A/N: Hello! This won't be long, but I hope you enjoy this chapter and maybe get to enjoy this story I'm beginning. Please read, review on and enjoy!
The hustle and bustle of New York city surrounded the young girl sitting across the street from the Manhattan precinct as she clung to the jacket resting on her shoulder to keep her warm from the autumn air, but not protecting her from the truth behind the double doors ahead. Her deep brown eyes searched for a single piece of similarity between herself and the female detective that goes by the badge number 4015. She remembered the photograph from two years ago... and still to this day, she dreamt about the woman with her matching eyes.
The small contact card pressing into her palm was not easing the anxiety rising in the back of her throat, as if she hadn't thrown up twice this morning. She didn't even bother when lunch time rolled around, she didn't have the stomach to eat. Not even the pop-tart in her book bag sounded appetising. Three hours had come and gone since she'd left school, which let out at two-fifteen and with the clock ticking closer to dinner time, she didn't have much time to spare. Her inner voice began to scream and tell her to go inside before a call from her foster mother led to a kiss of death.
She attempted to get on her two feet earlier and walk into the building with her head held high, but had fallen short with nothing but sickness easing her back into the depressing bench. All she needed was a signature on the dotted line in blue or black ink, preferably black. Her signature to be exact. It was that simple, so why couldn't she gain the confidence to get up from the bench and make her way inside. It wasn't anyone special, it was just one person in this world. What did it matter to her? This person couldn't matter to her or else it would defeat the entire reasoning of being here.
The vibration of the black flip phone in her coat pocket was enough to make her jump from the bench and step off the sidewalk ledge. Her careful eyes watched as the police cars drove by and sent a nod or a wave, but once inside... it was as if each badge was blinding her eyes. She was careful to keep her eyes down passing by the men in uniform. She didn't want to raise hairs as to why she was here... it was already difficult enough. She followed the sign signalling elevators and once catching the one elevator on the end empty with detectives rushing out, she raced in.
Her shaky hands went to close the doors with a click of a button, not wanting another pair of eyes on her to secretly ask more questions. Her relief ended when a gentleman dodged the closing doors to slip inside. Her shoulders tensed as his eyes fell on her as the card in hand only began to wrinkle under her fingers. She forced a return smile as he pressed down on floor three and then glanced to her, asking for the floor she would be heading to.
The answer slipped her loose mind as the card in hand was her only answer. "Oh." She mumbled as she began to unfold the crinkled up card and respond. "Sixteen, please." Her answer seemed to draw the officer or detective by surprise as he was hesitant to press the number. He didn't say another thing as the dull music fell over the two of them and waited patiently for his floor to arrive.
He wasn't judging her... but it certainly felt that his heart hung heavy from the answer and once they arrived at his floor, he stole one last glance and sent a gentle nod. His softer smile allowing her to feel comfort and secure from nerves going further. "Have a good day, miss." He tilted his head once more and with the doors closing, left her alone with time to settle into reality.
The elevator was traveling thirteen floors up at about ten miles per hour, leaving her anxiety to match the speed with each warning ding. If she could've jumped up and down to calm her nerves, she would've. Instead, she settled for walking small circles around the little elevator and flexing her hands hanging at her sides. "Listen, it's not that big of a deal, got it? You're here to get one thing." Her voice was shaky as she attempted to control her breathing. "You're not going to feel complete by meeting her, nor are the pieces all going to come together. That's all lies, alright?" She slipped the crinkled up card in the coat pocket as she passed by floor thirteen. "... she means nothing to you."
Her head spun the moment they arrived at floor sixteen and the elevator doors slid open with a ding to grasp her attention from the babbling. She slowly stepped out of the elevator with careful eyes as a detective passed her, making his way to the elevator with a phone glued to his hear. Standing alone in the empty hall, she looked down the hall that lead further into the precinct and hesitated towards the vending machine with her manilla folder slipping out from under her coat.
"... it's fine, just breathe." She was whispering under her breath as she paused by double doors revealing the detectives at their desks. Most of them going over paperwork or on their computer as she stared ahead, her attention going unnoticed as she stood frozen. Her legs not moving even an inch as she searched for her familiar face in hopes avoiding further attention from other, but the moment she turned on her heel to head back towards the bathrooms, she collided with a blonde haired detective.
The contents in the manilla folder slipped from her hands and sprawled out among the floor between herself and the detective a few inches away. "..." She felt the familiar panic rise in her throat as she knelt down to gather the stack of papers scattered around her. The last thing she needed way anyone seeing these papers and raising verbal questions to her or the woman she was here to see.
"I'm sorry, sweetie." The sweet southern accent stuck out in her ear as she gathered the papers and stuffed them in the folder without ordering them together. "Here, let me help." She noticed the kind gestured as the detectives hand reached to grab one of the stray papers, offering it to her without hesitating to steal a glance. "... they told me to lay off the coffee, it makes me jittery." Her humour lightened the mood as she took the paper and slipped it away from view.
She raised her eyes to catch the big blue eyes coming from the detective before her and returned the smile while clutching the folder to her chest. "Same... it happens when I get to three cups." Her comment seemed to surprise the blonde detective as she fell into laughter.
"Three cups? I didn't even know someone so young could drink that much coffee."
"... It's my water." She added to the humour before brushing her deep brown hair behind her ear and tapping her fingers along the folder. "I'm sorry that I bumped into you, I should've been more careful."
"Don't worry about it, no harm done." Her blue eyes wandered over the young gentle face before catching her tight grip on the folder in her arms. "Do you need to speak to someone... a detective?"
Her eyes widened at the question as she realised the start of a conversation led her to the moment of asking for that certain name. "Um... I'm not sure." She whispered under her breath with a nervous gleam in her eyes.
"It's okay... I'm Amanda." Her blue eyes seemed kind as she stepped a little closer with a softer tone and caring look in her eyes. "I'm a detective here. You wanna go sit and talk a bit?" She placed a gentle hand on the young girls arm in hopes of her feeling safe and secure in the precinct. "I can supply you with coffee, if you want?"
Her questions were causing a panic as the hair on the back of her neck stood up with her touch, but a calm demeanour left her with a quickly reply. "That's very nice of you Amanda. I-I'm actually looking for someone." Her hands slipped back into the coat pocket and retrieved the contact card with a name printed on it. "Um, her names Olivia Benson." She watched the blue eyes shift over her shoulder into the precinct and received a stiff nod.
Amanda caught a glimpse of the familiar card in the young girls hand and noticed the crinkled edges and faded colours printed on the front. It was older. She wasn't surprised as to who the girl was asking for, Liv had multiple people come in and ask for by name. However, this young was unlike victims before, she carried a file filled with papers asking for Liv and a sense of panic and fear in her eyes. "She's here, I can get her for you if you want to follow me in-" She stepped around young girl and gestured for her to follow her inside the precinct, but noticed her step further away.
"It's okay. I can wait here." She stayed from the detectives side as she allowed her to follow, but instead she strayed behind with the card clenched in her left hand and folder in her right.
Her nervous tendencies did not go unnoticed under Amanda's watchful eye as she slowly nodded her head and explained she's be back. It wasn't until her back was turned that Amanda felt worried for the young girl behind her as the empathic side experienced her nervous heart racing and scared panic burn in the back of her mind. She could've sworn the young girl just got done running a marathon with how fast her heartbeat was going. She glanced around the slightly busy precinct and caught the familiar detective serving herself hot coffee with Amaro by her side.
"... Hey Liv," She stepped up behind the two catching their attention by addressing the elder detective. "A young girl is asking for you by name. She seems kind of nervous about something, but can't say what." Amanda watched the warm brown eyes glance her way as the black coffee was poured in the mug. "She's over by the vending machines."
Olivia Benson caught her name by the southern twang of Amanda Rollins walking up behind her, but once hearing of a young girl asking for her, the coffee in hand become second to attention. She raised an eyebrow and placed the warm mug down on the table, not bothering to steal a sip before going to work. "How old do you think she is?" Olivia gave out countless amounts of cards out to young woman who needed help, which always left her re-tracking to who it could've been.
"Psh, she can't be any older than fifteen." Amanda cut in front of Nick as he reached for her mug, which made her act quickly to serve herself before he could. "She's a little on edge and seems nervous, so if you want to bring her back to talk alone, interview room two is free." She watched as Nick held his arms out to protest, but she shut him up by serving him with a serving.
While she wanted to continue on with pestering Amaro, Olivia stepped back from the coffee and made her way to leave the precinct. "By the vending machines?" She asked Amanda once more as she received a 'yes.' Olivia expected to see a familiar face waiting for her in the halls as she strolled past the double doors and entered the hallways, but the moment a young girl came into her view, she didn't recognise her from the past. In fact, her brown eyes seemed rather chilling... not in a fearful way, but as if she was looking in a mirror. She was leaning up against the wall with manilla folder in her arms and book bag over her shoulder, her deep brown hair tossed over her shoulders to stray away from her face.
Olivia noticed the nervous look in her eyes as she met with hers and warm smile graced her lips as she inched closer. "Hi... I'm Olivia, I heard you were looking for me. Is that right?" She tilted her head to the side as she stood a few feet away as the girl pushed herself off the wall. Her eyes closely looking over Olivia without replying or giving a nod, but the moment tears welled up along the waterlines of her eyes, Olivia stepped even closer. "Sweetie, are you okay?"
She wanted to speak and respond with a quick explanation as to why she was here, but nothing was coming out and she couldn't force it. Instead, her emotions got the best of her as the beautiful detective seemed to noticed the tears welling in her eyes and inch closer. She stepped back with a slight jump and blinked away the tears by looking down at her feet. "Yeah... yeah, I'm fine." She hesitated to continue further as her voice began to tremble. "I'm sorry to bother you, I shouldn't be here." She reacted without hesitating and moved fast by stepping away from Olivia and moving back towards the elevators.
Her panic showed in her quick actions as she speed walked over to the elevators and began to press the buttons, hoping it would return within seconds of arrival. However, she didn't expect Olivia to follow her step, her panic resinating with the caring streak in Detective Benson. "Come on." She muttered pounding her finger into the lit up button as the footsteps came closer with the anxious waiting.
"Honey, you're not bothering me... if you don't wanna talk out here, I can take you somewhere else. There's a few empty rooms in the back." Olivia explained to the young girl, who avoided her gaze and her finger on the elevator button, tapping every few seconds. "We can talk in there, if you want? I can even get you something to drink." She couldn't seem to get the girls attention with her suggestions, so she stepped closer and placed a gentle hand on hers to draw her hand away from the button, only for her hand to jerk away.
She acted fast by jerking her hand from hers as the flinch kept her shaky hands in view. "Please, don't..."
Olivia raised her hands to show her apologies and nodded her head. "It's okay. I just wanna make sure that you're alright, sweetie. You seem pretty shaken up and if you need someone to talk to, I'm here." She explained as the deep brown eyes filled with tears finally met hers once more. "... why don't you come back with me, I can get you some water or a soda from the vending machine? We can sit over by the windows over here." She watched her eyes dart to the vending machines behind them and received a stiff nod "Okay?"
"... I like coffee." She whispered under her breath and received a chuckle from the detective before being led over to the windows near vending machines and taking a seat on the ledge. Her book bag slid off her shoulders as a slight weight left her back, allowing her to let out a sigh of relief when Olivia paid for a water from the machine and handed it over to her. "Thank you." She unscrewed the cap and stole a few sips, while Olivia asked a uni to retrieve a coffee for her.
Olivia felt as if she was getting somewhere with the young girl as she turned away from the uni who did as she asked, but once catching the manilla folder in the young girls lap, her eyebrow was risen once more. "A little better?" She noticed half of the water bottle was guzzled down within seconds of having it and caught her hand shaking as well. "I find that water helps calm the nerves a little more than coffee." Olivia heard the small chuckle from her and leaned against the wall beside the young girls side. "... You wanna tell me your name?"
The shaky hand rested the water bottle on her knee and wiped her cheek into her right shoulder to dry her fallen tears, the question leading to the topic of discussion to catch up to her. "... Carter." She whispered under her breath as the folder began to weigh heavy in her lap.
"Carter, that's a pretty name." Olivia thoroughly liked her name as the gleam in her eyes was sparked by the kindness given out.
Carter's head picked up as the sarcastic laugh left her lips and she sniffled with her nose crunching up with wrinkles forming on her face. "It means 'cart driver' and it's a boy's name." She stole a few extra sips from the water bottle and shrugged her shoulders. "It's not that pretty."
"I'd disagree." Olivia noticed the harsh comments continue for the young girl as she finished off her water and crushed it down in her hands. "How old are you sweetie?" She was surprised to see the young girl's eyes shift back to hers as she seemed frightened to answer the question.
"Fifteen." Carter's eyes were burning into Olivia's, but she knew the file in her lap would've given the detective all the answers she was searching for and it would've been much easier to hand them over. Yet, she couldn't. "My birthday's in May." She felt the hints slipping off her tongue without meaning to but they kept coming out. "I'm a gemini."
Olivia could tell the young girl was beginning to open up a bit more with the mention of her birthday and she shared another smile, hoping for her to continue on a bit more with her explanation. "Oh yeah? Hopefully you were able to celebrate it without having to be stuck in school." She jokingly added.
There it was... it was her chance to make it easier for the detective to catch on.
"I lucked out sometimes... my birthday's on the 27th." Carter felt her heart skipping a beat once it left her lips and Olivia's eyes seemed to shift as the date held a significant meaning to both women. She felt her throat tighten as the uni stepped behind Olivia with the styrofoam cup in hand filled with hot coffee, his presence causing the tension to break before placing the cup in Carter's hand. She thanked him as he stepped away and made his way into the precinct.
May 27th.
That day had been imprinted forever in Olivia's mind as it rolled off Carter's tongue and unlocked the hidden memories to which she had shoved deep in her history books and left untouched. However, with her young brown eyes staring up at her with tears, it silently began to click mentally as they were interrupted by the uni. Olivia mentally felt her head spinning as the coffee was handed over and they were left alone, but nothing prepared her for the young life sitting before her to reveal the assumptions stirring in the back of her head.
"Are you Olivia Margret Benson? Born on February 7th, 1968?" Carter didn't have to steal another glance in her file to read off that important date as she watched the tears well up into Olivia's matching eyes. She didn't have to respond or say another word as her tears were the truth to a yes. Her core began to shake as the revelation of being here had finally been revealed and tears fell from Olivia's eyes. "I- I'm Carter... Benson. I was born May 27th, 1996 at s-"
Olivia spoke up as her voice raised with the mention of the old day in May of ninety-six, but the suffering behind it was laced in her words. "Seven, o Seven... the nurses said you were born lucky." She forced a smile through the tears and glanced down at the floor to avoid crying any further.
To say her stomach dropped to the floor would've been an understatement as her words grew faint in Olivia's ears, but her eyes couldn't tear away from the beauty of the young girl standing before her. It was difficult to believe. Yet, she could hardly fathom that the young babe carried for nine months was a fifteen year old teenager with matching eyes that warmed her heart. Carter still had the button nose Olivia adored when she was placed in her arms, her soft brown hair turned to waves as she had matured and her smile was just the same... sweet.
Olivia's hands began to shake as the faint voices fell back into hearing and she slowly placed a hand on her stomach to keep herself from passing out. Breathe in and out. She repeated it multiple times, allowing herself to process the young girl before her and not faint. She wanted to cry... she did with the tears strolling down her cheeks, but she hid them by wiping the tears away with the back of her hand. "I'm sorry, I just... I never expected to see you." Her words came out with a heavy breath as she as able to control herself from losing her emotions even further. "It was a closed adoption and your parents never wished to know me."
"... parents?" Carter squinted her eyes as one eyebrow raised in confusion and she pushed herself off the window ledge to stand up on her feet. "I'm sorry but I don't think I understand what you mean by parents. I was never adopted." She watched Olivia's eyes widen as well as her own and continued. "You were told I was getting adopted?"
Confusion filled the small hallway as Olivia was taken aback by not one, but two surprises throwing her for a whim. Olivia heard the elevator ding from over her shoulder and kept her back to them as other detectives exited to enter the precinct. She was careful to glance over her shoulder and wait for the halls to be cleared to continue. "I was told that a nice family from Connecticut signed papers and planned to take you home a few days after you were born."
"I was never adopted from anyone in Connecticut..." Carter's tone was bitter as she corrected Olivia with a slight glare in her eyes. "That's clear, but it must've been the couple that wanted a boy. Imagine their surprise when I was a girl named Carter." Her sarcastic tone appeared in the laugh that formed in the back of her throat and rolled her eyes with her shoulders shrugging. "What did I tell you? Boys names suck for girls."
Olivia had encountered emotional blows before in her lifetime of work, but hearing the little girl she had given up for adoption fifteen years ago had never been adopted seemed to rattle her to the core. She had been promised her little girl would be gifted a better life with the family eager to have a baby, but it seemed they didn't want the perfect little girl she'd carried for nine months. Her stomach turned into knots as she heard the bitter statement from Carter regarding her name and forced herself to nod. "I... I'm sorry, I didn't know that." She could only apologise for the mistakes made in the past and it stung more than anything. "I wish I would've."
"... It's not like you could've done much." Her comment seemed directed at Olivia in the harshest way, but she was quick to correct herself with her sorrow filled eyes looking directly at Olivia. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-"
"It's alright," Olivia held her hands up in the air showing no harm had been done physically, but emotionally it stung like hell and she took it without flinching.
Carter hid the guilt of her words with an apologetic smile and nervously picked at the papers sliding out of the manilla folder in her arms. "I'm sure you're wondering why I'm here." She opened the disorganised file and flipped through the countless papers inside. "I had it right on top," She muttered through her teeth as she turned around and placed the file on the window sill to organize the mess. "Dammit."
Olivia's eyes traveled to the folder as Carter opened it to grab a slip, but it seemed she had misplaced it as her eyes widened and she began to tear through the papers in search for a certain one. She couldn't help but graze her eyes over some of the visible papers and as she read over them. Olivia noticed the names of multiple foster homes and girl homes she had lived at... some of the homes dating back to two-thousand-three. The red printing caught her eye as it read 'denied' in capital letters at the top and as she leaned in closer, Carter turned around with the paper in hand.
"We're you ever contacted about signing something called permanent release of rights?" Carter received a shake of the head from Olivia and scoffed. "The faith in social workers, I swear." She held her hand out towards Olivia with the slip in hand allowing her to take a glance at it. "The release of rights was supposed to be signed after I was born, but apparently disregarded by my case worker then and now. So, if you could sign on the dotted line at the bottom, that'd be great."
Olivia listened to Carter's explanation as she read over the piece of paper handed over, her eyes catching the parental release of rights at the top as well as the absence signature from her on the bottom. She then picked up her gaze as she raised an eyebrow and silently questioned why her signature was needed. Olivia waited until she was finished to question the reasoning. "... You said your caseworker was supposed to get this signed?"
"Yeah, about four months ago now." Carter turned back on her heel and began to reorganise the papers as they had been dismembered from dropping them earlier. "She's not exactly the best at getting things done."
Olivia read over the piece of information in front of her and caught onto the meaning behind the release of rights and silently felt her heartache terrorise her just as it did fifteen years ago. "I was told I signed over my rights when you were born." She whispered under her breath as Carter's ear caught it and glanced over her shoulder to explain it further.
"Apparently not... but until you sign that paper you're still legally my mother."
"... I get that." Olivia stomach turned with a vicious knot forming to cause an uncomfortable breath to leave her lips. "I guess, I'm just surprised that no one has ever contacted me before now, since you mentioned a social worker planning to do it a few months ago." Her hands shook under the weightless paper in her hand as she was careful to tread carefully on Carter's toes.
Carter placed the last few papers on top and closed the file back up and turned back to Olivia's view. "It's needed when someone is getting adopted, the state of New York has to be the one to give over those rights to allow the child to be released from under them." She grabbed the styrofoam cup resting beside her and stole a few sips, allowing the warm bitter taste to warm her up.
"Are you getting adopted?"
The question was enough to make Carter burst with laughter as she attempted to take another sip of her hot coffee, but she was able to draw away from the cup before anything could be choked up. "Me at fifteen getting adopted? Trust me no one wants to adopt a kid that's been raised in foster care." She wiped her lips from the fallen drops of coffee trickling down her chin. "We're half-raised damaged goods in the eyes of dooting parents who want to experience raising a baby."
Olivia felt the jabs continuing as she stood listening to Carter, but she didn't think Carter was here to spit hatred or even get payback. Instead, it seemed like the young girl needed her help. "... I'm sorry for asking, I shouldn't-"
"It's alright." Carter forced a small smile and slipped the file into her book bag on the floor by her feet. "If you wanna know why I need your help, it's because I'm trying to get emancipated from foster care. It's not exactly easy and without your signature." She tugged on the heavy backpack and slipped it over her shoulders before fully turning her attention back to Olivia. "So, if you could sign that I would greatly appreciate it."
"Emancipated from foster care?" Olivia asked silently as she dropped her hand with the piece of paper by her side and looked Carter directly in the eye. "That means you would live on your own at fifteen years old. Have you thought about what you would do? Where you would go?" She found herself asking two questions verbally, but internally the questions continued to pour out of her.
Carter was taken aback by the questions Olivia tossed out as she hid the slightly annoyance with her charming smile. "I have money saved up from babysitting gigs... as for a place to stay, I'm gonna rent a room somewhere near my school so I don't have to drop out." She grabbed the black pen in her pocket and handed it out to Olivia, who seemed reluctant to take it.
Mentally Olivia caught a glimpse of her younger self in young Carter and she couldn't help but travel back in time. Fifteen year old Olivia Benson thought she knew best too, when her mother arrived home drunk for the third time that week, she threatened to leave and never come back. She even threatened to use her college savings to leave, but in the end she never did. Carter carried fire in her belly and she didn't want to break that, but it was also not practical. Olivia had come to witness too many young girls like Carter end up in dangerous situations leading them further away from the fighters they used to be.
"Are you sure that's the best choice?" Olivia seemed to ask the question without thinking of repercussions from Carter. "I don't mean to overstep here, Carter... but at fifteen it's not the safest to live on your own. You're legally not an adult and that makes it even more difficult to find a place to stay. You're going to need a job so support living somewhere and that could lead to dropping out of-"
"I'm working on it." Carter found herself snapping at Olivia's comments to cut her off and continued with her tense reaction. "I don't plan to drop out either, that's not going to happen." She reasoned with her tone as she had sounded irritable by Olivia at first. "I'll figure it out when if it happens and go from there."
Olivia knew she was going to be pushing buttons by continuing the conversation, but she wanted Carter to understand where she was coming from. "I understand that Carter, but I see a lot of young girls get in trouble by trying to live on their own and-"
"I appreciate you looking out for me, but I've survived for the past fifteen years in foster care and I'm not waiting another three years being bounced around home to home. Trust me when I say, I'd be better off by myself." Carter held the pen out once more to Olivia and forced a smile in hope of her signing the release of rights.
Olivia knew when her advice wasn't wanted with the tension between herself and Carter, but the concern for the young fifteen year old wasn't something she could hide or disregard. "I don't know if that's the safest choice for you Ca-"
"Listen, Olivia... I don't know what it's like to have a mom, but I don't need one looking out for me now." Carter was surprised to see Olivia's lips close as she seemed shocked by her response, which Carter quickly covered up her anger as her eyes softened. "I just... I'm not here to yell at you or get answers about why you gave me up for adoption. I just need your help."
Olivia was taking every word with a grain of salt, but at the same time it struck a deep chord in knowing that this was the young baby she nursed for nine months and now she was fifteen with a sharp tongue. She felt the heaviness of the situation weighing heavily on her heart as she bit her bottom lip and looked away, her shaky hand clicking the pen as she unfolded the paper in her hands. "I would love to help you, but I need to know you'll be okay before anything. You understand that, right?" She watched Carter's shoulders sink a little under the weight of her bag and nod her head. "Would I be able to speak to your social worker before I sign?"
Carter was taken aback by the continuous caring streaking her birth mother seemed to portray and forced herself to give a smile to cover up the displeased response she wished to give. "Yeah... her names Elaine Coleman, you can find her at the department of social services. She's a real joy." She laced her words with a hint of sarcasm as her eyes glanced at the clock on the wall. "Crap."
The name was mentally marked down as Olivia marked down time for tomorrow morning to somehow make her way over to the social services office. However, Carter's eyes widened as she glanced at the clock on the wall and Olivia noticed the worry strike her eyes. "What's wrong?"
"I have to be home by seven thirty, I'm already late for my subway and the next one doesn't leave until eight." Carter felt the panic rise in her throat as she felt the vibration of phone in her coat pocket began to vibrate. "I gotta go, please if you would get that back to Elaine, I would really appreciate it." She didn't bother to say goodbye to Olivia, instead she walked right by her and made her way back to the elevator in hopes of avoiding the cursing phone call waiting for her.
Before she knew it, Olivia was following the young girl back to the elevator with an idea brewing in the back of her mind. "I can get you there..." She watched Carter's eyes look to her for answers and continued. "I have a squad car and I guarantee you, it beats the subway." She watched as Carter contemplated the offer as she silently prayed for an exception in her case.
"... okay."
The shock and awe of meeting her mother settled in as Carter sat in the undercover cop car with her eyes avoiding the woman sitting beside her as she fell tempted to study more about the woman who was her blood. She wanted to glance at her left hand and see if she possessed a wedding ring, she wanted to see if they had anything similar than eyes and hair color, she wanted to ask questions and see if they shared familiar traits. However, her own self doubts refrained from asking a single question. Instead, her eyes studied the gold badge resting on Olivia's hip as it peaked out from under her blazer.
Her numbers on the badge had changed since Carter received the contact card belonging to the detective and she wondered why. Carter was nervously pulling at the necklace around her neck as she moved the dangling C initial side to side with her head resting back against the seat. It wasn't helpful for her nerves as the cell phone in her pocket went off for the third time tonight. She pulled the phone out of her pocket and quickly sent the call to voicemail, mentally telling herself she would regret it later on.
While Olivia kept her eyes on the road, she could feel Carter's eyes studying from the side as she struggled to find any words to break the silence. She didn't want to force anything either, especially when the young girl already seemed apprehensive about her as a person. She wanted to ask if she was alright, but instead kept quiet as the difficult car ride continued. Olivia's ear caught the cell phone ringing as Carter's drew it out from her pocket and immediately silenced it, her heavy sigh allowing Olivia to ask a question for once.
"Is everything alright?"
Carter slipped the phone back into her coat pocket as she chuckled at Olivia's question. "Yeah... everything's fine." She lied with ease by covering it with a convincing smile before looking back out the window. Her shaky hand resting back on the chain to twist the cold silver under her grip.
Olivia didn't buy her answer, but she didn't press on anymore than that. She instead, nodded her head and switched on the seat warmer as the cool autumn chill left her shivering under the blazer. "So, you're a sophomore right? What are your favourite class so far?" She watched Carter's eyes from her side view as her fingers clenched the steering wheel a little tighter.
"Oh, well my school offers a lot of AP classes, so I get to take more than the boring core stuff. I took psychology last year and made an A in it, the study behind mental reasoning kind of got me hooked. Now I'm taking sociology as a college credit and criminal investigation." Carter wasn't surprised to watch Olivia's eyes fell from the road and glanced over to her as smirk grew on her lips. "That's a little ironic, huh?"
Olivia wasn't the least bit surprised to hear Carter was an excelling student, but the moment she overheard her taking criminal investigation, her heart skipped a beat. She believed genetics had to do with similar interests, but knowing her birth daughter who she had given up for adoption shared this left her stunned. "College credit? So, you want to go to college?"
"Yeah, I've actually been looking at a few colleges inside the city, but I have to see if I can save up enough to afford it." Carter's fingers mindlessly began to twist the chain in her hand as her nervous habits began to expose themselves. "First, I have to survive sophomore year."
"Understandable... but it's good that you're looking towards your future." Olivia could've used that as another nail in the coffin to nit signing over rights, but then again it would've been a selfish reason. At least in Carter's eyes. Olivia kept her eyes on the road as she followed the directions on her phone as Carter had placed the address in before driving off from the precinct. "So, the foster parents you live with now, are they nice?"
Carter refrained from the chuckle forming in the back of her throat as she contemplated on how to answer Olivia's question, but instead she bit the inside of her cheek and shrugged her shoulders. "The mom doesn't do drugs... that's a plus, the dads not really around since he's a truck driver and their thirteen year old is a peeping tom and three year old cries a lot. So, in the world of foster parents, they're better than most." She spit out most of the truth and avoided Olivia's worried gaze travel across the car. "Take a left at this corner, it's quicker."
The quick turn was manoeuvred by Olivia's hand as she followed Carter's directions instead of the GPS. Her eyes studying the small neighbourhood she pulled in and catching the rather sketchy surroundings with one swift glance. Meanwhile, she mentally prepared herself for meeting the foster mother that was looking after Carter, after all she seemed rather controlling by the three missed calls Carter missed on the drive home.
It wasn't long before Olivia pulled up to the home that was rather run down with a chain link fence running around it. The chipped paint on the panels was more exposed then the faded white, while the broken porch swing hung half way up and a few scattered toys sat on the porch. Olivia placed the car in park as she looked around to catch the men living across the street as their attention turned to Carter, who prepared to get out of the car.
"Thank you for the ride, I really should be heading in." Carter opened the passenger side door and swung the backpack over her shoulder as she turned to say her goodbyes. "If you could drop that by Elaine's office tomorrow, that would be great. She's usually in her office by eight-thirty." She shared a genuine smile with Olivia before catching her brown eyes one more time. "I... it was really nice meeting you, Olivia."
Her smile resurfaced as the kind words came from the young fifteen year old, the genuine smile allowing Olivia to see the kind streak rise from her daughter. Olivia nodded her head as she forced a heavy breath to escape her lips, avoiding the heavy cry she wished to let out instead. "Of course... it was lovely meeting you, Carter. You've truly grown into a beautiful young girl." She leaned further over the center console and watched Carter's hesitant step back, almost as if her eyes were yearning for more from Olivia as the connection between the two grew stronger by the minute.
"... thank you." Carter was going to slam the car door shut and never look back, but Olivia seemed to be striking her with more than kindness as she craved her kind words. However, the moment the front door opened and heavy footsteps landed on the creaking wood, she feared the worst. "You should go before it gets any later."
"Carter, I want you to call me if you need any help, alright?" Olivia caught a glimpse of the woman standing on the porch behind Carter, with her eyes on the young fifteen year old as she struggled to step away. The woman seemed angered just by the glare and clenched jaw, dressed in scrubs with an ID badge on but the moment her mouth opened yelling for Carter to come inside, Olivia felt the protective maternal streak rise as she shut the car off.
Carter was quick to act as she heard her foster mother, Linda behind her and with a quick turn of her heel she pushed open the chain linked gate and made her way up the porch steps. "I'm sorry I'm late, I didn't mean to be." She was quick to apologise as Karen was quick to show no sympathy towards her.
"I told you to be home by seven thirty. It's eight'o clock and I'm now running late to work." Linda's blue eyes were burning into the fifteen year old adolescent as she paused on the steps to be scolded. She wasn't aware of the separate pair of brown eyes watching from afar or the badge on the woman's hip.
"I said I was sorry, but of course that's never enough." Carter wasn't surprised to watch Linda's eyes go cold, but the slam of a car door left her looking over to see Olivia stepping out of the car. Shit. If Linda were to get any ideas as to Carter speaking to a cop, it would only lead to her getting more of a beating.
Linda's eyes carried over the teenager in front of her and caught the woman stepping around the car parked in front of her house. Immediately, she caught the badge on her hip and swiftly glanced to Carter once more, sending a look of regret for her quick outburst and gesturing towards the woman who stepped past the gate. "Who is she Carter?"
Carter fell silent under the fear of the woman in front of her and luckily, Olivia seemed to catch onto it rather intuitively.
"Hi, I'm Detective Benson. I'm sorry to keep Carter longer than expected but that tends to happen when I find a kid so interested in criminal investigation." Olivia acted fast on her toes to hide the truth from Linda, as she held her hand out to introduce herself and received a questionable stare. "Oh, I was invited by her teacher to speak at her criminal investigation class and when class was over Carter asked me a few questions regarding police work. We got a little carried away with the time, clearly... but it's rare to find a kid so interested in it."
Linda's arms crossed as she stood listening to the cop on her front porch and kept her mouth shut for the entire scheme leaving Benson's lips. She raised her chin to give a simple nod and kept her stiff arms crossed against her chest. "Is that right?" She glanced to Carter for answers and was quick to receive more answers. "Why didn't you call me?"
"I left my phone in my locker at school... my teachers aren't so fond of them and will take them up if they see them." Carter felt relief with her quick thinking and quickly received a tilt of her head from Linda. "I forgot it last week too, remember?"
Olivia was an empath on picking up tension around her and Linda was seething with calm anger at this point. She was watching her every move to make sure Linda didn't overstep her job as a foster mother, leaving Olivia to stand silently with a calm demeanour as she had to bear witness to the scene before her. "It's really my fault as to why she's late and I apologise."
"... Yes, well Carter is supposed to get home around seven to look after her foster brothers. You see my husband's often away with little money to send back. So, I work nights at a hospital a few miles out and use that to get food on the table for her and my kids." Linda had to cover up the slightest bit of anger by buying the cops sympathy and she plastered on a softer smile in hopes of doing so.
"I'm pretty sure my government check does that job for you when your hungover past seven." Carter found her sharp tongue defending her actions as Linda's eyes grew enraged by her comment, but with Olivia's presence so close she couldn't do anything.
Linda wasn't one to bite her tongue, but the moment Carter's comment left her lips she bit it so hard her tongue could've bled. She reached downward and grabbed Carter's wrist to drag her up the rest of the porch steps and pulled her back behind her. "Yes, well thank you so much detective. I'm just glad you got her home safe, I was so worried as to why she wasn't answering her phone." Her grip grew tighter on Carter's wrist before releasing her grip. "Dinners on the table Carter, you should go serve yourself."
The comment from Carter alone took Olivia by surprise as her quick wit was dancing off the tip of her tongue. So, Carter wasn't lying when she said her foster mother's choice wasn't drugs. Olivia mentally reminded herself of Carter's comment in the car earlier and kept silent. Her brown eyes watched as Linda was provoked at the side comment and attempted to cover it up with a forced laughter. It wasn't until Linda grabbed Carter rather aggressively that Olivia found herself silently enraged. She found herself wanting to say something in defense of Carter, but instead waited patiently for her to leave.
Carter knew her comment was going to lead to more than one bruise later tonight, which left her regretting her choice of words as Linda gave her a warning with the look in her eyes. Her wrist slightly throbbed under her grip and once she released, Carter found herself begging for Olivia to stay but there was no escaping her choice of words. She felt her throat tighten as she looked down the porch to catch Olivia watching the actions from her foster mother. "... thank you for your time detective. Have a good night." She was slow to step away but once she entered the house there was no turning back.
Olivia held the stiff breath in as she watched Carter say her goodbyes once again as the desperate streak to protect her only grew with the slam of the front door. Her heart ached the moment Carter disappeared into the home, leaving Linda alone with her for a few more desperate moments. She wasn't surprised for Linda to turn back around with a fake smile and waited for excuses to poor out of her mouth.
"I am sorry about her, but what can you do with a troubled little girl like that?" Linda was attempting to cover her actions as she uncrossed her arms and ran her clammy hands down the side of her scrubs. "She's had a lot of issues regarding authority as you can tell and I try my best to with her."
Linda's justified excuses were enough to make Olivia laugh as she shrugged her shoulders and glanced away from the blue eyed woman. "Yes, well... I don't think grabbing her is trying your best with a 'troubled girl.'" Olivia mindlessly mocked the foster mother as she received a simple stare from then on. "If she had so many issues regarding authority, I would think she'd want nothing to do with the criminal investigation, in fact her teacher wouldn't have told what an excellent student she was either."
"... Have a good night detective." Linda was quick to give well wishes to the detective as she dared to see through her, but Olivia wasn't going to let up.
"Mrs. Martin..." Olivia caught the woman by surprise as she read of the name tag resting on her scrubs. "I may not be able to do anything about that simple reaction just now, but if I catch any wind of her showing up to school with even a single bruise... you'll be sure to see me again." She watched as her blue eyes widened with shock and stepped off the porch steps. "Have a good night at work."
Olivia expected to hear the slam of the front door before leaving her sidewalk, but instead she heard the door shut softly as her words seemed to strike fear in the woman who dared to place a hand on Carter. She got back into the squad car and pinned the address to her phone, her eyes glancing back to the home to mentally take pictures in order to familiarise herself with the surrounding area. She caught the small mini van in the driveway and took a picture of the liscence plate as well.
Her antsy hands tightened on the steering wheel as her eyes stayed glued to the exposed window, hoping to catch a glimpse of Carter to make sure she was safe and unharmed. However, she couldn't sit outside the house all without an explanation. Instead, she pressed down on the gas and drove away from the home with her mind racing and not finding a single moment to slowing down.
While on the drive back Olivia clicked on the radio as she attempted to cover up the worry that was writhering throughout her entire body. Her entire mind focused on today's events that had unraveled... two and a half hours was all it took for Olivia to connect with her birth daughter. Meanwhile, her familiar heart ached from the Olivia Benson back in the late year of nineteen-ninety-five was resurfacing.
Olivia had just graduated from college and planned to join the police academy in the months afterwards and when she arrived at the academy, she got into a relationship with a fellow officer. It seemed to be going well the first few months, Olivia never felt safer then in that time frame as she had found herself falling in love. Why wouldn't she? He was handsome, charming and an all around gentleman. Until, she fell pregnant three weeks before being sworn in. He wasn't thrilled in the slightest and when he told her to abort it, she planned to.
With only being a few weeks along Olivia set up an appointment on Saturday in the early month of October. She was nervous the entire week leading up to that fateful weekend and when that morning came, she made her way to the clinic with bloodshot eyes. She told herself it was the for the best, but while Olivia walked to the clinic not far from her home she found herself surrounded by mothers and babies on the streets of New York. Her heart ached with every glance from the young babes as their soft cooing left a sickening felling in her stomach and once arriving to the clinic, Olivia broke down in the bathroom stall.
Olivia braced herself against the bathroom sink as she wiped away the fallen tears and washed her mouth of the vomit. The morning sickness seemed to rattle Olivia more than ever at that moment and it spoke volume to her. She glanced in the mirror to see her black stained tears trickling down her cheeks, she knew she couldn't go through with it. The baby might've been the size of a pea and carry no fetal heartbeat at the moment, but to Olivia the baby was a human... her human.
She left that clinic with nothing more than a complimentary mint as she took a cab ride back home as her nausea worsened with time. He was supposed to pick her up after the appointment, which left Olivia calling him at the time of her procedure and he questioned her immediately as to why she wasn't at the clinic. Olivia begged for him to understand, but imagine her surprise when he didn't.
It was that moment on Olivia knew she didn't want him to have anything to do with the baby, nor him.
As time progressed on with her pregnancy becoming more evident, Olivia found herself frightened at the thought of raising a baby all by herself. How could she afford it? She was behind on student loans, rent in New York was higher than ever and working as a uni carried little perks. Serena was the least bit supportive of her keeping the child and when the idea of adoption came up, Olivia was dead set against it. She couldn't stand the thought of her own flesh and blood being raised by another person, but with the due date inching closer and expenses for doctors visits and living for two set in, Olivia realised she wouldn't be able to give the baby a life deserved.
Olivia had many choices regarding adoption agencies and when promised her young baby would've been adopted. She had read over countless applicants of perspectives parents and found herself interested in a long term couple in Connecticut. The husband was a hard working lawyer who had a made a name for himself carrying his father's law-firm, while the wife was a elementary school teacher at a private school downtown. They had been married for nearly ten years and failed to have a baby of their own, but now could've been their chance. Olivia agreed for them to take her baby by the third trimester.
Her first few months as a uni were spent on desk work and interviews... she hated it. Olivia wanted to be a cop. However, she felt like she was being refrained from doing so.
Her maddening thoughts on the past were interrupted by the arrival back to the precinct as she put the car in park and made her way back to the sixteenth floor. It wasn't as crowded as usual, allowing Liv to make a short trip up the elevator and once back in her office she found herself being asked questions by most of the squad. Nick Amaro was the first to ask questions as his desk was in front of hers.
"Hey, where'd you go?" Nick caught the rather off look in Olivia's eyes as she tossed down the squad car keys and removed the coat on her back. "Was it about the girl that came here looking for you?" He seemed to catch her attention by mentioning the young girl and immediately, he felt as if he'd hit a nerve.
"... no, no." Olivia lied with her eyes breaking from his and glancing at the paperwork on her desk. "I forgot that I left some paperwork at home and needed to run home to get it." She used the release of rights slip in her pocket as the item in need and found her slumping into the desk chair. "Cragen wouldn't be happy if he found out."
Nick didn't buy it, but he want to push it with Liv and dig for further questions regarding the truth. He instead nodded his head and gestured to the time on the clock, "Well, lucky for you we're almost off the clock, looks like you'll just be heading right back home." Nick seemed to draw out some sort of laughter as Olivia began to shift the files on her desk around. "Wanna grab dinner before that?"
Olivia fought the urge to let her emotions get the best of her and instead, she raised her chin high and forced a laugh as Nick seemed to tease her a bit. She was preparing her desk for a night off when she heard Nick's offer and gave a thankful smile. "I'm not that hungry actually... I'll probably just head home and catch up on some sleep." She blew it off with believable exit and continued on.
"That's probably for the best, you worked this case harder than any of us." Nick pushed back his desk chair to return his mug to the rightful place on the bar. "You want some before you get off? It could give you the energy to walk home." He continued with the teasing as he held out his arms to offer up the gesture.
"Most times I'd accept, but I wanna be able to sleep tonight..." Olivia thanked him for the offer and switched off the desk light as her time on the clock was ending and once Nick's back was turned she slipped the familiar paper back into her pocket. Her eyes scanned the room for Amanda, but she was no where to be seen, neither was Fin. She glanced at their desk and saw them empty with no paperwork left, meaning they must've gotten off while she was gone.
Instead, she used her last five minutes to look into two familiar names that were burned in the back of her mind. Elaine Coleman and Linda Martin. The first name she typed into google was Elaine Coleman, which left her heading straight to social services website... she had been a social worker for fifteen years and worked in New York for the past ten, her ages ranged from thirteen to sixteen and mostly worked with young girls. The picture shown gave Olivia just a glimpse of who she would be meeting with tomorrow and she scribbled down the office number on a stick note.
The second name Linda Martin was more difficult to look into... she was a registered RN at Lincoln Medical Center in the Bronx, her husband Eric Martin was a registered truck driver. Linda had no rap sheet and neither did her husband, making them squeaky clean. However, Liv didn't buy it. She knew just because there wasn't much online, she could easily find something if she searched hard enough.
Olivia slipped the sticky note full of information in her coat pocket and shut down the computer with her time ending on the clock. She caught Amaro sharing a conversation with a uni and found it best to slip away then without raising anymore questions.
Olivia expected herself to fall asleep after her nightly routine of skin car and shower, but the moment her head hit the pillow she found herself restless with thoughts and memories clouding her every thought. She couldn't shake the thought of Linda grabbing Carter by the wrist, nor the anger that woman held towards her daughter... her daughter. It was difficult to call her that and yet, so easy because it was true. Carter was her daughter. She resembled herself in so many ways and Olivia could hardly believe it. Carter was her clone and truthfully more beautiful than Olivia could've imagined.
It made it more difficult to shake the erie feeling in her core as Olivia tried to unwind from the heavy day of emotions, but there was no way she could get Carter Benson off her mind. The paper waiting to be signed by Olivia was sitting on her nightstand with a black pen weighing it down and she'd found herself staring at it throughout the night. Olivia struggled with the thought of signing over her rights for a second time. After all, she'd done it once and that destroyed Olivia for years.
The day she had to say goodbye to Carter was the worst day of her life and she never wanted to relieve it. However, this moment felt as if she was close to doing just that. Her pain from fifteen years ago was assumed to be healed with bandaids protecting it, but that band-aid had been ripped from her skin and unleashed the emotional ties Olivia carried as her birth mother.
Her hand reached out fo grasp the phone resting beside her nightstand and as she checked the time, it read close to midnight. Her soft moan of frustration came out as she pushed herself off the bed and flicked on the light switch as her attempts to falling asleep were on thin ice. Instead, she found herself digging in the back of her closet to find a dusty shoebox that had been left untouched for fifteen years. She placed the shoebox on the end of her bed and slowly cracked it open to reveal the contents hiding inside. The first thing her eyes caught was the hospital wrist band resting on the top of the little pink baby blanket, her fingers slowly grasped the plastic band and caught the name and date of her birthday printed in faded black ink.
She felt all of the memories of that heartbreaking day flood back to her with just the simple touch of the bracelet as it was grasped in the palm of her hand. Her heartbreaking breath let out as she struggled to glance at the unfold the blanket, which used to carry the newborn baby scent Olivia adored. The touch of the soft cotton under her fingers left small tears to gather in the corner of her eyes and as she picked up the blanket, she was unaware of the photograph tucked between it that came out and hit the ground. Her immediate reaction was to clenched the cotton in between her fingers and hold it tightly, not wanting to let it go as if goodbye to Carter wasn't enough.
Olivia recalled the moment Carter was placed in her arms for the first and last time... she was wrapped in this exact blanket with her tiny button nose warming Olivia's heart. She wanted nothing more than to stay in that moment with her perfect little baby, but in the end she couldn't take her knowing she wouldn't be able to give her what she deserved. She was allowed to keep Carter for twenty-four-hours and she adored every single minute of holding her little girl.
Her eyes caught the photo resting by her feet and immediately the blanket in hand fell from her hand onto the bed allowing her to bend down and grab the photo. The moment she realised what photo it was... Olivia felt herself break. It was young Carter a few hours after she was born, swaddled in the exact pink blanket Olivia kept. Her dark brown hair was covered by the pink and white stripped baby hat on her head causing her little face to scrunch up. It was perfect... she was perfect. Olivia's fingers traced the chubby rosy cheeks as the tears fell from eyes to fall on the back of her hand and allow her to take a seat on the edge of the bed.
Olivia rarely succumbed to opening that box after that year, but she never got rid of it as it possessed the one photo of her daughter. She couldn't find the strength to rid herself of a painful wound when the meaning behind her child meant more than life itself. Yet, the idea behind her adoption stirred a discomfiting feeling as she struggled to wrap her mind around the reason she wasn't adopted.
None of it made sense as she clenched the photo in hand, but if one thing was certain Olivia wasn't going to let these questions go unanswered. Especially after falling witness to the foster mother caring for her daughter.