A/N Written for the SSSW 2020; used lines in bold. Unbetaed.

A German Treasure Hunt

Hogan paced across the main room of barracks two in the dark. It was long after light out and for once they had honored it and killed the light. Newkirk was still out, necessary after Carter had found out about a surprise bed check from Schultz making it impossible for Hogan to go to his meeting. LeBeau sat at the table while Carter lingered near the door as long as Kinch had the tunnel bed open. Finally, Kinch climbed out. "Newkirk back yet?" Hogan asked his radioman.

"No," Kinch reported and shook his head.

"All right. Let's close for the night." Hogan clapped his hands together. "We're nearing the bed check."

"What are we going to do when Klink finds out that we are missing one man?" LeBeau asked.

"Nothing, Newkirk knew that he only had a small-time frame to make the meeting. If he is for any reason late, he has to give himself up at the front gate."

As if the universe had waited for the words, the alarm went off and bright light streamed in through the cracks of the wooden walls.

For all his faults, this time Schultz had been right on time. Flustered and kicked out of bed, Schultz seemed to be more nervous than usual. "Colonel Hogan," he started, hovering near the entrance of Hogan's quarters.

"Klink wants to see me?" Hogan asked while he zipped up his jacket.

"Yes. How do you know?"

"Well, Schultz. There's an alarm, the dogs are barking and I did a quick head count, something that's actually your job, and we're short one man. It stands to reason that the iron eagle has need for talks." Hogan patted Schultz' shoulder. "Good thing that I had an opening, so I could squeeze him in. Usually I'm booked solid this time of the night between the Underground and London and -."

Schultz gaped at him. Then he shock his head. "I hear nothing. Nothing."

"Shall we?" Hogan asked and pointed to the door. According to the sound from outside it wouldn't be a good idea to go out without a German guard. The whole camp was bathed in the bright and glaring lights of the searchlights. That together with the barking of the dogs, and the shouts of their human handlers, it all merged into a dangerous barrage of noise and blinding light.

Hogan sighed in relief as he was back inside a room, even an office as tightly packed with guards as Klink's office. "You wanted to see me, Herr Kommandant?" Hogan asked brightly after Schultz had knocked and announced them.

Klink wore his nightshirt and a robe he had hastily thrown across his shoulders by the way it seemed to slip off. The vein on his forehead stood out and his eye clenched his monocle harder than usual. In one word - Klink brimmed with fury. In front of his desk, Newkirk stood at attention. He seemed unhurt but his hands were dirty. Unobtrusively, Hogan glanced at Newkirk's knees, but they seemed clean. So it hadn't been from falling either by accident or a helpful push by guards. Behind Newkirk, two guards with no humor in their eyes, stood, bringing the total number of people in Klink's office to six.

"Colonel Hogan," Klink said and made a fist. "When are your men going to learn that there is no escaping Stalag XIII?"

"Colonel Klink, how do you expect them to learn if they don't try."

Klink opened his mouth but then shut it down again. "Corporal," he said and turned his attention and ire to Newkirk, "you have ten seconds to tell me what you have been thinking!"

Newkirk glanced to Hogan who opened his mouth as Klink's finger shot out like a snake. "Ha! You haven't been thinking or you would not have attempted such a foolish thing. Thirty days in the cooler will teach you this lesson if your colonel is unable to do so!"

"Blimey, that was a quick ten seconds."

Hogan agreed, but he knew that for getting pulled out of bed, Klink had shown remarkable restraint in his punishment. He would work on him later. For now, he nodded to Newkirk as he was pushed out of the room. They would talk soon.

Hogan glanced across his shoulder to where Schultz happily ate LeBeau's strudel. "What happened?"

"The woods were suddenly crawling with SS men." Newkirk stood near enough the bars that the metal almost touched his face. "It was almost like a school outing going by the age of the boys." His dirty hands clenched the bars.

"Did you made the rendezvous?"

"Yes, and I also picked up our package. But as I neared the camp I almost ran into them. There was no way to reach the emergency tunnel without being seen."

"Figured." Hogan crossed his arms. By daylight, he had seen the same thing. "That's the second thing that annoys Klink this morning. He always gets jumpy if the woods are crawling with soldiers that don't obey him."

"The second?" Then Newkirk chuckled. "Oh, I ruined Klink's record?"

"His record his fine, but his mood ..." Hogan rolled his eyes. "Anyway, the package?"

"Didn't want to give myself up with it. So I hid it, dug a hole, put it in there and here I am."

That explained the dirty hands. "Smart. Where did you hide it?"

Newkirk described the nearest landmarks and Hogan felt comfortable that he would be able to find it without Newkirk. That only left the SS in the woods as a problem. "I'll work on Klink the moment his mood has improved," Hogan promised. It was the best he could offer as Newkirk had been part of their operation long enough to know that sometimes thirty days meant thirty days.

With a sigh, Newkirk nodded and dropped down on his bunk. At least he got one of the better cells. "I'm not holding my breath."

"That's the attitude."

"No chance, mon colonel," LeBeau reported between two deep breaths, his fingers still clinging to the ladder leading out of the emergency tunnel. Carter sitting next to him down on the ground nodded in agreement. "There are way too many of them."

Hogan crossed his arms and pressed his lips together. It had been worth a try. "Go, get cleaned up. We are needed upstairs in case Klink decides to do the bed check himself." He watched as LeBeau and Carter trudged away.

"So, how do we get the package?" Kinch asked.

"According to Newkirk, it's hidden pretty well. So, we're not running out of time."

"Not to sound too pessimistic, sir," Kinch said, "but we need to count for decay of paper in a wet environment. If paper is not sufficient protected from water and soil, it's not going to take long until we are unable to reliable read the information and ..." he trailed off with a shrug.

Hogan cursed. "There's always one bright student that ruins a great course."

Kinch smirked at the backhanded compliment.

"But we can't go out. It's swarming with SS out there," Carter rejoined the conversation having heard the last part.

"Of course not," Hogan said and paced along the wall. "Besides, there is a rule I hadn't thought of before."

"A rule?" LeBeau asked, also coming back from changing into his uniform.

"Sure," Hogan said while he grabbed the ladder to climb up into the main room of barracks two. "We dig inside the camp and let the Germans do the digging outside of the fence."

Despite the late hour, barracks two was still full of life. There were missions to be planned and diversions to prepared, tools to be cleaned and sharpened, and their tunnel entries and hidden compartments also always could use another overhaul.

"And how do we make them? Digging outside, I mean?" LeBeau followed Hogan out of the tunnel and went straight to his oven.

"Kinch, can you draw me a map," Hogan asked while he went to his quarters navigating around Olsen as he cleaned his gun, sure in the knowledge that they would follow him.

"Of course, what do you want on it?"

The grin Hogan flashed his men meant trouble for some unsuspecting Germans. "A big X."

The next two hours were spent creating and drawing up a map. While the activity around them slowly settled down, in Hogan's quarters the furious work just went on. The third attempt finally made everybody happy.

Hogan took a step back and regarded the map with a satisfied smile. "I think the hardest thing is to sell the story. But for this we have a special weapon."

"Schultz," LeBeau, Kinch and Carter said in unison.

"Who else."

This time, Carter would be the first line of attack. After verifying the accuracy of the map by running it by Newkirk in the cooler, they needed to let Klink find the map without getting suspicious.

Strolling around the compound, Carter ran seemingly by accident into Schultz. Without Newkirk's quick finger, Hogan's plan to sell the story had returned to the classic 'let's confuse the big German guard'. "Schultzie," Carter said in greeting before he lowered his voice. "I have a question for you."

The German sergeant stared at him. "About what?"

"About a drawing."

"A drawing?"

"Yes, you see," Carter continued while he pulled Schultz around a barracks' corner. "We found an old drawing and now we're trying to figure out what it could depict." Out of the corner of his eyes, Carter watched Schultz making sure that he was still listening. Then he pulled out their map and held it up. "LeBeau thinks this is a child's drawing of a squirrel. But, really, you wouldn't immediately think 'squirrel', would you?"

"Squirrel?"

LeBeau strolled over just in time to hear Schultz' loud repetition. "Oui, Schultzie, don't you think so?"

"No. It looks more like a map."

"A map?" Carter frowned. "But that's nothing like a map. I mean -"

"But this is Stalag XIII and these are the tracks through Hammelburg and -"

"Sergeant Schultz!" Klink's voice whizzed like a whip through the air and Schultz jerked to attention as the sound of it reached him. "Are you actually explaining your prisoners how to escape?" Not far away, Hogan stood with a smug grin on his face.

Schultz shook his head. "No, no, no, I did not," he backpedaled. "Herr Kommandant, I just tried to figure out what's on this drawing," he explained and held out the map.

In the shadows of the barracks, Carter and LeBeau slipped away. Their duty was done. Hogan joined them brightly smiling.

Klink narrowed his eyes before he grabbed the offered paper. His whole face lit up the moment Klink figured out what he was seeing. "I'm going to keep this. For protection," he said and made a show of putting it into his pocket. The German colonel didn't see the content smirks of Hogan and his men as he hurried across the compound back to his office while trying to hide his eagerness.

Hogan burst into Klink's office as if he owned it. In a way he did, but that was part for another operation. For the moment, Hogan had only one mission - pushing Klink to go out digging. Since two days, Klink had stared at the map and done nothing about it except daydreaming.

At the unexpected interruption, Klink shot out of his chair. The map he had been studying fell down to the floor.

"Colonel Klink, I must protest."

"Hogan!" The shout finally released the shock from Klink's body, and he dropped down in his chair again. "What do you want, Hogan? I'm busy." He said in a normal voice and tried to shove the map with his boots under his desk.

"You cannot just confiscate our drawing and then letting the SS have it."

As expected, Klink jerked at the mere mention of the men in black. "What? The SS?"

"Yes, why else do they run around your camp and making a lot of noises? They are trying to find our treasure."

"Colonel Hogan." Klink put both his hands down on the table and rose. "I -"

"Look, the map," Hogan talked right over Klink's attempts to cover his tracks, bend down and retrieved the paper. "Oh," Hogan drew out the word. Then he grinned. "You already have figured out where you have to dig? That's the reason you let the SS running around making fools of themselves. I knew there was a genius hidden behind the monocle."

Klink's anger deflated with the compliment. "A genius?"

"Of course, a devious genius. Enjoying the inability of the SS to find the treasure."

"Well," Klink said, and around his lips a small smile appeared. "It is true."

"So, when are you going out to pick up your treasure?" Hogan asked. "I even volunteer my men to help you carry your load back to camp."

"You volunteer your men?" Klink asked. Then he narrowed his eyes. "Why?"

"Colonel!" Hogan jerked back and put his hand over his heart. "You're like a father to these men. Of course, they want you to succeed and for once getting what you deserve."

The German colonel basked in Hogan's words. "That's nice of them." Then he dropped the smile. "But I cannot get to it until the SS left."

"But you're the commandant of the toughest POW camp in Germany." Hogan opened the cigar box and pulled one out. "Of course, you can send them away." And allow us to retrieve the papers, he added silently.

"That won't be necessary," Klink assured him. "They're nowhere near."

"Even a broken clock is right twice a day," Hogan reminded him. "Just think about the riches you can get. Afterwards you're going to be the best catch in town. The ladies are going to line up and for once Burkhalter will come to you and ask if you're willing to become his general."

"General," Klink repeated the sacred word.

"Just think about how General Klink would pick up the phone and call off the SS." Vigorously, Klink nodded. "Imagine what he would say and then you can do it right now," Hogan encouraged Klink who really picked up the phone.

Ten minutes later, Hogan rubbed his hand across his eyes. He could motivate Klink but not getting him to succeed.

"It's no use," Klink complained. "If you're not a general they don't take you seriously. I shall mind my own business as if their exercise around my camp isn't my own business."

"You could always call General Burkhalter to call them off."

"Calling General Burkhalter? Never." Klink sunk down in his chair, holding up his head with his balled fist. He projected a picture of misery to the world.

Hogan nodded to himself. Burkhalter would make the SS go away but only if properly motivated. After saluting, he left Klink's office. As chance would have it, Hogan knew just the right motivation.

"Company, colonel," Carter reported and poked his head through the door. "It's General Burkhalter."

"Right, coming." Hogan put down his pen where he had been planning how to get the package Newkirk had hidden if Klink really was too scared to go searching and his backup plan also failed. He went outside, joining his men in watching the scene in front of the commandant's office.

Klink hurried outside and tried to open the door for the general and to salute at the same time. "What an unexpected pleasure," Klink said loud enough that his words were carried across the open yard. Burkhalter's response was less audible and sourer judging by the expression on his face.

"Let's hear what they have to talk about," Hogan said, grinned and marched back into his office. Kinch prepared the teapot while LeBeau closed the door. Carter leaned against the wall, leaving Hogan to sit down on his stool.

"- and then they have the audacity to be crawling around my woods," Burkhalter complained. "The SS should stay in Berlin and mind their own business."

A smug smile flash across Hogan's face. Translation, Burkhalter had or would call the SS off. His plan was coming together quite nicely.

"Jawohl, Herr General," Klink agreed in his usual charm. "The SS should stay in Berlin and -"

"Klink!" Burkhalter interrupted the commandant before he could repeat everything. "I'm not here to discuss this matter with you."

"Of course not, Herr General." Klink paused. "But why, if I may ask, are you here then?"

"Yes, I wonder why?" Hogan repeated, earning himself a few chuckles from his men.

"I have heard that you are in possession of a map."

"A map?" Klink squeaked.

Hogan grinned, an expression mirrored by his men. "Kinch you are a genius,"

"I know," Kinch repeated with a serious expression.

"Yes, a little bird told me that you have found a treasure map. I'm sure that you just have forgotten to call and not that you thought you could keep this away from me."

"Of course Herr General," Klink repeated, but his voice sounded desolate. In his mind, he probably saw all his riches going into Burkhalter's pockets.

"Klink, you just had to go out there yourself," Hogan said in the safety of his quarters.

"-and taking us with you to give you a hand with the shovel," LeBeau continued.

"And we wouldn't have been forced to call in Burkhalter," Hogan finished while he stared at his Major Kinchmeier. Kinch just smirked.

"Show me the map," Burkhalter ordered and the strength of his voice was carried through the tiny speaker.

Hogan rubbed his forehead. Hours had gone by and the two German officers were still trying to figure out where the treasure could be buried. Maybe he should have added a legend.

"Maybe that's Berlin. I knew once a -"

"Klink! Shut up!"

"Oh, I know. That small line is a river. Maybe the Rhine!"

LeBeau groaned and Kinch buried his head in his hands. Only Carter nodded along. "They're getting nearer."

"Nearer?" LeBeau asked. "At this rate, they have figured out that the thing at the left edge is Stalag XIII in ten to twenty years."

"Or never," Kinch murmured and crossed his arms. He took it personal that they couldn't follow his clear directions.

"I almost wished for Hochstetter, he would at least make this entertaining when he tries to interrogate a paper and threatens it with punishment," Hogan said and snorted at the image. Then he stood up. "If they keep this up, I'll need to go over there and explain our two treasure hunters the most basic concept of a treasure map - the treasure is buried beneath the X."

The colonel hadn't finished speaking as Klink's voice came through the tiny speaker. "Ah, I know. The X is the warning sign at the railroad crossing and then this -"

Hogan threw up his hands in surrender. "That's it. I'm over there."

Hogan barged in like usually. "Colonel Klink -" He stopped and tried to look shocked. "Oh, General Burkhalter, I haven't seen you coming in." Then he returned his focus to Klink. "Colonel, I must protest. You cannot take our map. It's against the Geneva Convention, and we want it back."

"Your map?" Burkhalter growled. He had opened his collar and judging by the amount of missing liquor in Klink's wine bottle and the redness of the general's face, they had tried to figure it out with the help of alcohol.

"Yes, you see, General Burkhalter, we kind of need this map."

"You plan to escape." Klink was on his feet in no time.

Hogan feigned a hurt expression. "Colonel, why would we want to leave this camp? It's like a home away from home."

Burkhalter narrowed his eyes. "Say, Colonel Hogan, could it be that you found a treasure in one of your digging adventures."

"But Herr General, there are no tunnels in my camp. There never has been -"

"Silence!" Burkhalter roared. "Now, Colonel Hogan," the general said and leaned back in his chair, his voice back to an easy and conversational tone, "what did you find?"

Hogan sighed. "There's just no winning with you, is there?"

"No!" Both German officers said in unison and Klink lowered himself down in his chair again.

"All right, we found a map that we wanted to use to," Hogan hesitated and then hung his head in shame, "to escape."

"From my camp!" Klink was back on his feet in a flash. "This -"

"Klink!" Burkhalter shouted the name. "Everybody wants to escape from you. That's normal behavior. If Colonel Hogan wouldn't at least try, I would fear for his sanity."

"Oh, my sanity never has been better. It's just the voices that I hear sometimes." Hogan smirked at Klink's open mouth and the general's thunderous expression.

Burkhalter waved Klink over, demanding the map with his fingers. "If Colonel Hogan wanted to use this map to escape then this could be Stalag XIII and then this would be the train...," he murmured. With a devious smile, he regarded Hogan. "I can see why you would find this map useful."

"Well," Hogan played with his cap, "at least somebody understands a map." Klink leaned over Burkhalter's shoulder, studying the map and nodding to himself. "And, Colonel Klink, finally figured out where his Stalag is located," Hogan added.

Nodding, Klink pointed to the bright X in the middle of the map. Hogan rolled his eyes. Next time, he would go with Newkirk's proposal to add names.

"No, this is your camp," Burkhalter pointed to the left side, "and here we're going to find the treasure."

Klink rubbed his hands together. "I may end up being rich and a good catch after all."

"To marry my sister, you current status would be enough." Burkhalter commented. Instantly, Klink's grin vanished. "But if there is a treasure I'll give you ten percent."

Klink stuttered. "But General Burkhalter, this is my map and -"

"Ten percent or zero percent for stupidity."

Looking like he was about to cry, Klink took a step back. "Ten percent sounds like a fair offer," he nodded. "I'll get my men to dig."

Hogan opened his mouth but Burkhalter was faster. "Dummkopf! You have a whole camp of prisoners and want your guards to dig?"

Hogan watched his men digging deep holes. After declaring a generous pocket of land as an areal of interest, he had distributed his men evenly to cover all the ground and to make it impossible for the German guards to keep an eye on all of them. That gave them enough room to locate their own treasure.

Finally, Kinch bent down sharply. Understanding the signal, LeBeau started to make loud noises at the other side, luring all the attention to his work while Kinch recovered the package, cleaned it before he pushed it under his shirt and jogged over. "Got it right where Newkirk said it would be."

"Good. Can you hide it in the truck?"

"I'll hide it in Schultz lunch box. He won't lose that."

"Do that," Hogan agreed and send him off.

"Oh, just one question, colonel," Kinch said. "What are we going to do about the treasure Klink is looking for?"

"We're waiting."

"For what?"

"For me to think of the next step."

Kinch snorted and went to the truck. He ducked under the tarpaulin while the Germans were still fixed on LeBeau's digging.

Suddenly, Carter called out loud, "I think I got something." Instantly, all attention was focused on him. Only Hogan narrowed his eyes. Carter had been digging right beside Kinch. He should know that they didn't need another distraction.

As Hogan reached the hole, Carter had really found something. He had already uncovered a medium-sized chest. Ignoring the startled glare from LeBeau and Carter's deep fascination with his find, Hogan inspected the treasure chest.

"Out of the way!" Klink ordered. Burkhalter lead the entourage of German officers and Hogan beckoned Carter to get out of the hole, even offering him his hand to pull him out. Without waiting, both Burkhalter and Klink jumped down. Hogan hadn't thought any of them having such flexibility or prowess. But that's greed for you. With a small nod of his head, Hogan send Carter away, collecting all the other prisoners along the way.

Not bothering to hide his own curiosity, Hogan stayed near. If Newkirk had actually hidden the package near a real treasure, he would never hear the end of it.

Together, Klink and Burkhalter forced the decorated top open. For a moment, only birds and the wind in the trees could be heard as all officers stared at the treasure.

Slowly the expressions changed. Hogan had to fight hard to hide his grin at the devastated German faces. Not money or gold, not even guns had been hidden there but a doll, a small toy car and mechanical toy soldiers. Both the doll and the toys showed signs of being dearly loved by children. Some soldiers missed an arm or their helmet. A few seemed to be without faces as the color had been cleared off while the doll still had all its limbs but was smeared with dirt and its hair was felted.

"I see," Hogan said, losing the battle to keep himself from laughing out loud, "you have found your treasure. The grand German Army lead by super doll."

"Hogan!" Klink screeched.

"Shut up!" Burkhalter drowned Klink out. It remained his secret who should shut up - Klink or Hogan. But Hogan just took a mental picture of Klink and Burkhalter standing side by side in a deep hole holding up toy soldiers and a doll.

Sometimes the best things in life were free.

The End

A/N Thank you for reading!

2020-09-06 Fixed a few things. Thank you Tiny1217!