THE WAY I AM

Cause I love you more than I could ever promise
And you take me the way I am

The Way I Am - Ingrid Michaelson

At first, Kate thinks she's going crazy. She doesn't remember putting the small glass cactus on her bookshelf; on second thought, doesn't remember even owning it in the first place. But she likes it, keeps it anyway. It's small and cute, and every time it catches her eye she smiles, even if it's been a bad day.

When she moves into her new apartment, she puts it on top of her treasure box, so that every time she goes to the container with her boxed up memories of her mom, she has a reason to smile.

A few months later, after an undercover kiss that had her reeling and a case that hit too close to home, she notices that the cactus now has a sombrero, and she swipes at the tears on her cheeks and picks it up. "Now, what are you doing here?" she wonders out loud.

Maybe Josh brought it, although it doesn't seem like something he'd do. He's not one for small trinkets, things that collect dust; his style is much more minimalistic than hers. It could be any of the others who have come over lately, but her dad seems the most likely suspect. He used to travel for work when she was little, and he'd always bring her home souvenirs. And she'd told him about the rough time she's been having lately, the old wounds being opened from the resurrection of her mom's murder.

She decides not to say anything to him. He's not mentioning it to her, so she'll keep silent too, and gives the sombrero-wearing cactus a little pat whenever she passes him.

She's cleaning a few weeks later when she finds the small wooden guitar, leaning against a small piece of pottery that she's had for ages. She runs her finger over the guitar, its painted strings, and feels the corners of her mouth lift. Her dad's at it aga-

Wait.

She frowns. Her dad hasn't been over in at least a month, and she's definitely cleaned this part of her bookshelf since then. In fact, except Josh, the only people who have been over have been Lanie and Castle. But it wasn't Lanie who had stopped by a few days prior while she was practicing, wasn't Lanie whose eyes had lit up when they'd spotted her guitar.

It was Castle. Castle who had asked with barely concealed glee if she played, who had bounced on his toes when she'd agreed to play something for him.

Her eyes flick to the cactus, her mind searching for a memory. She'd first seen the cactus just a few days after she'd come face to face with her mother's killer and had put several bullets in him to save Castle's life. When had Castle come over? He didn't visit often – they were friends by then, although not "have movie nights every other week" friends – but she was sure that he'd had ample opportunity to place the trinkets where she'd find them later.

"Thanks for coming over," Kate says to Lanie a few days after finding the guitar, handing her best friend a very full glass of wine. "Even though it's Valentine's Day."

Lanie clinks her glass against Kate's, takes a long drink. "You mean Galentine's Day," she retorts. "My date was called into work, but I probably would have cancelled anyway. He's cute, and great in the sack, but boring."

Kate snorts.

"Speaking of cute," Lanie continues, standing and moving towards the bookcase, "this guy is adorable. Where'd you get it?" She holds up the cactus.

Kate startles, coughs as she swallows her wine wrong. "It's a-" she begins, but has to pause to clear her throat. "Sorry. It's a funny story, actually. I didn't get it."

Lanie raises a brow. "You didn't?" she repeats, rejoining her on the couch, cactus in hand. "Who gave it to you?"

"It just appeared one day. Well, I noticed it one day," she clarifies. "First the cactus, then the sombrero it's wearing, and then a few days ago, that guitar over there." She points at the shelf once again.

"They're not from Josh?"

"Nope. I'm pretty sure they're from Castle."

Lanie cocks an eyebrow. "Say what?"

"Yeah." Kate explains her reasoning, her process of elimination. It doesn't escape her notice that Lanie is grinning before she's done, and when her friend remains silent, Kate crosses her arms. "What's that look for?"

"Girl, he likes you."

"Well, we're friends."

"No-no-no-no. He likes you," Lanie repeats, her emphasis clear. "He obviously doesn't want to step on your relationship with Josh, but he wants to do nice things. He likes you."

Kate rolls her eyes, but she can't ignore the feeling in the pit of her stomach that Lanie might be right. Over time, Castle has stopped blatantly trying to get her in bed, but the way he gazes at her when he thinks she doesn't notice is obvious.

"You have a decision to make, Kate," Lanie continues. "Between Castle-"

"And Josh," Kate finishes on a sigh. "I know."

Kate falls into a routine over the weeks that follow her conversation with Lanie. She does follow her friend's advice and ends her relationship with Josh, but she becomes so preoccupied with her renewed investigation into her mom's case that she doesn't pursue anything with Castle.

Until one day, in late spring, after Hal Lockwood escapes prison and her captain sacrifices himself to give her a second chance.

Castle has to carry her out of the airplane hangar that night. And despite it all - her grief over losing her mentor, her captain, and her only lead - through the haze of the next week, she sees just how loyal Castle is.

He hardly leaves her side, spends every day and most evenings with her. When she wakes up in a hospital bed two days after Roy's funeral, he's there, fatigue lining his face, stubble on his jaw.

A nurse tells her that he left only to make a phone call, that he's been at her bedside since she was wheeled in after her surgery.

"It's good to see you, Kate," he admits to her a few hours after she wakes, after he's gone home and changed. "It was rough for a bit."

Kate shifts, the pillow at her back uncomfortable, smiles her thanks when he helps adjust it. "I heard. What happened?"

"You don't-" Castle clears his throat. "What do you remember?"

Kate shrugs. "Talking at the funeral. I looked over at you, then nothing. It's blank."

It's a lie, of course, but he doesn't need to know. She needs to heal first. Her body. Her mind. The sniper bullet had entered her chest, missing her heart by mere millimeters. She was extremely lucky to be alive.

She'd made up her mind already, though. She needs her body to heal before she can deal with her mind and emotions. Before she can think about what Castle had uttered when she was lying in his arms.

He loves her.

She just hopes she can love him back the way he deserves.

The shrill ring of her cell phone jars her awake, has her reaching for her gun even as she squints at the screen. She relaxes at the goofy picture of Castle that she'd set for his contact info, and answers.

"Hey, Castle," she greets him, her lips lifting despite the late hour.

"I woke you up, dammit. I'm sorry." His apology comes fast and hushed, and he curses under his breath, offers to call back at a more reasonable hour.

Kate shakes her head, forgetting for a split second that he can't see her, and manages to pull herself into a sitting position. "Don't you dare," she argues before he hangs up. "I haven't been sleeping much anyway. You're a welcome distraction."

"If you're sure."

"Castle." She stops him, her voice soft as she settles back against her pillows. "I'm sure. How are you?"

"Very tired." He chuckles. Kate hears rustling through the phone, and she wonders if he's lying in bed too, if he reached for his phone upon waking as she often did. What made him take the step and call her, something she'd been unable to do.

She's torn from her thoughts by the sound of her name, Castle's voice sounding concerned. "Sorry, I spaced out," she admitted. "Did you say something?"

"Yeah, I asked how you're feeling," Castle says slowly. "You sure you're okay to talk right now? I'll tell you what, I'll let you go, get some more rest, call me later in the morning."

"Rick. You're not sleeping, I'm not sleeping. We may as well not sleep together." Her cheeks flush when she realizes what she said, and Castle barks out a laugh. "You know what I mean."

They talk for more than an hour about everything and nothing, and when they finally say goodbye, the sun is beginning to ascend above the horizon. Kate smiles as she pulls the blanket over her body. Her last thought before falling back to sleep is of Castle, and how much she's missed him in the three weeks she's been at her dad's cabin. She'd needed this retreat from the city, but maybe cutting her friends off - especially Castle - had been a mistake.

Kate lets out a shaky breath as she knocks on Castle's door two weeks later, a Remy's bag in hand. Why she's suddenly nervous, she's not sure; they've talked almost every day since their middle-of-the-night call, spending hours on the phone and frequently texting. But she hadn't told him that she's back, and while a part of her is afraid that he may have company or is otherwise indisposed, she's relatively confident that he's not. He is home, at least; Ernesto at the front desk had confirmed that.

All of her nerves and worry disappear when Castle swings open the door and breaks into a grin. "Hey, Castle," she says with a smile, somehow managing to keep her voice steady.

"Beckett! You're back!" Castle steps aside to let her in, keeps his eyes on her as he shuts the door. "When did you come home?"

"Yesterday."

He eyes the bags in her hand after hanging up her coat. "Remy's?"

She slides onto a stool at his counter and begins emptying the bags of their contents. "Two double cheeseburgers, extra cheese and bacon on yours, large fries to share, chocolate milkshake for you, strawberry for me."

Castle grabs two plates from the cupboard. "Oh my God, you sure know your way to a guy's heart."

"You sound like you haven't had them in ages," she teases, nudging him with her elbow when he sits down. "What, were you waiting for me to come back?"

"Yep."

Kate pauses with her burger halfway to her mouth. His reply surprises her; they'd both been fans of the diner before meeting, so she'd assumed that he'd gone there without her on occasion.

"I went once, shortly after you were - after you left," he explains, dipping a fry in ketchup. "It wasn't the same without you." He glances at her, at the burger still suspended in mid-air, and wipes the corner of his mouth. "Do I have something on my face?"

Before she realizes what she's doing her mouth is on his, her burger falling to the plate as she presses her hand against his jaw. His stubble is rough against her palm, but she doesn't mind, has always found a little scruff sexy, imagines how it would feel against the sensitive skin between her-

Shit.

Her brain catches up and she pulls back with a start, gasping as she brings her fingers to her lips.

Castle looks as surprised as she feels, his brows raised even as his eyes search hers. What he's looking for she doesn't know, can only guess, and - oh God, what if she's ruined this, ruined them? It's too soon, she's not ready for a relationship, certainly not for anything physical - literally, according to her cardiologist.

The offending muscle pounds against her chest, and she's sure it's about to burst through, Alien-style, when she reminds herself to breathe.

Inhale, exhale.

"You okay?"

Castle's concerned voice breaks through her jumbled thoughts, and she blinks, brings him back into focus.

"No," she says, pushing her chair back, intent on making her exit. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-"

Castle grabs her arm as she passes him. "Where are you going?"

"Home. God, what is wrong with me? Why did I do that? Just forget it, forget that I kissed you, forget that I even came here." She's rambling, but despite her best efforts she can't stop herself, can't stop the words from coming out or the flush from creeping onto her cheeks.

She tugs her arm free and, ignoring his repeated call of her name, grabs her coat and flees.

She should have known he would follow her.

He catches up as she's leaving the building, thwarting any hope of her attempt to retain a little dignity with a loud call of her name. It's a small victory that only a couple people turn their heads, God bless New York, and she sighs as she turns to face him.

She does a double-take at his feet. "Where are your shoes?"

Castle follows her gaze down to his socks, then shrugs. "I had to catch you," he says in a matter-of-fact tone. "Why'd you run?"

Kate shuffles her own shoe-clad feet, refuses to make eye contact. "Well, I kissed you."

"And? Was it that bad?" His brow lifts. "I know I didn't respond, but you took me by surprise, and you were gone by the time I realized what was happening." He continues before she can reply. "That doesn't mean it was a mistake, Kate. It just means that I wasn't planning for our first kiss to happen like that."

"Well, you didn't even know I was coming over, so - wait," Kate interrupts herself. "Have you been planning our first kiss?"

"Technically our second, but our first real one, yeah," Castle admits, his ears turning pink. He pauses but Kate has a feeling he has more to say, so she stays silent. "Look, can we go back up? I feel weird having this conversation here. In socks. Plus, our food is getting cold."

She wakes with a start, head pounding, cheeks wet with tears. She swipes at her cheeks and takes a few deep breaths, trying to clear the images from her mind, the nightmare she'd emerged from. When her eyes begin to focus on the room around her she jumps out of bed, reaches for the gun that isn't there. It isn't until she sees the pictures on the wall, the familiar duvet, that the previous evening comes back to her.

Picking up Remy's. Surprising Castle.

Kissing him.

Oh, God.

They'd talked for several hours, a conversation that culminated in her admitting that she'd heard his declaration of love when she'd been shot. At first he'd been upset that she'd lied, but when she explained why - her wall, her need to focus on healing - he said he understood. She wants to be with him. She can't imagine being with anyone else, can't imagine him being with anyone else.

He agreed to wait. As long as they both know there's an endgame, he'll wait.

Kate smiles at the memory of the tender kiss they'd shared when they'd parted, him for his bedroom and her for the spare room upstairs. He'd insisted she stay, and as she recognizes the smell of fresh coffee and breakfast, she's glad she did.

She considers jumping in the shower, but the smell of food is too tempting, so she simply pulls her hair back and heads downstairs. When she turns the corner to go towards the kitchen she pauses, her hand covering a smile.

Castle must have been up for some time; it appears that he's used every pot and pan that he owns. There's flour on the floor, even in his hair, sink piled high with dishes.

"Everything okay down here?"

Castle jumps when she speaks, turning towards her, lips turned up in a sheepish grin. "Just a flour accident, that's all." He grabs a mug from the cupboard. "Coffee, I assume?"

"Of course."

"Coming right up. Have a seat."

They're both silent for the short time it takes Castle to make her coffee, using his espresso machine. Kate watches him make it; she's watched many times in the precinct, marvels at how effortless he makes it look, how smooth his hands move. She lets her mind wander to what else his hands may be capable of doing, but manages to pull her thoughts back to the present when the mug is set in front of her.

"Did you sleep well?" Castle asks, leaning against the counter. "I got new sheets for that bed, I hope they're okay."

Kate closes her eyes in bliss when she takes her sip. God, she's missed his coffee. No matter how she makes it, it's not the same. It never tastes like his. "I didn't sleep, not really," she answers after a long moment. "Not because of the sheets, they were amazing. Just…" She pauses, unsure how much she wants to tell him. He'll worry about her. But they'd agreed to be completely open and honest with each other. "I just don't sleep well in general."

Castle's brows furrow. "Because of pain?"

"No. Nightmares." She sighs. "I've been having them since the funeral. The hangar really." Her gaze lands on the far wall, unfocused, as she thinks again about the images that had kept her awake, the all-too-real memories that haunt her.

"Jesus." Castle covers her hand with his and squeezes. "You never told me. Anything I can do?"

Kate turns her hand so she can curl her fingers around his. "No, but thank you. I'm due to start therapy next week. I have to, to go back to work at the end of the summer, but I want to anyway."

"Good."

They're quiet for several seconds until there's a pungent smell of burnt pork and Castle jumps.

"The bacon! Shit!" He dumps the charred meat into the trash. "Dammit, I wanted this to be special, like a welcome home breakfast. Bacon, pancakes, the works. But I dropped the flour, and that was all the meat."

"That's okay," Kate insists. "I don't need anything fancy. Seriously. Coffee and cereal would do."

Castle grabs a dish towel and wipes the counter. "No, that won't do. Get dressed, I'm taking you out." He drapes the towel over his shoulder and points at Kate, who is trying desperately not to laugh at how much he looks like a frustrated mom.

"I'm sorry," she finally giggles, "you're quite a picture. Are you going to get the flour out of your hair first?"

She's canvassing during a case when she spots something in a souvenir shop window that makes her smile. It only takes a few minutes to drop in and buy it, and she tucks it in her pocket, ignores the questioning look that she gets from Ryan.

She doesn't care that it looks silly, taking time from a case to buy a small glass coffee mug. The only person whose opinion she cares about will, with any luck, be just as pleased to find it as she'd been to find her own trinkets.

It's been just a month since Kate returned to work, and despite her close encounter with a panic attack in her first case, every day is easier. Especially when Castle is at her side. Her therapy is working; Dr. Burke had seemed pleased, and not even a little surprised, when she'd shown up for a non-mandated appointment. But his guidance had led to her realizing that she didn't need to tear down the wall around her heart by herself. So, she and Castle had begun officially dating; nothing too big, mostly just spending more time together outside of the precinct. And more and more, she's beginning to like the idea of a future with him.

When she's with him she doesn't want to be anywhere else, and when they're not together, she wants to be. She just hasn't been able to bring herself to tell him that. He loves her, she's known that for months. And she knows without a doubt that she loves him too.

If Lanie was right, and Castle had left the little trinkets as a sign of his love, then she'd do the same thing.

She's going over for dinner when he returns from the west coast leg of his book tour, and she'll be sure to stash the glass mug. She just has to figure out the best place for it.

"Waddya doing?"

Kate spins around at the sound of her boyfriend's - still weird to call him that - voice, her thankfully empty scotch tumbler falling to the floor. "Jeez, Castle, give a girl some warning," she chastises once she catches her breath, lightly nudges his shoulder after he retrieves the glass.

Castle brushes a kiss to her cheek, barely a touch of his lips against her skin. "Even if that girl is sneaking around?" he teases, a sparkle in his eye betraying his serious tone. "You've been weird all night, Kate. I've noticed. Looking around everywhere, barely paying attention. What's going on?"

"Nothing. I promise," Kate insists when he lifts a brow. "My mind is just wandering, I guess."

"Mm-hmm." Castle steps closer, crowding her to the bookshelf, and Kate's breath quickens as he leans in, closer, one arm reaching behind her-

Only for him to take a step back, smirk on his lips and small glass mug in his hand. "Lemme guess: you've been scoping out a place for this?"

"Um-"

"Somewhere clever. Not completely hidden where I'd never find it, but not too obvious. Like a shelf that gets walked by a lot but rarely used." He grins. "Like the bookshelf in your living room."

"I knew it was you!" Kate shoves him in the shoulder, but can't contain a grin. "Lanie figured it was your way of saying you liked me without actually saying it."

"Lanie's smart. You should listen to her more often." Castle looks at the cup more closely. "This one is awesome, Kate. I've been looking for something like this for ages. Where'd you find it?"

Kate moves closer so she can wrap her arms around his waist. "A tourist trap off of Times Square." She lifts herself to her bare toes, meeting his mouth with hers, a soft kiss that has her heart fluttering. "Why'd you stop getting them? The last one I found was the guitar."

Castle shrugs. "Well, shortly after that one it all went to hell; you were shot, left town, and it just didn't seem right. Now, I don't need to get you little trinkets." He kisses her, longer and harder, his hands bracketing her waist. When they part he drops his forehead to hers and sighs. "Now I can tell you to your face that I love you."

Kate loops her arms around his neck and pulls him into a hug, burying her face in his shoulder. "I love them, Rick," she murmurs into his shirt. "And you know what else?" She lifts her head and looks into his eyes. "I love you too."

One Year Later...

Kate shivers as she opens the door to the roof, and pulls her coat tight around herself. She'd come home to an empty apartment and a note from her boyfriend instructing her to meet him outside, despite the temperature staying below freezing all day. The last thing she wants is to spend her birthday outside more than she already has, especially five stories up. She just wants to curl up on the couch with a hot drink and Castle, in her most comfortable sweats. Instead she's still freezing her ass off, she can't feel her cheeks, and she could throttle him for-

Oh.

Her annoyance disappears when she sees the corner of the roof that they'd claimed months ago. Castle has added a small fire pit between the lounge chairs, and he's strung white Christmas lights from the empty planters. With the twinkling lights of the city beyond, it's gorgeous.

Okay, she can't be too mad at him.

Castle turns as she approaches, and he greets her with a smile and a thermos. "Welcome home, birthday girl," he says in a low voice, punctuating it with a kiss.

Kate hums and leans into him, slips her arms under his coat and locks her fingers at his back. His nose is cold as it bumps hers, but she smiles against his mouth and tilts her head for another kiss. "Thanks," she breathes when they part. "What's all this?" she gestures with her head, unwilling to part from his warmth for even a second.

Castle holds up the thermos which, upon her first sip, Kate discovers is full of her favorite hot cocoa. "Just something special for a special lady." He shivers when there's a gust of wind. "I didn't realize it would be this cold though. We can go inside."

Kate shakes her head even as she takes a long drink from the thermos. "No, not yet. It's not so bad when I'm with you."

Castle grins. "Good. We won't be up here too long, anyway. I will need to feed you at some point." He leads her to one of the chairs, pulls her onto his lap when he sits. "You probably haven't eaten since breakfast."

"In my defense," Kate argues, setting the thermos down before looping her arms around his neck, "it was a very big breakfast." She chuckles at the smirk Castle gives her. "Yes, a big that, too," she teases.

Castle chuckles, a low rumble in his chest that warms Kate immediately. "We'll have a big dinner, too," he promises.

Kate smuggles deeper into his embrace, and it seems like hours pass before Castle nudges her.

"You didn't fall asleep, did you?"

Kate blinks several times to bring the world back into focus. "Of course not." She'd been close, though.

"Good. I want to give you something before we go inside." He reaches under the seat and pulls out a gift bag, hands it to her with a smile. "For you."

"You didn't have to-"

"Yeah right."

Kate moves to the other chair so she can see Castle better, glancing at him when she uncovers a small, very familiar, square box. "Did you get me another-oh." She gasps when she opens the box and finds, not another trinket as expected, but an elegant diamond ring, sparkling in the lights. She manages to tear her gaze from the jewelry only to find Castle in front of her, kneeling. "Rick-"

"I had a little speech prepared," he starts, his voice cracking with emotion. He clears it before continuing. "But I think we both want to go inside. If you want, I'll give it later." He pauses and takes her hands in his. "If you'll say yes? Kate, will you marry me?"

Kate lunges at him, their mouths colliding in a searing kiss that has them both panting when they emerge. She cups his face in her hands, grins and kisses him again.

"Is that a yes?" Castle asks when she pulls away, breathless.

She chuckles, drops her forehead to his. "Yes, Rick. That's a yes."

-FIN-

Author's Note: This fic was inspired by this tweet: / Castle_is_Life/status/1206222729545998336?s=20