I don't think that's what you really want. Is it?" When Claire didn't respond, Dr Sullivan leant forward; "I understand that it's an issue because he's your boss. But it's not a law that you cannot date, it's only discouraged to ensure harmony among the staff."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying, don't use the fact he's your boss as an excuse to push him away. Take some time to sort through your feelings. If you decide you really view him as a friend then ok. But if you realise you do have romantic feelings for him, you cannot just ignore them and hope they go away. You need to decide whether you believe it's worth the risk to be him, and if not, you need to decide what you are going to do. Whether you can still work with him or not. But if you do have feelings for him, you have to tell him."

"What if he doesn't feel the same way about me?"

"Then you'll know and you can move on. But if you don't tell him you'll never know."

"I'm scared." Claire murmured meeting Dr Sullivan's gaze. Telling Neil how she really felt...for him to reject her, she could never work with him again. And she wasn't sure it was worth the risk to lose him as a friend and mentor.

"I know. Putting your heart out there is the biggest risk someone takes. Yes, there is always a chance you can get hurt. That's why it's a risk. And whilst putting walls up protects you from getting hurt, it also stops you from feeling the good things. Like love."

"What do I do now?"

"I think until you sort through your feelings, perhaps it will be best to distance yourself from Dr Melendez outside of work. That will ensure your feelings are not clouded, and by going back to just a professional relationship will help you decide if that's what you want, or if you want more."

"I'm not sure if I'm ready. These feelings are a little overwhelming. I don't know if I want to feel this way. He's the first guy whose actually been a real friend, and he's my mentor. I don't want to screw that up by these confusing feelings. Like you said I've never had a real relationship before, and I've used men for sex, I don't want to do that to Neil. I don't want to hurt him. What if these feelings are that transference thing. Because he's my boss, my mentor and friend, and I'm just confused? Is that possible?"

"Of course. That's what you need time to figure out. And just because you have feelings for him doesn't mean you have to jump into a relationship. On the contrary, if you truly love him, you need to take it slow with a relationship. But we can talk about that more in our next session. For now, just focus on trying to decipher your feelings and what you want."

Claire knew Dr Sullivan was right. But how was she supposed to decide what she wanted? She didn't want to lose Neil. Yet, whatever she decided to do, it felt like she would lose him.