Chapter 17

"ROBBY!" Matty yelled as soon as he came through the door, attaching himself to his leg.

Shit. The dish. He'll make me drop it. Robby had spent all morning on it and it'd come out beautifully – layers of mashed potatoes, vegetables, curried meat and cheese, golden brown on the top and freckled with spices. All that hard work.

"Matty, can you let me go?" Robby asked, trying to shake him off his leg. Matty just shook his head against his thigh and gripped harder. Too close. Too close to the groin. We'll need to have a talk about this too.

"Miguel, would you - ?" Robby jerked his head.

"C'mon Matty, leave Robby alone." Miguel said, stepping forward.

"NO!" He yelled, holding tightly. But Miguel grabbed him around the waist and pulled him off anyway, carrying him away and tickling.

Robby breathed a sigh of relief. The dish was safe and so was Matty. He headed into the kitchen feeling better about the upcoming day already.

The LaRussos had invited them to the thanksgiving dinner and so had Johnny. So they'd compromised. Or rather, made others compromise for them – they'd have a joint family dinner at the LaRusso house and everyone could come over to cook or bring something over.

Ofcourse, that didn't include the kids. Robby and Miguel didn't have to bring anything. Or if they really wanted to, they could do something simple like a salad or cranberry sauce. But Robby wanted to impress them. That need for approval never really went away. And he liked cooking. When you were a kid left home alone a lot, you learned to whip something up for yourself. And then you learned how to make it more interesting. And as you did it more and more, you discovered that the better you get at it, the more you love it.

And ofcourse, he loved how much Miguel loved his cooking. He didn't mind it when he had his hands messy with flour or butter and Miguel wrapped his hands around his waist from behind. He didn't mind when Miguel called him "wifey" before kissing his cheek and his neck. He didn't mind when Miguel went down on him right there, pushing his pants down, spreading his cheeks and licking him open so he could barely focus on the work with his erection tenting through the apron. And he certainly didn't mind when Miguel pushed into him right there, taking him right on the kitchen counter, the ingredients forgotten…

But not today though. This day had started under a cloud. Robby had given Miguel the cold shoulder all morning. He'd looked so hurt and confused, like he still didn't get what he did wrong, but Robby was stubborn. If Miguel didn't get it even after having it explained to him a thousand times, the thousand and first wasn't going to make a difference. And Robby was in no mood to indulge him today.

This day was about spending time with family. And they were all there. Almost – thankfully, Louis hadn't been invited. But the rest…

Carmen had brought Rosa over and she gabbed away in Spanish, not really caring that barely anyone understood her. Lucille was there, chatting away with Carmen about the difficulties of being a single mom and how some women had it much easier – leaving Amanda fuming in the background. And Sam had come home for the holidays too… but surprisingly, without Sunil. Mr. LaRusso had invited her latest boyfriend but…

"Yeah, we figured that if things were at the point of getting invitations to holidays, then they were getting too serious." Sam told them flippantly. "So we decided to break it off."

"Oh honey, I'm sorry." Amanda said comfortingly.

"It was nothing serious. We were just having some fun." Sam shrugged. "I always knew that his parents want him to settle down with a nice Indian girl, so it wasn't like I was invested or anything."

But he was such a nice kid, Mr. LaRusso raved. Always so polite, so respectful, so cultured. And smart – a PhD from Stanford was nothing to scoff at. He was kind and considerate and hard-working. And he has a bright future ahead of him. He was a keeper. A great guy. And if Sam kept letting them slip through her fingers…

… And Shannon was there. Three years sober and doing really well. She had a job again and a boyfriend. Someone good for her this time, someone she'd met at a meeting instead of a bar. Someone who understood the struggle she was going through. He was a divorcee with three kids of his own, so he had to be with his own family for Thanksgiving but that was okay.

Shannon was happy to be there and Robby was happy that she was. It used to be just the two of them on days like this, after all. Just them in their dingy apartment, making do with store-bought, pre-cooked turkey and whipping up a little something else. It wouldn't have felt right for Robby to have all this while leaving her behind.

His mom was still his mom though and she couldn't help but make things a little tense. She sniped at Johnny and Johnny took shots right back and unfortunately, Carmen occasionally got caught in the crossfire. Robby got that. Shannon had no love left for Johnny, but it still wasn't easy seeing your ex with someone else. Robby couldn't imagine what he'd do if Miguel ever broke up with him to be with someone else. Probably kick him over the balcony or something.

Even so, that comment about Johnny "trading down" from "someone as hot as Shannon" was below the belt. Carmen was as gracious and forgiving as always, but Robby couldn't help but feel a little sorry for her. He decided to be extra nice to her today to make up for his mom's behavior.

"Did you do something different with your hair today?" Robby said when he found her in the kitchen, stuffing the turkey. "It looks really nice."

"Thank you." Carmen replied evenly. The coldness in her voice took him back a little.

"You need some help with that?" He tried again. "I'm pretty good at cooking."

"No. I got it." Her expression didn't change and she didn't look at Robby.

Ofcourse, it's about yesterday, Robby realized. Miguel or Matty told her what happened - what almost happened and she is pissed at me. But Miguel was the one at fault here – why is she angry with me?

"I guess you heard about yesterday, huh?" He asked. Carmen looked at him then and gave him a stiff nod. "I'm sorry. That never should've happened."

Her face softened up a little and Robby went on.

"And I promise you, something like that will never happen again. I talked to him and I think he got it. I'll be more careful in the future. And I talked to Miguel and…" Robby trailed off, seeing the anger back in her face again, stronger than before.

"Where the hell do you get off talking to my son like that?" She said incredulously.

Robby blinked. Miguel? This is about him? He's her son too, but she has always been so reasonable in the past.

"Miguel? I'm sorry I blew up at him, but he - "

"I'm not talking about Miguel, I'm talking about Matty." Carmen corrected him. "You scared him yesterday."

It's just one thing after another.

"I didn't yell at him." Robby said defensively. "I didn't want to yell in front of him either, but I calmed down and talked to him - "

"I'm not talking about that. I've yelled at him plenty." Carmen was shaking her head.

Then what the hell are you talking about?

"You told him he shouldn't touch you?" Carmen said. "That people will do bad things to him if he touched them?"

Robby nodded. It wasn't exactly that, but that was the gist of it.

"Do you know how it scared him? The kid thinks the world of you and you…" She sighed.

Robby still didn't understand. Matty should be scared. Fear will keep him safe from predators.

"Look, I know you still have your issues with Johnny, with how you neglected you all your life and that's okay. I know you don't want to be close to Matty because of that and I will try to keep him away if that's what you want, but this wasn't okay." She took another breath. "He shouldn't pay for Johnny's mistakes and you shouldn't take out your crap on him."

I wasn't. I didn't. "That had nothing to do with it." Robby said. "Carmen, I almost touched him the wrong way, okay? And I wanted to protect him from that. From me."

It was Carmen's turn to be surprised. "You wouldn't do that." She shook her head. "You are not that kind of a person."

"No, ofcourse not. Not on purpose, but - " How did it always come to this? "Accidents happen. I could accidentally touch him somewhere or he could touch me and that - "

"And that's okay." She was blinking, uncomprehending. She didn't get where he was coming from. "Robby, that kind of stuff happens all the time – when we are playing with him – me, Johnny, Miguel… It doesn't mean anything. It's not going to mess him up."

How is she not getting it? She's a mother. She's supposed to get this stuff.

"Kids need to learn boundaries." He took a deep breath. "If you teach them that people touching them is okay, then they'll want it more. And there are bad people out there who'd take advantage of that. Matty needs to learn this, before he gets hurt."

That should get through to her. I know moms get pissed when you tell them how to raise their kids, but this is the right thing. She'll see.

"They don't need to learn like that. Not at that cost." Carmen was blinking. "Listen, Robby, Matty needs to feel loved. He deserves to feel loved. Every kid deserves that. And touching them – holding them and hugging them and playing around with them is just another way of showing you love them. There is nothing wrong with him wanting that. He should want this. And he's going to want this until he's a teenager. He'll still want it then, but he'll pretend that he doesn't. And then he'll do the same with his kids."

Robby was getting frustrated now. We are talking past each-other.

"There is nothing wrong with showing or wanting physical affection, you get that, right?" Carmen asked.

"Yes." Yes, he'd heard that a lot of times from Justine. "But there are people out there, bad people - "

"Who are not getting anywhere near my son!" Carmen said firmly. "He doesn't need to be afraid of that because I will do it for him. I'll protect him from them. And so will Johnny and Miguel and…" Her face softened. "… and you."

But that's what I was trying to do….

"I don't get you sometimes." Carmen said, shaking her head. "The only thing that will mess him up here is feeling like that his big brother doesn't love him."

Why did it always end up like this? Always. Why can't they see? Why can't he explain it to them? How can they all be so blind?

… Or am I the one being blind here?

They couldn't all be wrong could they? He was the odd one out here – the one who thought of things differently. So maybe he was the one not seeing something. The one who was missing something.

So he looked. The rest of the day, he observed them and saw things that he already knew but felt like he was seeing them for the first time.

Carmen was right – a lot of people touched Matty and he touched them back in ways that could be seen as dirty-bad-wrong – but they didn't actually mean anything. Like when Johnny played airplane with him – he put his hands between his legs, right? Or when Miguel held him upside down – that would put Matty's face right in front of his crotch. Or when they were at the pool and Johnny pulled Matty's shorts up before adjusting his flippers. Or when he jumped on Sam like that, pushing his face in her breasts before Johnny yanked him off and threatened to spank him if he did that again. Or when Sam did spank him when he did it again – playfully patting him over the shorts and sending him running. Or when Mr. LaRusso picked him up and put him on his knee, bouncing him up and down. No one had a problem when the kid played too hard – when shirt slid up or his shorts slid down. They all just adjusted his clothes and sent him off to play some more.

Even during dinner when he just wouldn't sit still. Going from person to person and taking bites off their plates. No one minded – except Anthony who just put a hand in his face to push him away and redirect him to Sam.

But that had to be different. Matty was too young. It'd be different when he was older. Except…

There were touches everywhere. Touches that could be construed as sexual but signified nothing more than platonic intimacy. Like when Mr. LaRusso put his hand on the small of Sam's back before kissing her cheek. Or when Johnny finally got tired of Anthony's attitude and physically threw him into the pool. Or when Mr. LaRusso had Miguel in that headlock, ruffling his hair. Or when Johnny put a hand on Amanda's shoulder, taking the heavy dish from her. Or when Mr. LaRusso and Carmen ran into each-other because they weren't looking where they were going.

And it wasn't just them – Robby realized that it had been happening to him all along too. Like when Sam kissed his cheek, accidentally brushing her breast against his arm. Or when Johnny put an arm around his neck. Or when Mr. LaRusso put his hands on him – on his shoulder, his back, his chest – none of that had ever felt wrong.

Because it wasn't wrong. It was something beautiful and intimate you shared with the ones you loved. There was nothing wrong with wanting it. With having in. There was nothing wrong with wanting approval – like when Miguel tried the two-legged kick and failed. There was nothing wrong with curiosity – like when Matty tried to peek under Amanda's skirt before Carmen pulled him away. There wasn't even anything wrong with having a little crush – like when Antony couldn't stop staring at Shannon's chest. There was nothing wrong with any of that.

Then why had it all gone so wrong for him?

"Hey, you okay?" Miguel whispered to him during dinner. "You look a little pale."

Robby smiled and nodded. He'd known all this already, heard it a thousand times from Justine. Then why did it feel so new? Why did it feel like he was on the verge of something? That he was about to figure something out if only he could put his finger on it.

People were looking at him, he realized. Noticing his silence, his pallor. He was getting concerned looks and he couldn't… couldn't figure it out under their worried gazes.

"Uh… I have to use the restroom." He got up and excused himself from the table.

He wasn't fooling anybody and he knew that. But he didn't care. He went to the pool-house – his former bedroom that Mr. LaRusso had kept just as it was in case he ever felt like coming back. He paced the floor, breathing hard, trying to figure it out.

I did nothing wrong. He had heard it a thousand times already and he'd known it to be true in his head, but this was the first time he felt like it was. I didn't do anything wrong. The things I wanted – they weren't wrong. They were natural and good and they made it into something bad. Something ugly. They made ME into something ugly.

Why are you getting so worked up about it? It happened ages ago.

No. It's still happening to me. It's happening to me all the time.

The fear of Miguel leaving him. The fear of people rejecting him. The way he acted with Matty. The nightmares. The feeling of depression. It all was still happening and it was happening because of them. He didn't do anything – it happened to him. They did this to him. And he didn't deserve it.

Robby could feel the lump rising in his throat, clawing to get out. They did it. Not me, them. He could hear the ringing in his ears. They took things from me. One by one, little by little they took everything. His trust in himself, his self-esteem, his sense of worth, his dignity. They took it all and left me broken and bleeding. Somehow he'd clawed something back – but if it hadn't been for Mr. LaRusso and Miguel and Johnny – and it wasn't enough. He could feel is eyes stinging. It wasn't right. It wasn't fair. I didn't deserve this. Didn't deserve to be used that way, to feel that way, to be that way. I couldn't control it – I didn't know how. I couldn't… shouldn't have known how. But they should have. And they knew and they did it anyway. I clawed my way back but it's not good enough. It doesn't make the pain go away. It doesn't erase how I felt all this time…

The ringing in his ears was unbearably loud now. The blood rushing to his head was making everything swim around him. His vision got blurry and he could feel a wetness on his cheeks. Am I crying? His chest hurt like someone was sitting on and the pain wouldn't go away no matter how hard he clutched at it. Someone screamed. Me?... His legs trembled and gave out and he fell to his knees, somehow supporting himself on his hands. The breaths were coming short and fast now…Can't breathe… Can't breathe… His vision was growing darker, the encroaching darkness covering it all, making the world fade away. I'm dying… I'm dying like this… I'm dying…

"Breathe. Just breathe." A strong, soothing voice through the ringing. "That's it. Deep breaths. Focus on my voice. Deep slow breaths." A hand was on his back, rubbing softly. "Deep breaths. Inhale. Exhale." He decided to follow the voice. "Good. Inhale. Exhale."

The world cleared around him. It came into focus as a tear fell off his eyelash and onto the wooden floor. Johnny was beside him, one hand under his chest, holding him up and the other on his back rubbing in circles. Miguel was on the other side, his hand hovering over Robby's, too afraid to make contact. The ringing was receding and he could hear people murmur behind him.

"Just a panic attack. Nothing to worry about." He heard Mr. LaRusso say. "C'mon, give him some room. C'mon, out now." He could hear the shuffling, people leaving and then the scratch of the door sliding close. Then Mr. LaRusso walked into his line of sight. "You'll be okay. Just keep breathing."

Breathing. Yes. He'd almost forgotten how. But he remembered now. And he remembered what he'd figured out before his panic attack. He felt numb and also… relieved?

"It wasn't fair, what they did to me." Robby said quietly. "I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't deserve it. And they did it to me anyway."

They stared at him, blinking, not understanding yet.

"I was just a kid." Robby went on. "I wasn't supposed to know this shit. It wasn't my fault. They did this to me. They shouldn't have… someone should've stopped them. Protected me. I deserved that, right? Why didn't anyone do that?"

The hand on his chest wrapped around him, pulling him to Johnny. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He whispered stroking Robby's hair.

Robby barely registered that. "They all came and took something away. All of them. But especially Roger."

"Roger?" Miguel asked softly, still not up to speed.

Right, he doesn't know. Because I never told him. Why did I never tell him? There was no reason to be afraid.

"The guy who did stuff with – to me." Robby said flatly. "One of my mom's boyfriends."

His eyes widened as understanding came and he sat back bonelessly on his heels. "No…"

"They… he…" Robby's face twisted as if in pain. "He raped me." The word came out easy now. "They raped me. And not just once. Again and again."

He saw Mr. LaRusso nod and him and Johnny grip him tighter. He was feeling clearer now. Calmer. He felt a prickle in his chest. And it grew and grew until it felt like he was burning inside.

"They can't get away with it." He said, stronger now. "I can't let them get away with it. I want… I need to make them pay. Make him pay."

"We will." Mr. LaRusso agreed and so did Johnny with a nod.

He knew what he had to do. It wasn't going to be easy – in fact, he knew it'd be hell having to relive it over and over again. But he had to do this to get through it.

"I think I'm ready to go to the cops now." No – still too emotional. Too raw. "Not right away, but in a day or two. After I'm feeling a bit clearer."

"Take as much time as you need." Mr. LaRusso said.

"A-and, Roger has pictures. Of me. That'll prove what I'm saying. I'm sure he kept them. If they can find them before he deletes them…" Then he remembered something else. Something he hadn't thought about in years. "Miguel, you still have those pictures right? From locker-room? You said you were saving them for this day."

Miguel was sitting up again, nodding with his jaw set.

"Good. I think I'm ready to use them too. Th-that's good enough for now."

They were all quiet, not really knowing what to say. They didn't have to say anything, Robby knew they had his back. But there was more to be done. More to be handled.

"I can't go back out there. Not right now." Still too raw. "And they'll want to know what happened and I-I can't tell them. They should know, but I can't…" This is what they did – they didn't just hurt you, they also hurt those who love you. You know it'll hurt them and that's why you can't tell them.

"Robby, we'll handle it however you like." Mr. LaRusso reassured him.

"Could you tell them for me? Please." He looked at him and then at Johnny. "I don't want them to see me or treat me differently and I don't think I can tell them. I'm not afraid of them knowing… but I can't…"

"We'll handle it." Johnny said in his hair. "Don't worry about a thing, okay?"

Robby was relieved. But no – there was something else. Something more… He turned to Johnny.

"Could you also handle it right with mom? Tell her it wasn't her fault? I know she'll blame herself, but she has been doing so well. I don't want this to ruin things for her. Not…" Not again, he almost said. But he hadn't ruined things. They had.

"I'll figure it out." Johnny promised.

Okay. That was it. That was everything. He'd figure out the rest tomorrow. Right now, he just… "I think I want to be alone right now. Just to collect myself."

They all nodded and got up to leave, Johnny giving his shoulder one last rub. Okay, just to be alone for a bit. Gather his thoughts and…

No – there was something else. Something he needed to do.

"Miguel. Can you stay?" Miguel stopped and stood there.

"We'll get you guys something to eat later." Johnny said weakly. "Save you some pie, right?"

They were gone and Robby was left alone in the room with Miguel, like they'd been before a hundred times. He stood up shakily. He needed to do this, to be the one to tell Miguel everything. He owed him that. No, it was about more than that. He owed it to himself. He needed to know that he could expose himself completely and that he could trust Miguel completely. He needed that for himself. How to start?

"You don't have to rush it. We can do it anyway you want." Miguel said. Somehow, he knew what this was about.

Right. Comfort. Safety. Closeness. He needed to feel all that. "I need to be like we are at home." Robby said. "No barriers."

Miguel understood. He took off his shirt calmly, eyes never leaving Robby's face. He toed off his shoes like that as well, never looking down. One by one, articles of clothing fell to the floor until Miguel was standing before him, naked. Robby never looked down. He didn't need to.

Then he put his hands on Robby's shirt, undoing the buttons and pulling it off his arms. He did the belt next, letting his slacks slide down his legs. He knelt down to pull off his underwear, eyes still locked with his. Robby let his boyfriend strip him naked, expose him, have him completely vulnerable.

Miguel stood back up and put his hands around Robby's waist, pulling him close. Robby could feel them touching, their soft parts against each-other. There would be no sex here today, Robby knew that even as Miguel kissed him twice on the lips. This was about intimacy. Trust. And he could trust Miguel.

Miguel sat back on the bed and pulled him down, Robby slotted between his legs, his back to Miguel's chest. He pulled the covers over them to hide them from the world and wrapped his arms protectively around him. Robby leaned back into the warmth of his embrace and felt his lips on his neck. Safe. Finally. He has been waiting. Letting me take my time. Patiently waiting. And I feel safe now. It's time.

"Guess I should start at the beginning." Robby took a deep breath. "Brent was the first, I guess. He was actually pretty nice. Not like the others….

The End.