Mid-fight he heard his mom's voice.

"Ben." Her voice was soft, but strong. For a moment he thought he saw her. She had that look in her eyes, the one she had when she knew she was about to win an argument. Her determination had always been unparalleled. And then it was like she was looking back at him, and she did the unimaginable; she smiled. He could feel what she was feeling: hope, love, and most overwhelmingly, forgiveness.

And then his mind was quiet.

For so long there had been a cacophony of competing voices in his mind. He had stopped trying to untangle which thoughts were his and which came from an outside source. Snoke voiced his doubts about the Light, his family, and his own self-worth. His grandfather promised that if he followed his example, he too could be powerful.

Killing Snoke didn't stop the voices. His grandfather's voice continued to guide him, which he thought meant that he was still on the right path. There was also that new voice. The voice that was behind them all. Palpatine–

He felt her weakening. Somehow his mom had used the last of her strength to free his mind.

She was gone.

Battle forgotten, Ben dropped his lightsaber. And it was Ben. Kylo Ren died the moment Leia Organa did.

He felt a sudden searing pain in his abdomen. Rey was holding the lightsaber he dropped. Distracted by his mom's death, Ben had forgotten the fight, and she had stabbed him.

"Leia," Rey whispered. She disengaged the lightsaber.

He didn't have the strength to remain standing, so he let himself sink to the ground. He knew he was dying, and while Rey was the one who killed him, he wasn't angry. He didn't know if it was because of the shock or his newly free mind, but he felt calm. Maybe that was his mom's last gift to him. He got to die as Ben Solo.

Rey came to him, no longer fighting, and she knelt next to him. Through the bond, which was now wide open – anger, fear, regret – he felt the tumult of her emotions.

Regret was a feeling he knew well. He caused so much pain for the people who loved him. Imperfect as it was, he now knew that his parents had loved him. He wished he could go back and do it all differently.

But it was too late.

The roar of the waves crashing faded and it was like being in the vacuum of space. He could still see her.

Rey.

She reached for him. He wondered idly if his mom taught her to heal, but he let that thought go. Even if Rey knew how to heal, he was too far gone. It was enough that she was here with him. Selfish as it was, he didn't want to die alone.

He tried to focus on Rey, but there was an unpleasant twisting sensation, different from the sharp and hot pain of the lightsaber wound. Was this what dying felt like? He closed his eyes, attempting to block out the growing nausea.

Finally, the twisting stopped. Ben felt disoriented, but the pain and nausea were gone.

Am I dead?

"Ben," his dad's voice rang out.

Ben sucked in a shocked gasp. Afraid of what he would see, he turned to face the voice and opened his eyes to his worst memory. His dad was in front of him – alive – looking just as he did moments before he died. Moments before Kylo Ren killed him.

He had been transported from the wreckage of the second Death Star to Starkiller Base. Instead of dying in the midst of a violent storm on Kef Bir – Rey at his side – Ben was on a familiar walkway. One that he had seen in his nightmares a thousand times over.

Was this his punishment? Was he to relive the worst moment of his life? Forced to make the same terrible mistake over and over again?

Something felt different somehow. Ben opened his mouth to speak, but no sound came out. He was frozen.

The silence stretched.

His dad moved towards him.

Ben remembered being surprised by how much older his dad had looked. He'd wondered what had aged the man so much. Was it time? Or was it the pain of knowing what his son had become?

"Take off that mask. You don't need it." His dad stopped, staring hard at the mask as if he could burn though it with the force of his gaze alone.

"What do you think you'll see if I do?" Ben choked the words out, barely able to repeat the words he said in what felt like another life.

His dad took another step towards him. "The face of my son."

Ben breathed a deep and steadying breath, and then he removed the mask.

His dad jolted at the sight of his son.

Ben wondered what he saw. Without the mask he felt like an open wound. "Your son is dead," he said in a quiet voice. He said it like an apology.

"That's what Snoke wants you to believe, but it's not true. My son is alive." His dad's words were kind, and while he sounded so determined, Ben could sense the doubt. He wanted to believe in his son, but he didn't know if he could. Ben remembered proving he couldn't.

"You're just a memory," he said, unsure whether he wanted to extend this moment with his dad or end this exercise in futility. He couldn't change the past.

"I'm here, son. Come home."

Desperately, Ben wished he could go home. "It's too late. You're gone."

"No, it's not too late. Come home with me. We miss you."

Ben wanted to believe that he could go home. "I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it."

Ben dropped the mask and he took out his lightsaber.

"Dad—" Ben stopped.

He couldn't do it again. Unlike his nightmares, Ben felt more in control of his actions. He wasn't a silent observer forced to relive his worst act over and over again. This time he refused.

Ben looked down at the lightsaber and was assaulted with visions: the red glow of his lightsaber reflected in his dad's eyes as their light went out; Snoke's voice, the deed split your spirit to the bone; a forest filled with bodies; himself, as he brought back his blade ready to strike–

Ben realized how tightly he was squeezing his lightsaber, his body full of tension. He knew what needed to be done.

He let go of the lightsaber and watched it fall far beyond his reach. He would never spill blood with that lightsaber again.

When he looked back at his dad, he saw surprise and relief.

"I have done terrible things," Ben admitted in a quiet voice.

His dad, now standing in front of him, cupped Ben's face with his hand. "Come home, Ben."

The emotion was too much. He didn't deserve the hope he saw in his dad's eyes. Not when Ben knew what he had done. Ben averted his gaze and nodded.

Ben followed his dad, and his mind raced with possibilities. Could this be real? Or was it a vision?

Chewbacca's roar broke though his thoughts.

Stormtroopers were firing at him.

His dad shot at the Stormtroopers, and someone else was providing cover from a higher level. Ben reached automatically for the lightsaber that was no longer there, but he didn't need it. He pushed out with the Force and threw the Stormtroopers back.

"Thanks," Chewbacca said, speaking to Ben for the first time in years. Then he set off a detonator.

Ben remembered this. The Resistance was about to take out Starkiller Base. They needed to leave.

"Let's go," his dad said.

His dad tugged on his arm, so Ben followed, running in step with him. Chewbacca followed behind them.

By the time they got onto the Millennium Falcon, Rey was already there, heading towards the cockpit.

"What's he doing here?" FN-2187 aimed his blaster at Ben.

Ben hadn't noticed him. He ignored the former Stormtrooper – and the blaster he was pointing at him – to focus on Rey who was now facing him. Their eyes met for a moment before she looked away. The bond between them was pulsing. He wondered if she felt it too. Ben wanted to make up for everything he had done to her. He wanted—

"There's no need for that," his dad said, waving the blaster.

"That's Kylo Ren! Of course there—"

"We need to go," Ben said, cutting him off. There were bigger problems, and his mind raced with possibilities of how this could go horribly wrong. What if Hux found them? What if they all died when the Resistance blew up Starkiller Base?

"I am not following your orders anymore," FN-2187 said.

"Finn, he's right," Rey said.

At her words Finn gaped at her. Ben imagined that he wore a similar look on his own face.

Rey placed her hand on Finn's blaster, pushing it down, and Finn let her. Rey continued, "We need to get out of here."

"Not with him we don't." While the blaster was no longer pointing at him, Finn was still gripping it tightly.

His dad interjected. "It's my ship and I decide who flies on it. Either you get off the ship and find your own way out, or you leave with us. All of us." He looked at Chewbacca and nodded in the direction of the cockpit.

Chewbacca nodded back and left. Ben hoped that they would be able to take off soon. He heard the familiar sounds of the start up procedures.

Looking at his dad, Finn said, "You don't know what he's done. He's a monster."

"I am." Ben agreed.

Finn stared at Ben. Rey was staring too. It may have been his imagination or wishful thinking, but he thought that Rey looked saddened by his words.

"Ben's coming with us," his dad said, sounding tired.

"Ben," Finn said the name like he couldn't believe that anyone would call Kylo Ren by such a non-threatening sounding name.

Rey stepped towards Finn. She lowered her voice; her words for Finn alone, but Ben could still hear her. "There isn't time for this. We need to get out of here before the whole place blows."

Ben wished he could see what her face looked like in that moment, but it was angled away from him. He was amazed by how accepting she was being about him joining them. She had just escaped him. Last time, when they fought on Starkiller Base, she had been so angry with him.

"Kid's right," his dad said. "We all need to leave. Now."

And, oh, Ben realized. That was the difference. His dad was still alive.

"Fine," Finn said.

His dad, done with the conversation, walked towards the cockpit.

Not knowing what else to do, Ben followed. He looked back, trying to meet Rey's eyes again, but she had already turned away and followed Finn in the other direction.

Being on the this ship again was surreal. His dad looked at home flying the Falcon, and Ben drank in the sight. The last time he sat in the co-pilot's seat was when he was a child, before he was sent away.

"You came with us," His dad said, interrupting Ben's musings. Chewbacca had left, saying he needed to check the engine, but Ben knew it was an excuse to give them some time alone. He was glad for the privacy.

"You sound surprised."

"I—"

"I'm surprised too," Ben said, facing forward, looking out into space instead of at his dad. "I could have killed you."

I did kill you.

"But you didn't. That's what matters." His dad squeezed his shoulder.

"It's not enough. Finn was right when he called me a monster."

"I don't see a monster when I look at you."

What would you see if you knew I killed you?

"I don't understand why you want me to go with you," Ben said, which wasn't quite what he wanted to say.

"Because you're my son." He said it like that was enough, like that was all that mattered. Ben felt a familiar anger growing. Why hadn't that been enough when he was a child? Why didn't they want him then? Ben took a deep breath and exhaled. He had no right to still be angry with them, not after everything he did to them. But even as he released the anger, the old pain, twisted and ugly as it was, still remained.

Ben took a moment to gather he thoughts. He couldn't dwell on his feelings. Whatever was happening – a vision, time-travel, or something else – he needed to make a plan. Already enough had changed that he didn't know what would happen next. How would the First Order react to his disappearance? What would the Resistance do with him?

"Bringing me back to the Resistance will cause problems."

"Your mom can his handle those," his dad said. And he sounded so sure, but Ben always knew when his dad was bluffing.

"I don't know how to face her again," he said, his voice sounded small. There was so much he wanted to say to her — apologies and thanks. He wanted to thank his mom for what she did for him in her final moments, but he wouldn't be able to because she wouldn't remember.

"I'll be there with you."

Ben squeezed his eyes shut. It was too much. His dad's acceptance. His relief. His happiness. This is how it could have been. This is how it should have been.

"I need some time. To think."

Ben saw his dad's disappointment.

"Okay, kid," he agreed. "I'll be piloting my ship." He gave Ben a long look, like he was hesitant to let him leave, but he turned away as Ben walked out of the cockpit.

After aimlessly wandering for what felt like ages, Ben found himself in the engine room. He was sitting down – legs in front of him and back against the wall – thinking.

This had gone on for too long for it to be a vision. Was it real? Was his dad really alive?

He felt Rey approaching before he saw her. The bond felt strong.

For so long he had fought to have her rule by his side. The vision of them ruling together was everything he wanted. He thought that if he could make the vision come true, everything would have been worth it. Ben knew they could achieve so much more together than either of them could dream of ever doing apart.

It was never going to happen; Ben saw that now. She would rather kill him than turn.

Rey stopped a couple meters away from him.

"Rey," Ben said. He looked up at her, admiring the way she met his gaze dead on. Here he was, the monster who she had just escaped from, and she was approaching him without fear. "I'm sorry," he said, looking at her intently to see her reaction.

"What are you sorry for?" Her words were abrupt and the question sounded like a test.

There were so many things that he was sorry for, but there was one that was gnawing at him. "Hurting you."

Her brow furrowed and she asked, "Which time, Ben?"

He startled at her use of his name. "All of them," he said in a rush. He felt a sudden surge of hope and he was tempted, just for a moment, to push into her mind and learn what she was thinking, but he knew he couldn't hurt her like that again. Instead, he asked, "Do you remember?"

"I remember you hurting me," Rey inhaled sharply, "but I remember hurting you too." Rey leaned towards him, staring at the spot where a lightsaber injury should have been. She reached out with her hand for a moment, and then before she made contact – like she thought better of it – Rey closed her hand into a fist.

He felt some of the tension leave his body. He was relieved that she remembered too; not only was he not alone here, but with her help he had a chance to make things better.