oOo

Chapter 1 - Without You

"I don't want to be violent… or have people be violent towards me."

It hurt when people told him he couldn't live by those rules. They told him the world was cruel and in order to survive, he had to be equally aggressive. That wasn't in his nature. It wasn't easy living with a family of offensive spatial mages, not when abasement was all he could hear.

What is that pathetic magic?!

You can't even beat your younger brother!

He was always pushed around and told his magic wasn't good for anything. He grew up believing he was nothing more than a courier or a gopher for their needs. With his weak and expendable magic, what else would he be used for? He had lost his confidence and his only drive to escape that reality was to make the best of what freedom he had.

The one who had the most fun in life won…

But Finral was wrong.

Even if he enjoyed his freedom, he was simply avoiding his responsibilities. They never let him forget that. They forced him to join the Magic Knights Exam, and it was a miracle that he got three Captains to raise their hand. Yami was one of them. Finral chose the Black Bulls because they were a new squad with a new captain. They didn't have well-established rules or a great number of people. It was the best idea he had (at the time) because no one expected anything from him; and because there were no standards to follow, he could be anything and no one would care.

He was high noble, thus well-learned and resourceful.

But again, it didn't matter.

To the people around him, Finral was known as the Black Bull's pack mule. It wasn't particularly insulting, not when it's true. He did nothing but errands or he'd port Yami or civilians around when necessary. He was used to it. It was fine, but when his status became a burden to his family, they disowned him. His carefree attitude quickly melted, burying him in despair and confusion now that he had been abandoned.

The Bulls worried when Finral came back one day without greeting anyone.

It didn't take long for gossip to reach their ears.

Such a shame!

What a disappointment!

A useless, eldest son of House Vaude!

What would you expect from a pack mule?!

I pity their house…

It seems the younger son would take the responsibility then…

It was the talk of the kingdom because the Vaude were famous, rare spatial mages. After Yami had figured things out, he spoke to Finral to do some damage control. Finral told him he would change his last name to 'Roulacase' and start over. He even jokingly told Yami that he would quit so the team wouldn't be burdened or their reputation tarnished any further.

But Yami never cared for titles.

Fighting isn't the only way to defeat an enemy.

You do things your own way.

Those words lifted Finral's spirit, because Yami had raised his hand for a reason. If Yami saw potential in him, then Finral clung to that hope. It helped anchor him for a time… to know that he was needed and useful; it felt like a great relief.

Yami listed all the good things Finral had done.

Finral helped port Yami wherever he needed to be. He saved citizens that needed to be evacuated. He filled in as temporary vice-captain when no one else attended those tedious meetings. He handled the reports, he knew political maneuvers that Yami couldn't think of, and he did paperwork for their damages, costs, and even partially helped with recruitment.

But even if Yami listed these, Finral denied it.

"If you transported me too late, I'd be dead." Yami stated. "Same for everyone else you moved. You even helped me file Gauche's transfer papers even if you thought I was crazy for recruiting an escaped convict. So don't tell me that ain't worth something…"

Finral broke, "Anyone could do that."

"That anyone is you."

His chest tightened when Yami yammered on about how he knew the tricks and trade inside the Magic Knights or how he could talk his way out of a situation instead of fists and fury, or even how well he memorized most of the things that Yami allowed to fly through his ears.

After Yami's speech, Finral was touched.

Someone cared.

Yami ruffled his hair and told him to get a grip.

For a time, it kept Finral grounded. To hear some of his accomplishments and usefulness to the team was gratifying. Yet even if that were the case, a lingering shadow continued to eat him. Slowly, Finral lost that confidence and energy. Even if he strived to be better, it was constantly thrown back at his face— whether it was his family or not— that it impacted him in a way he didn't think it would.

It hurt.

He didn't want to disappoint anyone, but he was stuck in a pit. He couldn't do any better. Still, he didn't let it take what little fun he could get. Finral flirted without commitment, he let the insults fly through his ears, and he lived for his friends. However, he didn't realize the constant pain that he kept a secret was building up.

He didn't realize until it was too late.

Like a long stretched out sigh, the numbness faded over time and he was beginning to feel overwhelmed.

Then, Asta came into their lives.

Finral started to feel something again.

A sense of thrill, fear, and… excitement? Finral didn't think it was possible to feel that way. A boy with no magic still sought after his dreams even if the whole world was against him. It made Finral jealous. Why was Asta so strong-willed while he wasn't? It was only then that he realized how painful his life truly was, that hiding behind that forced smile was nothing more than a broken soul waiting for some purpose or meaning.

I'm going to be the Wizard King!

That was Asta's dream.

But what did Finral want?

His emotions, bottled up, were like a dam waiting to burst.

Finral tried to make sense of it, and it was just his luck when his father invited him back. Finral thought there was a ray of hope in the lifeless clouds. In his excitement of a possible good news, he didn't tell Yami or the Bulls where he was going. One of his flaws was trusting too much. Going back to Tota was a mistake. His father only wanted to see the progress he made because of the incident in the Royal Capital.

When Finral wasn't able to give out any information other than two of the Black Bulls (Asta and Noelle) had helped, his father dismissed him.

"Honestly," Ledior voiced. "You haven't changed one bit."

When his father realized there was nothing salvageable about him, he bid Finral a good day and sent him out the door. After that degrading, godawful day, Finral wondered why he was fighting it? Why was he fighting himself? He should've known better… he wasn't going to change… it was impossible.

What was he doing for the last six years?

Finral closed his eyes.

Maybe he should just give up.

oOo

The incident in Nean was the last straw.

Yami dragged him out of bed and made him port them all the way to the caves outside of Nean, only to find themselves locked in a battle with the Eye of the Midnight Sun. Yami called him his ride, and Gauche continued to yell at him throughout the whole thing.

Their words hurt.

After all, jokes were half meant.

Finral endured the struggle of porting all the children back to their respective families, all while he battled the pressure of his fears and the moral rightness of saving his friends. He overcame it when Gauche had bowed to him in respect; he had even begged it of Finral, which wasn't something Finral experienced often.

Actually, not at all.

It caught him off guard.

But when the fight had ended and they had won the battle, Finral thought it was over. Yami was back, play-arguing about usefulness with Asta as he had him by the head. Finral hated violence and sought to stop it by trying to calm everyone down. Why, because they were all high from adrenaline, not like he was. But as Finral approached, hands raised in surrender, he didn't expect them to turn on him when he said that they all worked together.

"Yeah, except for you!"

That stung.

Finral voiced out in defense, but it wasn't really to defend himself but more to convince himself that he helped. They didn't listen. Gauche continued on about Marie until he told Finral to hurry up. Finral, resigned, said he couldn't port them… not until he recovered enough mana to do so.

They just turned their backs on him.

"Don't make Marie wait!"

"Honestly," Yami huffed. "You're so useless."

Finral had gone silent after one last protest about their cruelty. How many times did he hear those words in that very sentence and tone? He really couldn't escape it, could he? He lowered his eyes, glad that they were too busy with the enemy to notice his silence. He hung back, his chest tightening. He told himself over and over that it was just a joke meant to lighten the mood.

But why didn't it feel like it?

After Yami bound the enemy with his Dark Magic, they still had to wait for Finral's mana to recover. It wasn't that easy. While Finral was a patient guy in general, the three with him weren't. He didn't flinch when Yami yawned and asked him if he was ready.

Finral knew it was coming.

"Please wait a little longer." He said. "I used up a lot of mana."

Yami and Gauche both expressed their irritation and impatience. Finral called them out on it, but Yami went on, showing Finral that he really wanted to leave the cave. "Don't let it bother you." Yami said, his tone made it hard to distinguish if he was mocking or not.

Gauche was easier.

Finral retaliated in the only way he knew how. It was to point out the obvious. He spoke about Gauche's mana exceeding his, which Gauche just blatantly ignored. Then Asta decided to speak up and Gauche began to argue with him. Finral was forgotten. It was a relief, because at least Finral didn't have to endure the pain of being their target for their… twisted humor.

Then again, it was too good to be true.

Yami's stomach growled.

"I'm hungry," He voiced. "Can't you bring me breakfast with your Spatial Magic?"

Finral had been used for errands before. It wasn't new. It just wasn't funny anymore. In a defeated tone, he replied, "I'm not a delivery service." Yami expressed his annoyance again. It's not like he was the only one who was hungry. Finral felt it too, and he was sure Asta and Gauche probably felt the same way. He went quiet again.

The gnawing feeling in his chest was back.

It hurt, it really did.

Suddenly, Finral felt a shift in space, leaving him no time to dwell on his emotions. Yami was apparently looking at the same direction. After a second, Gauche noticed it as well. Only Asta had difficulty since he had no concept of what mana was. They all stood up and Asta followed. Finral was right about the shift in space as someone used Spatial Magic to enter the cave.

Reinforcements.

The fight happened so quickly. Finral had no time to process when Raia copied Yami's spell and Vetto destroyed half of Yami's sword. When Yami started protecting all three of them, Finral felt guilty. How would he prove his usefulness if he couldn't even get them out of a horrible situation?! Because of him, Yami had to divide his time in fighting and protecting them.

If only Finral was stronger…

Thankfully, the other captains arrived just in time. He felt relieved. However, he got distracted when Gauche asked who they were. Finral said he should be more interested, because honestly, this was their job. When Gauche said he only cared about his little sister, Finral made it known he was surprised Gauche even knew his name.

In the back of his mind, their taunting still whispered like tiny demons.

He tried to bury them by explaining to Gauche and Asta, who was listening, who the captains were. It served to distract him from his guilt and fear. The fight continued and Finral tried to stay aware enough to get out of trouble should there be any. But then, Yami called his name and gave them a task. Finral was exhausted and he wanted to go home, but Yami had other ideas; one that would take Finral's life away if it could.

Yami asked him to port him high above the enemy, which Finral did. Finral nearly had a heart attack, because the enemy turned straight at Yami. He was the first to notice, and his scream called everyone's attention. But Yami wasn't fazed. This was his plan after all. Asta came and they double teamed until the leader was knocked out.

It wasn't over.

Mana spiked and a strong concentration of magic filled the area.

Finral panicked, he felt guilty. Was it partly his fault for causing this mess? He knew this magic would take them down and Nean along with it. He cried out, saying he shouldn't have agreed to go with Yami. That he should've been more assertive and said no… but he was a coward and he would always be a coward.

"I wish I didn't join this squad!"

It was half-true.

He was afraid and confused and his emotions were all over the place. He didn't want to die. Not yet. Not when he hasn't made a single progress in the last six years. He couldn't die yet. Yami yelled at him, told him to shut up and suck it. They were going to surpass their limits. Finral didn't believe it. How could he? Yami had been telling him that for years.

It never worked.

Not for him.

Why would it do so now?

When Asta and Gauche agreed, Finral was confused. "You're all insane!" Gauche even had the nerve to tell him not to give up. Where had he been the last couple of years when Finral needed the encouragement? By some miracle, they survived. Finral's heart was still beating fast. Asta cried out that they did it. Finral agreed, but Gauche ruined the illusion.

"You didn't do anything."

Right.

He didn't.

When Asta passed out, Finral was generally worried. He knelt down and shook Asta. Yami walked up to them and ordered Finral to get Asta some help. Finral shouldn't have asked why. He already knew what the answer was.

"You need to be of some use."

Why?

Why did it still hurt even when Finral knew it was coming? In his exasperation, Finral called out that he had been useful the whole time. Why couldn't people understand that? Could they not hear themselves when they talked? Yami just dismissed him, making Finral's world spin.

What was all that crap about surpassing your limits or doing things your own way when it was just going to be dismissed as useless?

Finral didn't understand.

It hurt.

oOo

As they went back home, Gauche and Yami's words were replaying in his mind over and over.

He couldn't get rid of it.

Those weren't the only words that he boiled over. Everything from his childhood up to this point echoed in his head. Useless, coward, ride, wimp, carefree, pathetic, shame… those were the words that best described him.

It was no wonder no women wanted him.

Who would?

That's not true!

You're a wonderful mage, Finral.

Finral felt his heart ache. She would think so... but if only she knew what kind of man he was… she'd be disgusted with him too. Besides, Finesse was out of his reach. She had been for a long time. There was no need to dwell on her. He should be happy. Finesse would be with Langris, someone who was better than him and Finral knew she was in safe hands.

He trusted Langris.

You bring shame to House Vaude, Brother!

We'll appoint him as the new heir.

He's vice-captain now…

You're just the Black Bull's pack mule.

I hope you're fine with that.

Finral closed his eyes and tried not to dwell too much into the past. He was so tired… so tired of hearing it. He stared at the floor, feeling his chest tighten… even his breathing had halted just a little. He was tired, he told himself. There was a solution for that, one that had been on the back of his mind for a long time. It popped up every now and then when the hurt grew, but now… now maybe it was time.

"It was a good thing Finral was there to port Sister and Gauche to safety!"

His thoughts were interrupted when Asta animatedly mentioned him in his storytelling.

Right, they were talking about the mission. He forgot. The Bulls were gathered around the couch, listening to Asta and occasionally some addition from Noelle and correction from Gauche. Yami was busy relaxing and reading his newspaper, but it was obvious that he was listening too.

Asta had stars in his eyes. "Isn't that right, Finral?"

Finral nodded and Asta's story continued.

"Sweet Asta." He thought.

Asta was the only one pure enough to pull at his heartstrings, but it was too late. Even if Asta continued his storytelling, Finral wasn't useful enough to catch anyone's attention. He was just that… an extra. He was forgotten as easily as he was mentioned in passing. A frown made its way on his face that he didn't realize that the story had stopped and people were staring at him.

"Are you okay?" Asta asked.

Of course they noticed, because he wasn't smiling anymore.

The Bulls started nagging and Finral felt overwhelmed. Even Yami had turned from his paper to speak a sentence or two about what the hell was wrong him. "I'm just tired." Finral assured everyone. "Mana drain… I just need to rest. Don't mind me!" He politely excused himself with a laugh fake enough to fool the others, but not Yami and Asta.

He didn't care though.

Finral heard the others comment about his weaknesses. Useless, wimp, lazy… Finral walked out of the room before he could hear any more.

He knew no one would miss him anyway.

oOo

Yami wasn't fooled, neither was Asta.

The kid had just started getting the hang of Ki sensing and he must've sensed what Yami had. With Asta distracted, Noelle took control of the conversation by telling her perspective in Nean. Asta was staring at the door with a hollow look in his eyes.

Yami placed the newspaper down and made his move.

Before Asta could walk out of the door to follow their resident spatial mage, Yami stopped him with a firm hand to his shoulder. Asta gasped as he turned to look up. "Go and play, Kid." Yami ordered him. "Adults need to talk." Trusting Yami, Asta nodded without complaint and joined the others in conversation.

Yami sighed as he followed Finral.

It was tedious to walk up a flight of stairs, but it was worth the effort. He let his senses guide him to Finral's mana. When he reached Finral's room, he didn't bother to knock. Instead, he went inside and closed the door behind him.

Finral was curled up on the bed, robe discarded, and a pillow over his head.

"I thought I told you to tell me if it gets worse." Yami softly said as he picked up the robe that was hastily thrown to the floor. He placed it on the chair by the desk. "It's one of those days, huh?"

"Don't worry," Finral whimpered. "I'll get over it."

"I was teasing you—"

"I know that!" Yami didn't expect Finral to snap at him. "I know what a joke is! It doesn't stop it from… You just don't get it. I don't want to talk about this. I'm fine. It's just a joke."

"I hope you know I didn't mean anything by it."

"I know, Yami."

"We can go see Owen—"

"And what?" Finral wondered. "What could he do to help?"

"Marx then."

"I'm not one of those trauma victims." He sternly said as he curled back on the bed. "I know you're trying to help, Yami. I'm fine… just…" Finral scrunched his eyes shut as his voice wavered. Yami knew he wasn't fine. "I'll be fine by tomorrow. Don't worry about me. It's just one of those… stupid… dramatic days."

Yami sighed and sat by the edge of the bed.

"If you want to talk," Yami said. "I'm right here."

"I just want to be alone."

Yami gave another long sigh, knowing Finral wouldn't budge. He could be stubborn if he wanted, but Yami was genuinely worried. This wasn't as worse as last time, which had been quite a long time ago, but it was still something to be worried about. Yami debated whether to repeat all the things he said to Finral the last time they spoke about his achievements and worth, but he decided to keep his mouth shut.

Maybe Finral didn't want to hear it.

"I'll leave you to rest." Yami said. "I expect you up and about tomorrow." He stood up and walked to the door. "I'll be downstairs if you need me."

He closed the door and went to the rooftop to smoke for a bit. Finral had always been a little different from the rest. Yami felt guilty. Maybe he went too far with the insults. Surely Finral knew they were just jokes or a jab… Yami never meant anything by it.

It made him worry.

He finished off several cigarettes before he decided to go back down and exhaust himself out in the forest. He shouldn't be worried. There was no need to be. He told Finral he expected him tomorrow, and he would.

Finral was always a stickler for the rules, he should trust in that.

As Yami went down, he felt Ki from three familiar Bulls. They should be sleeping already like the rest of the squad was. He took a long, deep breath before he entered the common room. He found Asta with Nero on his head and Noelle sitting beside him. The worry on their faces was clear as day, and Yami didn't need this on top of everything else.

"Captain Yami," Noelle called.

"Captain," Asta greeted.

Yami sighed, "Take those frowns off your faces or I'll wipe it off for you. I already have enough shit to deal with. I don't need another one added to the list."

"We're just worried about Finral—"

"Ain't your problem."

"But…"

"Look, Kid, sometimes life is hell and you get out of it… while some days you're stuck in the pit burning." Yami narrowed his eyes, staring at the empty space on the wall. "It's just one of those days."

"He'll be okay, right?" Noelle wondered. "From the way Asta described the fight—"

"It's not about the fight." Yami corrected. "Finral may complain, but he gets the job done. It's a different story and it's nothing you should concern yourself with."

"But he's our teammate!" Asta said. "Something is just…"

Nero flew out of the way as Yami's hand made its way to Asta's head. Noelle covered her mouth in shock. Asta had closed his eyes, but he was surprised when Yami ruffled his hair instead of the usual threat he liked to play.

"Just be yourself, Kid." Yami advised. "Finral will be fine tomorrow."

Then Yami walked away.

He stopped just outside of the door to feel the fresh cool air. He could still hear Noelle and Asta's muffled voice from inside. Their conversation had stirred into talking about what Finral's life was like. Finral's a pretty open guy, but he never brought up his family in conversation unless someone asked.

No wonder he seemed like a mystery to the newbies.

"I heard from Vanessa that he's high noble." Noelle told Asta. "What if he's…? I don't know… having some trouble with… the expectations that come along with it?"

"Like you?" Asta innocently asked.

That fired up Noelle and she elbowed Asta and told him not to joke about that. Yami scoffed, allowing himself to feel a little lighter. Asta was too pure to joke around like that. It made Yami think. Noelle wasn't wrong about Finral having issues with his family and the expectations that ran with it… but it stemmed deeper than that.

They didn't know how bad Finral had it.

If you took away everything, you'd find a broken shell…

One burdened with responsibilities too big for one kid to carry… verbally abused throughout his childhood… all his confidence, butchered… his whole family was against him… and when he couldn't succeed, he was disowned… when he ran, he was blamed for shirking… he started over but never got far enough to excel and even then, his past haunted him from time to time…

So no, they didn't understand how deep Finral's problems ran.

Finral was quiet about his past.

Yami respected that.

He was one of the people that Finral had entrusted with it. Yami was sure that Finral hadn't said all of it since all Finral would say was explanations rather than the whole dialogue… but Yami would take it to his grave if necessary. He stood by what he believed: that Finral was beneficial to the team. He may not think himself capable, or he might even believe he was useless or pathetic, but Yami believed in him.

He just wished Finral knew that.

Yami knew he made a mistake and he really had gone too far with the jokes.

Maybe tomorrow, he'd tell the others to lay off the running gag.

Finral deserved that much.

oOo

I expect you up and about tomorrow.

Finral curled up tighter on the bed. He interpreted that as "You better still be alive!" which Finral thought was helpful, but at the same time completely unnecessary. He just wanted to drown and let the feelings fade. Why did he have to be so emotional? And why… why did it still hurt even knowing it was meant to be a joke… just… why?

His fist curled on the sheets.

You're so useless!

Tough it out and surpass your limits!

You're such a wimp!

Don't be a coward, Finral!

He had no tears to shed. He was done crying. It was just this hammering pain on his chest that wouldn't go away. His mind continued to echo over and over, every mistake and every comment from the past. He never really forgot. He just pushed them aside until it festered.

Finral closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"I'm not a coward." He declared. "I'm not running from this anymore."

He let the opportunity slip from his hands before. He wasn't going to do so now. The pain, it was numbing ever so slowly. He knew what he had to do. If this was the one thing that would make everything right, he would do it. He just wished the world would let him.

oOo

"You can also check this story out on AO3"

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