All Alone

Summary: What if when Spencer and Aaron dress up like Simon and Ethan to humiliate them in the cafeteria, Ms. Albright wasn't around to put a stop to it? Simon reaches his breaking point and fights back; however, he could never have anticipated the repercussions of standing up for himself.

~ Chapter 1: The Breakdown ~

"Do you have something you want to say to me?" Simon asked loudly. He didn't care that he was drawing attention to himself. After the day he'd had, he was used to the stares and whispers. Plus, after Spencer and Aaron's little performance, having everyone's attention was inevitable.

Normally, Simon would have just ignored them, but he felt an exceptionally strong urge to do something, anything that would distract him from the shitshow that was his life right now. He'd had an emotional morning and he felt like Leah, Nick, and Abby had broken up with him in a way. Things were still tense with his family since his dad's "who turned you?" joke. And the icing on the cake was his one constant, the one person he could always rely on and that he could share everything with, still wasn't answering his e-mails. Simon knew he was back, and he knew word must have reached him by now, so he could only assume that Blue was done with him. He would likely never know who his mysterious Blue was and would never get his love story.

After all of that, he simply did not have room to care. Simon would probably feel more angry if his numbness and emptiness weren't driving out every other feeling. Spencer pretended he couldn't hear Simon and when he repeated himself, Spencer jumped down off the table. "You got a problem?" He asked roughly. He got up in Simon's face which caused Simon to take a step back and bump into the edge of a table.

Simon glared at him and all the numbness built up in his chest. He felt like he was kind of angry, but mostly he was over it. Martin's post, and his friends abandoning him, and Blue… always Blue. Without thinking, Simon pushed Spencer hard. Spencer stumbled back a couple of steps and for a few moments, he just looked shocked.

Simon could pinpoint the exact moment that Spencer realized what he had done because everything started to move in slow motion. He could hear the collective "OH!" that always preceded a fight. It sounded long and drawn-out and strangely monotone.

He could feel his heart pounding in his ears. It drowned out the sounds of eager anticipation around him. He watched Spencer's face turn red and watched him bunch up his fists. He watched as Aaron climbed down off the table, whispered something to Spencer, and then turned to face Simon as well. When Spencer threw the first punch, everything seemed to speed up so that it was flying by in a blur. Simon felt like a dam broke in him the moment Spencer made impact. All the emotions he had been successfully repressing rose up and provided the fuel for him to fight back.

Simon didn't think. Despite being outnumbered and outmatched, he didn't back down. He felt like as soon as it started, it was over, but that couldn't be right. Because his knuckles were cracked and bleeding in a way they could only be if he had struck out multiple times. He also knew he had been punched and kicked several times, and his eye was squinting no matter how hard he tried to open it fully, but he didn't feel the pain of those injuries… yet.

It took him several moments to process what had stopped their fight… or more so, who. At first, Simon thought maybe it had been Nick or Abby or Leah, but he spotted them still sitting in the same seats they had been in when Simon had first entered the cafeteria. They were staring with their mouths agape and were not making any attempt to help him.

He glanced at the person that was currently pulling him away from Spencer and Aaron. He was shocked to see it was Bram. Quiet Bram who'd said a handful of words to him since they'd started high school. Quiet Bram who had unintentionally crushed Simon on Halloween by being not-so quiet and making out with a minion. Bram who must have gotten to the cafeteria just as the fight started. "Stop," Simon whispered.

Bram wasn't sure if it was the broken quality of Simon's voice or the fact that all of the fight left Simon's body, but he stopped walking and released the grip he had on Simon's arm.

Bram wasn't sure how Simon only landed the role of Company Member Number 8, because it turned out he was a really good actor. The moment that Bram let go, Simon's face lit up with pure fury and he charged back to where Aaron and Spencer were being held back by two large football players.

Bram did the only thing he could think of, which was to wrap his arms tightly around Simon and throw all of his weight into keeping him in place. Simon still fought against him, but he didn't have a chance. "Stop!" Bram warned. "They're not worth it! Just let it go."

"I can't!" Simon said. His voice was shaky and for the first time, Bram realized Simon was crying. It wasn't a full-blown sob, but he looked like he was working up to that, so Bram thought it was only a matter of time. He needed to get Simon out of the cafeteria and away from curious eyes.

"You have to. You can't give into them or they'll never stop. They'll keep coming after you for the reaction they know they'll get." This time Simon really gave up and slumped in Bram's arms. "Come on. Let's get you out of here." Bram shot Spencer and Aaron the nastiest look he had ever given someone and gently led Simon out into the hallway. The moment they turned down the small hallway near the cafeteria, Simon gave up. He collapsed backwards into Bram's chest. Bram carefully helped him to the ground and then crouched in front of him. Bram knew as he started to ask it, that it was a stupid question, but he didn't know what else to say. "Are you okay?"

Simon looked up at him, but his eyes looked like they weren't really seeing him. "No," he whispered before he started to cry in earnest. Simon had thought that he couldn't cry anymore because he had been numb all morning, but he had apparently lost the safety of the numbness when Spencer threw his first punch. He had been tearing up in the cafeteria, a mix between anger, fear, and the emotional turmoil he had been experiencing. But this? This was big ugly sobs and red splotches on his face and barely being able to breathe in between sobs. This was unlike anything Bram had ever experienced

"Do you want me to get Leah? Or Nick?" Bram asked. That was apparently the wrong thing to ask, because Simon shook his head as a particularly violent sob wracked through his body. Simon bent him knees, rested his arms his knees, and buried his face in between his arms. Bram stopped trying to say the right thing, he stopped trying to get Simon to stop crying. Instead, he sat down next to him, allowed his arm to rest against Simon's and waited. "I'm here when you're ready to talk."

After several minutes, Simon made a noise that almost sounded like he was choking. "Blue," he moaned.

Bram froze, terrified that Simon had somehow discovered who he was. After a moment, he realized that Simon hadn't and realized just how bad things must be for him if he had gotten to the point where he was literally sobbing in the middle of a hallway and calling out for his online penpal. Bram briefly wondered if that was because Blue was the person Simon most wanted in that moment. The thought terrified and flattered him all at the same time.

Bram's heart clenched in his chest. This would probably be the ideal moment to tell Simon who he was, but he couldn't do it. He felt for Simon, but if anything, seeing what just happened to him had pushed Bram so far back into the closet, he couldn't even see the doors to get out.

When the bell rang, Simon made no attempt to get up and go to class. Bram lingered protectively, shooting angry looks at anyone that so much as looked at Simon. If this weren't such a serious situation, Bram would have laughed at the nervous looks he got. He was in pretty good shape thanks to extensive soccer workouts and off-season practices. He liked to imagine that he came across as intimidating to anyone that was trying to see what was happening with Simon. He was grateful they had ducked down this particular hallway, because there were only two classrooms and a handful of lockers, which minimized the foot traffic.

He wasn't the kind of person to skip class, but Bram found himself staying by Simon's side. It seemed like hours had passed before Simon calmed enough to lift his head. In reality, it had been less than an hour.

Bram took one look at Simon's red-rimmed eyes, blotched face, and tear-streaked cheeks before he stood up. "Let's go," Bram said, extending his hand to Simon.

Simon eyed his hand like he thought it was going to sprout a mouth and bite him. "Where are we going?"

"Anywhere you want, but we're gonna get away from here."

Still, Simon hesitated. "Why are you helping me?"

Bram sighed. "Because I don't believe you deserve what happened in there and from what I just saw… well, you're clearly dealing with some stuff and I don't think going to class today is going to help."

"What about you? You could get in trouble."

Bram shook his head. "I'll tell them I wasn't feeling well. Now, come on. We should get out of here before the bell rings."

Simon nodded and tentatively reached for Bram's hand. Bram helped him to his feet and they quickly walked out of school with their heads held high, trying to look like they were supposed to be leaving. Bram didn't let out the breath he was holding until he and Simon were sitting in his car. Despite what he had said earlier, Bram was almost positive he was going to get in trouble for this, but he felt partially responsible for Simon's breakdown, so he felt it was the least he could do.

"Where to?" Bram asked once he started his car.

"I don't care," Simon said with a shrug.

"Do you want me to take you home?" Bram asked.

"No!" Simon practically shouted.

Bram stared at him shocked. He had known Simon said it didn't go well when he came out to his family, but that was almost two weeks ago. Even as he'd read that email, Bram assumed that everything had resolved with that. Clearly, he'd been wrong. "Right," Bram said. He closed his eyes, before he put his car into reverse.

"Where are we going?"

"My place." Bram gripped the steering wheel hard, wondering how he was going to get through this afternoon without Simon finding out who he was.

It ended up being easier than Bram anticipated. First, they had to clean Simon up. He had a small cut above his eyebrow and a wicked bruise on his cheek. Once Bram had gotten Simon some milk and Oreos, it was like a floodgate opened. Simon started talking about everything that had been happening with his friends, Martin blackmailing him, and how awkward things were with his family. Bram couldn't help but feel sorry for Simon. He knew he was only getting part of the story, and he couldn't imagine how much worse it was than what Simon was describing. He didn't think he would be faring that well if he were in Simon's shoes.

Bram was surprised that Simon didn't mention a word about Blue. Even now, Simon was trying to protect him and his secret.

When Bram had offered to drive Simon home, Simon's eyes had gotten wide and he looked terrified. His hand instinctively made its way to the bruise on his cheek. With how awkward things had been with his family, he didn't want to add to it by telling them he had practically gotten beaten up at school.

Bram cleared it with his mom and ordered Simon to text his parents, and only once he confirmed Simon would let his parents know where he was, he extended the offer for Simon to spend the night. Simon didn't hesitate. He actually said yes before Bram even got it all out.

Bram had never seen Simon sleep before. He was fidgeting and made quiet noises in his sleep, noises that were a weird mix between a whimper and a moan. Bram wouldn't be surprised if Simon was having nightmares after the day he'd had.

Bram could not sleep and after Simon had been asleep nearly an hour, he opened his laptop. He had typed up his response to Simon that morning, he just couldn't bring himself to send it right before school. Bram knew they couldn't continue emailing like nothing had happened, but he hadn't been ready to let his lifeline go. He looked at the words that could very well end up being Simon's breaking point.

He had fully intended to tell Simon that he couldn't do this anymore, but as his finger hovered over "send", he couldn't do it. What Simon needed more than anything in the world right now was a friend. Bram wanted so badly to be that friend. And he reasoned that there was no reason Simon had to know that Blue and Bram were the same person. Bram was not ready to be out, but that didn't mean he couldn't support Simon. And a part of Bram was looking for an out. He was looking for a reason to be a little reckless and continue talking to Simon.

He found himself deleting his message and typing a new one.

Simon,

I saw the post. I know who you are. Jacques a dit, right? Simon Says in French? Very clever.

I also heard about what happened in school today. I am so sorry. You didn't deserve for it to happen. You deserve to be out and proud without any of the assholes in this school making you feel like you are worthless. Appreciate this Simon, I called them assholes for you.

I hope you understand that my knowing who you are doesn't change things. I still am not ready to be out and after what I saw today, it might take a little while for me to gain the strength I need to face those guys. Once I am ready, you'll be the first to know. I'm sorry. I know it's not fair of me to ask you to wait.

I want to be here for you, because I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. I don't want you to go through it alone, but I also don't want to reveal who I am yet. I really hope you understand, because I don't want to disappear and I don't want to lose you either.

Bram stared at his computer screen for several minutes as two parts of his brain argued back and forth. The part of him that was undeniably in love with Simon won:

Love, Blue

Bram slept soundly after he sent that message. When he woke up, he was surprised to have a message from Simon in his inbox. He didn't know when Simon had woken up, but when Bram glanced over him now, he was fast asleep and looked so much more peaceful than he had before. There was a small smile on his face and Bram was almost transfixed by how much that changed Simon's features.

Blue,

Believe me, I understand, I really do. I wouldn't wish what happened today… well, I guess now it was yesterday, on my worst enemy, much less someone I like as much as you. In a way, I feel like you're my best friend. You're more of a friend than my actual friends have been. GOD, how sad does that sound?

I don't know what to say except: THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

I really thought this was going to scare you away. Everything's falling apart, but I feel like if I have you, I can get through this.

So, I gotta tell you how weird it is being out. For the most part, kids were fine with it. I mean there were a lot of stares and pointing, but I thought I could handle it. But then lunch happened. I got in a freaking fight; can you believe it? If Bram hadn't stopped me, I don't know what would have happened.

Do you know Bram? He's in our grade. He's the quiet kid that through that HUGE Halloween party back in October. I know what you're thinking: who is this guy that came to your rescue? Should I be jealous? Well Blue, I wish I could say you should be jealous, because I have a feeling it would be a cute look on you, but Bram is straight as an arrow, so nothing to worry about there.

God, this may be the least grammatical email I've ever sent to you. In defense of me, I haven't been sleeping well since IT was posted to the school blog so I've been 95% zombie for several days now. Please ignore all sentence fragments and grammatical errors (even though I know you think they're cute - you do still think they're cute, right?).

THANK YOU! (Again). I can't explain what it means that you're not just going to disappear, even though our emails were leaked. And I think I need to say this, though I might regret it when I'm not so sleep deprived: I think I'm in love with you. I can't believe I wrote that. I can't believe I'm pressing send.

Love, Simon

Bram smiled to himself. Simon said he was in love with him. It made his stomach churn and his cheeks redden. It was weird to see Simon call him straight as an arrow, when he was about as straight as a circle, but he couldn't help but feel a little relieved at that. His secret was still clearly safe with him. He glanced at his clock. He really should be waking up Simon, but he didn't think he could wait to respond to that email.

Simon,

I know exactly what you mean about feeling like we're best friends. I think it's usually hard to talk about the stuff we talk about, but it's easy with you. You're the only one that knows most of that stuff about me. I'm sorry that I'm being a better friend than your friends are, especially since this is the first time I've talked to you in weeks.

The name Bram rings a bell. I think I have a couple of classes with him.

Bram frowned. He couldn't write that. Even if Simon might not consider it a lie, Bram did and he eventually wanted Simon to know who he was, plus he didn't need Simon bombarding him with questions about who he shared classes with. While he definitely didn't want Simon to know he was Blue, he also didn't want Simon to think anyone else was Blue. It was a really confusing place to be in. He deleted his last two sentences and decided to ignore that question all together.

God, a fight? That's kinda hard to imagine. Are you okay? I'm glad someone stepped in - can't have you getting in trouble with everything else you have going on. I'm glad to know that I don't have any competition - you should exclusively like boys with colors for their fake names and awkward Hanukkah traditions.

If you don't mind my asking, what is going on? From what I know about you, you don't seem like the kind of guy to pick fights. And I know A LOT about you.

OF COURSE I still think your sentence fragments are cute. I'll admit, I was a little upset at first when I saw our emails online - how did that happen? - and at first, I didn't think I would be able to keep this up, but I can't imagine not having you in my life even if it's only via email.

Bram looked right at Simon and chewed his lip. Could he say it? He had to. It was the truth.

You shouldn't regret it, because I think I'm falling in love with you too.

Love, Blue

Bram waited a few minutes after he pressed send for his heart to calm down before he woke up Simon.

Simon looked so peaceful for a split second before Bram could literally see the weight of the world crash down on him. He looked around numbly and grimaced. "I need to get home and shower," he mumbled.

"There's not enough time. Both of us will be late if I have to bring you home first. You can shower here." Bram tried to sound nonchalant and unphased at the idea of Simon showering in his house.

"I don't have clean clothes," Simon said, shaking his head.

"My clothes might be a little big on you, but you can borrow some of mine." Bram pretended to be looking through his dresser, but he really was trying to regain his composure and steer his mind away from the tantalizing thought of Simon taking a shower or how Simon wearing his clothes seemed like something that couples would do.

He grabbed a shirt and a hoodie for Simon and a pair of his jeans. There was no way they were going to fit him right, but it was better than nothing. Simon awkwardly shifted from one foot to another. "What's wrong?" Bram asked.

"I need some boxers," Simon admitted reluctantly.

"Oh. Sorry." Bram opened a different drawer of his dresser and hesitated before he threw Simon a pair of pale blue boxers. He knew it was a little risky, but he doubted Simon would make the connection between him and the boxers he chose, but it still gave him a thrill to leave the slightest of hints for Simon. "The bathroom is down the hall on the left." Bram knew Simon already knew that, but he didn't know what else to say.

Simon nodded and practically scurried to the bathroom. Once he got back, Bram grabbed his own clothes and ran for the shower. He took longer than he usually did, but his nerves were frazzled, and his mind kept wandering to the unexpected situation he'd found himself in. Simon Spier was in love with him. Of course, he didn't know Bram was Blue, but that didn't change the fact that he was in love with him. It made him feel reckless and carefree, and he was having trouble keeping a huge, excessively giddy smile off his face for more than a few seconds.

When Bram returned to his room, fully clothed and in significantly better control of his emotions, Simon was smiling big and was typing away furiously on his phone. "Where's the fire? Did you forget to do your homework?" Bram teased. Simon turned a deep red and Bram realized that he must have been typing his response to their latest email. Bram felt an itch to know what Simon was going to say, but he knew he would have to be patient. "Anyway, breakfast is a big deal to my mom. She says it's in her genes as a doctor, so we sit down and eat breakfast every morning. I probably should have warned you about that before you agreed to stay the night, but…" Bram trailed off.

He didn't say what he was thinking, but Simon did. "I was in a bad place," he said with a shrug. "I don't think I was a ball of sunshine yesterday and I appreciate you putting up with that."

"You seem like you're feeling better today," Bram observed.

"Yesterday sucked. I'm not going to sugar coat it." Simon had a far off look in his eye. "Today, I don't know… I don't feel so alone."