In a story on my other account, Swan Song (GO READ IT!), the love triangle popped up (duh) and Sophie asked Fitz to please not challenge Keefe to a duel. thesirensong requested a short fanfic where Fitz and Keefe duel, and I was bored 'cause quarantine, so this happened. Enjoy!

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine

It's the Ten Duel Commandments

It's the Ten Duel Commandments

"Yes, Fitz, you and Keefe are in a love triangle with me. Please don't challenge him to a duel or anything."

"I make no promises."

Number one

The challenge, demand satisfaction

If they apologize, no need for further action

"Funkyhair."

"Chandelier Head. What brings you here?"

"It has come to my attention that the two of us are... competing... for Sophie."

"There's no competing about it, Wonderboy. We both know that I'm going to win."

"How about we settle it with a duel?"

"You're on."

Number two

If they don't, grab a friend, that's your second

"Hey, Dex."

"Keefe! What do you need?"

"Well, I'm in a duel, and I need a second.

"Are you serious?"

"It's against Wonderb-"

"I'M IN!"

Your lieutenant when there's reckoning to be reckoned

"Hello, Tam."

"Hi."

"I'm dueling Keefe, would you mind being my second?"

"Sure, whatever. It's against Keefe."

"Great!"

"...Just don't actually kill him."

Number three

Have your seconds meet face to face

Negotiate a peace

Or negotiate a time and place

This is commonplace, 'specially 'tween recruits

Most disputes die, and no one shoots

"Hi, Dex."

"Hi, Tam!"

"I don't think the love triangle is going to be resolved anytime soon, do you?"

"Nah, Sophie's never going to choose."

"I guess the duel's happening, then."

Number four

If they don't reach a peace, that's alright

Time to get some pistols and a doctor on site

You pay him in advance, you treat him with civility

You have him turn around so he can have deniability

"Elwin! My favorite physician!"

"Keefe, what do you need?"

"Fitz and I are dueling. We need a doctor."

"Are you seriously... Fine. Fine. Just don't die."

"Thank you!"

"...you kids..."

"Elwin, oh mallowmelt, you're turning into the Fork Man!"

Five

Duel before the sun is in the sky

Pick a place to die where it's high and dry

"Fitz, do you think we should we just grab a random leaping crystal and go there?"

"Sounds about right."

Number six

Leave a note for your next of kin

"Dear Dad, I am dueling- wait, why am I writing a letter to Lord Pretentious?"

"I don't know, Keefe."

"Dex, give me another piece of paper."

"Here."

"Dear Ro, you always told me I should fight for my girl. Keefe."

Tell 'em where you been

"Dear Dad, maybe you should actually be worried this time. But probably not. Love, Fitz."

Pray that hell or heaven lets you in

"Hell's going to be jealous of me. Lord Hunkyhair is way hotter!"

"Shut up, Keefe. Anyway, there's no way Wonderboy could go anywhere but heaven."

"Seriously, Fitz?"

Seven

Confess your sins

Ready for the moment of adrenaline when you finally face your opponent

"Hmm... many would agree that my worst sin was the Great Gulon Incident. So I shall explain it in great detail. Well, actually, that wasn't a sin, that was awesome!"

"Dang it Keefe, I thought you were finally about to tell me."

"Sorry, Foster. Anyway, my worst sin is probably that one time in Neverseen that I didn't style my Hair."

"Are you actually- okay. Mine is probably overuse of the phrase 'bUt We'Re CoGnAtEs!'"

"Sounds about right."

Number eight

Your last chance to negotiate

Send in your seconds, see if they can set the record straight

"Dex Dizznee."

"Salty Shadows, Sir."

"Can we agree that duels are dumb and immature?"

"Sure. But Shannon has to somehow solve the triangle, sir."

"By killing them? We both know that's absurd, sir."

"Hang on, how many fans died because ships wars are crazy and ruinous?"

"Okay, so we're doing this."

Number nine

Look 'em in the eye, aim no higher

Summon all the courage you require

Then count

"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine!"

"Number ten paces fire!"

TO BE CONTINUED...

But not really. The song's over. Parody's done.

Interpret the winner however you like. Keefe wins, Fitz wins, they both die and Biana gets Sophie, it's your decision.

I hope you liked it! :) Please review!