A Weiß Mary Sue
Written by Sakki
Because I had nothing better to do.
Inspirations for this fic are the following: The Sailor Moon Anti-Mary Sue fic on the Claris Project webpage; One of my friends who, at some point, wrote out all the descriptions for a Mary Sue; and the bashing of a certain Weiß Mary Sue fic whose title I can't remember right now.
And because I was going in late to school.
~~~
Ken woke up one morning feeling euphoric. He'd had the most wonderful dream last night. In it, he'd been on a mission and had run into a girl. He decided to tell everybody else about it (Manx included, because she was going to show up like she did every day with another goddamn mission from her pimp Persia).
"Good morning, Omi!" he said as he walked into the kitchen. Said blonde looked over at him from the stove, where he was brutally butchering some eggs. Omi, despite being the smartest and most l33t of the whole group, couldn't cook for beans. For that matter, none of them could cook for beans. Yohji even had trouble with the can opener.
"Hi, Ken! How did you sleep?"
"I know how I slept," muttered Yohji from somewhere on the floor. "Like this."
They heard snores.
"I was asking Ken, not you, Yohji," said Omi with a sigh. Besides, everybody knows how you sleep. We can hear you sleep. It's usually with a girl, Ken thought to himself.
"Ah, I slept fine. Thanks for asking." Ken sat down. "Where's Aya?"
"Opening."
"…the shop? This early?"
"Yeah."
"Really?"
"Really."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure."
"Are you absolutely sure?"
"I'm absolutely sure."
"Did you see him going to – "
"Ken, shut up. I'm trying to sleep."
"At least get off the floor."
Yohji didn't respond to this. Whether he went back to sleep or not, they never knew. Because shortly after Ken was served a meal that would have been better off dropped in a sewage plant, Manx walked in, complete in her tight-fitting red leather and black lace. And steel-tipped high heels.
Which, coincidentally, met with Yohji's ribcage.
"Weiß, you have a mission," she proclaimed loudly, trying to be heard over the string of swear words coming from the floor. "It's urgent."
"What's urgent is getting me to a fucking hospital!" Yohji screeched.
"Nothing's broken. I would have heard it. Now get into the basement." Manx stepped delicately over the writhing form on the floor. Ken and Omi wisely followed her, because Manx was known to have landed those steel-tipped shoes in men's throats without taking them off her feet. Yohji eventually crawled through the door and down the stairs, fortunately unaided by Aya and his usual speed-up methods.
The redhead was the last one to follow.
Right now, he thought bitterly. She had to show up _right_ _now_, when I had just opened the shop. Right _fucking_ now, when everything was arranged and clean. Which I had been doing since four this morning. And right as the rush of people aiming to buy flowers for whatever store-made holiday is tomorrow were headed my way. Right _FUCKING_ now. Fucking pimp Persia and his fucking whores. Why does he have to send in missions in the morning?! Why not at night?! Why can't Manx drop off the video on her way to the bar or something?! Or maybe Birman when she's heading for the streetcorner? Or maybe –
"Abyssinian!" snapped Manx.
Aya glared at her. How dare she interrupt his internal monologue.
"You have a mission. Now watch this tape." She started up the VCR. Persia's shadowed form appeared onscreen.
"Weiß, you have a mission."
As if we didn't already know that, thought Ken blandly.
"Two American businessmen have moved into Japan and have been killing young women."
"WHAT."
Manx turned to glare at Yohji.
"Yohji, shut up and listen."
"But…those young women!"
"Just watch the tape."
"The women," Persia continued, "have all been young, attractive women, usually in their late teens and early twenties."
Yohji gave an angry squeak.
"Their ethnicities ranged from Japanese to American to European. Their bodies were all found dumped in a river somewhere."
Despite the fact that these men are brilliant masterminds, they can't even dispose of a body properly, carefully, or at least without leaving some sort of trail that we can easily follow, Aya thought.
"You must stop them. Their names are Mark Driraison* and Tim Hunter. Hunters of the night, deny these evil beasts their tomorrows!" With that, the TV screen flicked off.
Oh boy, thought Aya.
"We have the locations of the two businessmen. Unfortunately, they have an extremely high level of security, and even though Omi could probably hack through their systems in two minutes or less, you're going to need extra help."
"But didn't you just say…?"
"Injustice!"
Everyone looked at Yohji except Aya.
"What?"
"It's an injustice!"
"Look, Yohji, I know you don't like working in a team, but you need – "
"I mean what they did!"
Aya groaned and rubbed the bridge of his nose.
"Those horrible American business men…!!" Yohji stood up suddenly. "Those poor women! The girls…they must have been so scared!"
Without warning the lanky blonde jumped onto the couch, sending Omi and Ken flying to the floor. "I swear," he began, "to AVENGE those beautiful ladies with all my might and power! Their souls shall rest peacefully!! There will be justice!!!"
"…That's wonderful, Yohji," Manx said, rearranging her clothes so they showed off even more of her massive cleavage. "As I was saying - "
"I WILL NOT REST UNTIL THEY HAVE BEEN AVENGED!!!!" Now Yohji was waving his arms around like a superhero. "There will be - " swish swish " – complete and total - " fwisssh " – VENGEANCE – " shoom " – for those wonderful – " fork " – beautiful - " knife " – GIRLS!!!!!!" splat!!!
Too much emphasis, Aya thought.
"Yohji, shut up and sit down."
"Nah, I get a nice view from up here."
Manx sighed and punched the back of Yohji's knees, sending the playboy flat onto Ken, who had climbed back onto the couch. Aya growled, but of course went unheard.
"So," said Omi, finally managing to get in a word, "who will this 'extra help' be?"
"She will be arriving at about six tonight."
"She?" said Omi, thunderstruck.
"She?!" said Ken, shocked.
"SHE?!?" said Yohji, ecstatic.
"She," said Aya, feeling a headache coming on.
~~~
So. Hate it? Love it? Wish it would spontaneously combust? Either way imma keep writing it. AHAHAHAHAHAHA. HA. Ha. ha. ._.
* - Sound familiar?