People say you don't really cherish what you have had until it's gone. When we take for granted some of the simplest things, the loss is usually irreversible. Sometimes it is deserving, that person does not have another chance. Maybe that will humble them, make them learn to think outside of themselves.

"LISTER YOU URINAL SHAPED WARTHOG!"

Well, it is a lovely notion isn't it?

"Oh smeg."

"YOU DID IT DIDN'T YOU!"

"Did what now Rimmer?"

"You, you!"

"Me, me, what?"

"You defiled Rachel!?"

"What?"

"Don't play dumb!"

The stout, dark skinned man with the dreaded locks sighed annoyingly from his bunk. Well he guessed he could catch up on his reading of the Crusades later. The comic book had some really great pictures.

David Lister turned and saw the thin, brown hair man with the H permeneatly marked on his forehead, his face almost as red as his uniform ready to lunge for his neck.

"Rimmer?" He asked. "Why in the hell would I play around with your inflatable sex doll?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Arnold Rimmer. "To annoy me? To take advantage of the fact that thanks to Legion, I have finally achieved physical senses again!"

"Spare me your physical senses Rimmer." Dave said as he turned back in his bunk. "I may be depraved, but not that desperate."

Arnold Rimmer, the hologram, was seething. Ever since Legion, the "resident nutter" as Lister had amazingly upgraded his Hologram technology, the only thing separating him from existence and non-existence, he had gone from just being a projection to a physical entity. Prior to that he had no sense of touch, taste or smell. Twas the consequence of being the only being that had actually communicated with Lister (who had been in stasis) more than anyone else on the ship. Again, what was Holly thinking? The super computer on the mining ship Red Dwarf had taken it upon himself to revive Rimmer. Everyone on the ship, except Lister, dies due to a radiation leak and Holly brings back Rimmer.

It wasn't because he was just a lowly second class chicken soup repairman. It wasn't because he had a sense of protocol and pride or believed he was destined for better things. It was because...

He was a total smeghead!

Pompous, arrogant, he treated everyone like they were beneath him. It was amazing the words, the flurry of insults that came flying out of his mouth. One would think he was clever, if he wasn't such an arsehole.

David Lister was kinder, in his own way. He was the lowest rank on the technician todem pole, but he didn't let it bother him. Slovenly, crude, addicted to Indian curry dishes (who drinks curry sauce for breakfasts), lager swilling, chain smoking, forget the work and focus on the fun was he. Dave was likeable, he just took the stereotypical 20 something male persona into his mid thirties. He had dreams and ambitions like moving to Fiji and raising horses and having a family, but to do the work to get there was another story.

Oh yeah, and he did everything in his power to make Rimmer miserable, from daily attacks on his character to drugging the man with psychedlic drugs one could find on foreign planets. Hey eye for an eye, but Lister's tended be more clever.

He was a self certified bum, but an honest bum at least.

"For the last time Rimmer, I didn't touch your sex doll."

"Well if you didn't draw the mustache and male genitalia on her, who did then?"

"Erraaahh, hey there monkies!" A jovial voice bellowed and in swaggered in "Cat" the half human half feline being. Dressed to the nines as usual, his white fangs sparkling, hair coiffeed and fixed.

Cat been evolved from a pregnant feline Lister had smuggled on board Red Dwarf. Lister named her Frankenstein and couldn't wait to help her bring into the world Unfortunately, Rimmer had tattled on him after it seemed as if Captain Hollister was going to go easy on Lister for another indiscretion..again. Bringing a cat on the ship could compromise the health and safety of the crew and Lister had done just that. There was no way Lister was going to let Hollister take Frankenstein and have her destroyed so he took going into stasis for the remainder of the trip as his punishment. Frankenstein gives birth, a cat society begins built upon incorrectly spelled prophecy based upon Lister's laundry list and other written papers, the society gets antsy waiting for Cloister to take them to Fushia, and they leave the ship in search of it. Everyone that is except an elderly cat who would later pass after Lister aka Cloister blessed him on his death bed and of course, Cat.

"Do I look good today or do I look good!?"

Oh yeah, Cat had a serious vanity problem. This creature had more clothes, more flashy accessories. If you ever got lost in the dark you could probably find you way if you let Cat wake ahead and his sparkling blazer light your way.

Rimmer pointed angrily.

"It was you wasn't it!?"

"Me, what about me?" Cat asked.

"You know what you did."

"If I did, I proably was great at it!"

Rimmer's nostril flared.

"Cat, did you draw on Rimmer's inflatable sex doll?" Lister asked annoyingly.

Cat gave a look.

"That plastic thing with the face and droopy front?" Cat asked. "I thought it was just one of inflatable balloon animals you get at carnivals that was past it's prime! Didn't see the harm in drawing on it."

Lister broke out chuckling.

If there was any person that looked close to causing his own internal nuclear exploison, it was Arnold Rimmer.

"I'm surrounded by goits!" He yelled. "GOITS ALL OF YOU!" He stomped out of the room, just as Kryten the butler, maid, cook, you name it, mechanoid entered ready to clean Lister and Rimmer's sleeping quarters.

"Ah, I see Mister Rimmer is already angry today and it's not even noon. Yesterday you both succeeded in this just after lunch. Is this a new record?"

It never gets old. Suddenly the ship lurched and an alarm rang out

"Alert, alert."

All three turned to see Holly, the female super computer who controlled the ship appear on the television in their bunk.

"What was that Hol?" Dave asked.

"An unidentified vessel just sideswipped the ship." She said.

"Are we under attack?" Kryten asked.

"Don't think so." She said. "Gave the ship a good knick near the cargo bay, but no serious damage. Didn't come around for another go."

"What makes you think it was a ship?" Cat asked.

"I detected a lifeform just as it impacted." She said her blonde hair moving ever so slightly. "Seemed to also be trying to avoid hitting us."

"Can we get a lock on it?." Lister asked. "Find out what it was?"

"I can try." She said. "It might have been avoiding that asteriod field that came about."

"Do that Holly and keep us updated." Lister said. "I'm getting breakfast, definitely need a chicken vindaloo."


Rimmer meanwhile was still seething. He had felt the ship shift and for a moment was curious as to what caused it. But then, who cared, not them that was for sure. Legion may have given him the back his senses, but he wished that he could have given It could have been an alien life form, something to study and learn, among other things, especially if it was a gorgeous alien woman with green hair and numerous, uh, yeah, chest additions (that even crept Lister out). But it was just a joke to them, who cares as long as they get back to Earth? He bet if Ace Rimmer was on board they would care. His doppleganger with the thick, golden hair and charming personality.

Thank God, that git didn't stay!

Well Rimmer was right about one thing. It was a woman, no she wasn't an alien, no her hair wasn't green and she had the bodily amenities that a regular earth woman had.

And she was about to crash.