Days passed and slowly, the weight on my chest got a little lighter and I was at least able to get out of bed. Some days were better than others. Some days I'd wake up in a good mood and I would help the Padilla family get ready in the morning. Tony still had work and school so while he was there I would try to be out of the house. I made attempts to help my parents at the store which I mostly just stayed in the back and did inventory. I was slowly working up the courage to go back to the house but it was hard to be there for long. But I kept reminding myself that Tony's place was temporary and that I couldn't stay there forever though his entire family made sure I knew I was welcomed. I was forever grateful but it was also going on two weeks that I'd been gone and if I was going to go back to school, I needed to work on getting back to my own house.

My parents were patient with me and I tried to be with them but it was hard. I felt so vulnerable around them and when I'm vulnerable, I say stuff I don't mean so I opted to not saying much except light conversation. I was able to bring myself to help mom with some of Hannah's stuff. That was extremely emotional though and I ended up leaving as soon as we were done. I didn't talk that much that day.

I was trying though to have more good days. One day me, Tony's sister, and one of his brothers snuck into Tony's room and jumped onto Tony's bed, scaring the crap out of him. We of course got cussed out but we laughed so hard. Even his parents thought it was hilarious and took our side. That was a good day.

But then there were days where I'd wake up crying from a dream. They weren't even all bad. The ones that hurt the most were the ones that I'd dream that she was still here and when I woke up, she wasn't and I reminded of the cruel reality. Those were the days I was unable to move from my bed. Sometimes I was able to talk to Tony. Other times I couldn't. He wouldn't force it either. Sometimes he'd just stay by me in silence.

Regardless, Tony was the friend that I needed during these days. He was patient, understanding, and didn't try to make sense of this mess and say stupid shit that I'd heard a million times. His family was kind, too. His mother was always shared a kind face and a gentle voice. His father, though he didn't say a whole lot, was understanding and said more through his actions. His siblings were harder to be around as it made me miss that connection I had with Hannah. Especially his sister. I had always been close with her but right now, I found it painful to be around her. Especially when she would want me to braid her hair which I couldn't refuse. I had done the same with Hannah since we were kids. It was one of our special things and to share it with anyone else...it was just hard.

But regardless, I was thankful to not be alone and this morning I was up before the family. I decided to go on and start the coffee and lay out options for everyone. You live with people long enough you begin to pick up on what their routine is.

It wasn't long though before Mrs. Padilla came in and greeted me with a sleepy smile. She looked surprised when she saw the kitchen. "Good morning." I greet softly.

"I woke up a little early. Figured I'd give you one less thing to do."

She squeezes my shoulder gently as she goes to make her cup of coffee. "Well, you know us all so well. Thank you so much." She smiles then gives me a serious look. "How are you doing, Meghan?"

I bite my lip as I stir my coffee and shrug. "I'm alright. Think I'm finally starting to accept things. It's just hard." I sniff but put on a brave face. "But I'm doing the best that I can."

She smiles sympathetically but I know she sees past my wall. "Your best is more than enough." She squeezes my hand. "I know it's hard but you've been so strong. We were worried but I see your strength."

I scoff, my eyes watering a bit. "The only reason I'm able to get out of bed is because of you and your family. Tony...he's been such a good friend. I'm not sure where I'd be without him." I pause and smile softly. "He's a lot like you, I noticed. He's gentle and compassionate like you."

"And has a temper like his father." She chuckles. "But thank you. You've been a blessing to him too. To us all. High school is hard. Especially when you choose a path like Antonio did. Kids can be cruel. Blinded." She looks at me with watery eyes. "You were one of the ones that didn't judge and stayed. He needed that."

"You can thank my sister for that. She introduced us. I was older so I was in another year, didn't know anybody and I was a lot more shy than she was. She said she knew who I'd get along with. That we'd be good friends. She was right." I smile faintly, thinking about the conversation then meet her eyes. "And I could care less that he's gay. To us, he was just...Tony." I shrug with a smile. "He was probably one of the only guys that treated Hannah and I with respect. She needed that." I look down at my hands and fight back tears. "And when she died...he was there. Has been since. Even when I didn't want him to be. He's a good friend. A brother. And I can't tell how much I need that right now." My voice cracks slightly then laugh and wipe my eyes. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get so sappy."

Mrs. Padilla's eyes shine as she smiles sadly. "Don't be. I'm so sorry about Hannah. It shouldn't have happened and you shouldn't to go through have to go through this. But you are loved and welcomed here. Remember that."

Her sincere words make me shed a few tears but I smile and nod anyway. "Thank you." I whisper.

It's then that I realize that Tony was leaning against the doorway. I wondered how much he had heard. "Hey." I greet awkwardly.

"Good morning." He replies shortly then greets his mother a kiss and pours his coffee.

Shortly after the rest of the Padilla family come trickling in and get their morning started. It's lively and entertaining. Something was up with Tony though. He was quieter than usual, shorter in his sentences, and more inside his head. There was also an awkward silence between us. I didn't say much about it as I was preoccupied with his sister and Mrs. Padilla but I kept sneaking side glances.

I finally approach him as he gets ready to walk out the door. "Off to the high school hell hole?" I ask sarcastically, trying to lighten his mood.

He smirks and shakes his head. "Yep." He replies shortly, slinging the backpack over his shoulder. "See ya after school?"

"Yeah." I answer with a forced smile. He nods then walks out the door. "Hey!" I call after him before he gets in the car. Tony gives me a questioning look and I quickly come to the car. "You okay?" I ask feeling concerned.

"Yeah," He shrugs. "Why wouldn't I be?"

I narrow my eyes at him. "You just seem off..." I trail off. "Are we good?"

His eyes soften. "I'm just tired, Meg. Long night." He says then opens up his door. "I'll see you later. Gonna be late." He says quickly then drives away before I can say anything else.

I sigh sadly, worried that I have done something. Maybe I've over stayed my welcome..Maybe...maybe...over and over I analyze what I did wrong and there's literally so much of what it could be. We needed to talk...

I go about my day but before ask Mr. Padilla if Tony could have the afternoon off. He hesitates but eventually agrees which I'm grateful for. I spend the rest of my day trying to keep myself occupied. I visit my parents and help do inventory. Then I try to go home but get so overwhelmed that I don't stay more than ten minutes. So the rest of the day I drive around until I text Tony and ask him to meet me at Monet's after school.

I waited a half hour before he finally pulled up. "Hey." I smile. "How was school?"

"Shitty." He answers bluntly but forces a smile, making me laugh awkwardly. He motions to the door. "Ready to eat?" He asks.

Just then my stomach growls obnoxiously making us both laugh. "Guess so." I laugh as I open the door.

When we walk up to the counter, I see Skye. A girl I wasn't exactly friends with but we were on friendly terms in public and in the halls. "Hey Skye." I greet and she looks somewhat surprised.

"Hey Baker. How's it going?" She asks more softly than she normally does.

"It's going." I reply then quickly change the subject and order my food. After Tony orders his, I quickly speak up. "I got his." I say then slide my card forward.

"No, you do not." He objects.

"Yes, I do." Then nod at Skye to take my card.

"No lady is going pay for her own food, much less my own." He tries to hand her his card but I stop him.

"Tony, let me get this one." I practically plead which gets his attention. "Please."

He gives me a hard look then let's Skye take my card, who was eyeing us curiously. "Fine, but you better explain yourself." He relents.

"Why not just say 'thank you'?" Skye asks flippantly.

Tony gives her a look but I go along with it. "Yeah, Tony." I say with my eyebrow raised.

Tony isn't as amused though as he shakes his head. "Women." He mutters then goes to find us a seat.

Skye and I laugh. "So what was that anyway? You two seeing each other now?" She asks curiously as she pours our drinks.

I wrinkle my nose a bit then laugh. "No, Tony likes guys and he's more like a brother to me. He's been helping me through some stuff recently and I just wanted to show some gratitude."

Skye nods as stirs a design in the coffee. "That's nice of you." She comments then looks at me as she hands me the drinks. "I'm sorry, you know, about Hannah. That was a shitty thing to do."

I'm slightly offended but seeing as it's Skye, I decide to let it slide. "She had her reasons." I say quietly then shake myself out of my head and force a smile. "Thanks, Skye."

I find Tony at a table looking extremely uncomfortable but changes when I finally sit down and hand him his plate.

"Thank you." He says politely then falls silent again as we eat our food.

I couldn't figure it out. We'd been to Monet's plenty of times together before. Why was it awkward now? I thought this would break the ice but instead it's make it thicker. Tony remains silent, avoiding eye contact and being short when I ask him something or say anything for the matter.

Finally, I get tired of it. "This is not a date, you know." I speak up and he gives me a questioning look. "This." I clarify.

"Why would I think that?" He questions as he sips his coffee.

"You tell me." I say frustrated.

"I never thought this was a date but I'm glad I didn't have to break your heart." He says sarcastically with a smirk but I'm not amused.

I scoff. "Then what the hell is your problem? You've barely talked to me all day. When you do, it's short. It looks like you're extremely uncomfortable around me and I don't understand why." I sigh as my voice softens. "Something is up with you, Tony. If I did something, please tell me so I can at least try to fix it. If I've been too much or overstayed my welcome-"

"You didn't do anything, Meg." Tony interrupts gently.

"Then what is it?" I ask, my voice breaking slightly.

Tony gives me a long, hard look. I can tell something is tormenting him. "I'm just going through a lot right now. A lot of stuff that I'm trying to figure that." He confesses.

"Then talk to me, Tony. I'm your friend, I want to be there for you." I say sincerely.

"Meg..." he trails off with sad eyes. He wipes his face and he looks worn out.

I grab his arm. "It's okay."

"It's not okay." He chokes out, his eyes watering. Tony looks trouble but I just sit and wait for him to talk to me. "There are things that I have to tell you but I'm afraid."

"Tony, whatever it is, I can take it. You don't have to be afraid." I say gently.

"But I am." He replies fearfully.

"Why? Why are you afraid?"

Tony sighs. "I can't tell you. Not here." He sniffs then finishes his coffee. "But we can go somewhere else if you want."

I nod and offer a faint reassuring smile. "Yeah, sure. We can do that."

Tony nods then silently gets up and leaves a tip on the table. When we get in the car, he doesn't start chatting right away. In fact, there's bit of an uncomfortable silence as we drive. He looks more conflicted than ever and I want to help him but don't know how. I hated seeing my friend who was usually so strong and wise look so broken and worried.

After a while of watching him being stuck in his own world, I speak up. "Tony," I say his name, earning his attention. "Are you okay?"

He bites his lip a bit and shake his head. "No." He responds quietly.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask gently.

"There's a lot to talk about." He whispers as he turns down a familiar road.

"Are you sure it's not something I did?" I ask nervously.

"No, not it at all." He assures me.

"Then what is it?"

He sighs as he pulls over on a hill with a bench. He grips the steering wheel tightly until his knuckles turn white. "There's something I have to tell you but um..." he swallows hard. "I've been afraid to tell you because I'm concerned that you're not in the best place to hear it."

"What do you mean?" I ask confused. He remains quiet which frustrates me and makes me more nervous. But the look in his eye makes me soften a bit. He was really hurting over this.

"Tony, it's okay." I grab his arm and give it gentle squeeze. "I can take it."

He gives me a long, hard look before looking me in the eye. "Remember when you asked me about what Hannah left at my house the day she died?"

I tense up immediately. "Yeah but why are we talking about this?" I ask tiredly.

"I didn't want to bring it up, Meg. I really didn't but there's something important you need to know." He says gently.

I bite my lip and nod for him to continue, trying to be strong. He sighs, looking sad and uncomfortable. "She left a package on my doorstep and I opened it after you left." He swallows hard. "In it was these tapes and a note. I barely got through the first one when I realized what was going on."

Angry tears were pricking my eyes and Tony just looked like he felt like worst person in the world. He continued. "There were two notes on in there. One for me. One for you. They had instructions on it." He pulls out the folded pieces of paper.

I take the notes with trembling hands and read it.

Tony,

Please listen to these tapes-you'll know what to do. I know you'll keep my secret.

You owe me

Hannah

At the bottom, a chill ran through me.

Ps.

Take care of Meg. She'll need a friend.

"Shit, Tony." I whisper as I pull out the second piece of paper.

Meg,

I know you won't understand but please help Tony take care of these tapes. You said you'd always have my back and do anything for me. I need you now and need you to do this one last thing for me. You're not on there because none of this was your fault but I need you to listen to the tapes so that you can understand or at least try to. Listen to your voicemail and know that I love you always. I'm sorry I didn't make it to New York with you but I know you will. I believe in you.

I love you,

Hannah.

I breathe shakily, the piece of paper trembling in my hands. I look at Tony. "What...what are on those tapes?" I quietly.

Tony looks away, unable to answer my question.

"Tony," I say in firm low voice. "What are on those tapes?"

He breathes shakily then takes out the first one and sticks it in the cassette player.

"Tony, don't..." I breathe shakily.

"Listen to the first part, Meg." He says tiredly then presses play.

"Hey, it's Hannah. Hannah Baker. That's right. Don't adjust your...whatever device you're hearing this on. It's me, live and in stereo. No return engagements, no encore, and this time absolutely no requests. Get a snack. Settle in. Because I'm about to tell you the story of my life. More specifically, why my life ended. And if you're listening to this tape, you're one of the reasons why. I'm not saying which tape brings you into this story. But fear not, if you received this lovely little box, your name will pop up. I promise.

"Tony, stop." I nearly beg as my lip trembles but all he does is grab my shaking hand, grips it tightly, and keeps his eyes forward as the tapes continue.

"Anyway, the rules here are pretty simple. There are only two. Rule number one: you listen. Number two: you pass it on. Hopefully neither one will be easy. It's not supposed to be easy because otherwise I would have emailed you an MP3. When you're done listening to all 13 sides, because there are thirteen sides to every story, rewind the tapes, put them back in the box, and pass them on to the next person. Oh, and the box of tapes should have included a map. I'll be mentioning several spots around our beloved city. I can't force you to visit them, but if you'd like a little more insight, head for the stars. Or, you know, just throw the map away and I'll never know...or will I? You see, in case you're tempted to break the rules, understand I did make a copy of these tapes, and I left them with a trusted individual who, if this package doesn't make it through all of you, will release those copies in a very public manner. This was not a spur of the moment decision. Do not take me for granted. Not again. Do what I say. Not more, not less. You're being watched."

Tony presses pause and gives me a haunted look. I release a breath I'd been holding onto and felt dizzy.

I gripped the note hard and hit the dash board., making Tony jump. "What the fuck, Hannah?!" I attempt to yell but it comes out as a cry as I look at Tony. "What the actual fuck?"

I yank the door open and start walking. "Meg!" Tony calls after me as he gets out of the car. I keep walking though, not wanting him to see me cry. He catches up to me easily though and lightly grabs my arm. "Meg, wait up-"

"Let go of me, Tony!" I scream angrily at him which takes him slightly by surprise.

"Meg, calm down and listen to me, please." He says too calmly for my taste.

"Don't tell me to calm down!" I snap.

"I know you're upset-"

"Upset?" I scoff incredulously. "Why the fuck would I be upset?" I start pacing back and forth. "You know, I have been an absolute wreck and have been trying endlessly to figure out why my sister would do such a thing. Well, fuck me, I may not only have my answer but she wants me and you to go on some mission to fulfill her last wishes. Fan-fucking-tastic."

I'm so angry that I'm shaking violently but Tony let's me vent. "Meanwhile, my family is falling apart, I can't eat, sleep, take a shower or even step foot in that fucking house." My voice cracks.

"Meg..." he says softly, coming towards me slowly.

"I don't understand. I-I-I don't understand-I thought...I thought she was okay. I knew she had been going through shit and that kids were assholes but I never in a million years thought she'd-" I can't finish my sentence. Tony's eyes are sympathetic as I continue. "I was her sister, we told each other everything. Why didn't she tell me?" I pause as ice goes down my back.

Tony shakes his head sadly. "She trusted you. That's why she wanted you-" he points between us. "Us...to make sure we got these tapes out to those who we're accountable."

"If she trusted me then why didn't she trust me enough to tell me she was hurting so bad? I could've helped her." I'm crying now, the anger and adrenaline leaving my body. "She was my sister, I would've moved heaven and earth for her. Why didn't she tell me?"

"Somethings are too painful to tell. Especially to people we're closest to." He says softly.

"And that makes it okay?" I cry. "I don't...I don't know what to do with this. This isn't fair. It's fucked up."

"It is." He agrees quietly.

I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. "I don't know what to do." I say helplessly.

I swallow hard then turn and walk to a bench. Silent tears running down my face. Tony comes over and sits quietly beside me. I take out my phone and open the voice messages. "I saved every voice message that she left me. Even the stupid ones saying she was going to the store." I sniff, rubbing my nose. "I started from shortly after we got here to the last one. Over time, I can hear the pain in her voice now. I could tell something wasn't right. And in person...I could see it in her eyes that something was but whenever I asked her she'd just brush me off or try to assure me that she was fine. Then she'd change the subject and we'd talk about something stupid."

He shrugs. "Sounds like a typical sibling relationship. I'd probably do the same thing if I was in her shoes. I've done it with my brothers. It doesn't mean you weren't there for her." He says gently. "She knew that."

I bite my lip, crying silently as I play a random voicemail. Her upbeat voice playing.

Hey Meg! I know you're working but mom and I were gonna check out the new house and she wanted to know if you wanted to come with us after work. I hope you can, I don't wanna go without you. Call me!

I play another one.

Meg, I swear if you leave your underwear on the floor again, I'm gonna hang it up for the whole neighborhood to see. Call me when you get this. Love you, butt face.

I laugh sadly and Tony smirks. I play another one.

Meg! She laughs. You will never guess who is at the nail salon with me.

'I fuckin hate it!" Tony yells in the background.

He does not! He's loving every minute and looking fabulous. I'll send you a pic. Wish you were here! Love you!

Tony and I laugh. I remember that very well as I couldn't believe my ears when I listened to it. I play more.

Meg, where are you? Your tryouts are starting and I don't see you. Don't tell me you're bailing again. I'll kick your ass! Call me.

My biggest cheerleader.

And another.

Hey sis, I know you'll be home soon but I totally snuck into your practice and watched. I got kicked out before you finished but I just wanted to say wow...you really killed it. I can't wait to see your finished masterpiece. So to celebrate, I have a surprise for you at the house. Hurry home. I love you.

I scroll down further into latest messages, the harder ones to hear.

This one, she started by sounding sad.

Meg...I know you're busy but...call me. Please. Or catch me at the house. I need to talk.

Meg...you never answer your phone. Uh, call me when you get this. Love you.

This one...I'd almost forgotten about. she was crying.

"Meghan, please pick up. Please. I need you...I'm at the diner. Everything went to shit. Please come get me, I need you. Call me back.

They just kept getting worse. This one was the third to last voicemail she left me. She sounded sad and empty.

Meghan...I know you're asleep but...I need you. Something happened and I just...I really need you. Her voice cracks and I can tell she's crying. Please pick up. Please. Please call me.

Tony looks at me with sad eyes. "What happened?"

I shrug. "I don't know...I was asleep and her call woke me up. I listened to her message, called her but she was already coming up the stairs. She came in my room, she was a wreck. I asked her over and over what was wrong but she just fell into my arms and cried. I didn't know what to do so I just held her." I look at him, his eyes were watering. "She wouldn't tell me. Even the day after, she was just quiet. I figured she'd come to me when she was ready. I was wrong."

I sigh heavily as my finger hovered over one last voicemail. "She left this the day she passed. I'd come out of practice then went to your house to show you. The time is 4:42pm. I was normally home by then but ran late. I think this is the one she talked about in her note." I look at Tony wearily. "Will you listen to this with me?"

He squeezes my hand firmly. "Of course." He whispers.

I shakily press play.

"Hey sis...I'm sure you're still in practice. You've been working so hard. You're probably freaking out but don't. You're the best. She clears her throat. "Listen, I, um, I went to Tony's and left a package for you both. Open it when you get a chance. You'll know what to do. And I left your own recording in your recorded files. You didn't belong on the tapes but I wanted you to have something so don't forget to look for that." She's quiet for a few seconds, sniffling a bit. " I love you...really, I do. So much. Don't forget. I'll always be your number one fan. No matter what. I'll see you later, Meg. Bye."

I cover my mouth as tears sting my eyes. I hand him the phone as I wrap my arms around my torso. "Will you find it, please?"

He takes my phone and finds an audio file named Meg. "Are you ready to listen to this? I can go somewhere else if you want." He offers.

I shake my head frantically. "You can play it but please don't go."

"Okay." He squeezes my hand then presses play.

"Hey Meg. I'm sure you're wondering why and how I stole your phone for a few minutes. Well, it's 3am and I know your password. Just like you know mine. Being sisters, you get the backstage pass of each other's life. We get to see the best and worst of each other. I've always loved watching your behind the scenes, Meg. People may see this quiet, take no shit, could care less about what you think ballerina but I saw more. I saw a hard working, fierce loving, mistake making human being. I saw the person who taught me how to braid my hair and put on make up. I saw how you caught the kitchen on fire and laughed when mom came home to us covered fire extinguisher foam. I saw when you almost killed dad learning how to drive. I saw the broken toes, horrible blisters, twisted ankles, and dark circles around your eyes. I saw past the fake smiles and rehearsed answers. I saw how loyal of a friend you are though you kept your circle small. I saw a lot and I loved everything. Even the ugly side that we all have. Regardless of what anyone else saw, I saw you. My fun loving, hilarious, strong, selfless, and broken sister. Your behind the scenes was my favorite thing to watch. I'm glad that I had a front row seat and I'm sorry that I couldn't stay to watch more." Her voice breaks slightly. "We weren't perfect. We had our fights. We both said things we didn't mean. It's part of the sister contract. And I know you're probably mad at me right now but I hope one day you can forgive me. And if you make it to New York, look for me. Look for me in the sea of people downtown. Imagine me laughing my ass off as you burn a box of Mac n Cheese. Picture me with you at the Statue of Liberty, feeling so small as you take in the big city but having a higher perspective. That's where I'll be. In the worst and best moments.

I love you, Meghan. Always have and always will. See you later.

The recording ends and that's it. No more Hannah.

"No..." I gasp, feeling the breath being knocked out of me. "No, no, no, no. Don't go. I love you, don't go." I cry. "Don't. Don't.."

"Shit, Meg..." Tony curses brokenly as he rubs the bridge of his nose as he cries.

I frantically reach for something, anything to keep me from sinking. "Tony." I gasp, feeling like I can't breathe.

"She's gone. I didn't answer. I-" A sob escapes my throat. "Why didn't I answer?"

"It's not your fault." He says gently.

"But it is." I cry, feeling waves of pain hit me. "Why didn't I see this coming? I could've done something."

"Hey, look at me. Look at me." Tony gently grabs my face, forcing me to look at him. "This wasn't on you. I know it hurts like hell and your head is spinning and telling you all kinds of shit but this wasn't on you. She said it herself, this was her decision and no one else's. No matter how much you care, this is still on her. Not you. Understand?" He says firmly then softens a bit. "You did your part. You were there when others weren't. In ways no else could be. You did way more than anyone else ever could. When she felt everyone else hated her she at least knew her sis had her back."

"Then why wasn't it enough?" I ask more to myself than to Tony.

He didn't answer. He couldn't. I couldn't either. It was an answer only Hannah could answer and she wasn't here. That hurt more than anything. Tears streamed down my face and I was trembling. "I tried. I tried so hard. Is that something?" I ask brokenly.

Tony brushes the hair from my face and wipes tears from my cheek. "That's everything." He says softly then kisses my temple and wraps his arms around me.

I bury my face into Tony's shoulder and release a cry deep inside of me that I'd been holding onto. I had been trying so hard to be strong and act like I understood but i didn't. I didn't understand why Hannah didn't come to me if she hurt this bad. I didn't understand how she could say she trusted and loved me but then did something so horrific that hurt me and my family so bad. I couldn't wrap my mind around it.

But Tony didn't shame me for it because for the countless time he held me as I released the pain of a loss so deep and near to me. A loss too painful for words. A type of pain that I didn't wish on anybody.

Long after my tears dried up, I stayed curled up beside Tony. I felt small. So small facing a huge upward battle that I wasn't sure I'd make it through. I felt like a scab had been ripped off and a new, deeper wound had taken its place. I feared my nightmares tonight. I feared for what laid ahead at school. I feared a lot of things. Hannah left my world spinning out of control and I wasn't sure how I was going to stop it.

This new information was a lot to take in. From what I gathered, she left tapes for people who hurt and who were the reason for her death. That was harsh. Really harsh. How was I going make sure these tapes do what they were supposed to do? And what consequences would it have? Would play it out like Hannah wanted or would it blow up in our face? And mom...god, mom was a basket case already. What would she do when she heard these tapes? So many questions. So much to face.

I finally straighten and wipe my tears away. I look at Tony tiredly. "Have you listened to the tapes?" I ask curiously.

Tony hesitates. "Yes." He answers nervously. "I wanted to tell you earlier but-"

I wave him off. "Don't worry about it, Tony. I wouldn't have been able to handle it. You saw how I was today and that's after a week."

"I didn't want to kick you while you were down." He confirms. "I knew it would be hard on you."

"Yeah." I whisper then clear my throat. "So where are we with this? Are the tapes being passed around?"

"Yeah. They're almost all the way through."

"Who were they going to next?"

"Clay Jensen." He replies quietly.

"Clay? What did he do?" I ask bewildered. I liked Clay. Hannah knew him more than I did and I knew she liked him but I didn't know much else.

"Nothing, he's just part of the story. She had a message for him. You'll understand when you listen to the tapes." He explains.

I nod slowly, thinking. "I'll listen to them tonight."

"No, you won't." He objects.

"What? Why-"

"Trust me, Meg. It's a lot. Too much for one day. But I'm taking care of it and I'm making sure everything is done how Hannah wanted it." He assures me. "I do recommend you listen to them before you come back to school."

"Why?" I ask curiously.

"I just don't want you to be surprised. Can you trust me on that?"

"Yeah. I understand." I reply, not seeing a reason to argue.

"When you're ready, let me know. I'll listen to them with you if you want." He offers.

I bite my lip and nod. "Thanks, Tony." I say quietly.

"You're welcome." He says with a soft smile then looks ahead.

I remember something and then turn to Tony. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure." He replies with a questioning look.

"That night you found me at the park...you freaked out over the box that had my dance shoes in it. Did you think it was..." I trail off as Tony winces.

"Yeah." He whispers. "I did. You were pretty messed up over Hannah's death. I knew how close you two were. I was afraid you were doing the same thing."

"Jeez Tony...I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you." I say sincerely.

He swallows hard as he nods. "Tell you the truth, I'm still afraid." He says with a fearful look in his eyes. "And I...I just don't want to lose another friend."

I grab Tony's arm. "Tony...you don't have to worry about that. I'm messed up, yeah but I wouldn't do that. You know how I feel but as much as I loved Hannah, what she did was wrong. She caused a lot of pain and I don't wish that on anyone. Least of all you." My eyes water as Tony begins to cry, though he tries to hold it back. "I know she hurt you too and I'm so sorry that I've been drowning in my own sorrow for not acknowledging that."

I laugh humorlessly as I point to the tape player. "You've been a loyal friend to us both. But this...this is such a burden." A few tears escape down my cheeks as Tony just cries silently as he looks forward. "I can't even comprehend how you must've felt...listening to the first tape and then trying to call me and my parents. What you must've seen...how you felt." I choke on my words, feeling overwhelmed with emotion and compassion for my friend. "It's a shitty question but how are you, Tony? Like really, truly...are you okay?"

Tony grips the bench tightly as he lets out a shaky breath. "No." He whispers hoarsely. "No I'm not. I keep asking myself what if we had answered the door or what if I had just listened to the stupid tape a few minutes before or I had gotten there earlier." He sniffs, wiping away tears. "Maybe things could've different. I listened to the tapes and I didn't know what to do. I was angry, sad, hurt. I didn't how to react to the other kids at school. Especially the ones on the tapes." He looks as me with sad eyes." I wanted to tell you...tell your parents. Do the right thing. But I didn't want to hurt you any worse than you were. And I was afraid you'd be angry and I'd lose another friend. I felt like I was letting you both down. Like I wasn't doing my job as a friend."

"Are you kidding me?" I ask incredulously, earning a confused look. "Tony, you were one of the only decent guys that treated Hannah with respect. You were a great friend to her and what you've done to honor her is more than enough. You could've done anything with those tapes. It's not like it would've mattered much, she's gone but that shows how much she had a right to trust you." I sigh and look at the note, scoffing slightly with a smirk. "'P.S. Take care of Meg. She'll need a friend.'" Tears clog my throat. "She really trusted you. And she was right. I needed you because no one can face this kind of pain alone."

"Meg..." Tony whispers as he continues to cry softly.

"You helped me let go of Hannah when the ambulance came and I had to stop CPR. You let me yell at you and you still answered my text. You let me crash at your house, you and your family took care of me when I couldn't bare to be around my own. And I'm pretty sure I got plenty of snot and tears on your leather jacket." We both laugh but it's strangled. I breathe shakily and look Tony in the eye. "You showed up and you did the hard things. That's more than enough."

Tony wordlessly hugs me firmly. I wrap my arms around him and for the first time, it felt like the roles were reversed. Tony always spoke more in actions than in words and it was his turn to release his pain. I felt it, embraced it, welcomed it. You can't be strong all the time. You have to drop the weight every now and then before you pick it back up. I hoped that even if it were for a few minutes, he could drop the weight too. It could wait.

After a while he lets go and he offers a watery smile. "Thank you." He says softly.

"You're welcome." I reply with a small smile.

"You've been there too, you know. For me. It's not one sided." He looks at the sky that is now turning pink and orange. "Thank you." He says again but with more meaning. "For being there and for letting me help. And for showing up. Means a lot."

"Always." I whisper then give him one more quick hug.

We both sigh, feeling more content and slightly drained even though everything was so wrong and confusing. What didn't change though was the amazing sunset this evening brought. It was stunning.

"Hannah would've loved this." I say, commenting on the sky.

"It's beautiful." Tony agrees.

I look at Tony and ask, "How can such a shitty day end with something so amazing and beautiful?"

Tony gives me a somber look but then changes as he turns his attention back to the sky. "For hope." He replies softly.

His words struck a chord in me that I didn't expect but I found myself desperately holding onto those words. I needed hope. Just as much as I needed to breathe, I needed hope. And so when the sun finally went all the way down, I burned those words and picture of the beautiful sky into my mind.