A/N: Sorry in advance for the exposition dump. It's not my favorite way of doing things, but I thought it was time to get caught up on Rachel's POV, especially for things to come.

Chapter 7: Liar, Liar, Virgin on Fire

Rachel thought she would have appreciated the drama of a secret boyfriend—and she did—but the burden of secrecy far outweighed the thrill. Ever since the disaster that was her Friday night date with Jesse, Rachel felt like she was suffocating under an avalanche of all the things she couldn't say. And there were so many things.

First, there was the Jesse of it all—the other half of her clandestine Romeo & Juliet affair. The continuation of their covert relationship had been unexpected to say the least. Rachel wasn't used to being actively pursued by anyone, and she'd be lying if she said she didn't enjoy the attention. Jesse was cute and smart and just as talented as her. Oh, and a senior. A senior. Senior! But a senior at Carmel High and the lead vocalist of Vocal Adrenaline, which was obviously problematic. Rachel had long resigned herself to the idea that a prospective romantic partner might wish to keep their relationship quiet, but she never expected that she would be the one with something to hide. Not only did they have to keep their relationship secret to protect her place with the New Directions, but it would also derail Rachel's plan—a plan she wasn't even sure she wanted to follow through on anymore.

The plan was another one of the many things threatening to suffocate Rachel. When she met Jesse, she'd been immediately drawn to him, and who could blame her? (See: cute and smart and just as talented as her. And did she mention that he was a senior, because…senior!). Still, even with the wonderful distraction that was Jesse St. James—the appearance of whom just happened to perfectly coincide with her unceremonious dumping by one Finn Hudson—it wasn't that easy to forget the first boy she ever loved.

Originally, the plan had been to parade Jesse around her ex-boyfriend to show him what he was missing, make him see the error of his ways, and give him a reason to fight for her. Then her traitorous teammates served her with the ultimate ultimatum that ultimately derailed her plan. Give up Jesse or give up the New Directions; it was an easy decision to make.

Or so she thought.

To the average outsider, it would've appeared that Rachel's plan had played out perfectly. Even before learning of Jesse St. James' involvement, Finn had come crawling back to her of his own volition. Though she was secretly pleased, Rachel knew that the ease with which it happened only proved that Finn was just as mixed up as ever. Had she taken him back without question, who's to say he wouldn't have changed his mind a day or two later? No, thank you. Finn would have to prove his love—sacrifice himself on the altar of dignity or whatever that cute kid from 10 Things I Hate About You had said. So, she waited. Not that it took very long…ish.

Finn had immediately outed her to Mr. Schue and the rest of New Directions resulting in their ultimatum and yet another reason why they all felt justified in thinly veiling their jealousy of her talent with hatred.

Again, most people in the know would've thought she'd be ecstatic with her situation, but Rachel felt oddly empty. Sure, by flying into a jealous rage and telling on her, Finn had unwittingly told on himself; Rachel was satisfied in the knowledge that he wanted her, but it all happened too fast and was easily explained by Finn's concern about the group's chances at Regionals. Simply put, it wasn't enough. (It sure wasn't a public serenade à al Heath Ledger, that's for darn sure). But with the ultimatum, Rachel was stuck.

Alterations to the plan were needed but, as she drove to meet Jesse to end their relationship in person (doing so over the phone was tacky, and she couldn't risk burning a bridge with a potential future connection, especially given Jesse's talent and ambitions), Rachel was struck by the futility of it all. As much as she loved Finn, Rachel had to admit that her relationship with Jesse was easier even with the ultimatum in place. With Jesse, there was no need for tests or plans; he wanted her, and that was that. So, when she arrived at their previously agreed upon time and meeting place, Rachel had come right out and asked him about his intentions—something she could never see herself doing with Finn. And, despite the anxiety that came with being so vulnerable, Rachel had never felt more at peace.

Thinking she'd found a second chance at love and a way to keep her position in the New Directions at the same time, Rachel thought she'd finally have it all, but she should've known better. For her, life, love, and happiness would never be that easy.

Her third problem was Finn. Not 24 hours after her meeting with Jesse, she'd marched up to her ex-boyfriend with a carefully constructed lie on the tip of her tongue and was immediately blindsided by Finn's declaration: "I want us to be together, Rachel, a real couple." Sure, it had been sandwiched between selfish excuses for his behavior during the previous two weeks and insulting her couples' calendars, but it was probably the best she'd ever get from someone like Finn.

The wheels began turning in her head on their own, already plotting and scheming without any conscious direction from Rachel, herself. Until she remembered Jesse. How sweet and open and honest and warm he'd been from day one. How he'd promised never to hurt her and agreed to keep their relationship private for her. It was enough to give her pause. She needed to think this through, really weigh her options—options she wasn't used to having. So, she stammered and mumbled something about being a "team player" and silently endured Finn's self-assured rejoinder, waiting until he sauntered away before ducking into the nearest bathroom where she could have a panic attack in peace.

From then on, the panic hadn't ceased. Finn or Jesse. Jesse or Finn. Should she give up her first love for something new that had yet to disappoint her but had all the potential of going down in flames considering their places on opposing teams? Or should she return to Finn, someone who'd hurt her consistently all year, stringing her along and toying with her emotions, but was at least somewhat approved of by the club she'd committed herself to? For some reason, Rachel felt like she was putting a puzzle together and she didn't have all the pieces, which only served to make her panic more.

It was her endless panic, perhaps, that contributed to her fourth and final (and certainly biggest) problem: the Friday night date disaster with Jesse. More specifically, after the date when Jesse tried to convince her to have s-e-x.

Rachel was a virgin. And, from what she could gather, Jesse was…not? For as long as she could remember—weeks, at least—Rachel had planned on losing her virginity to Finn Hudson (also a virgin). Naturally, she was justifiably confused by how much she wanted to give in to Jesse in that moment. The rate at which everything was progressing was enough to give Rachel emotional whiplash, making the panic still bubbling under the surface rise to the top and spill over. Of course, that was nothing compared to the emotional eruption that followed her refusal and Jesse's subsequent hasty departure. The entire ordeal reminded her of a similar occurrence with Finn at the beginning of their courtship—both incidents ending with Rachel left alone, in tears, wondering what she'd done wrong. Only in this case, she knew.

Or, at least, she thought she did.

Rachel desperately needed to talk to someone. Get everything off her chest and figure it all out, but her dads were not an option, her "friends" would destroy her if they found out she was still dating Jesse, and the boy in question wasn't returning her texts. It was in moments like these that Rachel desperately wished she had a mother or motherly figure (Ms. Pillsbury had been decidedly unhelpful in this area). So, she took a risk.

Initially, the risk proved futile. The ladies of New Directions were habitually unhelpful and purposefully so. Rachel wasn't sure what she'd expected. It did, however, result in Mr. Schue's involvement which not only (hopefully) buried Rachel's motivation in her peer's memories but also served as inspiration for their next club's theme: Madonna.

"Genius" was the word Rachel used when Mr. Schuester asked them what came to mind when they saw the name Madonna written on the whiteboard. The word was applicable to the singer, of course, but that hadn't been Rachel's first thought. In fact, she wasn't quite sure what her first thought had been since a slew of cascading thoughts hit her all at once. Her use of the word "Genius" had more to do with a gem of an idea created by all those thoughts—an idea that could potentially solve the Finn portion of her multi-tiered dilemma. Because when Rachel thought of Madonna, she thought of a large catalogue of songs and, as the boys—Finn, in particular—voiced their reluctance to pay tribute to the 80s icon, one song especially stood out to her. It was through music that Rachel best expressed herself in every aspect of her life and, with this song, she would throw down the gauntlet and challenge Finn to do the same.

So, when Noah firmly stated, "I just don't think her music translates to show choir," Rachel took that as her cue to prove him, Finn, and everyone else wrong. She hopped out of her seat, marched over to band to whisper her selection, and then marched to the center of the room. With her hands on her hips and an unrivaled air of confidence, she locked eyes with Finn as the first notes of "Express Yourself" began to play…

Rachel was pleasantly surprised when the other girls of New Directions eagerly joined in and even more surprised afterward when they offered to help her put a performance of the song together as a legitimate option for their Regionals set list. Just when Rachel thought she couldn't be any more surprised, she found herself agreeing to meet up with all of them at the mall during lunch to search for costumes.

The mall…with Quinn, Santana, and Brittany, three girls who would normally rather be dead than spend their free time with her, especially somewhere like the mall. That place was practically sacred to them and their kind, but they were willing to risk being seen there…with her!

And the surprises kept on coming when Quinn, of all people, recommended they return to school to work out legitimate choreography in between costume alterations completed by volunteer seamstresses Tina and Mercedes (with assistance from an overly eager Kurt).

By the time the club reconvened later that day for the full performance, Rachel was practically flying. No slushies, no snide comments from Santana (or anyone else, but especially Santana), no looks of disdain from her fellow glee girls. It was perfect.

So, of course, it couldn't last.

Given her intention for choosing "Express Yourself," Rachel was understandably disappointed when she focused on Finn's response from the audience and found it…lacking. Actually, "lacking" would've been preferable. Instead, he seemed to be intentionally looking at anything and everything but her and the other girls as they performed. For a good twenty seconds, something on the ceiling acutely held his attention like nothing had ever done before.

Intelligence and competent lyrical analysis had never been Finn's strongest suit, and Rachel had long-since accepted that. From his behavior, however, she could only assume that he knew what she was doing, and his reaction spoke volumes. He was expressing himself, and she finally had her answer. It was disheartening, sure, but it was enough to make her realize that she needed to forget Finn and channel her efforts into repairing her relationship with Jesse.

If only he'd text her back.

After a long night of tossing and turning interrupted with the intermittent checking of her phone, Rachel eventually gave up on getting anything resembling a decent night's rest and headed to school early. In an attempt to avoid all thoughts of Jesse and his silence, Rachel took refuge in the choir room and busied herself by configuring Madonna mash-ups. By the time students started arriving, Rachel had put together an upbeat number of "Borderline" mixed with "Open Your Heart." Her stomach turned when she remembered that she didn't have anyone to sing it with and even more so when realized exactly what message her exhausted subconscious had created.

Naturally, she couldn't sing this with one of the girls. Noah was certain to be a hard "no" with some possible profanity thrown in for good measure. Kurt might do it, but he'd probably be reluctant to do it with her. That really only left Finn and, based on his behavior the day before, Rachel wasn't sure he'd be willing. If he was, she shuddered to think what he would make of the song's message.

Just as she'd resigned herself to asking for his help and was in the midst of coming up with the perfect excuse for her song choices, she spotted Finn stalking toward her, all 6'4" of him barreling in her direction with an intensity that took her by surprise.

"Finn," she greeted breathlessly, "I was just coming to find you."

Finn came to a halt on the opposite side of the piano, completely still and uncharacteristically stony, though his nostrils were flared. Still, Rachel persisted, trying to ignore the unsettled feeling in her stomach.

"Look, I know that the boys were a little uncomfortable about this Madonna assignment, so I figured you and I as co-captains could do a little mash-up of a bunch of her songs just to show everyone how cool it can be."

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Finn muttered, brushing her off. Then, with narrowed eyes, he asked the one question she never thought she'd hear even as she dreaded it: "Look, are you still dating that Jesse kid?"

For perhaps the first time in her life, Rachel's mind went completely blank. Only a moment, though. In the space of a breath, she was hit was endless possibilities of what she could say, how he'd react, and what would ultimately happen. Visions of being kicked out of the club made her dizzy.

"N-no, no," she stammered. "Who-who told you that?"

Because, of course, that's what matters…

But Finn wasn't having it. "Look, I know things have been weird between us, but I never thought you'd lie to me."

Oh, frickity frackle snacks!

"Look, please just don't tell anyone," she begged.

"Unbelievable!" Finn exclaimed, throwing his hands up.

He turned around, and Rachel was struck with the strangest sense of déjà vu. If history had taught her anything, Finn was moments away from running to spill her secret to the rest of the club.

"We may not be together the way that Jessie and I are, but we can still be friends!" she pleaded. "I-I'm asking you, as my friend, to trust me."

The look on his face killed her. She wanted to be angry because…who was he to feel betrayed after everything he'd put her through? But something in his eyes stopped her. Maybe it was the glassy sheen in his eyes or the way he couldn't seem to meet her earnest gaze or the way his jaw clenched together, and his nostrils flared—all classic signs of Finn trying to keep it together, trying not to cry.

"Fine," Finn decided, finally gaining enough control to look at her. "But if this leads to something bad for all of us, don't expect any more friendship from me."

Without waiting for her response, Finn walked away. Thankfully, he headed toward his drum kit instead of the hall.

Her secret was safe for now.

"Noted," she said, more to herself than him. She took a deep breath and plastered on her best and brightest show face. "All right, let's rehearse, then."

Like the night before, Rachel also spent Tuesday night tossing and turning and checking her phone. She was desperate for a text from Jesse, even more so than any of the previous nights. After her conversation and practice with Finn that morning, Rachel's brain had been in a constant state of short-circuiting.

Why was it that whenever she decided to move on, Finn chose that exact moment to get interested? Why was it that Finn's mysterious revelation had somehow heightened the tension between them? She could understand if the tension had been unpleasant, but it was almost…

"No, you can't afford to think like that," she whispered to herself in the dark sometime around midnight.

If only Jesse would text her; save her from falling back down the rabbit hole called Finn Hudson.

In a last-ditch effort to banish Finn from her mind, Rachel slipped out of bed and retrieved the Care Bear from the drawer she shoved it in Friday night during her second fit of tears. Now, five nights later and struggling to fight off a fresh wave, she burrowed beneath her mountain of blankets and curled her body around the stuffed toy. Eventually, she fell into a restless and uneasy sleep shortly before dawn and after hours of counting tears instead of sheep.

When Rachel woke up a few hours later, her messaging inbox was—surprise, surprise—empty. It remained empty as she got ready for school.

Ever since Jesse had failed to return her text Friday night, Rachel had been plagued by various scenarios of what might have happened to him. Now, each of those scenarios invaded her thoughts again as she prepared herself to face another day at McKinley. Jesse's car in a ditch as she washed her face. Jesse leaving Friday night and immediately finding another girl to have s-e-x with as she brushed her teeth. Jesse not caring enough to break up with her and choosing to let her figure it out herself as she stood in front of her closet, searching for an outfit. Jesse making fun of her with the rest of Vocal Adrenaline on the way to school. Jesse…

Rachel's train of thought was interrupted by the vibration of her cell phone alerting her to an incoming text message as she was opening her locker.

It was from Jesse!

In her haste to open the message, Rachel dropped her books, earning her a few snickers from passersby and drawing Finn's attention from a few lockers away. She gathered up her belongings as quickly as she could and shoved what she didn't need into her locker before returning her attention back to her phone.

Jesse: McKinley library. 5 p.m.

The gleeful shriek escaped her lips before Rachel knew it was coming. She glanced around nervously after her outburst and had the decency to look ashamed (or at least pretend to) when she caught Finn's suspicious gaze. Her cheeks burned red as she offered him a small smile and fled down the hall, feeling Finn's eyes follow her but missing how they landed on Santana once she turned the corner.

5 p.m. couldn't come soon enough.

The library was dark when Rachel entered. She had already spent the last hour and a half avoiding Finn's steely glare and barely managed to sneak away once they were released for the evening. After all of that, she was bound to be a bit jumpy, and the darkness wasn't helping. Maybe, just maybe, she wasn't cut out for this clandestine, cloak-and-dagger stuff—romantic or otherwise. So, when a book seemingly jumped off the shelf of its own volition, Rachel was understandably startled.

Slowly, she reached down to pick up the book—it's not a ghost, it's not a ghost, it's not a ghost—and silently willed her heart to stop racing as she turned it over in her hands.

"Sondheim on Music," she muttered to herself, reading the cover. Then it hit her, and she gasped. "Jesse," she hissed. "Is that you?" Her eyes flew to the shelf from which the book had fallen and slid several books aside, revealing Jesse's face.

After having spent the day preparing what she would say when she saw him, Rachel's mouth went dry, and she couldn't form the words.

Jesse took advantage of her silence and started. "I'm so glad you came. I picked the Stephen Sondheim biography section for our clandestine meeting place, because only he would be able to express my melancholia."

Anyone else would have found the entire situation to be silly. Everything from his words to his facial expressions as he spoke was overly dramatic. Rachel, on the other hand, appreciated the theatricality of it all—the message, the place, the method, each word and gesture—everything about Jesse and this situation reminder her of how perfect they were for one another.

But then his expression changed, and she caught the genuine regret buried beneath the surface when he said, "I feel bad about what happened at your house." He paused briefly and the playful seriousness was back. "Do you still have my Care Bear?"

Rachel nodded. "Yes."

She wanted to join him in his melodramatic banter, but there was something more pressing on her mind. As she continued talking, she barely noticed his sigh of relief.

"Since we're meeting in the shadows, there's something I wanted to talk to you about."

Jesse's gaze, which had dropped down as she spoke, snapped up to meet hers as he insisted, "Me first," effectively cutting her off. "I was out of line the other night," he continued. "You deserve more than that. You deserve romance. No, you deserve epic romance."

There was something endearingly cheesy about that, but Rachel loved it. She smiled shyly and struggled to meet his intense gaze. No one had ever said something like that to her before. She didn't know what to do or say in return. Jesse took her silence as a sign to keep going. As he spoke, he moved down the aisle and crossed over to hers, leaning up against the shelves.

"I feel badly that I pressured you into…you know…going all the way. I'm willing to wait. You tell me when you're ready. And I'll make sure that I'm fastidiously groomed," he promised, finally coming to a stop in front of her. Gently, he reached out and tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear, caressing her cheek with his thumb as he did. The second he touched her, something flashed behind his eyes that was unfamiliar to Rachel. She was so caught up in identifying it that she missed the slight upward tilt of his mouth and his sharp exhale.

"What did you want to tell me?" he asked, jerking her from her reverie.

With everything that happened the last few days, to have him standing there so close, touching her like nothing had ever gone wrong; it was all too much. The warmth of his hand as he stroked her face, the unfamiliar emotion in his eyes, the subtly spicy aroma of his cologne, the magnetic pull between them…everything. Jesse consumed her. She couldn't think straight. Logically, Rachel knew she was too young, but every fiber of her being was screaming out for him, wanting him. Both sides battled for dominance, scattering Rachel's thoughts and feelings around like leaves in the wind. But she'd been silent for too long; he was waiting for her to speak.

Hesitantly, Rachel opened her mouth, unsure of what was about to come out. "I-I'm ready," she lied.