Kiana Kaslana was a girl with a mission.

It was, as befits a scion of House Kaslana, a noble and righteous mission upon which rested the fate of the world, the happiness of its children, and possibly a lap-pillow from Mei. Indeed, there could be no question of the purity of her intent. No question that she fought for truth, for joy, and for justice.

(Especially justice, considering Bronya was her—unwilling—second-in-command).

Her enemies, conniving traitors that they were, had arrayed themselves before her: each stood tall and firm across the dark linoleum floor, spatulas and sauce-pans and kiddie-stools held unwaveringly steady. She eyed them one by one, fingers itching on the triggers of her water pistols: the statuesque Major Himeko, the faintly nervous Seele, the tiny and terrible Principal Theresa.

Each one was an army unto herself, a Valkyrie fit to tremble Odin's halls, but Kiana had a greater power than any mere temporal glory on her side: she was hungry.

She took a step forward, Bronya watching her from her seat at the dining room table and offering a single thumbs-up.

"No, Kiana," said Theresa, pointing the kiddie-stool up at her, "you know the rules. The kitchen is out-of-bounds to House Kaslana on pain of homework."

Kiana shuddered as if struck.

"Principal!" she whined, resolve faltering under that dreaded, Damoclean threat. "That's not fair! I'm huuuuuungry!"

Theresa's stare, sharp as sunlight refracting off the ocean, only intensified. "Don't be a baby, Kiana."

"At least I'm not as tall as one," Kiana whispered under her breath, folding her arms mulishly.

Unfortunately, she had forgotten that the only reason Theresa wasn't an S-rank Valkyrie was because she kept refusing to take the promotion—so 'under her breath' to someone like Kiana was effectively the same as screaming it in Theresa's ear.

"Ki-a-na," came a voice like the whisper of steel from a sheath, "speaking of homework, I think it's time for some remedial survival training."

Then Theresa threw the stool at her face at somewhere in the vicinity of Mach 1.

Kiana, of course, was an idiot. You need only look at the last five seconds to come to that conclusion. But she was an idiot in very particular ways. Most of which involved cute girls.

In others… well, there was a reason why a stool thrown by one of the cutest deadliest warriors on the planet at somewhere approaching the sound barrier was actually quietly caught by the mechanical arms of Bronya's Project Bunny projection somewhere behind her as Kiana ducked out of the way just in time. You know, as opposed to splintering all over her face.

"H-Hey!" Kiana stabbed a finger in Theresa's direction, ignoring Seele's scandalised gasp and Himeko's raucous laughter. "Major, Major, did you see that? This is assault! Child abuse! Abuse by a child! Protect me!"

She dived toward Himeko, trying to use her as a human shield and incidentally get closer to the kitchen, which by this point was wafting out the delicious smell of frying dumplings—Himeko just stepped out of the way as casual as can be and bonked her on the head with a gloved fist. Kiana hit the floor with an exaggerated thump, white pigtails flopping like snakes.

"Go back and set the table, Kiana," was her merciless reply. Truly, the universe had it out for the Kaslanas. Not a single ounce of sympathy from any quarter. "The twins will be over here soon, do you want them to be the ones doing it?"

Kiana paused from where she was shoving herself back to her feet, and imagined, briefly, what the dining room would look like after five minutes of Rozaliya holding a knife and ten minutes of Liliya trying to clean up after her. Her whole body shuddered in horror.

"Okay, okay, I'm going!" she said, and sprang into action—straight toward the gap that Theresa had inadvertently left between her and pale, dark-haired Seele as she advanced on Kiana with fingers flexed like claws. Rozaliya and Liliya were brave soldiers. They would understand that Kiana was sacrificing them for a brighter, food-filled tomorrow. "Going for Mei's dumplings! Ahahahahaha! Kiana Kaslana, going ahead!"

Theresa swiped at her while Seele dived out of the way, but Kiana was a girl with a mission and she would not be stopped by something as petty as the fair and reasonable rules of the dormitory. She slipped under Theresa's arm, the billowing sleeve of her habit kissing the top of Kiana's hair, and—

—slammed face-first into a brick wall. Six brick walls. Six brick walls made out of mountains.

She slid to the floor, dazed, and blinked heavily to clear her eyes. When she looked up to see what she'd run into, she sawawawawawawawawawawawawa.

Valkyries are rebooting. Please wait warmly.

Eventually, Kiana's brain climbed back up into her head, and she remembered how to think human thoughts again.

T-those dastardly villains! Not content with barring her access to the kitchen with a legion of Valkyries, they had made a dread pact with powers beyond their control just to keep her out! Did they have no appreciation for the suffering of pure and innocent Kaslana maidens?!

You see, the Dorm Kitchen Squad Phantasm—Himeko, Theresa, Seele, Bronya, and Rita—had a secret weapon up their sleeve in the event of a containment breach. A one-hit, guaranteed knock-out punch designed to slay Kiana Kaslana without mercy or restraint. A technique even more forbidden than the legendary seven-star swimsuit Mei.

Behold:

Hall Monitor Fu Hua, A-Rank Valkyrie and the hottest thing there is.

Stepping out of the kitchen.

Wearing a suit.

She crouched down to look at Kiana face-to-face, reaching out with satin-gloved fingers to tilt Kiana's chin up gently until their eyes met. Her voice was soft. Smooth. Like the cool kiss of a summer breeze. "Kiana? Are you okay?"

Kiana passed out.

(Not so) high above, Theresa quietly pumped a fist. "Teri-Teri, flawless victory!"

"But Magery, it's actually Cooking With Valkyries!"

You fool. You plebeian. You absolute buffoon.

Why do you drink?

Because you're thirsty.