The Way It Is - Chapter 1

Author's Note: This is part something I needed and part something I wanted, this game was nothing short of fantastic and the note it left off was more than perfect for it. But not for me, I needed to see something after, to imagine a way for Ellie to crawl back to some sort of normalcy. I considered briefly putting this in the same canon as my other Last of Us fic, but I just can't. Might co-op some characters from that though, if this continues on to be more than just a epilogue for me.

Brief disclaimer: I do not care if you disliked the game, if you dislike the creators, or what have you. I loved the game, I think NaughtyDog is awesome, I am an absolute fangirl! This ain't for you, it's for me. To help me process my own grief after finishing the game, the grief of finishing a great story and feeling the void, and to help inspire me to continue writing. I don't know where this is headed apart from a few vague ideas of how some reunions will go. There may be some literal conflict later, and I will adjust tags accordingly if I do so. As always I would love to hear your thoughts on it, I hope this helps someone else like me who is feeling a little lost after the ending, even if they enjoyed it, like I did.

Slightly more awkward issue: If you're wondering why I haven't updated my other story in a year and a half, I'm sorry. I have no grand excuse I just lost interest, burned out, got writers block, however you want to say it. I will get back to it when inspiration strikes again and it really hasn't. I'm disappointed in me, too, I promise.

With all of that out of the way, please enjoy!

-Fox

"I don't know what happened."

Ellie slipped over the guard rail of the ruined highway, landing on the overgrown concrete below with a sigh as she looked out towards the walls of Jackson. The air was still heavy with the scent of nature blooming in spring, and the sun was just beginning to dip behind the mountains as the lights of the watchtowers were coming on.

She lifted her hand, her right hand, to wave at the guards along the wall as she neared. One of them, one of the younger boys, she heard shout out her name with an appropriate 'holy shit' to accompany it. The gate began to open as she drew near, and although she returned the happy greetings with a subdued version of her own, she immediately followed it with a question.

Where's Maria?

"I had her, I was so close."

Jackson hadn't changed much since she had last seen it, many of the same old faces and even some new ones greeted her with varying levels of excitement or recognition as she walked through the streets, most of them falling when they noticed her left hand.

No one asked about it.

"I couldn't do it."

Stepping into the Tipsy Bison brought to mind that day so long ago, Seth apologizing to her, giving the bigot sandwiches to Jesse. The old man behind the bar regarded her with surprise, and while the general din of the chatter continued, a lot of people looked her way. It felt like everyone was watching her as she made her way to the back, pushing open the door.

"Ellie?!" The disbelief in Maria's voice was coated in relief, and she found herself pulled into a tight hug, one that she couldn't stop herself from returning. It was only when she removed herself from the embrace and the older woman did a look over her that her missing fingers, and her other various new scars, were noticed. "Oh my god, Ellie.. What happened?"

She let out a long sigh, looking down and flexing her fingers. It still hurt, and sometimes it even felt like she still had all four there. Ellie didn't answer right away, instead reaching up to pull her backpack, still heavy with the weapons and supplies she had scavenged on the way to and back from California, off of her shoulders. Setting it down beside the door frame, she turned and joined Maria on the long couch.

There was a pile of reports, announcements, and other such things about the town on the coffee table beside a half-eaten plate of meat and potatoes. She'd interrupted Maria's dinner and work, not exactly unsurprising at this hour.

"..I don't know what happened." She picked at her nails absently as she leaned forward, looking towards the ground. "I found her, the tip that Tommy had was right. I had her, I was so close." Her hands trembled as she risked a glance at Maria, who reached over and set a hand comfortingly on the back of her shoulder. "It wasn't what I thought it was going to be."

"There was this group that captured stragglers and used them.." Ellie shook her head. "As slaves or something, I dunno. They had Abby for two months before I got there, she was barely alive. I cut her down from this post they were leaving her to die on, and she cut the boy she was with down. We walked to the shore and.. I-I couldn't just let her.. I had to.." She forced down a sob, instead letting it catch in her throat as tears burned at the corners of her eyes.

"He wasn't much older than I was when I met Joel, Maria, but she wouldn't fight. She had to fight, so I threatened him to make her." Now she couldn't bring herself to look over at the older woman, she was sure there was no sympathy to be found there. "But when I had her down in the water, I.." Ellie forced herself to look up, forced herself to speak. "I couldn't do it. I didn't want to do it anymore."

"So she's..?"

"I told her to take him and go."

Silence hung heavy over the room as she sniffled quietly, reaching up to rub the back of her hand against her cheeks and nose to dry them. She had felt monstrous in that moment, and so felt the same talking about it. Her hands around Abby's throat, the blood pumping through her veins, it had suddenly just felt so needless.

It wouldn't bring Joel back.

It wouldn't give her the time she had wanted to try and forgive him.

It wouldn't give her back the time she had spent mad at him.

It didn't take away the nightmares, the flashes she saw.

It had taken away other things though, things she should have held onto more than obsession. Dina, J.J., that song Joel used to play for her.

Ellie flexed her fingers. It still hurt, and sometimes even the pieces that weren't there anymore hurt.

But Maria's hand never left her shoulder, it just gently rubbed her back in small circles. There was a few loud breaths from the older woman, but none of the anger she had feared. None of the accusations that she had thrown away something good and it had all just been for nothing in the end.

"I know it doesn't fix things.. 'Cause things aren't ever that easy." Maria spoke slowly, drawing her gaze over until she could see the woman's small smile. "But for what it's worth, I think you did the right thing for you."

Ellie let herself lean into the hug that came her way, tears running down her cheeks and leaving slight stains through the dirt that had clung to them. She hadn't cried since the beach in Santa Barbara, since she had seen what she had become in her rush to silence the demons that haunted her.

She couldn't even really cry now.

There were tears, sniffles, sure.

Nothing like the sobs that she felt wanted to be let out.

Best to just not acknowledge it.

She pulled away, wiping the sleeves of her jacket against her cheeks as she moved away from Maria some, busying herself with staring at the chipped edges of the table. "Dina and J.J., they're, um.."

"They're here, been staying with Jesse's parents. She's gonna hear about you coming back pretty quickly."

"Yeah."

"Are you looking to fix that mess?"

She could practically feel Maria's stare boring into her. "Is.. Is Tommy around?"

With a sardonic chuckle, the older woman shook her head. "He's uh, he's been down at the dam for the last week."

From the tone Maria had, Ellie couldn't pinpoint exactly how their relationship had fared since she had been gone. "And are you two..?"

"We're working on it."

"Oh."

"It isn't your fault, Ellie."

"No, I know, I just.." She sighed bitterly. "I don't want to make it worse."

Maria laughed at that, a genuine laugh, finally turning to tidy the papers that had been thrown aside when Ellie entered. "I won't lie, we were in a pretty rough place when I learned what he did." The woman looked over to her. "And by no means am I okay with you leaving, but.. We were in a rough place before that too, and we're working on it."

"Should I tell him?"

"About Abby?" Maria leaned back, letting out a sigh. "I would. He loves you, he'll understand."

"I made him a promise, I didn't keep it." She slouched over, resting her forearms on her knees as she pretended to study the floor. "I couldn't keep it."

"Well, if he is an ass, I am sure he will come around." Ellie glanced over to find Maria with a small smile on her lips. "You know better than most that a Miller boy can be a stubborn jackass about something. Just give him time to simmer on it."

Unable to help the twitching that brought her own lips to a ghost of a smile, she took a moment to nod before standing up. "I, uh, I'll get outta your hair."

"You going to check on Dina and J.J.?"

"I think so." Ellie paused in front of her backpack, her right hand rubbing the side of her left palm slowly as she thought. "She should know I'm back from me telling her." With that, she reached down to pick up her pack, slinging it over one shoulder.

There was a noise of approval from behind her as Maria followed her to the door. The woman stopped though, instead pulling her into another tight hug, awkwardly holding the strap of her backpack tight and returning the embrace with her other arm. "I'm really glad you're back, Ellie. I'll have someone drop by your old place and get it unlocked for you."

She offered a weak attempt at a smile. "Thanks, Maria."

With that, she stepped back out into the Tipsy Bison, the chatter still loud as ever and the eyes still wandering over to focus on her.

Ellie flexed her fingers. It still hurt, and she felt the heavy absence of the missing two.