PenPals

Summary: Simon and Bram live on opposite sides of town, thus they attend different high schools: Creekwood East and Creekwood West. After a couple of football players from Creekwood East got caught vandalizing a statue at Creekwood West, the principal decides it's time to ease the tension and contempt that has been festering between the two schools. She has every student write a note about who they are that will be randomly distributed to students at Creekwood West. Imagine Simon's surprise when someone writes back to the letter he wrote.

A/N: Written for Spierfeld Day 1: Alternative First Meeting. I posted this to Archive of Our Own a couple of years ago and wanted to share it here as well.

To a Complete Stranger at Creekwood West High School,

This is supposed to be a dumb little assignment our principal assigned us, because all of the jocks in this school HATE Creekwood West. If we ever needed proof that jocks run the school, we need look no further than the fact that because a handful of football players did something stupid and vandalized that stupid statue of your mascot, the whole school was punished. Typical. Sorry, I don't mean to sound bitter or condescending. I don't actually have a problem with your school. I actually think my problem is with my school.

My classmates around me are looking up puns they can put in their letters to dramatically describe the rivalry that exists between our schools. I think this whole thing is stupid. If they want us to get to know each other, shouldn't they take a day of school and bring us together or something? Maybe like the field days we used to have in elementary school and make the teams mixed so we have to work together? They're probably worried about a giant fight breaking out, but there's gotta be something better than writing notes to tell you we hate you. It doesn't make sense to me.

Anyway, I'm supposed to be introducing myself to you so we can prove that we're just like you - we just attend different schools. The actual prompt written on the chalkboard in front of me is "write a letter to a student at Creekwood West, introducing yourself and expressing the hope that you can be lifelong friends." How freaking unbelievable is that? No offense to you, but I'm not looking for anymore lifelong friends, especially not from a school that hates me without knowing me.

So, I decided that I was going to take this opportunity to say something a little different. You see, it may come as a surprise to you but Creekwood East, in the middle of highly-segregated and homophobic Georgia, isn't the most liberal place in the world, so I've been sitting on a secret for the past four years. You may be wondering why I am choosing to tell a complete stranger my secret? Well since you ask, it's because who else can I tell? I am terrified that if the people I love knew who I really was, they wouldn't love me anymore. But you? You're a complete stranger. If you hate me, who cares? If you're going to tell me I should go to hell, who cares? I will never meet you. So it doesn't matter. And I think it will be good for me. To send my secret out into the world. And to know what that feels like.

So here it goes. I am gay.

You have no idea how lucky you are to be free from the burden of keeping something like that trapped inside. Sometimes, I feel so torn between wanting to come out and wanting to keep it secret that I feel like it's actually splitting me in two. It sucks so freakin' much to hide who you are from the world because you're so scared the world will reject you. I don't want your pity or your judgmental comments. I just want to be myself for a change. Even if it's only through a letter. I'm glad I had that chance.

Because, at the end of the day, it's true that I'm just like you. I have some really great friends and a weird family that I adore. I have a love-hate relationship with school (especially algebra). I am just like you. I just have one huge-ass secret.

Sincerely,

Simon

Simon mixed his paper into the ones his classmates had passed forward to him. He didn't want his to be on top, because his English teacher had a tendency to read examples from the work they submitted, and he always picked from the top of the pile. Simon watched as he slid the notes into a large, golden envelope with his classroom number written in big numbers on the outside and left them on the floor outside the classroom. He didn't so much as look at them. It wasn't just the students that had a grudge against Creekwood West; the tension between the teachers was just as palpable. Simon didn't look away from the envelope until a bored looking student came by to pick them up and walked away, not realizing she held Simon's greatest secret in her arms.

Simon didn't think anyone at Creekwood West would actually read the letters, much less respond to them. He'd figured that at least half of them ended up as paper airplanes and the other half ended up as crumpled up basketballs for the trash can, so he was overwhelmingly surprised when a secretary popped into his class about a week later to inform them that she had received a "very special letter" from a student at Creekwood West. She'd wasted no time in gushing over how they'd received a response from the initiative, which just proved that the "bonds we share as students" were "far greater than any rivalry".

Simon was even more surprised when she walked the letter over to him. He didn't open it in class. Part of him thought that whoever had replied to him would tell him he needed Jesus or something similar to that, and he wasn't willing to face that humiliation in class. He shoved it into his backpack like it was no big deal and ignored the stares of his classmates.

He didn't remember the letter until he was halfway through English class the next day. Suddenly, he couldn't wait.

Simon,

It's important that you know that I didn't use to believe in things like fate or destiny. I always believed that I made my own luck and that if things happened that were out of my control, it was still on me how I responded to them. This was a stance I was entirely prepared to defend, right up until I received your letter. Now, I'm not so sure.

I expected this to be a stupid assignment too. Every student here was given one of these letters – a handful of kids were given two, because I guess your school has more students than mine. We were told that we were 'under no obligation to respond, but that it would be nice' if we did. We were told that we had to read them in class. Our teacher half enforced this. She made sure we each got a letter and that we each opened our letter, but didn't really do much outside of that. Not many of us read it, but the idea of not completing an assignment, even if it's an ungraded assignment, didn't sit well with me.

I expected a letter telling me that West sucks. The only other kid in my class that read the letter, go one that was the opener of Romeo and Juliet - "Two households, both alike in dignity…" I kid you not. Kids have been walking around making fun of it all day. I told them I got a blank piece of paper, because I couldn't wrap my head around what had happened and how I felt after reading what you said.

You put into words exactly how I feel about my school. I pride myself on being linguistically strong, but I never would have been brave enough to start the conversation you started with your letter. We are just as conservative as East and it is not exactly the most welcoming place for any students that don't fit into their cookie cutter expectations for how you should live your life. It's so hard to believe that I found another student like me. Nobody here talks about the things you wrote in your note.

Remember how I said I didn't believe in fate? I'm not so sure anymore. What are the odds that of all the students at Creekwood East that wrote letters and all the students at Creekwood West that received letter, I would receive yours? You see, I'm gay.

It's still so surreal to me that I can write that right now. I haven't even told my parents. I know they love me, but like you said, would they still love me if they really knew? There's the chance they would take it well, but there's also that chance that they will completely reject me. I don't know what this or why I was the one that got your letter, but I think I might actually believe that there's a reason it was me. I want to keep talking to you, if you're okay with that. I feel like you get me and maybe I can be that person for you too.

Sincerely,

Bram

Simon knew that Mr. Wise was trying to teach them something, but there was no chance that he was going to pay attention to anything they were learning in class. He pulled out a piece of paper and began to draft his response. He could practically hear the clock ticking, so he kept his note short. He wasn't sure if he'd have the chance to write it in his other classes. It was easy to get away with writing in English, but his other classes weren't necessarily as writing intensive and he really wanted to get the letter to the office before lunch or else he was going to be noticeably on edge during lunch, and he really didn't want his friends to pick up on his weird mood before he'd had the chance to figure out what all of this meant.

Bram,

I'm a little mind blown that this is happening. Part of me is afraid that you're just messing with me, but I really don't think you are. This is real, isn't it? You're really just like me? It's so hard to believe. I mean, what are the odds?

I've spent years feeling like I was all alone in this. It really hit me when I was thirteen. I think I knew before that, but I didn't really put it into words until I was thirteen and almost immediately, I knew the world wasn't ready to know. I still don't know if it's ready, ya know?

When did you know?

Sincerely,

Simon

When Simon ran to the office in between periods to explain that he wanted to send his letter to a student at Creekwood West, his principal looked like she was going to cry from happiness. She gave him the envelope and told him to put it in a metal basket when he wrote the name of his penpal on it.

Two days later, he had his response.

Simon,

My email is bluegreen118 . It's awkward having to go to the main office to send you a note, so I hope you don't mind if we switch it up a bit.

Sincerely,

Bram

That night, Simon created an email address and sent his first message to Bram. He debated what he should write, but in case Bram misspelled his email address or something, Simon didn't want to send a lengthy personal email to a complete stranger… though he mused, that's exactly what he was doing. He felt like he knew this deeply personal thing about Bram, but he didn't know much else.

FROM:

TO: bluegreen118

DATE: Sep 24 at 8:19 PM

SUBJECT: Awkward

Bram,

I found it awkward too. This is much better.

Simon

FROM: bluegreen118

TO:

DATE: Sep 24 at 9:07 PM

SUBJECT: Re: Awkward

I'm glad it wasn't just me. I had had this whole letter written about how I knew I was gay and I realized I had never told anyone about that before. There was a very distinct day in my life where I went from thinking I was straight to knowing I was gay. I couldn't imagine the first time I talked about it having to be delivered by this little old lady who smells like macadamia nuts.

Did you have anything like that? A single moment where it suddenly hit you that you were gay?

Bram

FROM:

TO: bluegreen118

DATE: Sep 24 at 9:12 PM

SUBJECT: Re: Awkward

I personally cannot wait to hear about your sexual awakening. It must be a pretty exciting story of you want to keep it away from Ms. Macadamia Nuts.

For me, it was a mix of a couple of different things. I had this weird dream about Daniel Radcliffe every day for over a month (talk about a sexual awakening). Believe me, to this day I love Harry Potter, but you get to a point where enough is enough. And I went through a phase where I was obsessed with Passion Pit and it didn't take me long to realize it wasn't about the music.

If I had to pick a distinct moment, I would definitely say the Valentine's Day dance when I was in the eighth grade. I had a girlfriend, because she passed me a note in class and asked me to be her boyfriend. I'd known before that, but I was so confused and it felt good to know someone liked me, so I agreed. We spent the week before Valentine's Day holding hands and thinking we were in a "real" relationship. But then I found out she wanted me to kiss her at that dance and I couldn't do it. I realized it wasn't about her. It was about girls in general. So, I spent the entire night hiding from her. And we never really talked again. That's when I knew girls were off the table.

What was it for you?

Simon

FROM: bluegreen118

TO:

DATE: Sep 24 at 9:32 PM

SUBJECT: Sexual Awakening

That's the perfect way of describing it. I guess you could say I had a Mr. Sexual Awakening in my life. My mom and dad got divorced when I was a kid and about a year after my dad started dating my, now, stepmom, she had this really big family reunion party that all of her relatives came to.

And then I saw HIM. He was perfection incarnate in a human being… or so I thought at the time. I couldn't stop thinking about him. Every time he smiled, I felt like my heart was going to leap out of my chest. I was so mixed up about it all day that at one point, I hid under a set of bunk beds in the spare room of my stepmom's house and tried to figure out why I was blushing whenever he so much as looked in my direction.

I'll spare you the details, but when I went to bed that night, I had the twelve-year old version of a dirty sex dream; and let me just tell you… if I ever doubted I was attracted to other boys, that sealed the deal. I tried to think about girls, but it didn't feel right.

Anyway, I realize we've just shared something really personal about ourselves, but I don't actually know anything about you. What's your favorite book? Movie? TV Show? Sorry if these questions are awkward. I just want to know who I'm talking to.

Bram

They went on like that, talking until nearly 1:00am. They talked about their favorite books, movies, TV shows, what they wanted to do when they grow up. They were currently having a very important conversation about Oreos. Everything Simon learned about Bram made him want to know more. But he got to the point where he recognized that he was going to fall asleep on Bram, so he needed to end their conversation.

FROM:

TO: bluegreen118

DATE: Sep 25 at 12:56 AM

SUBJECT: Re: Oreos

Well, that was an invigorating conversation about Oreos, though I'm glad we're on the same page about it. I don't think I could talk to someone that didn't think Oreos are perfection incarnate in cookie form (comparable to Mr. Sexual Awakening, I would think).

I'm going to be such a zombie tomorrow, so I really have to go. I just wanted to be able to say goodnight. Night!

Simon

They talked like this for a couple of weeks. Every spare second was spent composing emails or waiting in eager anticipation for a response. They stayed up late nearly every night, their conversation slowly changing from a 'getting to know you' vibe to a 'I kinda know you and like you' vibe. If Simon's friends noticed that he was bordering on sleep-deprived and that he was practically glued to his phone in between classes and at lunch, they didn't say anything.

There was a lot of teasing and bickering that happened in the wee hours of the morning. Like when Simon learned that Bram had once eaten three jars of Nutella in one sitting, or when he learned about the epic fried Oreo fail of 2010, or about Bram's obsession with school supplies. It went both ways. Bram never let Simon forget about his mistake in France where he hadn't realized he was eating snails and had practically projectile vomited in a fancy French restaurant when he found out. That had been particularly embarrassing because he had been 15 when it happened, so he couldn't even play the 'I didn't know better' card. The longer they talked, the more comfortable they got with one another.

One night, a few weeks after they started talking, they were emailing back and forth about why they hadn't come out to their families yet.

FROM: bluegreen118

TO:

DATE: Oct 16 at 1:44 AM

SUBJECT: Re: Not THAT Gay

I know what you mean. It's tempting to just wait out the next two years until I go away to college… far, far away from Georgia. And you're right. I don't think I want to be THAT gay. Like I'm all for being out and proud, but what you just described… that sounds a little scary to me. Maybe I will think differently when these closet doors aren't blocking my view.

As for my parents, my dad is Jewish and my mom is Episcopalian. Hypothetically, their religions don't frown upon the gay community, but that might not mean anything as far as how they feel about it. I think since their divorce, I'm so scared of doing anything that might somehow drive them further apart. And this? It could very well be that thing.

Bram

FROM:

TO: bluegreen118

DATE: Oct 16 at 1:56 AM

SUBJECT: Re: Not THAT Gay

I don't know. I think you could rock the rainbow flag. But, you know, it's more than not knowing how I should act or dress when I'm officially out that's scary - and I do think I successfully painted a terrifying picture of what that should look like. I think for me, it's not so much the idea of being out that's scary, it's the process of coming out. I almost wish that I could just start walking around with a boyfriend and not have all the awkward conversation, but for some unknown reason that's not how it works. How ridiculous is that? Why is it only gay people that have to come out? Why is straight the default? THOSE PEOPLE (please imagine I'm saying this the way straight people would talk about gay people) get to find significant others and walk around like it's freaking nothing. At the end of the day, that's what I want. I don't want it to be a big deal. I just want to be able to be me. Maybe one day, if we meet in person, I like to think we'd be able to take a walk and hold hands without knowing that people are going to stare at us.

I hear you about being scared to tell your parents. I feel the same way. In theory, I know they'll take it fine. My mom is super liberal and my dad's not exactly the poster boy for manly men. But in reality, I worry. My dad is always making jokes and comments about people that are gay and they mean something different to me than they do to him. I think I'm actually scared that he won't be able to handle me being gay.

As for school, there are a handful of kids that are out, but they don't really talk much. They keep to themselves, eat lunch by themselves. Kind of like they're going through the motions of school.

My friends would be fine with it (I think), but I really don't want things to change. We have a good thing going between all of us as a friend group and change is scary. Two of my friends are almost dating and that's thrown us all through a major loop. I don't know if we'd be able to handle any more.

I dunno. I don't think it would be so bad if I weren't alone, but no one can go through being gay with you… At least not if they're straight. There are some things you have to deal with alone. I almost wish you went to my school. Then, if I were out, I know I'd at least have you. But I guess it's a good thing you don't go here. I got pretty lucky when, out of all the students at Creekwood West, you were the one that got my letter.

Love, Simon

Simon pressed send and his eyes widened a half-a-second later as he realized what he had just done. He debated sending a follow up email telling Bram he hadn't meant to sign it Love, Simon and that the lack of sleep was starting to impact his email etiquette, but part of him meant it… okay, all of him meant it. In less than a month, Simon had undeniably fallen in love. Simon stared at his computer screen for over thirty minutes hoping Bram would respond and that he hadn't scared him away. Simon rationalized that Bram might not even pick up on it. It was late and he might only read the body of the email. Simon was about to give up and call it a night when he got a response.

FROM: bluegreen118

TO:

DATE: Oct 16 at 2:37 AM

SUBJECT: Re: Not THAT Gay

I think we both got lucky. I never expected to talk to someone that understands me the way you do. I am grateful every day for you and so grateful that you decided to tell a complete stranger that you are gay.

My computer is spinning a little so I think it might be time to call it a night… or a morning. Talk to you tomorrow!

Love, Bram

Simon fell asleep shortly after that with a smile on his face. Simon thought of Bram and only of Bram the next day and was so distracted at lunch that he didn't notice Nick trying to get his attention until he threw a fry at him.

Simon looked at Nick startled. "I said, are you coming to the big game tomorrow. Us versus Creekwood Worst." The name Creekwood Worst had been around for as long as Simon could remember. Creekwood West noticeably had the more athletic students, which had caused some bitterness and frustration that eventually led to Creekwood East renaming Creekwood West to be Creekwood Worst. Simon guessed he understood. Creekwood West had somehow managed to get the best players, even if they lived on the East side of Atlanta, which meant Creekwood East never had a chance.

He wasn't sure what was worse. Creekwood Worst or Creekwood Eek, Creekwood West's nickname for them.

Simon didn't think the nicknames were all that great, but the athletes were the ones that used them and he recognized that since he was at his most athletic during gym class, his opinion on nicknames didn't matter that much.

Simon was about to come up with an excuse to miss the game, but then he remembered that Bram had told him just a couple of days ago that he loved soccer. With a game this close, Simon wondered if Bram would be there. Even if it was unlikely, Simon had to give it a chance. He was dying to know what Bram looked like. "Sure, I'll be there."

Simon disappeared back into his own little world that revolved around Bram. That night, Simon tried to drop hints about the soccer game, but as he went to bed, he had a feeling that saying that his classmates were complaining about the game, wasn't an obvious way of saying he would be there. Part of him wanted to be direct and maybe plan to meet Bram there, but he wasn't sure if they were ready for that and he didn't want to ruin the best thing to ever happen to him by moving too fast.

So, he let that thought go and said goodnight. As he stood with Abby and Leah as close to the field as supporters were allowed to go, he tried not to get his hopes up and tried to focus on the game. In the back of his mind though, he really thought it was possible that Bram would be at the game. Something brought them together when Bram got his letter, so was this really that much of a stretch?

During half time, Nick ran over to them. "Man, I don't know where they dug Greenfeld out of, but he is kicking our butts. He's practically carrying their forward line. Three goals on us in one half. At this rate, we don't have a chance." They were losing by 5 points, so Simon didn't think they would have much of a chance even without that player.

"Which one is he?" Simon asked curiously. He'd been following the game, but he hadn't really tried to distinguish between the different players. They were huddled not far from where Simon stood and he doubted that he'd be able to identify him in the second half even if Nick pointed him out.

"Bram is…" Whatever Nick was going to say drowned out and was replaced by what sounded like the ocean crashing around in Simon's head.

"What did you say his name was?" Simon asked. He didn't care if there was barely any volume to his voice.

"Bram Greenfeld," Nick said, looking at him like he was crazy. Simon studied the soccer players as they began to walk towards the locker rooms. He wondered which one of them was Bram. His heart was pounding in his ears. He knew Bram liked sports, but never knew that he actually played soccer. For some reason, other than a vague joke about how if Simon didn't like jocks, he didn't like Bram, it never came up. He guessed he could have put 2 and 2 together. Bram had given him everything he needed to make that connection, but Simon hadn't figured it out.

It wasn't until Nick grabbed his shoulder and shook him that he realized Nick had been calling his name. Simon was still distracted, but felt like he was waking up and was slowly becoming aware that he was still standing with Nick, Leah, and Abby. When Nick loudly called his name again, a player from the Creekwood West team stopped walking. He had Simon's focus as he slowly turned.

He was this cute, black kid with curly hair. He was currently so sweaty that he looked like he'd just hopped out of the shower, but Simon thought there was something alluring about him. He looked like he wanted to walk over, but his teammates ushered him into the locker room. Simon watched him until he disappeared into the rundown team house.

Once he was gone, Simon shook his head to clear it. He was still in a daze, but was finally able to process what his friends were talking about. Which was him and whether or not he had lost it. "Sorry," Simon said with a shrug. "I recognized his name." He tried to shrug it off.

"That was weird man," Nick told him with a frown.

"Won't you get in trouble for staying out here while the rest of your team is in the locker room?" Simon asked, eager to change the subject.

Nick looked around as if he was shocked to notice that his teammates had long since abandoned him. "Gotta go," he said quickly and ran towards the team house.

"What was that about?" Leah asked.

Simon shook his head. "I dunno," he answered weakly. In reality, he was still reeling. He knew what Bram looked like, knew who he was. This was going to change everything and he didn't know if it would be a good change or a bad one.

He got his answer less than an hour later after Creekwood West had obliterated Creekwood East. Creekwood West won by seven points and the only reason they hadn't won by more is that they gave all the players that had spent the first half on the bench playing time the second half. Simon never took his eyes off of Bram, so he noticed when he stayed behind as his teammates left with their parents.

Once the home team had retired to the locker room and the visiting team had mostly dispersed, Bram walked towards Simon. Simon could feel his palms getting sweaty and he had no idea what he was supposed to say, if he was even supposed to say anything. Leah and Abby had gathered their stuff and were starting to leave just as Bram reached him. He didn't try to follow them, but it didn't look like they'd noticed yet.

"Hey," Simon said quietly.

"Hey," Bram answered with a shy smile.

"Good game," Simon said, returning Bram's smile. "You looked really great out there. Was that weird to say?"

Bram chuckled. "Thanks."

Simon almost forgot Leah and Abby were waiting for him until Leah yelled, "Simon, let's go! I'm leaving in 5, with or without you."

"I can give you a ride," Bram offered. "My mom is working the night shift and we're supposed to leave with our parents, so I got permission to drive myself here. We couldn't justify a home bus with how close the game was."

"You can go," Simon called back. "I have a ride." If Leah said anything else, he didn't hear it.

"So…" Bram said, clearly fishing for something to say. But what exactly were you supposed to say when you meet the person that knew you more about you than anyone else?

"So," Simon answered, a smile tugging at his lips. He glanced around. Nearly everyone had left. There were just a handful of stragglers and not one of them was giving them the time of day. "It's you."

"It's me," Bram confirmed.

"Is it weird that this suddenly feels like a Romeo and Juliet situation?" Simon asked.

"I thought you hated… oh, what did you call it? 'White guy shiterature'?" Bram asked with a smile.

"Yeah, well… there's only so many times you can hear Romeo and Juliet references before you start unintentionally using them yourself."

"And you might not be wrong. Creekwood East and Creekwood West are practically two houses divided," Bram said with a small chuckle.

"Though hopefully we'll have a happier ending," Simon said, looking at Bram hopefully.

"I think that can be arranged."

Then he did it. There was no fuss, no awkward hesitation. Bram reached in, cupped his cheek, and gently brought his lips to Simon's. Simon instinctively brought his hand up to where Bram was holding his cheek. He never wanted this to end, he didn't even care who saw it.

He hadn't known that feelings like this were possible to feel. He felt like he was on top of the world and the feelings of love that coursed through him amplified everything he was feeling from the kiss. When they broke the kiss, they stood close to each other, both smiling goofily. It seemed impossible to them that anyone could have been oblivious to the passion they had just shared, but not a single person was looking in their direction.

"Do you… want to do something?" Bram asked uncertainly. "Like grab dinner?"

"I'd love to." Simon took the hand Bram had extended. He felt like all was right in the world.