Any hope his brats had at coming off as respectable, died a horrific death as soon as Bakugou was sorted. It was like watching an octopus getting boiled alive. Bakugou lit the fire. Hagakure fanned the flames. Kaminari made inappropriate comments. Midoriya was the octopus. Sero made more inappropriate comments. Uraraka tried to save the octopus by pouring oil over the entire thing.

He didn't even know why he'd bothered hoping for anything else.

At least his brats had been sorted fairly evenly between the Houses. True, the combination of Bakugou, Hagakure, and Uraraka in one house, and Ashido, Kaminari, and Kirishima in another was worrying. And, because apparently life liked to fuck with him (or maybe that was just the sentient hat) so was Midoriya and Bakugou being put in the Houses with the greatest 'rivalry.' And Tokoyami getting sorted into 'Raven'claw was a cosmic joke. And he had no idea how Sero had managed to land himself in the House where the defining traits were supposed to be intelligence and wisdom. And how, Todoroki was supposed to work with plants when every single one on the curriculum was sensitive to either the heat or the cold, he didn't know. And he really had to tell Kaminari that no, the giant spiders in the forest weren't there as a food source and Asui really had to stop joking about it with a straight face because Kaminari actually believed her-

"Earth to Eraserhead," said Takami and Aizawa gave him the flattest look he could muster.

"The students will be fine," said Yagi. "I am sure Hogwarts' faculty will do their utmost to keep them safe."

"Yeah," said Takami with a grin. His wings stretched once before settling down. "Did you know they've got this sport where they fly around on magic broomsticks? There's even a ball that goes out of its, way to knock kids off of their brooms-"

"Hawks," said Hakamata warningly and the young hero let out a laugh as his wings fluttered behind him.

"Just joking," he said cheerfully. "Not like I'd let any of them actually fall, you know?" Though his voice stayed cheerful and bright, his smile died down into something more solemn. "Seriously, though. They'll be fine. I mean, four pros for twenty kids isn't a bad ratio."

Yagi shuffled awkwardly on his feet, and Takami rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, I know you're retired but you're still All Might. They still listen to you and half of the trouble kids get into at school's because they don't listen, yeah?"

"True," said Hakamata. "We'll keep them safe," he added and both Yagi and Takami nodded enthusiastically.

"The entire school's a safety hazard," Aizawa couldn't help but point out. "The staircases move without warning. Students practice magic that can cause explosions if done wrong, with no supervision. There's a forest less than a fifteen-minute walk from the front doors that's called the Forbidden Forest because, apparently, they've got poisonous man-eating spiders that live there, and that's discounting the other potentially hostile and dangerous creatures."

"Don't forget the sport where they fly around on broomsticks with no safety measures whatsoever."

"Hawks."

"We're already here," said Yagi almost gently, ignoring Hakamata scold Takami, as he watched Aizawa in something that was an odd mix of fond and concerned. It was uncomfortable at best and downright annoying at worst. Aizawa resisted the urge to rub a hand over his face and scowled instead as Yagi continued, "The only thing we can do now is our best."

As if their best had ever been enough.

Still, logically speaking, he wasn't wrong. Aizawa reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of papers.

"These are the schedules for each House," he said as he passed them around. "All of the core classes, with the exception of Astronomy, takes place as a sort of joint class where two Houses take a subject together. We need to work out a schedule about who's attending which class. We've got permission to attend as long as we aren't disruptive but McGonagall, Snape, and Umbridge didn't seem pleased so keep that in mind."

"Yay," said Takami as he took a schedule. "School. I love school. I don't actually have to listen, do I? I heard History's taught by a literal ghost and that he's awfully boring."

"How do you already know that?" asked Yagi.

Takami winked cheekily. "I've got my sources."

"What he means to say is that he's a terrible gossip," said Hakamata dryly as he looked over the schedule himself. "Potions with Gryffindor," he mused before he looked up at Aizawa. "Would you like to take that class or should I?"

"If you would," said Aizawa. "Hogwarts students have electives right after which means I have to prepare my own class."

"That's tough," said Takami. "Anything else we've gotta know? Like, any of your kids allergic to toads or something? Do I need to bring them to the nurse's office if they start turning blue and purple?"

"Regardless of whether they have any allergies or not, yes, you should bring them to the nurse's office if they start turning blue and purple. Preferably quickly," said Aizawa dryly. "That said - Yaoyorozu has confidence issues so look out for that. If you think she's looking too down, point her to Todoroki. They get along well and he usually manages to encourage her enough. Ise tends to disappear if he feels overwhelmed but he usually shows up again in less than five minutes so you don't have to worry about that. If he doesn't show up even after you call for him, get me or Hakamata. You know how to deal with Bakugou," he said as he turned to Hakamata, "so things should go fine in Slytherin, but Uraraka and Bakugou tend to get ridiculously competitive over the stupidest things so keep an eye out for any escalation. Hagakure might cause some trouble without Ojiro to keep her in check, but a stern talking to should keep her from doing anything actually stupid."

"As for the kids in Hufflepuff," he paused as he squinted at Yagi. "... Fuck. You've got the mostly sensible ones. I want to switch."

Yagi clutched his schedule closer to his chest. "No thank you."

"... Midoriya's in Gryffindor."

"Is that supposed to convince me?"

Aizawa raised an eyebrow. "I thought the Problem Child was your favourite?"

"I don't have favourites," Yagi lied blatantly, "and regardless - young Midoriya breaks his bones every other week. I believe that with his luck-"

"His lack of self-preservation you mean."

"-it might… escalate. Hogwarts being a magic school and all."

"Fuck," said Aizawa as he scowled down at the list of students that have been sorted in Gryffindor. If any of his kids ended up on a broomstick flying after (or away from - he felt that was far more likely) sentient balls, it would be Midoriya. "I hate when you're right."

"Look at the bright side," said Takami cheerfully. "At least the giant snake that lived in the girl's bathroom was killed three years ago."

"What."

Takami - the little brat - grinned up at him as his wings fluttered behind him. "Didn't you know? There was this giant snake - basilisk, I think, huge, poisonous, kills-you-with-its-eyes kind of thing - that went around petrifying kids-"

"No. Just no."

A/N: I'm sorry for the late update! I was a bit busy with school so didn't have time to write. That plus I've been working on my other fic as well so this, being much lighter and, to be honest, more of a fic I wrote just for fun, got pushed aside until I was done with that.

I'll try to keep my profile updated to reflect my posting 'schedule' so if anyone's ever curious as to why a chapter's late, check there and it should have an explanation. That, and hopefully, a note as to when you can expect the next chapter.

That said: replying to guest reviewers! (for everyone else I've sent a PM as a reply to your review - I've heard some people don't check their profiles so I thought I should let you know :))

to hElLo: the fic is set in Harry's fifth year (I can't believe I forgot to mention that!) so yes, Umbridge will be making an appearance. I have Plans for her ;)

As for Kirishima and the blood quill - huh. I've never actually thought about that. Though I can tell you many, many people are going to be mad when/if a member of class 1-A gets detention.

Thanks for reading and taking the time to review!

to needabettername: oooooh, yes. I absolutely love your ideas! They've been added to the list of scenes I want to write :)

I can't promise they'll show up soon since I do want the fic to have at least a vague plot/timeline so I need to find somewhere to fit them in, but I can promise I will be using them. In fact, one of your scenes ties in quite well with one of the items on my list, so all I have to do now is figure out the 'when'.

Thanks for your lovely ideas (my sister and I both thought they were great) and I love long comments and new ideas so don't hesitate to offer! Thanks for reading and reviewing!