This story takes place about 6 months after those famous four words. It'll be short, probably two or three parts only.

Part One

RPOV

Tonight had been fun. Mia, Eddie, Christian and I had decided to hang out and play some games while Lissa was attending some royal party hosted by Queen Tatiana. None of us were important enough to be invited and I was pretty sure none of us actually minded. Lissa only cared because she did have to go and as the Queen's favourite there was just no excuse she could use to get out of it. At least Adrian would be there as well, though there was no guarantee he'd be in any state to hold an actual conversation.

It wasn't the first time we'd met up like this. These royal parties happened almost every month, and with Christian being the social outcast that he was, Mia not even being royal and Eddie and me still on Hans' blacklist and our endless desk-duty-punishment there was just no chance of us being allowed to attend. Thank God. Last month we'd gone go karting. Christian turned out to be a really sucky driver and Mia was surprisingly good. The month before that we'd had a movie night and had finally watched the last Avengers movie. Lissa didn't like superhero stuff so we hadn't gotten around to it yet.

As I walked across Court towards guardian housing I grinned, remembering Sparky's face tonight when he finally landed on Park Place, which was owned by me and had a hotel on it. There was just something satisfying about being the one who made him go bankrupt. Of course he set the money on fire as soon as he handed it to me, but Mia quickly doused it and either way, we all knew he lost. I left shortly after, not just because Christian was a really bad loser and kept threatening me, but also because I was supposed to be at my desk early the next morning and I had been trying lately not to give Hans any extra reasons to dislike me.

Normally Eddie would've walked with me, but he had the day off tomorrow and wanted to spend a little more time with Mia. Or well, that wasn't what he told us, but it was obvious there was something going on there.

I heard a door slam shut ahead of me and I looked in that direction, wondering who'd make so much noise when it was nearing midnight. As soon as I tracked down who the culprit was I froze right where I was. I'd recognize that tall figure anywhere, even if he wouldn't have been wearing that stupid duster.

We hadn't really spoken to eachother in months. Right after he decided to break my heart, I finally decided it was a good idea to stay away from him. It wasn't all that difficult to avoid him when I actually started trying. They had put him back on active duty but since they had given him patrol and guard-shifts and I was stuck at HQ I never actually saw him. I knew Lissa still met up with him regularly, but since I only saw her on my time off anyway it was easy enough to arrange things to make sure I didn't run into him. Especially since Lissa thought it was best if I gave him some space anyway.
The only place I'd been scared of running into him was at the gym, but it never happened and eventually I heard someone mention that 'The Russian' never used the main gym but instead went to one of the old small ones that hardly anyone used anymore because they were outdated.

We'd only seen eachother face to face on a handful of occasions since that day in church and he either ignored me completely or if he couldn't avoid it, greeted me in as few words as humanly possible. He used the right words and to an outsider it'd seem polite, but he was cold and distant and nothing like the man I once knew. To be honest I much prefered it when he said nothing at all. At least I could pretend he just didn't notice me. That still hurt but it somehow felt less personal.

I started walking again and was just about to turn down a sidestreet to take a different route back to my room, why would I stop avoiding him now after all, when I saw him stagger. I stopped and frowned. The Dimitri I knew was surefooted and wouldn't stagger on a perfectly maintained sidewalk in broad daylight. Now that I thought about it, he wouldn't have made so much noise either. Something was off.
I watched for a few more seconds and had just decided I was wrong when he nearly tripped over his own feet.

For a second I considered leaving anyway. It was none of my business why he was here and what was going on with him. Even if he wasn't fine he probably didn't want my help anyway. The idea of taking off and letting him figure it out for himself was tempting, but I mentally kicked my own ass and told myself to woman up. Yes he had hurt me a lot, and I still wasn't over it, but I was better than that. I just wasn't the type to look away and pretend nothing was going on. If he didn't want my help that was his choice, he could tell me that himself and I'd leave, knowing I'd done what was right. Even if it wasn't easy.

I sighed and crossed the street, approaching him slowly. When I was just a few yards away I called out to him. "Dimitri?"

I had no idea how, I'd never managed to sneak up on him before even when I was trying and I definitely hadn't been all that quiet now, but apparently I'd startled him. He turned around quickly, his eyes wide. And then he overbalanced and only just managed to put out a hand and steady himself against the wall beside him. What the hell was going on? If this had been Adrian I would've said he was wasted, but this was Dimitri. The guy who always behaved himself, the guy who never gave into his impulses.

Except for a few rare occasions of course, but it was best not to think about those.

He was still staring at me, eyes wide, mouth open and I took another step in his direction before asking: "Are you okay?"
He didn't answer immediately but then he blinked and he finally responded. A quiet murmur reached my ears. "Roza?"

I froze again, mid-step this time. I'd expected an impersonal greeting, cold and distant and perfectly polite. Or a glare and a harsh order to leave him alone.
What I hadn't expected was to be called by the nickname he hadn't used since before his restoration. The name he had only used in personal moments, a way of showing he cared about me. And even though his voice sounded small and hesitant, I hadn't expected it to sound so warm. So much like his old self.

For the second time in a few minutes I mentally kicked myself and told myself to pull it together. I was here to see if he was okay and if I could help. I would not let myself get all distracted and messed up again because he accidently called me Roza. Dimitri had made it perfectly clear how he felt about me and a simple slip of the tongue didn't actually change anything. I took a deep breath and walked closer to him, pausing when I was about a yard away.

"Are you okay?" I repeated.
He finally seemed to get back to himself a little and he straightened up and took half a step back. "'M fine, jus' going home."
Then he turned away from me and walked off, though not quite in the straight line he probably thought he was walking.

I was stunned but then quickly followed, catching upto him almost instantly and continued to walk next to him, several feet between us. "Are you drunk?" I asked in complete disbelief.
He shook his head, though that once again seemed to throw off his balance and he sidestepped before walking on. "No. Jus' go Rose, I'm fine."

The more I watched him, and the more he talked, the more convinced I was that he was absolutely smashed. Apart from the fact it was really out of character, I also wondered how in the world it was even possible. He'd practically grown up drinking that rocket fuel the Russians called vodka. Even if they sold that stuff here at Court, and funnily enough I'd never felt the inclination to find out if they did, I was sure it'd take more than a few glasses for it to affect Dimitri this much. And Dimitri Belikov would not lose control like that.

Getting drunk was for lesser beings, not for Russian Gods.

He stumbled again and I couldn't suppress a grin. "You are drunk." This was just too unlikely.
He remembered not to shake his head this time and just sighed before making an effort to speak properly this time. "I'm fine Roza, just go home."

I was still digesting the fact that he used that name again when he actually tripped and landed on his hands and knees. I shook my head to clear my thoughts and then crossed the couple of feet separating us. I held out my hand to help him up but he just stared and didn't actually take it. I sighed. "Come on, I'm just trying to help."
"You shouldn't help me. You should stay away from me."

Ouch, that stung. There was no heat to his words, they lacked the conviction they had held months ago, but that was probably just due to the amount of alcohol in his system. Here I was, offering help, trying to be the bigger person and this was still all he had to say to me. I wouldn't leave him like this though. He could say whatever the hell he wanted, but if someone else found him like this they'd report it to Hans. It'd be all over Court in no time and Lissa would hear about it as well. I was not about to let that happen.

I offered him my hand again. "Just take it and get up Dimitri. The sooner we get you home, the sooner you'll be rid of me." I could hear the resentment in my own voice but I didn't care. It wasn't like I'd forced him to drink and was the reason he was in this state.
He probably noticed my tone as well because his eyes searched my face before focussing on my hand and grabbing it. When he was standing he quickly let go and refused to look at me. I tried not to let the tingling sensation in my fingers nor the warmth I had felt for those couple of seconds get to me and just said: "Let's go."

We didn't talk as we set off towards the guardian buildings. It'd be a five-minute-walk at most and then I'd be able to leave again. With the way things stood between us, being in Dimitri's company was uncomfortable at best. I still wasn't sure how we'd gone from being in love to being awkward strangers who couldn't even stand to be near eachother. Or well, he couldn't stand being near me. Somewhere between him being taken, me doing everything to safe him and the mess of emotions that followed, we'd lost eachother.

I was so deep in thought I was only just in time to reach out and steady him when he tripped again. We'd only made it down one street so far and when I looked at him it was quickly becoming clear that he really was in no shape to walk any distance. I suppressed a sigh and moved closer, pulling his arm over my shoulder and moving my own around his waist so he could lean on me and I could hopefully hold him up.

It took all of two seconds for him to register how close I was and jerk away. I didn't say anything but just glared at him, putting all my annoyance and lack of patience in that one look. His eyes widened but he did put his arm back around my shoulders and we continued to walk. In the back of my mind I noticed he was shaking, but I was so overwhelmed by his proximity that I pretended not to notice.

I hadn't been this close to him, while he was dhampir, since that night. The cabin, the attack, the rescue mission. I hadn't felt his warm body next to mine, his arm around me, since we stood in the forest and he told me we'd figure things out, we'd make it work and we'd be together.

Oh and didn't that turn out just great..

The worst part about it was that even though I knew Dimitri didn't love me anymore, that he was only allowing this because he was drunk and I'd pretty much forced him into it, I still felt warmer and safer than I had in a very long time. Why did he still affect me this much? How could one person hold so much power over me when I meant nothing to him? While this short walk would probably haunt me for weeks, I wondered if Dimitri would even remember this when he woke up tomorrow. Probably not.

We made it to his building and he managed to direct us to his room on the third floor. When he struggled with the keys I pulled them out of his hand and unlocked the door, pulling him inside with me. I looked around the room and noticed it was even smaller than mine. The closest piece of furniture was a small couch, and even though I knew Dimitri would never be able to lie down on it, I dragged him towards it so he could sit. I wouldn't be able to support his weight for much longer.

What I didn't see coming was that when Dimitri dropped down on the couch, he'd pull me along with him. I had removed my arm from behind his back, but he hadn't let go of my shoulders and I landed right next to him, pressed against his side, one hand on his chest to steady myself. I could feel every muscle. The beating of his heart. The hitch in his breathing when he noticed our position.

He released me immediately and I scooted away from him, as far as that was possibly anyway. I would've gotten up but I was out of breath and the heady scent of his familiar aftershave was making me lightheaded. I heard Dimitri's deep intake of breath just before I felt a soft touch on my arm. When I looked at it I could see he was barely touching me, his fingers just lightly resting near my wrist. "You should go. You shouldn't be here."

Hurt flashed through me. I didn't look at him but instantly fell back on my usual attitude. "Wow, so much for a thank you. Next time I'll just leave you on the street, hugging the sidewalk. Good to know you'd even prefer that to my company, though I guess I shouldn't be surprised."

I pushed myself up and towards the door. For the shortest of moments I thought I felt his fingers brush the back of my hand, but I decided I must've imagined it. He was right, I shouldn't be here. He'd made that clear more than once and even in these circumstances I shouldn't have expected anything else. I'd done what I'd set out to do. I helped him, I got him back to his room and now he could do whatever he wanted. And I would go home and hope I wasn't too much of a mess to catch a few hours of sleep.

My hand was on the doorknob, apparently one of us had closed it behind us when I dragged Dimitri inside, when I heard him. "Roza.."
I turned slowly, unable to leave without looking at him now that he'd once again used that stupid nickname, but scared of what I'd see at the same time. I didn't want to watch him, see the lack of feeling in his eyes as he'd tell me again to stay away from him.

But when my eyes reached his face all I saw was pain and regret. I had been about to ask him what he wanted, but the words died on my lips and I just stared. He swallowed heavily and tried to run a hand through his hair, but his coordination was still not right and he hit himself on the forehead instead. He looked down at his knees, no longer meeting my eyes as he whispered. "I'm sorry. So sorry. But you shouldn't be around me Roza.. It's better for you if you aren't around me."

Wait, what?

I stood there for a long time, my hand still on the door, trying to digest his words and figure out their meaning. He hadn't sounded angry or annoyed this time, just.. broken. Dimitri didn't look up, he didn't move, I wasn't even sure if he was aware that I was still here. He just sat there, looking down, unmoving.

Until I saw a single tear fall down and land on his jeans and then his shoulders started shaking.

I crossed the three steps back to the couch instantly, crouching down in front of him, trying to look up into his face. "Dimitri?"
He didn't reply but his shoulders started shaking harder and more tears fell as he curled in on himself. I wasn't sure what I could do, not wanting to upset him more but unable to stay away when he was hurting. I finally settled for putting my hand on top of his.

I'd been afraid he'd push me away, but to my surprise he instantly turned his hand and grasped mine. His grip was so strong it was almost painful, but I didn't mind. I held onto his hand as tightly as he did mine, the first real contact between us in forever.

Without moving my hand from Dimitri's I got up from where I had been crouching and sat down on the couch next to him, close enough that our legs were touching. When he still didn't move away, I slowly reached out and tried to push his hair behind his ear so I could see his face. That did finally cause him to look up, not to me but towards the ceiling. His hair fell back and I could see the pain written on his face, etched on all of his features, his dark eyes full of tears. My heart ached from seeing him like this and without thinking I brushed a couple of tears from his cheek and whispered: "Oh comrade.."

For a moment he looked at me, our eyes connected, and then he broke. The strongest man I knew, the man who had come back from hell and somehow, although changed, had managed to survive and keep himself together, finally fell apart.

He seemed unable to keep himself up and collapsed, half against the couch and half against me. Without hesitation I pulled my hand out of his and instead wrapped my arms around him. He buried his face in my neck and stayed there, crying silently while his body shook. His tears soaked my sweater while I held onto him, tears of my own running down my cheeks while I occasionally stroked his hair or his back but mostly just held him. Eventually he calmed down a little but he still stayed where he was. He even put his arm around me, keeping me in place.

We must've sat like that for at least half an hour, if not longer, before he finally straightened up and looked at me. He lifted his hand to my face and oh so carefully brushed my cheek. I shivered at his touch and he quickly pulled his hand back, regarding me carefully. When I didn't pull away he once again reached up and this time caught a lock of hair that had come loose from my ponytail and tucked it behind my ear. It was such a familiar gesture, and yet so foreign. He hadn't touched me like this in almost a year, and I had no idea what it meant.

His eyes roamed my face and eventually his gaze lingered on my lips. That was when I pulled away, my arms falling to my sides. I wasn't sure what had just changed between us, but I couldn't continue. Dimitri was exhausted from the breakdown he'd just had and I had no clue how much the drinks he'd had earlier were still affecting him. Whatever might've happened, I didn't want it if it was a result of booze and out of control emotions. I didn't want him to kiss me and then possibly not even remember it tomorrow because he was much further gone than I knew.

I didn't want to be meaningless.

I didn't look at him but got up and said: "Let's get you to bed."
I felt cold the instant I moved out of Dimitri's reach but I ignored the urge to return to his arms. When I looked back at him I could see he was confused, but he didn't press the point. He got up, still a little unsteady, but he didn't need my support anymore as he made his way to his tiny bathroom.

He turned on the tap and then the sound of him brushing his teeth reached me. I quickly walked over to his kitchen, splashed some cold water in my face to clear my head and then dug through his cupboards until I found a glass and some painkillers. He'd need them in the morning.
By the time I'd found what I wanted and filled the glass with water, Dimitri had staggered out of the bathroom and gotten in bed. He seemed much more in control of himself as his eyes followed me around the room. I moved out of the kitchen towards him and put the glass and the pills on his bedside table.

I took a step back before I looked at him. "Goodnight."
His eyes held mine before he answered: "You too. And thank you.. For tonight.. For everything."
I searched his face but the sincerity I saw there just added to my confusion. I didn't trust myself to speak and just nodded before turning and heading out. Just before I walked through the door I looked back and saw that Dimitri had closed his eyes. It wouldn't surprise me if the combined weight of alcohol and a mental breakdown had already made him fall asleep.

I quietly stepped out and made to shut the door. Just before it closed, a whisper seemed to follow me out. I wasn't sure if I was meant to hear it. Hell, I wasn't even sure if it was real. But if it was, and somehow I thought it was, it sounded a lot like this: Ya lyublyu tebya moy Roza.

I might not speak Russian, but I had picked up enough in the past year and a half to know the meaning of those words. And after all he'd said before, they just made no sense at all.

Author's note: So I haven't written in a while, but this story wouldn't leave me alone and thus I finally decided to write it down. With the queen alive and no crazy jailbreak I wondered what it would take for Dimitri to open up to Rose. To do that I figured he'd need to lose control, which usually only happens when he's angry or when he's worried about Rose. But then.. drunk people are supposed to tell the truth right? :P

What do you guys think?