AN: Okay so I'm blaming my sad playlist on spotify for this. Clearly I was not okay when I had this idea a couple of days ago. This isn't exactly how I imagined it but it was a lot more difficult than I thought it'd be to write. For now it's a oneshot but depending on the response I might add another chapter. I primarily listened to Hold On by Chord Overstreet when writing this so that's where the title comes from. I'm terrible at naming fics.

As always... I own nothing.

~X~

Olivia tapped her foot nervously as she waited for Rafael to answer the door. His doorman had recognized her and let her in and she hadn't told him she was coming. Truthfully she hadn't known she was coming until she realized she was parked across the street from his building. But then aside from the cribs, where else was she going to go? The door opened and she raised her eyes to look at her friend.

Rafael's face dropped when he took in her tearful eyes and exhausted demeanor and he immediately opened his door wider to invite her in. With the door closed behind her, he reached out and took the bag from her shoulder, leading her into the living room. He watched her drop onto the couch, though she didn't look as at ease in his apartment as she had done the times she had visited before. Dropping the bag behind the couch, he sat down across from her the worried question evident in his eyes.

"I think I just left Elliot." Her voice was husky from the crying and she sounded defeated.

His heart ached for her and without a word, he moved to the kitchen to retrieve some glasses and a bottle of scotch, thinking of the first time she'd confided in him that things weren't great in her relationship.

~X~

Rafael's step faltered when he entered the SVU squadroom. It was almost ten PM, he hadn't expected anyone to still be here and yet the area was lit by the soft glow coming from Olivia's office. The blinds were closed but the door lay open so he made his way over and leaned against the doorway. He watched her for a moment when he realized she hadn't noticed him yet.

Olivia was sitting at her desk, her eyes burning holes into the wooden surface. She may physically be sitting right in front of him but mentally she was miles away. He knocked gently in an attempt not to startle her but it was useless and she jumped out of her skin as her head snapped up to look at him.

He smiled gently as he slowly approached her. "Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you." She gave him a small smile in return but it didn't quite reach her eyes as she took a calming breath. "I wasn't expecting anyone to be here, it's late."

At his statement she was quick to avert her eyes and Rafael frowned in concern. "Everything okay?"

The nod she supplied in return wasn't even slightly convincing so he planted himself in the chair across from her and relined against the back, all thoughts of work gone. She seemed to realize that until she gave an honest answer, he wasn't going anywhere and she sighed, fidgeting with a pen as she spoke up.

"I guess I just don't wanna go home."

That wasn't what he expected. He'd assumed it was one of their cases that had kept her this late. Never once had the thought of trouble at home ever crossed his mind. Now, though, his head was spinning as he tried to think of what the problem was. She must've seen the wheels turning in his mind and before he could open his mouth, she gave him his answer.

"Things haven't been too good with Elliot recently. We haven't been fighting, we're just not talking either. About anything. And when we do it's always tense, we never talk about the important things anymore."

Rafael wasn't sure what to say. He might be good in a courtroom, but when it came to personal conversation, usually he drew a blank. He was surprised, too. Usually he'd have to drag an admission like this out of Olivia but tonight he'd barely had to say a word. It was then that he noticed how exhausted she looked.

"You sleeping okay, Liv?"

She let out a deep sigh and leaned back in her chair. She shook her head and took her eyes from his again. "Not really. It's been hard... Therapy helps sometimes but even that can keep me awake. Elliot thinks I should see my doctor but they'll just give me sleeping pills. He's annoyed that I don't seem to want to help myself but after Lewis..." She trailed off and when she looked back at him he could see the tears there.

"I get it." She didn't have to explain herself to him. Really, she shouldn't have to explain herself to Elliot either. "Have you told him that?"

She shook her head again. "He struggles when we talk about SVU or about Lewis."

"Struggles how?" He fought hard to keep the annoyance out of his voice. It might not be a pleasant topic but it was a very real thing that had happened, and Elliot trying to act like it hadn't wasn't going to solve anything, least of all help Olivia heal.

Olivia shrugged. "When we talk about SVU it brings back all the bad memories, like the shooting, the times we fucked up, like with Gitano. Things like that. He doesn't want to talk about it."

"And Lewis?"

Olivia was quiet for a long moment and he was debating whether or not to press the issue gently when she gave him his answer. "He wasn't here when it happened. He blames himself for not being here, he blames Nick for not looking out for me or checking in, he blames Cragen for sending me home. He blames everyone except for Lewis. There's so much anger in him surrounding the whole thing but he won't get help. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of having to defend my squad. Nobody but Lewis is to blame for what happened, if I can see that and actually believe it, Elliot should be able to as well."

It was Rafael's turn to let out a long sigh. Now wasn't the time for him to get pissed at Elliot, but if nothing had changed by the next time they crossed paths he'd be sure to let him know exactly what he thought. He didn't know Elliot well, only the stories he'd heard from his time in SVU and the few times they'd met for Lewis' trial, but that wouldn't stop him.

"It's not healthy for him to keep it all inside. He's reverted back to how it was when we were partners. We both have. We don't talk about the important things, we bottle everything up until we are barreling toward a blow up argument. We know how this ends and yet neither of us are doing anything to stop it. I don't know how to stop it."

"You put your big girl pants on. Find the strong, sassy, badass Detective Benson, sit him down and make him listen to you. Tell him he doesn't have to say anything in return, just listen to you, really listen." He gave her a kind smile. "It won't be easy, far from it, but you can do it."

Olivia nodded as she mulled it over in her head, trying to figure out what she'd even say to him. There were so many things they had to talk about, she had no idea where to start. Would it be better to start small and work their way up to the big stuff? Or get the bigger issues out of the way first and everything after that would be easy? She just hoped she wouldn't chicken out when it came to actually having the conversation. She and Elliot had never been very good at that, instead they relied on distractions and wordless communication to avoid the elephant in the room until it either disappeared or it all came to a head. Historically it tended to end in an explosive argument in the middle of the squadroom. At least that wouldn't be the case this time.

"Go home, Liv. You don't have to talk to him tonight, but staying here all night won't help anything. Also, if you're having trouble sleeping and want to talk, I'm here. My phone is always on, I never sleep either. And if you ever need a little space, my spare room is always ready for you. You don't even need to call."

She didn't realize what she was doing until she was standing in front of him. She pulled him into a tight hug and whispered an emotional 'Thank you' in his ear. He returned the hug and repeated his promise to be there for her. When they parted he gave her hand one last squeeze before he turned and disappeared, leaving her to shut down her office and go home.

~X~

Olivia sat on his couch staring at the almost untouched glass of scotch in her hand. She'd long since shed her jacket, her shoes on the floor in front of her. She wasn't even sure what the catalyst had been in her argument with Elliot that night, all she could think about now was that he hadn't even tried to stop her from leaving.

Instead, he'd stayed planted on the couch, watching her as she lugged her full gym bag to the door. He'd stayed silent even when she pulled on her jacket and then with tears streaming down her face, she'd taken off the diamond ring he'd given her mere months ago, and left it on the kitchen counter.

"How did it end up like this? After everything we've been through. Was this inevitable? Did everyone but me see this coming? He didn't even try to stop me." Olivia's eyes burned with tears again as she brought her gaze to meet Rafael's.

He hesitated for only a second before he rounded the coffee table and sat down beside her. She let her head fall against his shoulder and released a long breath when he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. If he was honest, there had been a few times recently when he had started to wonder whether Olivia's relationship was going to survive. Both individually and as a couple, she and Elliot had seen more than their fair share of struggles in recent times and neither of them were good at dealing with the uncomfortable conversations.

Olivia closed her eyes against the sting of the tears. Her whole face was aching from the cry she'd had in the car on her way here. As she sat in Rafael's comforting hold, she let her mind wander to one of their many late night conversations in one of their offices after work.

~X~

Olivia raised an eyebrow as she walked into the office and saw Rafael still at his desk. He looked like he'd given up on work long ago, with his tie and suspenders gone, his sleeves rolled up and his feet crossed on top of his desk. He looked up at the small amused chuckle she let out as she approached.

"Something funny, Benson?"

"You look way too at home behind your desk at this time of night." She held up a bag of Chinese food as if that alone would explain her presence. "You got time to talk?"

"For you? Always." There was a sincerity to his words that stalled her for a moment. "You been working all this time or are you avoiding Elliot again?"

He knew her too well. "Am I that transparent?"

Rafael shook his head. He'd noticed in her office earlier that she'd declined not one but three calls from Elliot in the ninety minutes he'd been there. If he knew her like he thought he did, she still hadn't called him back, either. He knew he was right when he saw the brief flash of guilt on her face before she distracted herself with an egg roll. It only took one look at her for him to see that she was weighing up the pros and cons of telling him why she was in his office now.

"I was pregnant."

He froze, his food halfway to his mouth. His first question was when? In all the time he'd known her, never once had he even suspected that she was pregnant never mind that she obviously had been but now for one reason or another was not.

"I found out just before Cragen sent me home. I was gonna tell Elliot later that night... Never got the chance. I miscarried in the hospital after. It was like my body's main focus for those four days had been keeping me alive. Then when it was all over and the adrenaline was gone, everything just hit rock bottom and it just couldn't cope anymore." Olivia ran a hand through her hair, staring at the food she suddenly didn't want. "Elliot was upset but more focused on the fact that I was alive. We hadn't talked about having kids yet, still haven't, actually. But from the second I found out it made me realize just how much I want to have a family with him. I thought I was pregnant again, until I took a test today."

There it was. Rafael's heart ached for the added grief that Lewis had caused her, but that wasn't why she didn't want to go home tonight. "You scared of what Elliot's gonna say or are you not sure if you're even gonna tell him?"

He'd hit the nail on the head. Ever since she'd taken the test at work that morning, Olivia had been debating whether or not to even tell Elliot she'd done it. It was negative, so really there was nothing to tell. But it was a good way to ease into the discussion about whether or not a family with her was something that he wanted. She was just terrified that it wasn't. He'd been there, done that five times already. Granted Eli was only seven, but the rest of his kids were all adults living their own lives now. There was a number of reasons he might not want to go back to the sleepless nights of having a newborn, the non-stop of raising a toddler and then countless more years of school shows and helping with homework. For as long as they didn't have that conversation, she could still allow herself to dream that all of that would be a part of her future.

Rafael couldn't help the small laugh that escaped him. If everything he'd heard was true, then Elliot was probably just as desperate to have a baby as Olivia was. But they were the King and Queen of not communicating so now they were both stuck in the middle, not knowing how to approach the subject for fear of getting hurt or upsetting the other. It was so painfully them that it was almost funny.

"Liv, this won't be what you want to hear, but you know the only way to know what he wants is to ask him."

Olivia nodded. It sounded so simple when he put it like that. So easy to do. But so much of what she considered to be her happiness was riding on this one conversation that she was truly terrified about what she would do if it turned out that Elliot didn't want the same as she did.

~X~

That night felt like an age ago and she still hadn't worked up the nerve to actually speak to Elliot about it. Now it just felt like it had been too long. She wasn't sure if it would be weird to tell him now, but could she manage to bring up the topic of expanding their family without letting slip about the pregnancy test she'd taken, terrified of a positive result but also devastated when it turned out to be negative? She almost scoffed when she realized what she was thinking. Not like it mattered now.

Rafael was watching her and she knew he wanted to ask what had happened that resulted in her appearing heart-broken at his door just before midnight. She also knew that he wouldn't be the one to bring it up. He was following her lead here.

"You can ask."

He managed to stop himself before he blurted out 'Ask what?' at her... There was only one question she could be talking about and it was the one right at the front of his mind. When he'd left the precinct that afternoon, she hadn't been looking forward to hearing about Elliot's lunch date with his mother, but he knew she'd left with the rest of the squad around eight instead of squaring herself away in her office.

"What happened?"

Olivia took a breath to steady herself before she cast her mind back to earlier that night when she'd gotten home. It had been fine for a while as they ate dinner and watched some mindless TV, that was until the news came on, plastering information about her latest case all over the screen in front of them.

~X~

She rolled her eyes at the TV and tried not to glare at the woman reading the headlines. It wouldn't change anything but it was still infuriating. "Poor woman gets raped for being gay and all people can say is 'she probably wanted it then cried rape because she was embarrassed that she slept with a guy'? It's bullshit and I'm the one getting the heat from the Chief to close it."

She looked over at Elliot and immediately clocked the frown on his face. She knew what he was about to say before he even said it. I was always the same.

"Do we have to talk about work?" There was an awkward silence for a moment while she tried to come up with a way to respond that wouldn't make her sound petty or sarcastic. He saved her the trouble. "You know I had lunch with my mom today?"

She fought the urge to roll her eyes. She was aware. It was all he had talked about last night, moaned about how much he was dreading it this morning, and she had been dreading this exact moment since the second she left for work today.

"How was it?"

She didn't need to ask how it was. She could probably give him a play by play just from listening to him offload about previous lunches in the past.

Elliot shrugged with an annoyed sigh. "You know what she's like." Unfortunately, yes, she did. "She spent the first hour grilling me about how work was going. Then she asked about the girls, then moved on to ask if Dickie and I have made amends yet. When I told her things are still tense she went on to rant for forty minutes about how I could have avoided all of this mess if I just stayed with Kathy. She still doesn't agree with the divorce, keeps asking me when I'm gonna try to fix my marriage."

"What did you say to her?" Olivia wanted to kick herself the second she asked. The answer was nothing. He never said anything in her defense when his mom spoke about Kathy. As if it wasn't hard enough knowing that she had essentially destroyed his family, he never said anything to suggest that he didn't agree with his mother's thoughts."

"Nothing. She's a strict catholic, she doesn't believe in divorce. She doesn't know the history we have with Dickie and she doesn't get why the older girls are so okay with all of this. I haven't told her we're engaged yet, I'd never hear the end of it. But it's not about you, Liv. She's just set in her ways and she's never gonna change."

"Like you, you mean?" The words were out before she could stop them. She could see the shit storm coming before he even began to react.

Elliot turned to face her, his face a mix of hurt, confusion and anger. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Olivia groaned and ran a hand through her hair. "I feel like we've gone back to the way we were when we were partners. We don't talk about things. We dance around them until they either go away or become an argument. You don't trust my squad, you don't like them because they're not you. Despite the fact that you are divorced and free of any commitment to anyone but Eli, I'm somehow still stuck in the middle between you and your family. And it sometimes feels like you did more to defend me against them when we weren't together. I mean, it's been months and your mother doesn't know we're engaged, we haven't spoken one word about a wedding. You know how badly I want to be a mom, and yet not once have we talked about having a family, whatever way it happens. We never even talked about the miscarriage. You don't know about the pregnancy test I took a while back that came out negative."

She paused for just a second to wipe her eyes, refusing to meet his.

"I know I'm not totally innocent here, El, but I can't talk to you. You offload on me after a long day at work, and that's fine, that's what made us work when we were partners, except you don't let me do the same. You don't wanna talk about SVU, I get that it brings back bad memories, but I have to have an outlet somewhere, I have to be able to talk about what I see every day or I'm gonna go crazy. Just because I have a therapist does not mean that I don't wanna talk to you about this stuff. I haven't had a real night of sleep since before Lewis..."

Olivia could feel the tears spilling from her eyes, but her blood was boiling and she was on a roll now. So whether he deserved the lashing she was giving him or not, she wasn't about to stop. She had things to say that he needed to hear.

"You know what I went through with him, yet every time I tell you I can't sleep you try to get me to see a doctor so they can give me something. I've said it a million times but you don't seem to hear me when I say I will never take another sleeping pill in my life. You haven't listened long enough for me to tell you that it's because I took a couple one day when you were at work. I'd been awake for almost three days because I couldn't sleep for nightmares, when I started to get drowsy, I had a flashback, a hallucination, whatever, and I could have sworn he was in the apartment, on top of me actually raping me that time. I had a panic attack so bad I passed out. Fin found me out cold on the bedroom floor because apparently I managed to call him in my panic and he thought Lewis had somehow got to me again. But you don't know this shit because you don't want to talk about it. While we're on the topic of Lewis, please, for the love of fuck stop blaming everyone around me, including yourself. If I can truly and honestly say that the only person I blame is Lewis himself, then you should be able to do that too. If you can't, you need to look at why not and deal with it, because I shouldn't have to spend my time defending them against you when I should be healing instead."

Elliot was silent and staring at the coffee table as he tried to process her words. For once he was actually speechless. He knew things had been tense, but he'd had no idea how much she'd been holding in.

"I love you, Elliot. So much that it hurts, but I'm tired of being the bitch that tore your family apart. I'm tired of being the reason that your mother and two of your children won't speak to you. There's nothing we can do to take back the past, but I'm not sure what's in the future for us if we can't fix this. Tell me we can fix this."

The prolonged silence and his inability to look at her tore her heart in two and without another word she stood and disappeared upstairs. He made no move to follow her, and as she stuffed a few days' worth of clothes into a large gym bag, she let herself break down.

He hadn't moved when she got back downstairs but his eyes followed her when she dropped her bag at the door and pulled her work trench coat on over her sweats and tank top. She shoved her keys into her pocket and bit her lip as she took in his hunched posture.

"I just need some space to think. Say hi to Eli for me tomorrow." Her voice was barely a whisper and she felt her heart shatter when she pulled off the beautiful engagement ring and stared at it for a moment before she placed it on the breakfast island and picked up her bag.

His silence was killing her and she didn't know what to make of the fact that he hadn't moved a muscle this whole time. She opened the door and paused, unsure if she wanted him to look up or not. When after a few seconds he stayed frozen, she left, letting the door slam shut behind her.

~X~

Rafael found himself unusually speechless as Olivia recalled the hurt and angry rant she'd launched at Elliot but he couldn't say that the other man didn't deserve it. In his eyes anyway. He could admit that there were definitely some things that Olivia could have handled differently, but in whatever argument, he was generally inclined to side with Olivia.

She had stopped crying as she explained the evening's events, now she was just plain tired. Her phone had been noticeably silent since she'd arrived and Rafael wasn't sure if she'd turned it off or whether Elliot was letting her have the space she thought she wanted.

"At least he knows everything now." Olivia shrugged.

It was a weak attempt at a joke but she needed to lighten the heavy atmosphere she'd created. She was glad when Rafael let out a small laugh and knowing she wouldn't be falling asleep any time soon, reached over and turned on the TV, opening Netflix and rambling about some series his mother had told him he would enjoy but he had yet to start.

~X~

All night last night, this morning and when they went out for an early breakfast and a coffee before work, Rafael had been trying to convince her to take the day for herself. She was welcome to his apartment for as long as she needed it. She could make herself at home in the guest room and was under strict instructions to help herself to the limited supplies of food in his kitchen. She had free rein on his Netflix account providing she didn't watch any more of the series they were now hooked on without him.

It had been a tempting offer, and initially when she had woken up wrapped in the comfort of the thick duvet of his spare bed, she had wanted nothing more than to roll over and try to go back to sleep. But then when she thought about it, the last thing she wanted was to be left alone with her thoughts all day. In her current emotional state, nothing good would come of it.

And so stubbornly, she had insisted she was going to work. Only to get there and be completely useless all day. She had hit the jackpot with her squad, she mused. They had checked in with her only when absolutely necessary, but other than that, they had worked under their own steam all day, leaving her to stew in her office from the minute she got there until Rafael had arrived at five and demanded she accompany him home.

He'd taken it upon himself to dismiss her squad for the day and she knew that right about now he was probably fielding a million different worried questions from her detectives. She smiled at the thought. She was lucky to be surrounded such good friends.

She had just joined Rafael in the living room after taking her time in a nice hot shower when there was a knock at the door. They frowned at each other, neither were expecting any guests, and usually the doorman would call if there was an unrecognized visitor. Olivia and his mother were the only two people the doorman would let in without calling him, his mother was in Florida visiting family and Olivia was already here with him.

Rafael moved to the door and his face turned stony when he saw who it was. He yanked the door open and glared at the visitor. "How did you get up here?"

"Flashed my badge and asked him not to call you." Elliot shrugged. "Is Olivia here?"

Rafael turned to see Olivia already tentatively making her way to the door. He gave her arm a reassuring squeeze and moved into the living room, giving her some privacy but staying close enough that she could still see him out of the corner of her eye.

Olivia took a nervous breath and leaned against the door as she stared at Elliot, waiting for him to speak up. She looked over him, trying to judge his mood, his hands were stuffed into his pockets and he didn't carry himself as tall as usual, he looked tired, too.

"Can we talk?"

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