This fic is literally just one big joke about Ivy and Zack being… not the brightest. Seriously, think these things through, dudes!

Thus: Crackfic. Enjoy!

Also, I do not know if one-way blackout curtains exist. ...let's just pretend like they do.

(:)

"Bro." Ivy's voice broke through the darkness of their room, her voice thoughtful with a waver of worry.

Zack groaned at her voice, rolling over to face the general direction of her bed. "Wha' is i' a' this hou', sis?"

"Playah." Ivy elaborated, sighing. "Thin' of it, he's a' a'one...wherevah he is."

"Hmm?"

"Bro, we're all orphans. Playah's proba'ly one, too. Base' on our grou's genera' bad lu' wi' fam'ly, his fos'ar/adop'ed fam'ly probabl' sucks, huh?"

"No wondah he spends a lo' of 'ime with us ins'ead of 'em." Zack realized, sitting up in bed. "We'va go'ah help the poor kid."

"We'va go'ah." Ivy agreed confidentially. "Do ya think Carm will 'elp?"

"She hasn' kidnappe' 'im ye'." Zack pointed out, scratching his nose.

"Probably because Playah 'old her he was fine." Ivy said, trying to think up the most Player-isk thing to claim for him to say. "And then, because she's a very 'rus'in' person from livin' on a island for 'bout nine'een years, she believe' him and decide' to leave good enough alone."

"I don' considah her a very 'rus'in' person." Her brother hummed, biting his lip in confusion.

"She 'rus'ed Shadowsan real quick." Ivy snorted. "An' the on'y reason that she didn' 'rus' Chief ri' away is due 'oh Chief 'ryin' 'oh arres' her aroun' a dozen or so 'imes."

"Hmm." Zack nodded. "'ood poin'."

"Ima'ine how surprise' she'll be when we brin' him home."

Zack grinned, excited by the prospect of, for once, surprising the master thief. "Plan Kidnappin' Playah a 'oh?"

"Yup!" Ivy agreed. "We'll s'ar' plannin' the arrest 'omorrow." She decided, laying back down on her bed and turning onto her side, not facing Zack anymore.

Zack grinned at her before laying down as well, turning his back on her as he smiled to himself.

Somehow, he forgot to consider how truly stupid the whole plan was, and how many ways it could go wrong.

(:)

The first step of their "master plan" was to figure out where Player lived. Because, quite frankly, only Carmen knew. Sure, Player would tell them if they asked, but then he'd get suspicious about why they were asking. So, they had to think of a cover story. Luckily, Zack had an idea for an excuse.

"Playah?" Zack called, pretending to type on his computer. (Even though he didn't know how to type.)

"Yeah?" Player inquired from Carmen's phone, breaking away from whatever he was talking to Carmen about to look at Zack.

Carmen turned to face her laptop, typing on it. (She actually did know how to type.)

"Where do ya live?" Zack asked, running his fingers across the keys, a bunch of gibberish appearing on the computer screen.

Player glanced oddly at the computer, unable to see the screen but somehow already able to tell that Zack was faking his skills on typing. "Uh… why…?"

"Ya know how you did tha' whole 'Emergency Info Lis'' for the en'ire 'eam? I'm makin' a remake of tha'. Now including you!"

"Um, I added my info to the list. And the list is connected "

"Yeah, bu' wha' if somethin' happens 'oh you and we can' ge' 'oh the lis' because Red Drone goes out of commission? And we loose ya info?" Zack hesitated, well aware of how horribly he was lying. Player was squinting at him; the getaway driver could tell even from the seven feet between himself and the phone. "Hey, anythin' could happen!" He tried one last time with a weak smile. "Because of conspiracies, ri'?"

"I am a fan of Conspiracy theories…" Player mumbled half to himself, humming thoughtfully. "Though I don't approve of you using it against me, or saying it within earshot of Red, because I hoped that she had forgotten about it."

"I have not forgotten." Carmen assured. "I was waiting for the perfect time to blackmail you about it."

Player glared at her in betrayal, before turning back to Zack. "I live in Ontario: which is the city that houses Niagara Falls."

"Swee', always wan'ed to visi'." Zack said, perking up. Ivy swatted him across the back of his head as she walked behind him, though unfortunately Player had already heard and was giving them a very weird look.

"Uh… I would say that's suspicious, but you guys probably will come to visit after Red defeats VILE."

"Then we can all go." Carmen agreed. "That'd be fun. We've gotta discuss what we're going to do when we visit."

Zack glanced at Ivy while Player and Carmen began chatting again, the two siblings sharing a wide grin. The first part of their plan was a success. And they had managed to do it without compromising their plan part two.

(:)

"Yo, Shadowsan, how do you ordah plane 'icke's?" Ivy asked, leaning over the ninja's shoulder. Thankfully, Shadowsan had been on a caper and thus had missed where Player lived, which meant that they could ask for him to get them plane tickets without him being too terribly suspicious.

"Why do you wish to know?" Shadowsan inquired, even though he was already pulling up a few tabs for the home pages of several different airport companies.

"Li'le bro and I wan'ed to go on a vaca soon." Ivy told him, sighing. "Maybe to Niagara Falls?"

"That would be a nice vacation spot." Shadowsan agreed, unaware of Player's location. "Countess Cleo had a chateau there until it got compromised by the police soon after Carmen escaped the island."

"Huh." Ivy blinked, wondering if Carmen had called the police on the operation when she first escaped for Player's sake. Or if Player had called the police for his own safety. "'ood thin' we're not goin' there when Countess Cleo was runnin' the biz, aye?"

"Good thing indeed." Shadowsan agreed, taping his fingers against the tabletop. "Now, here are three different airports. This one is most commonly used by VILE when the cleaners are unavailable to help, I would not advise using it; it's sketchy. Player usually uses this airline; it deals completely in solo flights. It is more expensive to use, despite it's handiness, so I do not believe that you should use this one. I used this third airline when traveling from France to Rio de Janeiro. It has less expensive commercial flights." He frowned in thought. "Which would you like to use?"

"Less expensive commercial airline." Ivy decided, jabbing a thumb at the third airport.

"Excellent." Shadowsan nodded, tapping at a few buttons to order two tickets, after confirming the time Ivy wanted to go on vacation. When it asked for the pay, he turned to glance at her curiously.

"Uhhh...use VILE's funds?" Ivy suggested, shrugging a little.

"Unfortunately, I do not know how to access those." Shadowsan frowned a little, brow creasing. "I used my own private funds when ordering my flight, and…" he hesitated for a bit longer, then added a list of numbers to the pay option that Ivy didn't recognize. "I shall ask Player to wire more funds into my account later for emergency uses." He determined with a nod. "You may use the leftover money I currently have in my account for your vacation."

"Thanks, Shadowsan!" Ivy whooped, hugging him tightly, avoiding calling him 'Dad' with some difficulty. "You're the best!"

He nodded with a fake scowl, waving her off. "Yes, yes. Now, how about you bother someone else? I have work to do."

Ivy could tell he didn't really mean it, and was enjoying pretending to be grumpy.

Ivy loved her family, and couldn't wait to (force) have Player be a part of it.

(:)

"This coul'a been be'ah though' ou'." Ivy said, facepalming after realizing they really didn't even know where in Ontario Player lived.

Eventually, Zack managed to come up with the idea to use Red Drone to download the Emergency Info List that Player had made. That list was actually complete with his home address and everything.

And then they realized that they didn't actually know how to carry out the kidnapping.

The best they came up with was to brage in through the front door, sleeping-gas Player's horrible (foster?) parents, locate his room, stuff him in a sack, then run.

Obviously, that wouldn't work since Player probably had laser guns to gun down any intruders in the house. (He wasn't THAT high-tech, but Ivy and Zack didn't know that.)

"I thin' we've go' 'oh use Red Drone 'oh loca'e his bedroom, figure ou' how 'oh ge' in through the window, and then kidnap him by s'uffin' 'im in a sack. The less fuss tha's made, the slower his paren's will pick up on his disappearance." Ivy suggested, punching her hand into her fist.

"Does his bedroom have windows?" Zack mused. "Is ih' even a bedroom, or is ih' a cave or bunkah?"

"Of course he has a window." Ivy snorted. "Every bedroom has a window, and he does no' live in a cave or a bunkah. Every 'ime he said he did, it was jus' a joke." She paused. "Ri'?"

Zack shrugged. "How abou' we 'ry 'oh find Playah's room, through the windows, and if we can' fin' ih, then we break in the ol' fashioned way."

"Agreed." Ivy nodded, tossing Red Drone in the air and activating her.

"What happens if Playah won' come willin'ly?"

"He will come." Ivy told Zack with great assurance. "I mean, he's gonna wanna his 'errible fam'ly, ri'? Who wouldn'? An' we're his friends. By e'ension, fam'ly!"

"Yeah!" Zack concurred, beaming at his older sister with confidence. "'ake 'er away!"

Red Drone circled around the building, peaking into every window as she went. Zack stared over Ivy's shoulder as she went, making contrementry over everyone that they saw in the house.

"Aw, thah's Playah's Mom! She looks jus' like 'im! And thah's his...oh, geez, he has a four year-old sis?! And there's anothah, and anothah...they're so cute! He has triplet sis'ahs?! Ivy, can we-?"

"First we kidnap the hackah, then we go back for the kiddos a few days la'ah, okay, bro?" Ivy confirmed, glancing at him in slight amusement. Zack nodded eagerly at that.

Eventually, Red Drone peered through some black curtains, able to peer into a very dark room. All that Ivy could see was a series of glowing white monitors, the light bending around a very familiar figure. "We've go' ouah hackah." She noted, beaming. "No wondah we nevah seen any windows in his room; they're one-way blackout cur'ains!"

"Those exis'?"

"Apparen'ly." Ivy shrugged, glancing at Zack. "Ready?"

"Yea." Zack nodded eagerly, and Ivy pulled out two matching grappling hooks. She handed one to her brother and kept one to herself, cocking it.

"Ya go' tha sack?"

"Yup." Zack held up said sack, beaming merrily as he showed it off.

"Grea'!" Ivy cheered enthusiastically. "Les' go!"

Two grappling hooks attached silently to the side of the house above Player's window, and Ivy and Zack un-silently cheered as the grappling hooks carried them to their destination. They adjusted the footing and attached the string to their matching belts. Ivy summoned Red Drone to unlock the window and help them break in.

They took out the screen on the window, wincing when it landed on a bush beneath the window with a quiet thump, then they carefully slipped open the glass. They pushed aside the one-way blackout curtains, dropping into the room as quietly as they could, which...was not quite at all.

When they straightened, Player was looking at them with the most bored expression on his face. "Hi, Ivy and Zack."

"Hi, Playah!" Ivy and Zack greeted enthusiastically, forgetting that he really should not know that they were going to invade his house. "We'ah here to ki'nap ya!"

"I know." Player sighed at that, nodding and glancing at the bag Zack carried. "You're...using a potato sack? I don't know why I'm surprised."

"Yea, uh…" Zack glanced at the sack, then back at Player, who was obviously too big to fit in it. "This… was poo'ly planne'."

Ivy just shrugged and ripped one of the blankets off of Player's bed. "We can 'ie 'im up with this!"

"Dudes, how about, instead of stuffing me in a sack, we just walk out?" Player jerked his thumb toward the door, arching an eyebrow at the two siblings, tilting his head at them curiously.

"Ih's cooler this way." Ivy explained, spreading out the quilt on Player's floor, gesturing for Zack to scoop Player up and set the hacker in the center of the blanket.

Zack obeyed, picking Player up by the hood of his coat and dropping him confidentially onto the grid-blanket.

"Ow." Player deadpanned, glaring up at Zack while Ivy smacked her brother upside the head, glaring at him for handling their friend so roughly.

Ivy knelt down and made a point of closing the blanket over Player carefully.

"Guys, no. I advise against this." Player told them, his voice muffled. They were pretty sure he sounded very bored. "How are you even going to get me out the window? It's not big enough to fit me and the bag outside easily."

Zack and Ivy exchanged a look over the blanket, frowning a little in worry. They exchanged a little nod, Ivy hefting the 'sack' over her shoulder, waving for Zack to open up Player's door. Player yelped quietly in protest, surprised by the sudden movement, which only increased tenfold as Ivy broke into a wild run, charging through the house.

Zack dashed ahead of Ivy, pushing open the front door so that Ivy could charge through, whipping around to close it behind her. She ran to their rental car, stuffing Player and quilt into the backseat, allowing Zack to climb into the driver seat and rev up the car.

"So," Player said, poking his head out of the blanket. "Did you even purchase a third plane ticket to get me back to San Diego."

Ivy and Zack exchanged a look and groaned, thudding their heads against the dashboard and steering wheel respectively.

(:)

Gwen, Fawn, and Awen watched the two redheads charge through the house, the triplets exchanging a horrified look.

Gwen turned to face her mother, staring up. "Mom?" She inquired, gesturing as the tall, male redhead courteously closed and latched the door behind him, giving them a happy little wave. "Who's that? Why did they have Curtis's quilt with them? And why did the quilt look so heavy?"

"Don't worry about that, sweetie." Mrs. Bernard comforted, ruffling her daughter's brunette hair. "It was just your brother's weird friends."

"Oh." Gwen blinked, staring after them. "Teenagers are so weird."

"Fawn," Mrs. Bernard referred to the middle triplet, turning back to finish dinner. "Please set one less spot at the table tonight."

(:)

Please don't ask how Ivy and Zack got Player back to HQ. It involved a lot of sparrows, Moscow, a trip to the Statue of Liberties' crown, and a lot of scrolling through random math books for fun for them to wrangle him back to San Diego. It...was a disaster.

(Player later mentioned how they could've just asked him to order a third plane ticket.)

(:)

"Hey, Carm!" Ivy called into the HQ as soon as they entered, tilting her head up. "We'ah home!"

"Yeah, and we brough' ah suh-prise!" Zack cried in the same tune, draping one of his arms happily around Player's head, unable to stoop down low enough to wrap his arm around the hacker's shoulders.

"That took longer than expected." Carmen called back, taking a few seconds to walk into the main room. She barely batted an eye at seeing Player, only holding up her computer. "Do you need to borrow this to register a return flight?"

"Yes, please." Player nodded, striding forward and taking the computer in hand, sliding it over onto the coffee table so that he could begin typing on it.

Ivy and Zack could honestly not tell if he had hacked into it or had already guessed the password. Either way, he got past all of the security in a matter of seconds, logging onto the airport's website that he usually used.

"Wha'? Wha'ah mean you'ah goin' back?" Zack blinked, looking from Carmen's amused expression to the back of Player's head. "Bu' you jus' go' here!"

"Yeah, and now I need to go home." Player told them, rotating in his seat to face them. "I appreciate that you guys kidnapped me because you were worried, but I don't want my parents to also get worried. Which they will if I don't call back home in the next…" he checked the time on his laptop. "...two hours."

"We rescue' you!" Ivy protested, eyes widening. "Why do ya wan' 'oh go back?!"

"Contrary to common belief, Player isn't like the rest of us." Carmen informed them, leaning against the couch with a sly smile. "He actually has a good home life. Nice, loving parents, siblings, nice house, the works."

"That's true." Player told them, pressing the final button to purchase a ticket for a plane leaving the next day. "I've told my parents about what I do, too."

"Wai', ya 'old 'em tha ya help Carm?!" Zack gaped, certain that he had crossed a line.

"Yeah. I mean, it's dumb to constantly put myself in a life-or-death situation without telling an adult, right?" Player waved his hands. "Not as bad as you guys have it, but if VILE or ACME found out…"

"So, they'ah not panickin' tha' we ki'napped ya?"

"I hope not. I did tell them the night before you kidnapped me that you were going to do it soon. And I've been sending them updates every few hours." He tilted his phone at them, showing off his history of sent messages. "I don't want my parents to panic."

"You knew we were gonna to ki'nap ya?!" Zack gaped, miffed.

"We guessed the same week that we met you that you'd eventually attempt it." Carmen admitted, looking even more smug. "When you asked where he lived, it was easy to guess that you had gotten it into his mind. Finally, Shadowsan told me you guys were planning a 'vacation' to Ontario, and by that time, well, it was pretty much a given."

"Sin'e we me'?!" Zack screeched in disbelief at the same time that Ivy called Shadowsan a traitor under her breath.

"I mean… no offense, but you two are a little predictable." Player teased with a grin. "We purposely avoided telling you because we had a bet going on about when it was going to go."

"Player won." Carmen huffed, glaring at her best friend.

"I won." Player confirmed with a nod.

"So, wai', you both were expe'in' this?!" Ivy and Zack gaped, exchanging a shocked look.

"Yup." Player and Carmen nodded together, exchanging a fist-bump.

Ivy and Zack barely managed to make it to the couch opposite Player before collapsing, staring forward in shock. "And you didn' 'ell us?"

"It was funny!" Carmen shrugged, then sighed. "Just never do that again, alright? Most kids' parents would not approve of that."

"Yeaaah, my parents are laid back." Player shrugged, a teasing grin alighting upon his face. "Like, they're fine with me living a life of crime, as long as I get at least an hour of sleep at night, and show up to family movie nights."

"Oh, man, Boss, we need family movie nights!" Ivy crooned, eyes widening in glee.

"You two got distracted so fast." Carmen deadpanned, slow-blinking at them. "Like seriously, one minute you were kidnaping Player, and now… okay, you've got to get your priorities in check."

"Okay." Player pushed back from the computer, closing it and handing it back to Carmen. "I've got until tomorrow until my flight back, so how about we talk more about how non-single-minded you are later, and you show me the room that I know you made on the chance that the kidnapping successfully worked."

"Creep." Ivy deadpanned.

"Nerd." Zack decided, slow-blinking at Player.

Confident, Player grinned back, rising as he stretched carefully. "Alright, we've got twelve-sixteen hours to hang out; let's make the most of it."

(:)

Of course Player was expecting them to kidnap him. He also told his parents about everything because hello, he's not going to not tell them that he's constantly in a life-or-death situation. Also, Carmen isn't daft. She put two-and-two together and also figured out what Ivy and Zack were planning. Shadowsan probably figured it out without even knowing where Player lived.