A/N: Hello, everyone! This is my idea of how Amanda told Liv about Patton in 'Forgiving Rollins'. It always bothered me how we never knew how Liv found out, so I took the liberty of putting my own ideas into writing.

I hope you like it. Happy reading!

Chapter 1

The truth never hurts the teller.

Whoever said that did not have a fucking clue what they were talking about.

That is the only thing I know for sure right now. This truth hurts more than anyone could ever imagine.

The thoughts in my head are making it impossible for me to make sense of the situation I am currently finding myself in.

An hour ago, my life was uncomplicated. I had a job I absolutely loved. I was working beside cops with the same passion for justice as myself, and I was helping people every single day. For the first time in three years I was making friends. Sure, my gambling addiction had seen better days and I was still in denial about the profound toxicity that was my little sister. But at the end of the day I had a genuinely good thing going in New York City.

And now… Now my entire world has come crashing down all around me, not giving me the slightest chance to prepare for the missile attack that took place in my Sergeant's office only less than forty-five minutes ago. But maybe it was naïve of me to believe that my past would stay right where it actually belonged — in the past. Maybe I should have known the truth would inevitably arise and show its ugly face when I least expected it. Because everyone knows that Charles Patton is not to be messed with today or any other day — I learned that lesson a very long time ago.

"Amanda… You know I don't take no for an answer."

My hands shake as I walk through the double doors of the 1-6. My head feels heavy and I can't seem to focus on my surroundings. The place I have come to know as my second home all of a sudden seems foreign to me as the movement of my feet come to an abrupt halt in the middle of the room. I listen to the phones' non-stop ringing. I hear the chatter of various police radios. I see case files being passed around throughout the squad room. And when I look around at the people I recognize as my chosen family, I become acutely aware of everyone's curious — even worried — eyes on me.

Before I know it, my pulse begins to speed up and my heart works overtime in my chest. Standing here after everything that has gone down today suddenly seems like the biggest mistake of my life — well, the second biggest mistake of my life — and I instantly regret my decision to come back to the precinct.

Without a second thought I turn on my heel so fast my head becomes dizzy, causing me to lose my balance for a second. But before anyone can take notice of the breach in my armor I steady myself, and I am about to continue my route to the exit when I feel a pair of rough hands taking ahold of my shoulders. I stop dead in my tracks and stiffen for a moment until I find myself looking right into my partner's dark, sympathetic eyes.

"Come on, 'Manda. It's okay. You know you need to," he says in the kindest way I have ever heard him talk.

"I don't know if I can, Fin." My eyes are desperate as I look at him. "What if she doesn't believe me. I don't know if I could take that," I tell him seriously.

After our talk at the bar Fin had convinced me to tell Olivia about Patton. But the mere thought of the conversation I am about to have with my boss makes my head hurt, crippling anxiety slowly filling my body.

"Baby girl, don't be stupid," he says with a slight smile. It almost makes me laugh. Almost. "Of course, she will believe you. Everyone will believe you," he says looking deep into my eyes.

I can tell he whole heartedly believes that. And I keep looking at him for a little while longer, not really knowing if now is the right time or place to shatter his idealistic view of the people we surround ourselves with on a daily basis.

Instead I turn my head in the direction of Olivia's office. "I wouldn't be so sure about that," I mutter in a whisper so quiet, he doesn't hear me.

Before I have a chance to stop it, memories from the last time I tried to confide in a superior attack my thoughts like a tidal wave. The look on Sam's face had made my skin crawl. I still remember exactly how his features changed from happy, even slightly flirtatious, to those of a stone, cold wall within a minute. Walking into his office I had felt like a little girl who had just been sent to the principal's office. The fear of telling him about the incident — the nauseating shame of even having to in the first place — had been too overwhelming. And the dark look in his eyes as I told him I needed an immediate transfer had been enough to make me want to crawl into a ball and disappear. It had been crystal clear that he thought I was overreacting, if not to blame for the whole thing.

"Are you sure you didn't just misinterpret his actions? I mean, you know how he is. It's all in good fun, right?"

And I did in fact know how he was. Even before I found myself trapped underneath his sweaty body. It was no secret within the department that the Deputy Chief always took a liking to the new and blonde detectives. The rumors of skirt chasing were endless. Everyone knew about his 'jokes' and wandering hands. And just like the Captain said: It was all in good fun.

Until it wasn't.

Until I was standing in his office. His back leaning relaxed against the wooden desk with his arms crossed in front of his chest, his lips turning into a lustful smirk.

Until I was lying helpless in a squeaking bed, trying desperately to keep my attention focused on the TV playing in the other room instead of the nightmarish scene that was playing out right in front of me.

Then it was no longer 'in good fun'.

Then my life was turned upside down in a split second, never to return to the way it was before.

Then I was damaged.

But then again who was I kidding, really? In all fairness, Sam's reaction had been nothing but predictable. It is a boys' club at the APD — always has been, always will be. Truth be told it had been a long shot even asking for a transfer. But lucky for me Sam owed me a few favors for spreading false rumors about the non-existing romantic relationship between him and I.

For five years, I have tried to bury any and every memory of my first — and what I thought to be my final — disclosure. But now I am standing in the exact same position, with the exact same secret, about to enter unexplored territory.

I guess history really does repeat itself.

Only this time, I have absolutely no idea what to expect.

I shift my attention back to my partner realizing he is expecting a response he can actually hear. "You're probably right, Fin," I tell him, shooting him an unconvincing smile. "Thank you, Fin. For everything. Really."

"Any time, partner. Any time," he replies in the sincerest of ways.

I smile at him as I resume the short trip to Olivia's office.

I hesitantly knock on the door to Liv's office.

Olivia lifts her head from the stack of papers that has taken residence on her desk and looks at me over the top of her glasses. "Amanda! Hey."

"Hey," I say quietly. I need the conversation to be on something else than me just a little longer. So, I blurt out: "Whatcha working on?"

"Oh, I'm just going over Patton's statement. Again. I'm…trying to make sense of this whole thing," she says rubbing her forehead. Of course, she is. Leave it to Olivia to not leave a stone unturned.

"You left in quite a hurry after the interview," she says quietly.

"Yeah, I know," I say as I look down, "I just– I needed to– I already said I am not good at hanging with the good old boys," I chuckle awkwardly.

"Hm," she tilts her head slightly. "You sure that's all?"

At that I turn my head to look at her. Her eyes are serious, yet kind — almost too kind — and I get the feeling she already knows. Of course, Olivia Benson fucking knows. Who am I kidding? Patton had left all the bread crumps she needed to put two and two together. And she isn't stupid. Not in the least. Olivia spots victims like cops spot donut shops.

I don't know how to respond to her question. Time stands still and I just look at her. When I don't say anything, she puts down the paper in her hand and takes off her glasses. "Amanda, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," I breathe. This was a mistake. I need to get out of here. But my feet won't move, all I can do is move my eyes away from my Sergeant's probing stare — my eyes moving frantically around the room. Deep down I know that I need to do this. As I take a deep breath I look at Olivia. My stomach turns, yet the empathy in her eyes gives me the push I need to once and for all get this venomous secret off my chest.

Just rip the Band-Aid off already, Rollins. "Actually… No, not really," I confess, my forehead scrunching up, and I pause for a second. "Um, I need to talk to you," I blurt out before I have the chance to shut down.

Olivia sits up straighter, her face resembling that of a worried mother — not that I have experienced a lot of those faces from my own as I was growing up.

I stand in the doorway, swaying awkwardly from side to side, not knowing how to continue from here. I feel her eyes searching mine but I can't look at her right now. If I do I won't be able to say what I so desperately need to say. That I know. That I am sure of. My mouth opens and closes several times before I just give up and look down at my feet instead.

Out of nowhere my vision starts to blur and through the wall of tears I register Olivia getting up from her chair and walk past her desk until she is standing right beside me. She closes the door and guides me further into the room. "Amanda, why don't we– why don't we take a seat on the couch for a minute, hm?"

A nod is the only way I can manage to respond to her question at the moment, my throat feels incredibly dry and the words seem stuck on my tongue.

She gently leads me to the couch and we sit down. "Just take your time, there's no rush," she pauses as she keeps her gaze stuck on me. "Whenever you are ready, Amanda."

"I don't really know where to start."

"That's okay." She puts a hand om my thigh, but she quickly removes it when I tense up. Great job, Mandy. Way to push everybody away. She doesn't seem offended though and she gives me a small, encouraging smile. "Just start from the beginning."

"Right," I breathe. "The beginning."

I close my eyes for a minute as I try to articulate what I am going to say next. Telling Liv can either turn out to be the best thing I have ever done, or it can end up going really, really wrong.

Either way I have kept this secret for longer than I ever should have.

"I need to– I need to tell you the real reason why I left Atlanta." For the first time since we sat down I cast my eyes upwards until I meet the familiar chocolate brown orbs. Her caring eyes are making it almost impossible for me not to open up to her. How does she do that?

Olivia always knows exactly how to get victims to talk. I just never thought the same would apply to me. But then again it would not be the first thing I have been wrong about today.

"I need you to know the truth, Olivia. The true truth."

She gives me a small nod and a concerned look, indicating that I have her full attention.

I take a deep breath. Here goes nothing.

A/N: So, that was the first chapter… Please let me know what you think!

I have not really decided how long this story will be, so I will be happy to hear any ideas or suggestions you guys might have – I'm also open to ideas for the storyline.

Anyways, thank you so much for reading, and take care of yourself and others during this time!