AN: This was my attempt at a comedy lol. I loved participating in the Perfect Date Contest. It was such a fun contest to write for. I am happy to have submitted two entries and this one won a special award (The Craigslist Missed Connection award). There is going to be a part two as requested :)

Bye Bye Bella - Bella and Edward's first date gets interrupted by Edward's obnoxious roommate, Tanya

Edward Masen ran a hand through his wet hair and sighed, closing his umbrella, and shaking it out on the welcome mat outside his apartment door.

What a day …

Even before he got out of bed this morning, he was exhausted, thanks to a night of action by his roommates, Tanya and Emmett. Then, when he arrived at school, his classes had been all been hell, and his lunchtime, internship interview had been agony, to say the least.

The only thing keeping him operating at half-mast was the enthusiasm he had for his date tonight.

The phone in his pocket buzzed twice, notifying him of incoming notifications—a text from Emmett and a message from the dating app, Hello Cupid. The second notification earned a smile.

He unlocked the door, tossing his wet umbrella into the basket by the entrance. He threw his backpack on the couch, sitting down eagerly to check his phone.

He pondered for a moment and kidded himself, thinking he was actually going to answer Emmett's text message first.

Hey, can't wait for our date tonight! Counting down the time till I get off work! – Bella.

Edward smiled again, staring down at the chat box on Hello Cupid. If he scrolled up, he would see the hundreds of messages he and the beautiful girl on the other end of the line had exchanged over the past few weeks. He tapped on her photo, the screen loading her dating profile.

Bella Swan was a dark-haired beauty with pale, creamy skin that contrasted delightfully against her large brown eyes. Her photos were what caught his attention, of course. And he'd be lying if he said he didn't picture those large brown eyes looking up at him from a different angle, but it wasn't what kept him interested.

Edward had seen Bella a few times before matching up with her on the app. Sure—the campus wasn't that big, but even if it were, he definitely would have recalled seeing her. He remembered her long hair waving as she pushed a book cart or as she tripped over the landing at the bottom of the stairs in the library where she worked. It was the way she laughed at herself and seemed to know everyone who crossed her path.

Talking and getting to know her on the app was only the icing on the cake. She was incredible, and he really didn't want to blow it.

This year seemed to be full of things being blown. Money—Edward swore Emmett spent more money on Tanya than he did on anything else in his life. Grades—it was one of the toughest semesters of his college career, and between trying to cater to his obnoxious roommates, his obnoxious insufferable professors, and his pre-medicine studies, he didn't have much time for himself.

He sighed and stopped looking at her profile, switching to his text messages. He had multiple texts from the lesser obnoxious roommate.

Hey, you got plans tonight? – Emmett

I am assuming your no response means no (as usual LOL), but I am at Rosalie's house for the night. Can you sign for a package that's coming for Tanya? It's important. Should be there this evening. UPS running late or some shit – Emmett

Um…actually I do? Date with Bella. – Edward.

Really? Score! Just have your date at the house. Come on, man. Do this one favor. Besides…staying home might help your case a bit. -Emmett

Dick. – Edward

With his newly arranged plans, Edward decided to call Bella to give her a heads up. They'd originally planned to go to a local Italian restaurant that didn't really offer take out. He hoped she would be open to making new plans.

He scrolled through his recent calls. In addition to the messages over the dating app, they'd opted to talk via phone in the last few weeks; short conversations before bed worked for both of them.

She picked up on the second ring.

"Hey, Edward. Everything okay?"

"Bella, hey, yeah, everything is good. I hate to do this, but would you be up to changing our plans tonight?" Edward asked, frowning as he took in the rest of the apartment. It was a mess, and he was going to have to do some cleaning before she arrived.

"Uh…sure, to what exactly?" Bella asked. Her voice was soft. Assuming she answered the call when she was at work, but he could hear the worry leak into her question.

"Uh, well… we could still go out, just maybe pick it up and dine in? Watch a movie?"

"That sounds great…can I ask why?"

"Yeah…my roommate is an idiot and forgot he needed someone home to sign for this package they've been waiting for, and it just so happens to have a late-night ETA…" Edward explained, "I kinda got forced into it."

"Yeah, that's okay. Maybe we could take a walk and get some dinner from that restaurant around the corner from your apartment you always talk about."

"That sounds great…I'll text you my address. Just come over whenever you get off work, and we can go." Edward said.

Bella's long hair was draped around Edward's face as she laid on top of him. Her lips were eagerly sweeping across his neck and down his chest. She pressed into him, every inch of him, lifting her head and smiled fervently.

Her eyes were big and drunk with the passion of the moment. She trailed her long fingers down his torso, thankful he'd lost his shirt when they'd burst into the bedroom in the middle of their movie. Her lips had been locked with his; all her thoughts flying out the window the moment her hands ran underneath his shirt.

Edward's hands ran over her back, smoothly trailing his arms underneath her blouse.

"Oh my god, your hands are cold!" Bella laughed, shrieking with laughter as she moved up to capture his lips against hers. He laughed against hers, pulling her closer.

Suddenly, another shriek of laughter echoed in the apartment. It erupted from the back bedroom, a high-pitched voice.

Bella pulled her lips away from Edward's, tilting her head in bewilderment. She looked back at the door, listening closely for the sound.

"Um, Edward? Is there someone else here?" She asked, blinking in confusion.

"Uh, no…why would you say something like that?" Edward asked, eyes widening. He seemed to be oblivious to the noise.

Well…the package you said your roommate needed never got delivered; it's been a few hours and I don't see your roommate anywhere…"

"Yeah, it's for Emmett. He's with his girlfriend. I'm not sure where it ended up, maybe they'll deliver it tomorrow—" Edward tried to soothe Bella's confusion, pulling her down to kiss her again.

A loud scream interrupted them.

"Okay, seriously! What the hell was that?" Bella asked again, startled. She began pulling on the blankets, trying to find something to cover up with in case someone burst into Edward's bedroom.

"No…we're alone…I—" Edward shot up, remembering something, "Shit! Tanya."

"Tanya? Who is that…?" Bella started, her brow narrowing. Was it another girl? Edward never mentioned anyone named Tanya in his life…"I don't have to remind you that my name is Bella, right?"

"No! She's my roommate's…" Edward started, panicking, his words trailing off. He moved his legs off the side of his bed, scouring the floor for his discarded shirt.

"She's a roommate? Uh, I don't remember you mentioning a female roommate…" Bella said. She huffed as Edward seemed to pay little attention to her. She rolled her eyes as she buttoned up her shirt.

"No…that's not…" He said again, finding his shirt. He pulled it over his head, brushing off the fuzzies from the carpet.

Another scream erupted from the back bedroom.

"My roommate's not here. He's at his girlfriend's…" Edward said.

Again, the voice howled.

"I thought Emmett took her with him. Damn it." Edward spat under his breath. His eyes widened, but he quickly ran a hand through his messy hair, trying to play it cool.

A symphony of moans rang out, and the rattling of metal radiated off the walls as the headboard banged into the wood.

"Oh! Oh! Oh!" The loud, squeaky voice rang. It was muffled by the wall but only rang louder as a frown solidified on Bella's face.

"Sounds like someone's taking her all right…"

"Nobody is here, Bella."

"Um…no offense Edward, but are you deaf? Clearly, there is someone here."

"No, Bella, there's nobody—"

As if on cue, the banging and screeching stopped.

"It's…. probably just the neighbors," Edward said. He hoped she would ignore his earlier comment to himself. He really didn't want to deal with this right now. Leave it to Tanya to ruin his night. He couldn't risk going to the back bedroom.

He sat up in the bed, grabbing his glass of wine from the nightstand, and downing the rest of it.

"Don't you live next to an elderly couple?"

"Yeah…but don't kink shame. Age is but a number. Maybe they've got some…hobbies." Edward said sarcastically.

"I sincerely hope you're talking about gardening and chess."

"You can call it whatever you want," Edward smirked.

"Uh, do you want more wine? We could finish that movie…" Edward asked abruptly, changing the subject. He prayed Tanya would be quiet for the remainder of their date.

"Sure, we could always finish that movie."

"We could…or we could do a little gardening ourselves." Bella offered, wagging her eyebrows.

"What?" Edward said, confused. He'd been too worried about the noises to focus. Hopefully, the movie would distract them, and Emmett's obnoxious sound system would drown out the unwanted noise. He didn't exactly want Bella to meet Tanya this way…she didn't always have the best reactions to newcomers.

"Uh…nothing. More wine sounds great."

They made their way from Edward's bedroom to the abandoned wine bottle left on the kitchen island. Edward moved to pour them both another glass, biting his lip.

"So, you're a Harry Potter fan?" Bella asked as she looked back at the movie they'd been watching. It was paused only forty minutes in. She didn't really question what they'd been watching because she wasn't initially focused on the screen. While Edward poured the wine, she admired the Pop Funko collection on the entertainment stand.

"Yeah, kind of, but Emmett more so. Those figurines are Rosalie's. She doesn't have a place to store them, so Emmett moved them there."

"Who's Rosalie?" Bella asked cautiously.

"Rosalie is Emmett's girlfriend." Edward answered, handing her the wine glass, "she lives over behind the Science halls."

Bella nodded in understanding, sipping her wine.

"And your other roommate?"

"What other roommate? Emmett's it. Though my friend Jasper crashes on our couch four nights a week, so I guess you could count him. Fucker doesn't pay rent, though." Edward said, laughing.

"Does he stay so you guys can all go out at night?" Bella laughed again. Her eyes nonchalantly looked at the door to the back room off the kitchen.

"Uh no," Edward laughed awkwardly, "I wish I had time to go out. He crashes here because he's a psych major and interns over at the student clinic on the other side of the parking lot. It's just more convenient for him since he lives in the dorms."

"Hmm," Bella said.

"Do you wanna finish the movie?" Edward asked.

"Okay, but…I have to ask Edward. Do you think I'm dumb?"

"Pardon?" Edward asked, shocked by her question, "Of course not, why would you even say that?"

"You know, people on campus talk Edward. Girls talk. Girls…you've dated."

"Okay? What the hell is that supposed to mean? I wasn't aware I had an incriminating past or something." Edward asked, getting defensive.

"It doesn't mean anything…I'm just saying…you're acting kind of weird," Bella said.

"Um…okay."

"I agreed to go out with you because you seemed like a nice guy, but I've got to tell you that I'm not going to be anyone's second choice, or side chick, or whatever the heck people call it these days."

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Bella."

"Who's Tanya? You mentioned her earlier…"

Edward was confused at what exactly Bella was getting at. Side chick? Second choice? Tanya? What the fuck did any of those things have to do with anything?

What did it have to do with people he'd dated on campus? And there weren't many of them, so he couldn't tell if she was bluffing in an effort to get some answers.

And suddenly it clicked.

And he burst out laughing.

Bella thought…

"Edward!" The voice called.

"Edward!"

It was back.

"Your girl!" Its muffled voice continued through the walls. "I'm your girl."

Bella's eyes widened, and she scoffed. Edward's laughing was cut off.

"You know, Edward, I thought you were different! Ugh! This is why I never date guys from dating apps! Just because you have...gorgeous green eyes and you're tall…you think you can do whatever you want to girls! I bet you already have another date lined up, and she's waiting for you back there! You're a fucking asshole!"

"Bella, there is nobody here! I am different! I'm not some player or whatever you're thinking! There is a perfectly reasonable explanation here." Edward tried to explain but was battling desperately not to laugh at the situation.

"And that would be? Why are you laughing about this?" Bella seethed.

"Tanya…she's…" Edward started to explain.

A loud knocking interrupted him.

"UPS!"

Edward ripped open the door, "Yeah? What is it?"

The UPS man stood there, grinning.

"Hi! I have a delivery for a Miss…Tanya McCarty?" The mustached man looked down at his clipboard, "it's pretty big though…you'll have to drag it in yourself. I just need you to sign here."

As soon as he finished signing, he wanted the floor to swallow him whole.

"Lucky lady! That was my heaviest shipment of the day. Hope it's a wonderful gift." The man commented, taking back the clipboard.

Edward narrowed his eyes as he dragged the box through his apartment door, "yeah, the luckiest."

After he shut the door behind him, he took a deep breath as he turned to face Bella. The irony of the situation was awful.

"Bella, I know this looks horrible, but I prom—" Edward was cut off by the whoosh of Bella's wine glass. She raised her hand and poured it over him, the top of her arm angling it high enough to soak the top of his head. Wine sloshed through his hair, dripping down his neck and all over his shirt. She set the flute calmly on the counter before walking past him, towards the door.

"What the fuck?" He gasped in shock at her actions. He was briefly frozen, before spinning around in confusion.

"So, you're not just a player and an asshole; you're a liar too. Have a nice night with Tanya, Edward." Bella scoffed as she slid on her shoes before grabbing her coat and stomping out the door before Edward could say a word.

What the fuck just happened?

He was going to kill Emmett.

"Here, Tanya. Your stupid delivery came." Edward burst into the room, causing a startled gasp to escape from the room, "God, how much seed do you need?" He moved the large package into the corner of Emmett's room.

An offended squawk escaped from the large, yellow-crested Cockatoo perched on Emmett's metal bed frame.

"He didn't even put you in the cage! Damn it, Emmett!" Edward sighed in frustration.

Guess it was a good thing he didn't introduce Tanya to Bella. She's possessive. He raised his arm in offering as a perch and the bird spread her white wings, preparing for liftoff. She soared through the air, landing in a gentle swoop onto Edward's forearm. The bird nuzzled the top of her beak gently against Edward's torso.

"Edward!" Tanya squealed, "Edward!"

"Yeah, hi, Tanya." Edward scoffed, walking towards the large cage that occupied the far half of the room. He kept his arm out so the bird could comfortably totter on his arm.

"Your girl!" She squawked back, "I'm your girl."

The bird took notice of the stain on Edward's shirt—wine Bella had poured over him before she left. Tanya attempted to nip and slurp at the sticky liquid.

"Uh, uh, no!" Edward sternly said as if he was scolding a child, "if I don't get to have a good time, then neither do you."

The bird looked up at him in shock, her enormous yellow crest rising, the feathers standing straight up on her head. She scoffed, letting out a saucy squawk.

"You know what you did, you…you…." Edward struggled to find an appropriate insult. Cock…cockatoo…cock… "Dick!" Cock… blocking… cockatoo

"Your girl…I'm your girl." Tanya repeated, bowing her head. She attempted to show off her glossy headpiece.

"Yep. The only girl I'll ever get." Edward muttered.

After opening the metal door, Edward maneuvered his arm into the cage. Tanya happily jumped to the large wooden perch, turning her head over her shoulder to look at Edward. She batted her eyelashes, eyeing him as if she was performing a Daffy Duck striptease.

He rolled his eyes and slammed the cage door shut before walking out of the room to find something stronger than wine.

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Happy Reading,

mariescullen