Thank you all so much for reading and reviewing. I am extra grateful for that you've made it far enough into this story to read this note, as we're finally coming to something you've been waiting for so long. This is a big chapter which sets in motion the path to answers you've been wanting since the beginning.

Chapter Nineteen

Edward

I watched Carlisle drive away, heading out to work in his Mercedes, from my place on his porch, and then glanced to the side at Bella's house. Through her kitchen window, I could see her swaying to the music I could hear playing through the thin barrier of her house's clapboard walls and her occasional laughter reaching me.

I sat down on the porch swing that Emmett had built for Carlisle and swung it slowly back and forth. I was feeling a little dour. As happy as I was for Carlisle and what he was building with Bella, albeit slowly, it did make me feel a little alone. With each evening with Bella that Carlisle told me about, the time he was able to stay with her, I felt a little more lost.

Though Esme had no mate either, she had always seemed perfectly happy as she was with our family to love and didn't seem to lack anything. I had believed I felt the same, that I was content, but the closer Carlisle became to Bella, the more distant he seemed to me. I missed the times we would have together, talking and listening, discussing everything that we'd done and wanted to do.

I now saw that Carlisle had been hiding what he wanted more than anything when we'd been discussing wants. I understood why he had hidden it, wanting to keep Bella to himself, though it was a marvel that he had with my ability and the extent of the time we spent together.

I heard the music cut off and then the sound of a door opening and Bella's voice calling to me.

"Edward?"

I looked around at her. "Hello, Bella."

"Are you okay?" she asked, her brow furrowed with concern.

"I'm fine. Just taking in the day."

She looked pointedly up at the overcast sky, a perfect day for a vampire to be out among humans. "It's quite some day." She came closer and seemed to examine me. "Are you sure you're okay? You don't look well."

I wondered if my thoughts had made their home on my face, the melancholy I felt.

"Do you want to come in for a while?" she asked. "I'm just cooking up some pies for the school bake sale, and I could do with some company."

What I should have said was no. I hadn't hunted recently enough, and it wasn't entirely appropriate for me to be alone in a teacher's house, but I also wanted to say yes. I'd had barely any time with Bella to talk to her. The closest we'd been was when we were pinned between the truck and van the day of the accident. Esme and Alice had found ways to speak to her, and Alice had been in La Push after the crash and the following drama so had forged more of a relationship there in the tense moment and the conversation that followed at our house while Jasper, Emmett and I had been away hunting. I wanted to know the woman that held my father's heart.

Abandoning caution, I said, "I would like that," getting to my feet, crossing the grass, and stepping over the low wall that separated her yard from Carlisle's.

She went back into her house and gestured me in and then closed the door behind me. "Go on through to the kitchen."

I went in and took a seat at the table. The countertops were spread with chopping boards and various fruits that smelled mildly offensive to me. That was a minor annoyance that actually helped in a way as it gave me something to think of other than her scent, which was embedded in every inch of the room and the close proximity to her when she came back inside and went to the counter. I was in command of the thirst, though. The monster was controlled.

"You mind if I carry on working?" she asked.

"Of course not."

"Thanks."

She took a chopping board from the counter, a bag of apples, and a knife, carried them to the table, and sat opposite me. She began to slice away the skin of an apple, her movements swift and sure.

From my car where I had left it, I heard my phone ring, but I didn't excuse myself to get it. There was no good excuse to suddenly leave her after being invited in, and I didn't want to end my time with her already.

"So, what's wrong?" she asked, looking up and frowning as I shook my head. "Don't tell me nothing. There's clearly something going on. Is it the divorce?"

"No," I said quickly. "Apart from the fact Carlisle moved out, things are basically the same at home. He comes and goes, and he still comes away with us when we go camping. We have plenty of time with him. I think…" I pinched the bridge of my nose. "I know you don't want to hear the truth about us, and I won't tell you, but our lives are sometimes difficult because of it. There are things that can…" I sighed. "My life isn't what I expected it to be, and that's hitting me harder at the moment than ever before."

She appraised me and said, "I understand that. As you know, I've got my own secret, and it can be a burden. Things can be hard when you're hiding something from everyone around you. You feel isolated."

"You do," I said. "It's easier for me, as the whole family shares the secret." I frowned. "Has it been hard for you to be alone?"

She considered her answer and then said. "Only in the fact that I've been lying to people all my life. Otherwise, I've never really been alone. I've always made friends easily enough." She bit her lip. "When I left Phoenix and came to Forks, I wondered if I would be able to in such a small town with people already with their friendships already formed, but I've been lucky. I've made friends with others at the school." A small smile curled her lips. "And I have Carlisle now."

In that moment, I wished more than anything that I could hear her thoughts. I wanted to know what she really felt for my father. The fact I couldn't tell was maddening as I was used to being able to find out what I wanted to know with my gift. Her silent mind taunted me.

"Yes, you have Carlisle," I said pointedly.

She grinned and picked up a new apple. "He's a good man."

"He's the best man I know," I said solemnly. "He has done so much for me. I will never be able to repay him for the things he's done and the life he's given me, given us all."

Bella nodded and started to peel the apple and then stopped with a soft curse as the knife slipped and cut the tip of her finger. A small bead of blood formed, and my eyes fixated on it.

For the merest moment, I thought I could resist, that I could hold my breath, get up, and flee the house without hurting her, but the monster was more powerful.

I lurched to my feet and rounded the table in a fraction of a second. In another, I had lifted her to her feet, pulled her head to the side to expose her throat, and then sank my teeth through her skin and sealed my lips around the wound. I didn't feel her struggles or cries. She wasn't a person. She was a meal.

The blood touched my tongue, and my mind soared. It was elixir, more incredible than the scent had promised, and my body sang with it. I rejoiced, absorbed, and felt the exhilaration of my thirst being sated with the most exquisite blood I have ever tasted.

The monster in me roared with approval.

"Edward, no!"

The scream came from behind me, and I lifted my mouth to growl a warning. This was my hunt, my blood, and I wasn't going to share it with anyone.

Arms wrapped around my chest, and I was dragged away. I fought and struggled, feral growls ripping from me, but the arms holding me were too strong to resist, and a voice was growling in my ear.

"Stop, Edward! Look at her! Look at what you've done to her! Think of Carlisle!"

The name ripped through me, and reason returned. My struggles ceased, and I crumpled in Emmett's grip.

"Get him out of here, Emmett!" Alice commanded. "Take him to hunt. Call Carlisle. Don't tell him what happened; he needs to stay in control. Just tell him there's been an emergency and to come home. Then call Esme and send her after Edward. She might be the only one that can help him apart from Carlisle, and he's going to be busy."

The arms hauled me up, and Emmett said, "Come on, Edward. Let's get you out of here."

I didn't resist as I was half carried, half dragged outside and into the forest. As we reached the trees, I heard Alice's concerned questions to Bella, and then a reply that made me cry out as it was the voice of the one I had injured, the voice of the one my venom would even now be seeping into, the voice of the one I had doomed to the existence of what I now cursed.

"Vampires?" Bella asked.

Alice drew a hitching breath and said, "Yes… Bella? Bella!"

Emmett froze as the sound of a fractured thud came, and I heard his breath catch. I held mine, too, desperately waiting for the sound I needed to save my life.

It didn't come. Bella's heart had fallen silent.

I had killed her.

"No!" Alice cried. "Bella!"

Emmett released me and shoved me aside as he raced back into the kitchen. I stood frozen, horrified by what I had done, and then dropped to my knees and bowed over until my forehead was pressed against the floor. Sobs ripped from me, gasping desperate sounds of misery.

"Bella!" Emmett breathed. "Oh, god, Bella."

"It might not be too late," Alice said. "CPR! The venom might… Help me!"

Her cry reached me, and I sat up. In a split second, I was on my feet; in another, I was running into the kitchen and dropping down beside Bella, who Alice had laid on the floor.

"Move!" I snapped, shoving her aside. "Cover her wound!"

Emmett grabbed for me, and Alice said, "No, he's the one. He has to be," as she pressed her hand over the bloody wound in Bella's throat that my teeth had made.

I didn't know whether she had seen me save Bella or if she just knew the only way for me to save myself was to be the one that saved Bella, but I didn't care. I lowered my ear to Bella's chest, hoping that perhaps there was the faintest heartbeat that I had missed, but there was nothing.

I straightened up and tilted her head back then brew two breaths into her mouth. Her chest rose with them, oxygen entering her blood again, and I sat up and began to compress her chest with carefully measured strength so as not to crush her ribs.

"No," Emmett was whispering. "She can't… Edward, you have to…"

"I'm trying," I snapped. "Alice?"

"I can't see," she said desperately as I blew two new breaths into Bella's mouth. "It's gone now, but it might change. Keep going."

As if I was going to stop. The existence of the father I loved more than anything was tied to the woman lying in front of me. All I could do was hope that by moving the venom through her bloodstream, I could trigger the change. If it just reached her heart, there was a chance it would work.

I compressed her chest, my lips working in a litany of pleas to her to live, to come back.

It was my fault, all my fault. I had doomed this innocent woman because of my thirst, killed her, and if the venom failed, she was going to be gone forever.

"Edward," Alice said weakly after a moment. "The venom."

"What about it?" I growled and then gave Bella another two breaths.

"It's not working," she said. "The venom is coming out. It's spread but is not starting her heart. I can smell it in her blood."

I looked at her and saw that she was holding out her hand. The slick blood on her palm from where she had been pressing her hand to Bella's wound was slightly diluted by the sheen of venom.

"Why?" Emmett asked.

Alice shook her head. "I don't know. But…" She made a soft choking sound. "It's not going to work. I can't see anything at all."

"No!" I shouted, pressing the heel of my hands to Bella's chest again eagerly, too eagerly. I pushed too hard. With a sick cracking of ribs breaking, I felt the resistance under my hands disappear, and I saw the hollow I had created in Bella's chest.

I sank back on my haunches, and a cry of misery ripped from me. I had done it. It wasn't enough that I had bitten her, drained her blood, and stopped her heart, I had also taken the one chance we had of saving her with CPR. There was nothing to do.

She was gone.

Alice was releasing sounds of misery, and Emmett was staring at Bella's face with a look of horror. He reached out a gentle hand and closed Bella's eyes with a stroke over her face.

My mind reeled. I had killed Bella, Carlisle's mate, and destroyed his world—all our worlds. We would never be the same after this. Carlisle wouldn't. If he had the resistance and strength to live with this pain instead of seeking death, he was going to be a destroyed man.

And then, out of nowhere and nothing, a heaving breath was drawn and a cough. My incredulous eyes found Bella's, and she stared up at me with terror.

I needed leave, get away from her to make her feel safe, but the fact I could see the color in her cheeks, the sealed wound at her throat, the curve of her chest instead of the sick, crushed hollow I'd created, had frozen me.

Alice touched Bella's shoulder and said in a weak whisper, "How?"

Bella shook her head wordlessly, pressed her hand to the blood on her throat, and then looked at it with a gasp.

"It's okay, Bella, just breathe," Emmett said softly. "You're okay."

But how was she okay? Had could she live now when I had seen the evidence of her death. The injury I had caused her with my overeager CPR had made resuscitation impossible, but she was living now. I could hear her racing heart and see her breaths heaving her chest.

Bella's eyes darted to me, and she cringed away.

"Get out of here, Edward," Emmett growled. "You're scaring the crap out of her."

Though I nodded, knowing he was right, I couldn't move.

"Go!" Emmett shouted, and Bella flinched.

I got mechanically to my feet, staring at Bella, and then whispered, "I'm sorry," and fled.

I reached the trees, the taste of Bella's blood still in my mouth, soured now with horror, and then I broke into a sprint.

I had just killed the woman Carlisle loved, ended her life. The fact that life had somehow been saved, she was incredibly alive and healed, wasn't enough to assuage what had happened. And when Carlisle knew…

I was going to die for this crime.

So… That happened. ;-) I'm curious. What do you think Carlisle's reaction is going to be? I've seen similar situations — though they involved Jasper, not Edward — in stories, and I'd love to hear which direction you think I'd take. I've seen polar opposites.

Until next time…

Simaril xxx