Greetings, future minions! It is I: Jack Spicer, Evil Teen Genius (and former Evil Boy Genius)! I also accept Prince of Darkness, Tsar of Destruction, King of Taunts, and Master of Evil as alternative titles.

Unless you've been living under a rock, it's likely you've heard of my infamous name. I am pretty well-known in the villain circle. As for my goals in life, well, it's fairly simple, really. I want to rule the world with an iron fist and look wickedly cool while doing it.

But first, my tragic backstory. When did I come to realize my dream of establishing a new world order? Well, I had my not-so-humble beginnings in the second grade on Career Day. I remember it like it was nine years ago…

I wasn't interested in any of the boring normal jobs being presented at my school. Not like I could pursue any of them even if I really wanted to; Mom and Dad were basically setting me up to take on the family business ever since I was a zygote.

But I wanted to do something on my own, something that nobody else has ever succeeded in, something unique. So, when I got called up in front of the class to say what I wanted to be when I grew up, I proudly stated that I wanted to be THE RULER OF THE EARTH!

My classmates only responded with laughter. Easily the second most humiliating day of my life ever.

Let's move on before I get the urge to make voodoo dolls of my old elementary school peers.

As you can likely infer through deductive reasoning, I didn't exactly have much in the way of friends throughout my childhood. My assumption is not too many kids wanted to hang out with a guy who looks like the living dead. It's not my fault I was born an albino with dark red eyes and bright red hair for some baffling reason. Yeah, don't waste your breath asking me how that's scientifically possible. I may be a genius, but I'm not omniscient.

And what's even stranger is my family's never had any history with albinism either. It seems as though I was just unlucky enough to get it by chance. Apparently, my bizarre genetic disorder tends to put some people off.

But it's not like I needed friends, anyhow! I had TV and video games to keep me company!

But yeah, as stated, I had ways of distracting myself from the crippling loneliness. Besides, I wouldn't be half the man I am today without those two things in my early life. Whenever I was watching a cartoon or kicking butt in a video game, I couldn't help but form a certain attachment to the villains.

Not only did I admire how freakin' cool they looked, but I also related to how they were mistreated and overlooked by society. So, in retaliation, they would fight back against the system and rise their way to the top where they deserved to be. It wasn't too uncommon to hear me boo at the heroes whenever they showed up on screen to thwart the villains' master plans.

Another thing that always fascinated me was anything that had androids and robots in them: Star Wars, Portal 2, Sonic the Hedgehog, Fallout, Terminator – heck, even Battle for Bikini Bottom, a freakin' SpongeBob game, had some pretty sick robot designs.

Stuff like that is what ultimately inspired me to study up on robotics, which gave rise to my very own personalized army of JackBots!

Never underestimate the influential power of entertainment media, kids.

So yeah, it was just me and the bots…Oh, and occasionally my folks too. As the two current CEOs of Spicer Industries, the world's most untouchable multinational conglomerate next to Disney, they would often be away on business trips while leaving me at home.

It kinda sucked – but hey, at least being the son of neglectful, yet wealthy, parents means I got to make bank on a whole lotta guilt money.

I guess after years of flying in a never-ending loop of business trips, they figured it would be more convenient to live "closer to work" so to speak. As such, we said goodbye to America and moved to where Spicer Industries' HQ was located: China.

Have I already mentioned how I come from a long line of shady businessmen and women? I may not care much about the family company, but I am proud of where I get my underhanded traits from.

Even though my reputation didn't exactly improve by being the only albino exchange student in a Chinese school, at least the mansion we were living in had a sweet basement to convert into my own evil lair! Besides, school was overrated for the natural gifted.

With a brand-new lab and an ever-growing legion of mechanical soldiers, it seemed like the perfect time to execute my plans for world domination!

…

But then I just had to go open that stupid puzzle box and let out the spirit of a fifteen-hundred-year-old witch named Wuya to sweet talk me into collecting magically quirky artifacts called Shen Gong Wu. That sounded rad at first, but she never said anything about fighting crazy monk warriors with powers over the four basic elements!

Would've been really handy to know that little tidbit from the start ya hovering old hag!

I digress. What I'm trying to say here is that this whole treasure hunt has been nothing more than a juggling act between gaining Wu and losing Wu. I needed an escape; something to get me out of this Xiaolin-Heylin war that I had unknowingly gotten myself dragged into.

Who knew my ticket out would come in the form of my death?

I found myself sweating like a pig as I exerted what little muscle power I had into unscrewing the bolts in JB-B2U1532's chest cavity. I hate sweating, it's not something Earth's tyrannical overlord should have to do.

Okay, future tyrannical overlord, but I've already got that position on lockdown. No reason to be modest about it.

Either way, this blows. Lady Luck decided it would be real funny to throw a wrench into my perfect weekend plans. Speaking of which, where did I place my wrench anyhow? It'd make this job of loosening these bolts a heck of a lot easier. The claw on the back of this hammer is not doing it for me.

Anyway, I first wanted to start my perfect weekend off by reliving nostalgic cartoons I grew up with while eating a bowl of Lucky Charms (ironic, I know).

Then, I was gonna lock myself up in my master bedroom and browse through my massive library of video games. I may be an evildoer dedicated to his work, but that doesn't mean I skimp out on gaming.

I've got consoles ranging from 80's arcade machines so drenched in neon colors that your eyes will bleed, to never-before-seen early demo prototypes. I have both retro games and games that haven't even hit the store shelves yet. You can be jealous now.

And how would I end my small vacation away from evil? Why, I'd camp inside my theater room and host a sci-fi movie marathon for the bots as we all make witty commentary throughout each film.

But since the universe doesn't want me to have any fun apparently, I can't do any of that stuff. 'Cuz now I have to spend the rest of the weekend repairing my poor babies. Lemme explain:

I was halfway through my cereal and an episode of Invader Zim when Wuya nagged me to death about a Wu that recently activated. After the colossal failure of the all-out Heylin assault on the Xiaolin temple, that literal witch approached me requesting to reform our rocky partnership "for old times' sake".

I knew her well enough at that point to know when she was trying to butter me up. She had no real interest in playing mentor with me again. I suspected she wanted to see if I was so desperate for companionship that I'd be willing to bring her back in even after all the betrayals prior. If so, she was right.

It's a moot point either way because, guess what? I was right to be suspicious about her. Predictably, she dumped me like yesterday's garbage after my third loss against Raimundo Pedrosa, the Monks' recently anointed leader. Although really, the Showdown he issued was rigged from the start.

I mean – c'mon – a race through Rio de Janeiro on speeding carnival floats while spinning saucers on sticks!? That's inhuman! Not to mention he had the home-field advantage!

By the time I had finished painting a marshmallow-y rainbow onto the pavement, the Showdown was already over, and the Monks robbed me of the Monkey Staff. Now this infuriates me for two very distinct reasons.

1) It was my favorite Wu I had in the vault.

2) It was the only Wu I had in the vault!

The flight back home was so thick with tension, you could practically cut it with a knife and make it bleed. The second I stepped foot into my lab, Wuya really let me have it; any droplet of patience she had before was completely evaporated by her fury.

She screeched about how I was relying too much on my "clunky" robots and that I wasn't training like a proper warrior.

Defending my pride and passion for robotics, I stood my ground for once and told her right in her face that I would never stop using my JackBots to help me fight my battles.

I had to pick myself up from getting aggressively flung back into a shelf, but it was totally worth it.

Wuya stormed out of the house and once again left me to my own devices, figuratively and literally. On her way out, she also made sure I heard her snide remark on how Chase Young can poke harder than I can punch.

Chase...

That name and person associated with it made me lose focus, accidentally damaging the servomotors in JB-B2U1532's right arm. I had an epiphany a while back regarding the Chinese warlord and ex-Xiaolin monk. After all the threats, insults, beatings, and time spent serving under him as his pity apprentice, I finally pulled my head out of the clouds and realized something.

He's a jerk.

I get that's kinda par for the course in the race for world domination, but that isn't an excuse for poor evil sportsmanship! I used to worship this man as my idol, you know. I aspired to be exactly like him one day. Whenever he dropped by unannounced to observe a Showdown, I would push past my normal limits in a heated moment of passion for him and only him.

There was a time where I could confidently say that, yes, I was crushing on him big time. How could I not? He single-handedly made being evil sexy as all get out!

But now I know better; he's nothing more than a playground bully who just so happens to be immortal.

So, about a week prior, I paid a little visit to Chase's crib. I swallowed my fears, grew a pair, and finally called him out on all his crap. It wasn't till halfway through my stammered monologue that I began to really get into it, down to the point where I was straight-up ranting. Three years' worth of repressed frustration came out all at once – and I didn't go easy on him.

Surprisingly, Chase actually complimented me on my bravery after all was said and done. However, that wasn't enough to spare me from the wrath of his jungle cats.

Needless to say, I cut off all ties with him shortly after I crawled my way back home.

Which brings us back to the present. With my cereal soggy, Wu taken, and bots destroyed, my perfect weekend plans were a total bust. Now it's just me hunkered down in the lab painstakingly rebuilding Attack Squad Sigma as fast as humanly possible.

And the cherry on top of it all? SOMEONE ATE THE LAST PUDDING CUP!

I flung the inappropriate tool all the way across the other side of the basement, not even caring if the resonating clang meant something got damaged.

"Damn it! How is an evil genius supposed to get any work down around here when he's got pudding on the brain!? Betcha Wuya snagged the last one on the way out. I wouldn't put it past her, the bitch."

Contrary to popular belief, yes, I am capable of cussing. I've picked up on all kinds of vulgar words, I've just been restraining myself from saying any of them near others for some stupid reason. It's only now, however, that I decided to not give a shit anymore. So what if impressionable young ears pick up on my foul mouth? Let the minds of the youth get corrupted, I don't give a fuck!

I released an agonizing sigh while rubbing my face in, pushing my goggles back up to my forehead in the process. When the up-close smell of oil-laced fingers became too much even for me, I slammed my head on the workbench and went silent.

For a while, I contemplated spending the rest of my life staring blankly at the softly illuminated grid lines.

Jesus – what am I even doing? Getting upset over my Saturday not going as intended? What am I, five? No, I'm sixteen and practically living on my own! I'm so close to making a breakthrough in world conquest, yet here I am: letting my emotions control me. C'mon, Jack, you're an evil supervillain. Supervillains don't throw a hissy fit over having a crappy week!

…

Goddamnit, Spicer, don't you dare fucking cry. You already had your monthly outburst when the Monks pummeled you over the Mikado Arms, you don't need to make it bimonthly. It's already embarrassing enough that you've been branded as a crybaby by both good and evil, you'll only be proving their point if you turn on the waterworks now!

Don't cry. Don't cry. DO NOT CRY. DON'T FUCKING- -

"Heeeeey! It's the hard-working man of the hour using his extraordinary gifts to fix us lowly machines! Who needs an ordinary life when you're Jack Spicer, Master of Evil?"

A cheery voice snapped me out of my trance. I raised my head and glanced behind me to see who it was. The faintest smile crept its way onto my lips when I found myself looking back at YesBot, a blonde robot butler I designed to have a sunny smile and matching disposition. I was long overdue on rebuilding him after he exploded, and he's proven to be the most supportive companion I've ever had.

Which is more than I can say for that whore witch and Lizard Breath.

"Thanks, YesBot, I…I really needed someone to remind me of that. Heh..."

The humanoid automaton rested his gloved hand on my shoulder. He toned down the upbeat optimism in his vocal patterns before continuing.

"That's why you built me, Jacko. I understand you didn't have the greatest childhood growing up, but let it be known that the other bots and I will always be there to support you. In the best of times, and in the worst of times, we'll be there to pick you up when you're down. Count on it!"

Thank my genius intellect for inventing emotion chips.

I don't normally do hugs, but I was more than willing to make an exception this time. So much so that I even disregarded the sacred 3-second rule.

We did eventually let go, and I felt as though my self-esteem had been restored to its former glory. All in a day's work for YesBot.

"I knew you were a thrilling work of genius the moment I installed your power cells."

"Yes, yes you did! Right as always!"

I nodded and turned around to get back to work, this time in much better spirits than before. But then I realized I had chucked the only tool I had on me somewhere in my labyrinth of an evil lair. Before I could begin searching for it, however, a stay-at-home JackBot appeared beside me with the hammer I had previously yeeted!

Along with a distracting dent in his helmet…

"Oh! Heheh, uh, whoops. Sorry 'bout that, JB-0V32W47CH. Here, let me replace that for ya."

I accepted the hammer the bot brought me while unscrewing his disc-shaped helmet and tossing it aside. As I perused a shelf lined with robot armor pieces, YesBot continued to converse.

"So, Jack Meister baby, as much as I admire your passion for all that is evil, why not just kick your feet up and watch something on the boob tube for a while? You've been working nonstop for the past couple of days, I wouldn't want you to crash and burn on me. How else will I be able to fulfill my programming of kissing up to you?"

JB-0V32W47CH beeped graciously after I finished screwing on a new helmet for him and hovered away to continue supervising the equipment. I turned to address YesBot's well-meaning but annoying concerns.

"YB, I'm hearing ya, I appreciate you looking out for my health…but you're not my mom, alright? And even if you were her, I still wouldn't listen. She and dad are gone so often that I might as well be the owner of this house. If they can't be bothered to put in the effort of raising their little monster, then I can't be bothered to obey their rules. I'm my own man, I can do whatever I want."

For a split-second, I could've sworn I saw YesBot furrow his mechanical eyebrows in what looked like worry. But then again, my eyesight isn't the best and the basement is decently dark. So it was probably just my imagination.

"Read you loud and clear, Boss-Man! After all, you know you better than anyone else!"

I lazily hummed in response and went back to my repairs. After a while of ripping out damaged parts and stacking them to one side, my stomach demanded food. The only thing I could think to eat at the moment was my box of Lucky Charms, but I didn't really feel like snacking on cold cereal right now.

I asked YB if he happened to have any refreshments other than pudding to provide.

"Ooo, I am terribly sorry about that, Master Jack! It appears that my hammerspace snack module needs to be restocked once more! So terribly sorry for the inconvenience!"

Great, not just out of pudding but out of junk food entirely. This day can bite me.

"Tell me something I don't know..."

"The U.S Supreme Court has its own private basketball court aptly named 'The Highest Court in the Land'."

"…I actually didn't know that. And I'm supposed to be the basketball pro here. How'd you know that?"

"I learned about it online while I was taking my scheduled break. I find facts to be a great conversation starter!"

"Huh, the more you know."

As much as I wanted to look into this, I had shit to do. I carefully weighed my options, and after getting sidetracked a few times thinking about basketball, I eventually came up with a reasonable battle plan.

"I know, I'll go to Hong Kong and pick up some more pudding! Besides, I need to fly down there anyway and convince a certain panda-themed crime boss to give me another loan. I need to order more spare parts for the boys and orichalcum ain't a cheap metal alloy you know."

YesBot snapped finger guns my way and praised me with all his programming.

"Excellent idea! Shall I inform the GuardBots of your departure?"

"Go ahead. Don't let anyone in the house unless it's my parents coming home from their subsidiary proposition overseas."

I still can't believe they're actually trying to buy the rights to Tohomiko Electronics. I can only pray that Kimiko doesn't cook me alive the next time we have a Showdown against one another.

My favorite robot butler hovered away into the depths of my dimly lit lair, the only lights available coming from the menacing glow of computer monitors and bulbs from various contraptions I've built over the years. I made my way down into the hanger bay and hopped into my sleek hover jet, warming up the systems for launch.

After launching myself out the hanger doors, I stole a quick glance back at Spicer Mansion before kicking the jet into full throttle. Little did I know that would be the last I ever saw of my home.

"Stupid Pandabubba, what a bloated fuckface..."

I was weaving my way through the densely populated streets of Victoria Harbour. The lights from the elevated skyscrapers made the harbor shine to contrast the nighttime overcast.

It was already beginning to drizzle as I did my best not to bump into anyone while gripping my bag of store-bought pudding cups.

Really, I should've known better than to make a deal with Hong Kong's criminal underworld kingpin, especially considering he's conned me twice in the past. But I didn't have much of a choice given that I spent the last of my monthly allowance restocking my essential junk food supply. That means I had to drop to my knees and beg that living tub of lard for another loan.

However, with no Shen Gong Wu to use as collateral, Pandabubba was reluctant to do such a thing. Though he did come up with a way for me to cover the debt. It's the very reason why I was walking home instead of flying.

The mobster didn't really seem to care at all that the hover jet was literally my only ride home. If anything, he took delight out of seeing me squirm for reconsideration. And since my HeliBot was on the fritz from having it slammed into a shelf (a tool shelf I might add), I had no means of flying home.

Oh, and did I forget to mention that my house was located far away in the countryside!?

"Man, does evil have its struggles. But that doesn't mean I'm ready to throw in the towel just yet! Whenever there's a nefarious scheme to be hatched or a good guy who needs a good kick in the pants, I'll be the one to do it, baby!"

In fact, I've been thinking about something recently. Maybe I would be better off just dropping out this whole Shen Gong Wu fetch quest. When you really stop to think it over, this fool's errand has only been delaying my master plan instead of speeding it along. The more I dwell on it, the more I realize that I could've ruled the world years ago had I just stuck to my guns.

"Besides, who needs magical antiques when you've got science and sick, killer robots on your side? I am Jack-freaking-Spicer, baby, the Earth is putty in my hands! It's just me, myself, and I against the world; I'm the only friend I'll ever need! I'll show 'em, I'll show 'em all who I am and what I'm made of! So long, Xiaolin Losers! See ya, Chase Young! Hasta la vista, Wuya! It's high time I get back to the drawing board! I believe this calls for a celebratory evil laugh for sinister things to come."

However, before I could divulge my trademark evil laugh with the citizens of Hong Kong, I noticed something strange out of the corner of my eye.

It looked like a girl crossing the road and…

"Wait a minute, is that – is that truck gonna stop!?"

To this day, I still don't understand what possessed me to act so out of character that night. I mean, a bona fide bad guy playing the role of hero for no rhyme or reason? It's illogical.

Regardless of what disease I had caught, I dropped my bag, knocked over the idiots hogging the sidewalk, pushed the girl out of the way…

And then everything went black.

…

Until my eyes shot wide open.

The first thing I did upon regaining consciousness was to protect my face with my arms and shriek in craze-fueled terror.

Upon realizing that there was no truck with my name on it, I eventually took the time to notice something off about my surroundings.

It didn't look like I was anywhere in a hospital. Or anywhere on planet Earth for that matter. Or anywhere period.

I found myself sitting on a simple wooden chair facing a white, fancier chair with a matching nightstand. From what I could tell, I was in the middle of a void with endless black as far as the eye could see. The only other noteworthy detail about this place was the checker-patterned floor with a light mist covering it.

Other than the absentee of floating Chinese characters, this area, if that even is the right word for it, bore a strikingly eerie similarity to the Ying-Yang World.

Seriously, what the actual hell was happening?

"Oh – I know! This must be a bad dream! I must've made it back home, helped myself to a generous helping of pudding, and now I'm suffering from a food-induced nightmare. It wouldn't be the first time this has happened from eating too much processed chocolate."

But if this was a dream, as I had just hypothesized, then why weren't my pinches waking me up? I was ready to start slapping myself silly when a serene, feminine voice broke through the uncomfortable dull hum of the void.

"Spicer Jacob, welcome to the afterlife."

I turned my head around and, lo and behold, there was another living person here. As the stranger emerged from the darkness, I could see that it was indeed a girl judging by the voice from earlier.

Actually, describing her simply as "a girl" wouldn't do her justice. She was a fine example of a lady, and one who didn't look too far off from my age no less.

It was weird, she gave off this immense aura of…divinity. Kinda the same as Wuya's, but pleasantly sweet instead of sickeningly gut-wrenching.

Her hair was light blue, with a loop cropped up on the top by a hair clip shaped like a water molecule funnily enough. Her outfit consisted of a navy-blue vest, detached white sleeves, a ridiculously short miniskirt with a transparent underskirt, dark blue boots that went up to her knees, and white tube socks. She also had this translucent pink scarf of some kind wrapped under shoulders too.

She sauntered past me, and that's when I made a startling discovery.

She wasn't wearing underwear…

Or, maybe she was, and the lighting made them blend into the shadows of her derriere. Either way, that discovery combined with her supernatural beauty was making a certain "lab assistant" of mine very happy downstairs.

Don't judge me! I'm an albino who's had both sides of the playing field avoid him like he was the plague, alright!? Cut me some slack.

The blue-colored beauty sat on the white throne and crossed her leg over the other. Not sure whether I should feel thankful or teased.

"Your life was quite short. And now you are quite dead. My condolences."

"Oh, I see. I'm dead. Well, I suppose that makes sense."

…

"I'M DEAD?!"

The delivery was so sudden for me, I knocked over the chair I sprang out of and started pacing all around while rambling in hysteria.

"No, no, no, this CANNOT be happening! I thought the good were supposed to die young, not the evil too! I had so much I wanted to do with my life! I never got to fall in love, I never got to rule the world! There are still so many robots that I have yet to – MY BABIES! They'll power down and rust away without daddy to run maintenance checks on them- -"

I tripped over my chair and fell flat on my face. I looked up to see if that heavenly hottie was still there.

She had a bored expression on her face as if she's seen this song and dance before.

"You finished?"

I picked myself up off the ground and brushed my coat, acting as if she hadn't seen me freak out just then. Now that I had some time to take in the fact that I was no longer among the living, I decided now would be a good time as any to start asking some questions.

"Hang on, what about the girl I pushed out of the way of the truck? Didn't she die too?"

"No, she's fine. In fact, she would've been fine even if you hadn't pushed her out of the way."

"…Huh?"

"Yeah, trucks stopped at red lights don't really pose much of a threat."

"Wait, wait, wait, time out for a sec. If the truck was stationary, and I didn't get run over, then how the hell did I die?"

"Oh, that's easy: you died of shock."

"What!?"

"You were so convinced you were gonna become that trucker's latest hood ornament, your brain promptly seized up and then you had a heart attack."

The blue thing's unreadable expression quickly shattered as she went hysterical. I just stood there and watched, dumbfounded.

"Pfftt – hahahahahahaha! You were so scared, you peed yourself in the process! The girl you pushed away had to hold in her snickering as she called for an ambulance! And when the doctors were writing down the cause of your death, they went into a riot! Kukuku!"

I covered my ears; I didn't want to hear any of this.

"I'm not listening, la-la-la-LAAA!"

She suddenly invaded my personal bubble, though I was too distraught at the moment to properly process it.

"The doctors had to phone your parents and tell them the cause of your death. Even they were laughing."

"NOOO! You're lying! This is not funny, I'm dead for crying out loud!"

The Crayola bitch eventually composed herself as her chuckles finally subsided.

"Alright, I think I've vented enough stress. Seriously, out of all the humans I've ever met, you're the only one who died in such a bizarre manner!"

Just who the hell does this chick think she is?

Well, I'd get an answer to my question soon enough as she cleared her throat and resumed her "professionalism".

"Back to business. I am the goddess Aqua. Yes, the goddess Aqua in charge of guiding adolescents who die in Asia to the afterlife. I present to thee a choice: either be reincarnated back on Earth or allow me to send you to Heaven."

The girl, now known as Aqua, looked from side to side to see as if to see if anybody was watching her. She covered one side of her mouth in order to speak more discreetly about something.

"But I gotta tell ya, you'll be a bit disappointed with the latter."

"But why?"

This is Heaven we're talking about. The Promised Land, Valhalla, whatever you wanna call it. I know I didn't really believe in any of that stuff before, but I also didn't believe in ghosts and magic until a few years back. Besides, at least it's not H–E–Double Hockey Sticks.

"Yeah, you see, Heaven isn't as grand of a place as you humans like to imagine it. Your soul essentially floats around freely in a sea of clouds. Nothing much to do except talk to others and bask in the sunlight for all eternity. There's no TV, video games, manga, food..."

Aqua shifted the tone of her voice into a seductive whisper as she puckered her lips before continuing.

"And since everyone is incorporeal…you can't have sex or do anything even remotely kinky."

"Are you sure you're talking about Heaven and not my eternal damnation? Because it seems to me that the line between the two is starting to blur."

"Trust me, you're not the first to think that. Now then! I suppose I could have your soul reincarnated into a monkey or something like that, but it kinda sucks to forget all about your previous life, doesn't it?"

Aqua got out of my face and flashed a confident grin my way.

"That's why I've got a special deal for you. You look pale and look like you haven't slept in years; you play video games a lot?"

"Is a blue hedgehog's favorite food chili dogs?"

"Yeah, but what does that got to do with anything?"

"…"

Did not expect her to be a gamer.

"Yes, I play video games a lot."

"Oh! Well then why didn't you just say so? Use some common sense."

Noob.

A spotlight coming from nowhere shined onto Aqua as she dramatically explained her proposal in a clearly rehearsed fashion.

"There exists a world filled to the brim with magic and wonder. However, in the midst of all that joy exists a tyrannical monster: The Devil King! Peace and prosperity are being threatened, and everyone lives in fear as the Devil King's army slaughters, rapes, pillages, and...more...slaughters!"

Was she having a stroke or what? Can gods even have a stroke? How would that even work? Why do males have nipples if they virtually serve no purpose?

"…Basically, if you've ever played a JRPG or MMO before, you'll have a keen grasp on what to do. Most people are too scared to risk getting killed twice, so they just opt to go to Heaven. As such, the world's population is on the decline. But on the plus side, you get to keep your old memories and body. Not only that, but you also get to have a sort of 'cheat' to take with you. It could be a magic sword, a special power, or whatever you can make up. I'd say it's a pretty sweet deal all things considered. So, whaddya say, Jack?"

I tuned back into reality and only now did I realize I hadn't been paying much attention.

"Sorry, I zoned out for a second. What were you saying?"

She facepalmed before watering down her speech in an annoyed tone.

"Fantasy World: good and happy. Devil King: mean and bad. You: go down there with MacGuffin and kick his butt to receive a wish by the gods. Did you get all that or do I have to simplify it even more for you, space cadet?"

"Oooohhhh, okay then. I just have one question. Well actually, I have a thousand questions, but this one is more important. What about the inevitable language barrier? I practically had to stick my face in a travel dictionary just to get by living in Asia."

The goddess skipped to her throne and opened a drawer in the nightstand next to it. She pulled out a book of sorts and flipped to a page that had a bookmark in it. She skipped back on over to me and placed it in my hands.

As I carefully read through the contents of the chapter, Aqua offered me her cliff notes.

"We gods already have you covered in the language department. The nanosecond you step into the Fantasy World, your brain will get overloaded with all the knowledge of the spoken and written language. Though there is a small chance your brain won't handle it and you'll go poof – but that's rare!"

"What was that about me going 'poof'?"

"Look, do you wanna go or do you wanna sit around and play Twenty Questions?"

Well, things certainly got a whole lot more interesting. I'll admit, Aqua did a commendable job of hooking me into the idea of reincarnating me into what is essentially a video game world. Even though I'm more of a sci-fi fanatic, I can get down with being bestowed an OP MacGuffin by a hot goddess (no matter how pretentious).

Plu~us, if I can kill this Satan wannabe and get a free wish out of it, then I can wish to take his place and become the new Devil Queen! No Xiaolin Losers to stop me!

Man, I wanna laugh maniacally so hard right now. However, doing that with a goddess present might come off as suspicious; I don't want to do anything that might ruin my chances of getting in.

I'll just keep it in my head for the time being. BwahahahahahahaHAAA!

"It's a deal, sister!"

"Hey, hurry it up. I don't have all eternity. Well, I do, but I don't want to spend it with you."

Aqua muttered something cryptically similar to something Wuya once said to me through a mouthful of potato chips. She had been sitting on her ass for about half an hour munching on junk food while I sorted through all of the written cheats to choose from on the floor.

"You're not the only human I need to send off, y'know. I got an hourly quota I need to surpass and you're holding up the line. You're just some self-absorbed otaku who spends his free time cooped up inside all day. It's not like anything you pick will matter."

"Let the mastermind concentrate here, woman…"

"Don't gimme no lip! You should know better than to speak so rudely to a divine immortal, human!"

I felt something small bounce off my head as I carried on with my business. I think she might have thrown a potato chip at me. It doesn't matter, she's just a small steppingstone on the path to my victory. Once I select my blessing, I'll never have to see her again.

Besides, I've heard better insults coming from Wuya and Chase. Now those are two immortals that could easily kick this one's ass. Her fine…round…plump ass…

A-anyway, it was only taking so long to choose because there were simply too many options to choose from. I started out with a basic system of placing the contracts in either a "maybe" pile or a "no way Jose" pile. Half an hour goes by, and all the contracts I sorted through ended up finding themselves in my "maybe" pile!

Also, let's not forget to mention that some of these powers and items are totally ripping off certain Shen Gong Wu. Don't believe me? Here's the description of some of these cheats verbatim:

A sacred sword that allows the wielder to bend the wind at their command. That's just the Sword of the Storm.

A light, casual shirt disguised as nigh-invulnerable chest armor. Can you say the Two-Ton Tunic?

A flying, papier-mâché dragon as a rideable companion. The Longi Kite in a nutshell.

The ability to predict your enemies' every move. The Mind Reader Conch has already got that on lockdown.

All these abilities and items are just bootlegs of Shen Gong Wu!

Or...is it the Wu that are the bootlegs of these abilities and items?

Perhaps there are some things we are just not meant to know, like whether the chicken or the egg came first.

As cool as all these options seemed, I wanted something nobody else would think of. What's the last thing one would expect from a teenager in a pseudo-medieval fantasy land to have?

The power of technology! The perfect skill I excel at!

"Alright, I've got my own custom cheat I'd like to take with me!"

Aqua put the chips aside and spoke in a flat tone.

"Oh joy. This ought to be good and not at all overpowered. Fine, what is it?"

"Get ready for this, I call it 'Sandbox Mode". I want it to be an ability where I can spawn all the necessary tools and equipment I need to make robots and other machinery."

"Done."

I blinked. "That's it?"

"Yup. You get your blessing once I send you to the Fantasy World."

"Oh...Weeeell, don't I at least get some starting gold or something?"

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

Aqua sighed as she unenthusiastically rose out of her seat and magically spawned a small pouch in her hand, presumably filled with gold coins. I excitedly rushed over to pluck it out of her hand. Before I could collect my booty, however, she raised it above my reach with a sly smirk on her face.

"I'll only give this to you if you promise to say, 'Thank you for your kindness, Aqua-sama~'."

Really? You're making me beg like a dog? Also, I died in China, not Japan. And I'm American!

"You can't make me!"

My cry of indignation only served to amuse the water-themed goddess even further as she retaliated back.

"Just for that, you now have to say, 'I'm so sorry for disrespecting you, Aqua-senpai. I'm just a foolish little boy who doesn't know any better'."

I've had enough of this.

I threw myself at her as we both rolled around on the floor, slapping one another and pulling at each other's hair. Sometime during our scuffle, there was a ray of light accompanied by a disembodied angelic choir that made us freeze in place. It was especially awkward for me because Aqua was halfway to pinning me down and thus sitting on my stomach.

To detract the blood from rushing down south, I occupied my eyes by examining the apparent newcomer: an actual fucking angel, wings and all. But no halo, though, so I'm assuming it's not of the Christian variety. She had peach-colored hair, a pink dress that was somewhat skimpy, and a warm smile that could melt the hearts of even the most hardened of criminals.

That is, of course, except for my greedy black heart. 'Cuz I'm a criminal mastermind.

Her pleasant smile suddenly turned into a confused frown when she witnessed us roughhousing on the floor.

"Aqua-senpai, is everything alright?"

"Stay out of this, rookie! I'm trying to ship this whiny bozo off to a grand adventure!"

"I'M NOT WHINY!"

Without warning, Aqua and I were both separated by an unseen force and each trapped within a glowing magic circle of unknown design. Obviously unexpected by the sudden turn of events, Aqua lashed out at the angel who now had this threatening aura about her. No joke, she looked like she was about ready to slaughter her at the drop of a hat.

"Aeris, what's your deal!? What is this?!"

The murderous angel, Aeris, answered slowly and meticulously with venom dripping from her words.

"I have just returned from a meeting with the Council of Heaven. You were the subject matter of our little discussion, senpai. Your frequent mistreatment and harassment of departed souls has been tolerated for long enough. I am now reassigned to guide humans who pass on in Asia to the afterlife once more."

"WHAT!? If the meeting was about me, then how come I wasn't invited to defend myself? I wasn't even made aware of it!"

"If I'm being brutally honest, Aqua, we knew our words would never reach through that thick skull of yours. It seems the only way for you to learn your lesson is if you learn it the hard way. As such, the Council of Heaven agreed a fitting punishment for you would be to adventure with the next human you meet. Think of this as your redemption. Should you and this young man succeed in your quest to vanquish the Devil King and his army, you may return to the council and have your position of guiding departed souls back."

Aqua banged on the invisible barrier surrounding her and started blubbering.

"Nooo! You bitch! I'm your senior, you're ranked lower than me! Why do I have to go with this clown!?"

"Hey, uh, still in the room over here."

Aqua had rivers of tears streaming down her face as she begged Aeris to reconsider. C'mon, at least I had the dignity to hold in my tears when trying the same thing on Pandabubba.

"No, you can't do this to me, you can't! I'm a healer, not a fighter! I won't last a day all by myseeeeeelf!"

"Fare thee well, young travelers. I pray your journey will be an eventful one!"

Aeris beseeched us goodbye as we began to rise up into the air. I glanced over at the lame excuse for a goddess with a smirk and gloated:

"Looks like this is karma for all the mean stuff you said to me earlier. Let this be a lesson for ya: don't mess with Jack Spicer!"

Aqua and I teleported out of Purgatory in an enveloping glow, with her crying her eyes out and me laughing maniacally the whole way through.

Hi. It's the author, here. This is my first time ever putting one of my works out online for other people to see and (hopefully) enjoy. I'm still learning how this site functions so please bear with me in the meantime.

Anyway, if you liked this, why not leave a review? I'd love to receive feedback so that I may improve my writing. Also, if you happen to have any story suggestions, leave your ideas in the reviews too! I technically already have the other chapters written out but I'm definitely open to suggestions. I don't want this story to be a simple rehash of Konosuba Season 1. I want to spice things up a bit, you know?

But with that out of the way, I'm 0ne Swood Guy. Catch ya on the flipside.

P.S. Shout out to my childhood friend for proofreading this and the subsequent chapters to come!